What had hurt the most was that I anticipated it all.
I had awoken that morning with the feeling of poignancy, not even remembering quite how I had ended up in a sleeping position, blanket covering my lanky body on the couch. I had figured that it was just one of the task force members who were showing a small bit of affection; this wouldn't have been too odd, seeing as it had been done before, so I let the previous night's antics escape my mind as I focused on the forlorned morning. My cheek was stuck against the warmed leather of the sofa, and with a small amount of effort I was able to remove myself from the chair and move into an upright position. My left hand ran through my mess of a head as my right groped around for the television's remote control, and immediately, the power was shut off, the blue screen of an ended tape being the only thing that flashed at me. My bag-surrounded eyes hopped over to the window...the skies were dark.
By then, memories from long ago had taken over my ability to think clearly and on my feet, leaving me unable to predict a way to prevent the anticipated situation. The sound of children playing, whining and crying echoed through my mind quite clearly, and as I paced the halls, my vision seemed to disappate into unwanted but unforgotten reminiscent thoughts. I could see the orphanage before me, the white and plain halls almost mimicking me with their appearance of purity and righteousness...and although I was often told otherwise, I had always been led to believe that I was the odd one out, the only unpure child in the orphanarium. My blank-slate eyes had witnessed some things that even a grown adult wouldn't have been able to handle, and my prior deductions and decisions were the only bias to saving or taking a select few people's lives. How could anybody who was responsible for improsining or even executing a human, any human, still able to fall under pure, or righteous? Even with this negative outlook in mind, I continued to accept the feed they gave me, the feed that allowed me to grow into the world's greatest detective, into the world's image of integrity.
I was also quite aware that I was responsible for mutilating another pair of lives, no matter how much those around me tried to cover it up with a mask of fake illnesses and medical reports. A, a darling child. There had been to much pressure, and as a result, his life was one much wasted. Did that also make me a murderer? I allowed the feed of rectitude and sanction to fill my ego to the point where I was but the only idol left in the orphanage, and in result, everybody wished to excel past my knowledge. There was A, the one who was equal, if not a few points above, my level of intelligence, who was to take my place if anything were to ever go amiss. His fatal flaw was that he was still a child and while he and I were not too far away chronologically, our mindsets were at disappointingly different levels, merely because I no longer had the 'pure', innocent outlook of an adolescence. I had seen things the other boy could not have even imagined, as he lived a very sheltered life in the orphanage, always bottling himself up in the library to catch up on his studies. Things were going wrong, terribly wrong... the details are too complex to go into much detail, but I was most definitely in a position where I had a ninety-five percent chance of being killed. I remained calm and tried to think of a way out...only to find out that the situation had become much worse; my successor was found dead on a nook, hanging from the largest Oak in the orphanage's courtyard. Not long after the boy's death, I was able to weasel my way out of the deadly situation.
The death of my successor was not much of a concern to me, but obviously took a large toll on the orphanage's director and my only contact person, Watari. The orphanage had been transformed into an institution for gifted children around that time, looking only for those who would be able to step into my terrifying shoes. It was years before a replacement was found, and in the meantime I continued with my detective work, taking all the same risks, if not more, than what I had taken before. I remember quite acutely being scolded by both Watari and the orphanage's director on multiple occassions on how I wasn't making justified choices by acting so childishly with my life, but I paid no mind to their little lectures and continued on with my work with unimaginable certitude. I had just finished a case in the former Soviet Union when my next successor, BB came along. He seemed like a worthy candidate, but I didn't have much time to talk and debate with the boy, for cases were pouring in the instant after he was named my prodigy. Watari informed me about a year and a half later that BB had left the orphanage, claiming he wanted to do something a little more productive with his life. I saw this as suspicious; he had seemed so bent on about being the great L's second generation, what had caused him to change his mind?
It hadn't been too long before I had found out. I remember receiving a call from the United State's FBI about a murderer who could not be caught or found, and immediately I was shipped out to work on the case. Sparing the details, we found that the murderer was going by the alias Ryuuzaki...and also, to those who were higher up on the chain and more important to getting what he wanted, he reffered to himself as L. I was not too shocked to find out that my dearest successor was behind all of the trouble in America, and with some difficulties, we were able to catch him and have him executed. My falsely-fed equity had again taken the life of another talented and promising youth. Regardless, I did not even make the motion of shedding a tear when I had been informed the switch on the chair had finally been pulled.
Regaining conciousness into the present, I glanced around the room where I had landed myself, and my ears perked some as I heard the older gentleman in front of me question my presence with somewhat of a negative tone, and I had figured he had already asked me what I was doing in his quarters before, I just was not paying enough attention to hear his words. My head hung slightly lower than usual, and my usual blank-slate eyes hopped over to the male's soft, gentle face. His aging appearance too brought back memories of the orphanage that had attempted to be forgotten, but with a slight shake of my head, I was able to shake these recollections from my cranium as I allowed the older male in a passionate embrace.
My next destination was unclear, but I allowed my feet to maneuver me and eventually found myself at the roof. It was raining, and though my concious told me I would be cold or even catch something, my body and my heart didn't seem to care much. Nose pointed at the sky, I allowed the soft, cold drops to fall and slide down my face, perhaps even closing my eyes for a few moments to allow my mind to replay my life's events in hopes I could clear them completely. It was raining when I met them, at least, when we met formally. Mello was a bit older than Near, who had been not much older than his early elementary school years...needless to say, they were both children. But I had been informed that the two were geniuses and were to be the next pair of successors. And as I looked down upon the two, young children, I couldn't help but to feel a bit of remorse for the set of children I had already lost. But I said nothing, not allowing an extra word outside of my rather formal introduction to the boy's slip out. I had learned long before I had even needed a successor that getting attached to anybody was only going to hurt somebody in the end, and so I had avoided it completely my entire life. But there were something about the two that I couldn't explain that allowed me to branch out to them, and eventually, my status of rolemodel eventually became the status of an older, caring brother...perhaps even a father.
The sound of chimes allowed me to focus back onto the roof top scene I had left myself in...that, and the son of the chief's voice. I couldn't quite pick up his words, and as he stood across the roof where he was sheltered from the rain, I merely glanced over with a questioning glaze in my eyes. The second time around, he spoke a little louder, and honestly, I was able to make it out that time, but out of mere flippancy, I held my hand to my ear and smiled some, and he took the hint just as I had expected he would, walking out into the down pour of rain. "What are you doing?" His deepened voice echoed over the tattering of the rain. I seemed to have my thoughts anywhere but on the conversation at hand and it must have been obvious. "The chimes...they were loud today," Those were the only words I allowed to escape my lips, meanwhile, he continued to rant on about how sheer determination and force would help the force catch Kira in the end and that giving up wasn't an option...and I was almost more than half-tempted to tell him to give up the act.
We both agreed to go back inside, and after drying ourselves off, we returned into the main room with the rest of the force. I held my knees to my chest, one arm wrapped around the long legs as the other hand was held up to my lip, and I stared intensly at the computer screen in front of me hoping it would pass off as an illusion of deep thought. I was only counting down the seconds, waiting patiently, but honestly somewhat anxiously, for the fate I had been expecting. And then it happened; the screen before my flashed bright red stating in English lettering that all of the data had been cleared, and I almost smiled, wondering how long the Shinigami had to wait between murders...which I found out to be not very long at all. My hand shot up to my chest, grasping my oversized sweater as the pain began to flow in; my chest felt as if it was going to explode, and tears began to swell at the corners of my eyes. I began to fall to the floor, but before my body hit the hard surface, the chief's son swooped under me and broke my fall. My vision growing blurry and energy draining, I strained to look up at the male above me as he panicked, asking me if anything was wrong. I was cold, a feeling I did not much enjoy. The other male must have noticed that it was almost time, for a large smirk had appeared on his face the very moment my grip began to loosen on my shirt and as my eyes closed shut, I knew for sure that I wasn't wrong...but I had failed.
I then sat alone in the 'nothingness' that the Shinigami had promised me when the task force and I came into possession of the deadly notebook. My only option was to think or talk to myself, for not another soul was around as far as I could tell. I suppose the situation isn't much different from when I was alive; I had always been known as a thinker. It was always troublesome thinking something up to keep my overactive brain from driving me insane, but I was a smart man and could probably keep myself entertained for a few more years of eternity. After a while, I allowed my emotions to take over my brainly functions for a few days, thinking about the what ifs and such questions. I learned eventually that I was a genius, but weak-willed and weak-hearted. At first, gaining Yagami Raito's trust was nothing more than a charade, nothing more than an act to get him to reveal anything he could to me. But just as there was with Mello and Near, there was something about the male that made me want to be able to trust him, and want to be able to refer to him as a friend. And I admit, that must have been my downnfall, as when I am thinking back, I honestly don't believe I would have been able to pull the switch on Yagami-kun's electric chair.