Disclaimer: I do not own Middle-Earth. I do not own Melian. I do not own Thingol. I do not own "you."
You see me now, standing before you, a wispy, pale ghost. You see a wretched woman who is barely that, more of a grey shade. You ask me who I am, and I can only tell you who I was. Once, I was a great sorceress, a queen of unimaginable power. People envied me then, for I had everything I wanted. I was the ruler of Doriath, wife of Elu Thingol, mother of Luthien Tinuviel. I was the one they called Melian.
Long ago, I was a Maia, a demi-god. We Maia, we needed nothing. We accompanied the Valar and did as they did, and were happy. I did not know I could need anything more. Until I met him.
The first time I saw him was in the forests of Beleriand. Elwe Singollo, he was called then. If you've read the stories, and I deem you have, you know of how Elwe fell in love with me and stood before me. But they do not tell you that in the same moment, I fell in love with Elwe. And I knew as he stood before me, that if I could not have his love, I would never be happy again. I needed Elwe.
Lucky for me, Elwe loved me. We were married, and I did not mind promising myself to one of the Eldar. I wanted to stay by his side forever. And we did, for a long time. We became the rulers of Doriath, though I would not have minded if we had lived in a hut. Elwe was with me, and that was all I wanted.
But it was not to be forever. It was the kingdom that caused it, I suppose, the kingdom I gave him. Too much power, too many riches, too long of time. Greed overtook even our secure paradise, hidden from the world, but not from its evils. One morning, I was informed that my husband was dead. His body lay in the vaults of our palace. You cannot imagine how that would feel. You cannot. You have not lived for thousands of years with someone and loved him everyday more than you did in the last. You did not give up everything you once had because you only needed one man's heart to live and then had that man taken from you. And you have not been confronted by a frightened messenger who tells you your husband just died while you were elsewhere, that no matter how much you want it, you cannot turn back time to see him one last time or tell him you love him. That the person you love most in all of space and time is gone from you forever, and left you while you were not paying attention.
Perhaps that will allow you to understand a little of what I carry.
I have returned now to my life as a Maia, and you see me today in the gardens of the Valar. But, you ask me, why do you look so pale, as if you are only a shade? You ask, why are the other Maia bright and filled with life, while you wither? That is because they have not discovered what I have. They have not sworn their eternities to a man who walks in Mandos. They are like who I was at the dawning of the world, not knowing they could possibly need anything more than what they have. While I…I am less than what I once was, because one who learns of love can never afterwards be whole without it.
Once, I knew love.
I am no longer whole.
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