Twilight Spoof (it's Like if Bella Were Normal or Something)
I met Edward in Biology class on a really cold day after I had to move to that sucky town Forks. It seemed like he hated me, which was really weird. He kept gagging on the air and digging his spindly white fingers into the table. Also his skin was really pale and he had creepy bruises under his eyes. To add to his general aura of creepiness, his eyes were pitch black and his features were strangely geometric and angular. I had earlier observed that he hung out with a pack of people like him. Edward's hair was also the color of old pennies (er…bronze…or something) and he kept growling at me in bio. Then he ran away gracefully, like an animal.
Later, Edward admitted to me that he watches me sleep. "I watch you while you sleep Bella. It relaxes me," he said something like that.
"Um…alright," I answered. I tried to keep a little more distance after that.
Ok…slightly stalkerish and weird. But I can deal with that. Quirky. But cute, despite the paper-white skin and the eyes that changed from tar-black to topaz-ish gold. But then, it occurred to me while I was wandering a beach that Edward Cullen was a supernatural creature.
Soon, Edward asked me on a date. "You should tell Charlie that you're going with me to Seattle."
"Uhh…why…"
"So I have some incentive to bring you back. Alive."
"Oh. Cool."
I ended up going to a forest with him where he revealed that vampires like him sparkle like a block of diamonds in the sunlight. It's like they're made of stone…or something. He was also really cold and strong. By then, I was kind of freaked out.
"You're like a drug to me," he said with a smile.
"Like…your own personal brand of heroin…or something…" I asked, trying to placate him while I planned my escape. I turned the tape recorder on in my pocket.
"Exactly. You're just my flavor," he said, baring his teeth.
Later, when I had to turn over my tapes to the FBI that contained my conversations with Edward, I felt kind of bad about turning him in. He was sort of nice, despite the stalking and the teeth and the chalk skin. But, he was still a murderer, and he had said that he liked watching me sleep. Kind of reasons to report someone to the cops. Turns out that Edward and the Cullens were legit vampires, now undergoing government testing. Cool.