We're Just Not Supposed to Be Here

by walkthatlonesomevalley

Reagan pushes Amy and Karma into a bonding vacation.

1. Chapter 1

*i started this with the intention of writing a polyamorous one-shot with amy/reagan/karma. an alternate to the Cabin Fever story with amy/karma/liam*

*so far i have over 40 pages of this so-called alternate and i don't know where it's going or what will happen in the end but so far i like it but i definitely put very limited thought into it so keep that in mind*

*I just need to post this so I don't trash it entirely and give up*

*just don't be surprised AT ALL if this fic ends in a polyamorous relationship between amy/reagan/karma*

We're Just Not Supposed To Be Here…

Part I

She was such a sucker for Reagan, such an absolute sucker.

"Come on babe, I never get to hang out with her."

"I know but still…"

"It's not normal," Reagan pushed. "She's your best friend, and your whole life apparently, but you expect me not to know her?"

"It's just complicated Rae…"

"See, that's what you say but it really isn't," Reagan smiled at her, trying to be angry, which was hard and basically impossible. "What do you think is going to happen?" Reagan asked. "Do you think we'll hate each other?"

"Sort of."

"I don't hate her," Reagan said. She raised her eyebrow and looked at her girlfriend, the girl who couldn't trust her or talk to her or put faith in her like she should be able to.

"Karma is complicated."

"You mean, you and Karma are complicated," Reagan corrected.

"No," Amy pushed, sighing, getting frustrated but wanting to fix what was broken. "Karma is complicated. She can't take us together. I can't rub this in her face."

"Why not?" Reagan asked. "She did it to you with Liam."

"Yeah but she didn't know then."

"Know what?"

"She didn't know I was in love with her."

"She may not of known but that shouldn't really matter. Friends have to deal with their friends having girlfriends." Reagan pulled Amy close and wrapped her up in a hug, kissing her neck from behind and melting Amy into an instant warm puddle.

"So, that's it?"

"I just think it'll be healthy," Reagan said, her voice lower now since her lips were by Amy's ear.

"Karma doesn't know how to be healthy…" Amy sighed.

"Well then, we can teach her."

"You really don't think I've already tried that?" Amy asked, her voice dripping with disbelief.

"You may have tried but giving up on her is pretty sad Raudenfeld," Reagan sighed too and played with the fingers on Amy's right hand.

"I'm not giving up on her, I just know that staying away works better."

"So you'd rather not have your friend?"

"I'd rather have this," Amy said, holding Reagan's arms around her and wishing it was something she could easily explain or fix. It just wasn't like that, sadly. "This is simple. It's uncomplicated. And it's mine."

"You don't have a choice, okay? I'm making you do this."

"Why?"

"It's a good idea," Reagan pushed.

"It'll just confuse things. You don't know her like I do."

"Well… I want to know her," Reagan said. "She's a huge part of your life Amy. I need to know her, to know you." She had wanted to know more about Karma ever since she met her and saw how much Karma cared for Amy and how sensitive she was to every little thing that Amy said.

"Fine," Amy said, but she knew it was a horrible idea. The only thing that could come from the two of them together would be drama and upset. More confusion. More mess.

Part II

After much unexpected goading from Amy, and a personal visit from Reagan, Karma agreed to join the couple for a week at her mother's cabin up in the snow. It hadn't really been something she wanted to do but it would be nice to learn more about Reagan. And it'd be extra nice to actually see Amy after weeks of forcing herself to give Amy more space.

The hard thing was, Karma had been trying to get used to being without her. She saw how crazy she was being. She saw how possessive she was, how much she needed Amy in her life.

After the truth about Liam, and Amy's confession in the jail, Karma just knew it was her turn to step back and let Amy find some semblance of peace even if she herself couldn't do that, especially after all that went on.

Basically, Karma was crushed, her soul was crushed. And she had no one. Nowhere to go.

When Reagan came and found her in the auditorium after school? When Reagan was the one who begged Karma to make time for them both?

Karma couldn't say no, not after the dinner and the jail and the camping and everything else.

They were going to have a week off from school. Karma's mom had the cabin and she confessed to leaving it empty this year, which was something she really hated to do. Reagan was luckily off from both her dj commitments and her catering jobs.

When Reagan asked for a whole week to just hangout and get to know her, Karma wasn't going to be that asshole who just flat-out said no.

"I know the perfect place," Karma had said with that soft smile of hers, the one that portrayed pain through the fallacy of happiness. "How do you feel about snow?" She had asked.

"Snow's fine," Reagan smiled.

"Well," Karma said, taking a deep breath in and trying not to envision herself there. "My mom has a cabin, in the snow and she's been complaining about how she hates to leave it empty over the winter, so... It's not too far," Karma tagged on. This was an option, a real option.

"And we could come?" Reagan asked cautiously, her eyebrows raised.

"Of course," Karma said, hiding all of her insecurities as best she could. "You're family."

It was a bad idea.

Karma wanted to be nice, she wanted for Reagan to know her and she wanted to know Reagan too but it was all just so hard and deep down she knew that if this had been something Amy wanted Amy would've been the one to convince her and not Reagan.

"Then it's a date!" Reagan said, her smile wide and infectious. Family… She tried to digest that but it felt knew and almost fleeting.

"A date!" Karma smiled back nervously, feeling the brief tug of happiness though it did nothing but confuse her. Getting to know Reagan was hard because it stirred things up inside of her. When she looked at Reagan she knew that if Amy chose her she must be special. There was no denying how special Reagan must be. But Karma knew that knowing her would make everything worse. Knowing Reagan would make Karma feel even more horrible about her own fucking life. It was just that simple. She couldn't give Amy the things she needed. She couldn't be the person to get Amy to smile like Reagan did.

So yeah, it all burned. And yeah, it was a bad idea.

But after that?! There really was no turning back. Karma would go. Amy would go. Reagan would be the only one really wanting to be in the cabin.

It was so complicated Karma could scream.

It was so complicated Amy could freak the fuck out and call Karma and apologize and cancel it all for the both of them.

They had been doing so well. They had been working on the distance, creating the distance, putting up small little walls and healthily turning their intense friendship into something a little more manageable for the both of them, more normal.

Leading up to the trip, Reagan saw symptoms of Amy's nervousness and she quelled them at every turn.

"If you're not going to talk to her, or about her, I'm going to get to the bottom of things myself," Reagan had said on one particular tough night with Amy.

Amy could fight it all she wanted but she knew she'd do what Reagan wanted because that was her new way to be.

The plans were set.

Next thing they all knew, they were in the cabin, in the snow, trapped together, with no one around for miles and no escape, a full week of just them three.

And Karma and Amy couldn't have been more scared.

Part III

Getting to the cabin hadn't been easy. Karma drove and Reagan sat in the passenger seat controlling the music and asking her questions on occasion, small little things like "What do you think of this song?" or "I hear you like broadway."

It was a lot easier to pretend that nothing was weird when they were all three geeking out over the same things and singing the entire soundtrack to the original movie cast recording of Camelot.

That one was Amy's favorite because Lancelot was such a stooge and Guinevere was such a girl and Arthur was such a sweetie. If she was ever to rule a kingdom Amy knew she'd be just like Arthur, running away from her people and falling in love with the woman she was betrothed too, and letting her Guinevere leave after betraying her because she'd love her just that much. But those were all Karma's secret thoughts, weren't they? Things Karma knew about Amy. Karma knew. Reagan didn't.

Farrah loved Camelot, she always had. Karma knew that. Reagan didn't.

The list could go on and on. All the tiny little semi-related things that Karma knew. Like how when Amy finally saw the movie after singing the songs for a decade she cried for over a week because she had no clue what had actually happened to Guinevere up until then.

Amy tried to learn sword fighting once. Amy liked horses but she avoided them because one bucked Karma off at camp and Karma had to get stitches and Amy had to finish camp all alone and for that she would hate horses until her death.

There were so many little things that Karma knew.

Too many little things. And all of them hurt. Especially now.

On the flip side of things, it was strange for Amy to sing those songs with both her girls and know that one of them knew why she loved them and one of them had absolutely no clue why.

"This musical is ridiculous," Reagan laughed.

"It's Amy's favorite, what did you expect?"

"You're right about that," Reagan teased and chuckled. They both glanced back at Amy through their mirrors and noticed how uncomfortable she was being left out of things and still the topic of conversation.

Weird moments like that, they were already happening. And they hadn't even arrived.

In her mind, Karma chastised herself for the tiny bit of irrational anger she held inside towards Reagan. Karma knew Amy's entire life. Reagan didn't. It wasn't fair to assume Reagan knew anything. Just as it wasn't fair to be mad at her for not knowing, not yet.

Luckily, her anger flared inside and pointed it's aim inward towards her own heart. Reagan had no clue what Karma was thinking. She just thought it was all true. Of course Amy's favorite musical would be something ridiculous and satirical with cliche themes and a story as old as the dirt.

Karma's mind went off on a tangent. Karma thought about how Amy forced her to watch Legend of the Seeker and Merlin and The White Queen and pretty much any show that had to do with any kind of kingdom battle or class struggle. Amy loved history and literature and science fiction and pretty much everything Karma would've avoided if they hadn't of been friends.

Karma liked those things now, she liked them too. She loved Merlin and Arthur Pendragon was a fox. She loves The White Queen and felt her struggle every step of the way. She loved all of these things now but she had no one to share them with, not anymore...

With all this in mind, it would be a lie for anyone to say the drive went fine. They sang most of the way. And Reagan was oblivious because she really couldn't know what was happening internally between the two girls who knew each other inside-out but barely talked.

Amy was plagued by Karma's unspoken thoughts and Karma was plagued by her own stupidity and how everything out of her mouth felt wrong and everything inside her head felt wrong. Mostly Karma was plagued with her sudden lack of Amy. It had been that way for a while but to fight it would be wrong and she knew that now so she tried her best and didn't speak of things like that.

Part IV

The cabin changed things more.

It was quiet there. It was supposed to be peaceful but instead it unsettled two of them and twisted them up right away.

When they got in, Karma showed them their room and went to her own to unpack a few things and take a breath, steady her nerves. She held her hand out in front of her and noticed that she had been shaking.

But she couldn't talk about that and couldn't calm herself either. Amy affected her now, every day. When they were apart she could be calm. But together? She was a mess with her around, nervous, broken, strange, sad. All the while trying not to be...

As a contrast, Reagan was lovely. She really was. Karma adored her already. Respected her too.

She even loved her. She knew it would happen, she just hated that it had happened so fast. It felt wrong to be more comfortable with this stranger than she was with her own best friend.

But, it was what it was, and she had promised, so Karma would try.

On the other side of the wall she could hear them laughing together as she took her best friend necklace off and sighed, setting it down on the dresser and staring at it there.

Outside it was all snow and white.

The week would be too long and she knew it. She wouldn't last. But she would give it her all.

The laughter attacked her ears again and she sat down on the bed, muffled her cry with her hands and hurried off to the bathroom to run water so that no one could hear the panic in her now nor the sadness.

The drive had made her feel ill. It was becoming harder and harder to pretend to be unaffected.

Knowing too much about Amy had made her feel ill.

Part V

"So, whatta ya think?" Reagan asked. "Does she like me?"

"You hit it off," Amy concurred. But there was an under-current Reagan wasn't aware of. When Karma had glanced back at Amy in the mirror she had also seen that it was Rea's eyes Amy looked for first. This was the kind of thing Amy was trying to avoid.

"So, what's wrong grumpy kid?" Reagan had pressed her against a wall and she'd been stealing kisses and examining her mood. Amy looked vulnerable though, a little sad, and that scared Rae.

"I don't like hurting her," Amy said.

"She's fine," Reagan said, kissing Amy's neck and missing it all.

Amy let out a long exasperated sigh and Reagan stepped back away from her and watched her there.

"What is it? What am I missing?"

"You just don't know her Reagan. Believe me, she isn't happy about this."

"About what?" Reagan asked, shifting her weight from one foot to the next and crossing her arms.

"About this," Amy said. "About us, here, in the next room, kissing."

"Amy," Reagan laughed bitterly. She couldn't win.

The whole point of the trip was to break the ice and try to fix this whole problem.

"It's fine, it's just not. Okay?" Amy asked. She moved off the wall and left the room leaving Reagan alone and confused about everything.

Part VI

Karma heard a knock at her door. She wiped at her eyes and flushed the toilet for effect.

"Hey you," Amy said, watching, as Karma emerged from the small bathroom attached to her room.

"Hey," Karma smiled.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," Karma lied, sitting down on the bed. "Just tired I guess… Long drive."

It hadn't been that long. They both knew.

Plus, Karma had always reveled in long drives. Amy knew that.

"Oh," Amy said, trying to pretend to not know what the problem was when she really did know.

"Reagan's funny," Karma smiled, scooting back on the bed until her back was on the wall and she was sitting up facing her friend. This is normal, she thought. This has to be normal.

"She likes you," Amy said.

Reagan emerged from the next door room.

"I'm gonna get a drink," she said, looking between the girls and walking away. Once Reagan was out of earshot she approached Karma and spoke softly.

"You didn't want to do this, huh?" Amy asked, nervous about it. They hadn't talked much, it wasn't wise.

"Not really, no," Karma sighed and shuttered out a weak breath.

"Thanks for…"

"It's fine," Karma said, but she was already trying to fight off the impending tears.

"I know it's hard."

"Amy…" Karma sighed again, this time locking eyes with her friend and just begging her to stop worrying about her.

"Well…" Amy sighed. "How 'bout drinks?" She asked hopefully.

"Yes, please," Karma said.

Reagan had secured them a case of wine and a bottle of Jack for the week.

Karma had planned on cooking every meal and maybe with libations things would calm the fuck down and feel a little more simple.

Part VII

Reagan opened the wine and poured them all glasses.

They sat around the coffee table in the living room and played a game of monopoly together while Sylvan Esso played on the speakers in the background.

"Amy never told me you were killer at board games."

"Just lucky, I guess," Karma sighed. She took a drink of her near empty glass and stared down at her cards. She had Park Place and the Boardwalk. She had all three railroads and there was still one unclaimed. She was killing them without caring at all. She hated monopoly and Amy knew that. In the past Amy had blown up at her once for always winning and Karma had blown up right back because she never wanted to play, not ever, she hated monopoly no matter if she won or not.

Amy watched Karma every now and then, feeling grateful. There was so much that Karma could say, but she was holding back.

Karma may of had all the best pieces but none of that mattered because the game was fictitious. The piece she wanted was real and sitting right across from her and already claimed.

Reagan rolled the dice and moved three steps with her little metal race-car, landing on a space that no one yet owned and paying Amy for it while hating the silence in the room.

"You guys are kinda boring," Reagan confessed, not looking at either of them.

"We don't usually play board games," Amy laughed, shooting Karma a look that softened her gaze just a bit.

"Maybe we should drink more," Karma said.

Karma would be fine playing any board game right now. A distraction was a good idea and they all three needed it.

Since Amy foiled her plans of remaining simple and safe from trouble, Karma got up from the game and walked off toward the kitchen.

Karma took a new bottle out of the case and opened it, not caring how drunk she was probably about to get. Drunk would be better than feeling.

"What do you usually do?" Reagan whispered to Amy but Karma still heard.

"I dunno," Amy said. "Watch movies, talk…" She flashed her eyes at Reagan, begging for her to stop pushing.

"Lets talk then," Reagan suggested, pulling Amy's ankle to try and calm her down. While Karma's back was turned Reagan pinched Amy's ass just to get her to smile.

Coming back from the kitchen, Karma held the bottle of wine out to Rae and Rae met the bottle with the lip of her glass so that Karma could fill it up.

"Thanks," Rae said.

"No, thank you," Karma smiled flirtatiously just to ease a bit of the tension.

For Karma and Amy, talking was definitely a bad idea. There was a reason they'd minimized the importance of words in their lives of late. Every time they talked they were reminded of how much they loved each other. They needed to stop being close for things to work out with them as friends. It was important that they didn't talk. It was important that they didn't know every waking thought and feeling that the other had. The biggest problem was, somehow, even without words, they were still able to figure things out.

"What do you wanna know?" Karma asked, reading herself.

She and Reagan could talk. She and Reagan could pretend to be friends and learn new things about each other and joke around like things were simple. It was too hard for Amy and Karma to pretend with each other but with Reagan and Karma? It just couldn't hurt. Not too much anyway. Not unless Reagan started talking about Amy...

Karma took a sip of her wine.

"Well, everything," Reagan said. "Amy told me you play guitar."

"And I do," Karma said, nodding her head slowly and feeling like Callie from The Foster's every time people overstep all the problems in her life to talk about mundane things.

"What do you play?" Reagan asked. These girls weren't even giving her a scrap to chew on, this was almost torture.

"Oh God," Karma smiled. She looked up at the ceiling and tried to think about it. "Everything really. I love guitar. I love it all."

"I can play," Reagan said.

"Really?" Karma said. Amy hadn't said anything about it. And it would be exciting to Karma, Amy knew. "Amy never said-"

"Amy keeps a lot of things secret," Reagan said, shooting her girlfriend an accusatory look with love still underneath.

Karma looked at Amy and then back to Rae.

"Well, ah… We can play something," Karma suggested, feeling optimistic.

"What, now?" Reagan asked.

"Sure, why not?" Karma asked, standing.

Amy and Rae just sat there as Karma got up and walked away.

"What are you doing?" Amy asked.

"I'm bonding," Reagan teased.

Amy got up and began to fiddle with the wood next to the fire place. The cabin wasn't cold but it was getting dark and a fire couldn't hurt.

Rae lit a few candles and allowed her girlfriend to mope.

"I know you think I'm trying to start something but I'm really not," Reagan said, almost warning her girlfriend to knock it off.

From her place, squatting before the fire, Amy let out a sigh and turned around to face her girlfriend.

"This is really hard for me Rae," she confessed, before turning slowly back around and continuing to throw pieces of wood into the fireplace.

"I know. That's why I'm making you do it," Rae said. Karma and Amy had a big fucking problem. They wanted each other, needed each other, but they were avoiding one another and even Rae saw the problems in that.

"Just… Don't push it okay? I don't want her to break." Amy couldn't look at her, no matter how hard she tried to communicate her fears, Reagan didn't understand what Karma was and what this all was for Karma, how hard it must be.

Reagan wasn't sure what Amy thought was going to happen but she was sure that all she had done was hold a well-mannered conversation and play a stupid game.

"She's not gonna break," Reagan said.

Amy threw a few more logs on the fire, but those words more than frustrated her. When she turned back around Karma was coming through the door of her parents room with the necks of two guitars in her hands.

"I can't believe you just have those," Reagan said.

"My parents love music," Karma smiled nervously. "My dad plays too."

Amy stood up and crumpled newspaper with a close-lipped gaze.

Karma tried not to be distracted by her but she missed her so much, it was actually difficult not to stare.

Reagan took the guitar Karma offered and she began to tune it since that was what Karma was doing with hers.

"So, what do you know?" Karma asked, taking another sip of wine and feeling more confident with her guitar in her hands. She was already feeling the effects of the wine and she found herself suddenly loving the night for this exact moment with the candles and the fire and the time with Amy and this new musical friend.

"How about this?" Reagan asked, playing out the beginning to Taylor Swift's song Mean.

Karma started to laugh and put her wine down to play along.

"Do you know what it is?" Reagan beamed.

"Of course she does," Amy scoffed, watching them both and feeling a world of emotions all at once, most prominent was happiness.

When no one else started singing Karma decided to take it up while Amy lit the fire and tried not to smile.

Amy's mind was trying to escape. They were both so sexy… So talented.. So kind. But this couldn't end well.

Reagan only ever played that song to tease Amy. Amy loved Tay Swift songs, she had a secret obsession that she had actually hid from Rae for exactly this reason, the teasing.

Karma, on the other hand, loved the song, and she'd sung it to Amy before many times.

"You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me. You, have knocked me off my feet again. Got me feelin' like a nothin'..."

When Karma sang Tay's words with her deep and almost heavenly voice, Reagan sorta got why Amy would love a corny Tay song like that.

On the opposite side of the spectrum Amy listened and felt a pang for Karma as she went along with the lyrics.

"You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, callin' me out while I'm wounded. You, pickin' on the weaker man…"

They both played into the chorus and Karma took the higher part while Reagan sang low.

"You can take me down with just one single blow. But you don't know what you don't know."

By the time they got to the chorus everyone was smiling and Amy couldn't help the blush that jumped to her cheeks.

She lit the fire and sat down to listen. Both her girls took turns smiling at each other and then her while Amy sat on the ground and drank her wine and tried not to hate how happy they all were right now.

Part VIII

When the song finally ended it was like some weight had been lifted.

It was an icebreaker. A good one.

But now what?

Where could they possibly go?

"Here's a new one I just learned," Karma said, moving her fingers and ignoring the room, trying not to feel scared. She started in on a melancholy yet fancy guitar intro that neither Amy nor Reagan had heard before.

As Karma played Reagan got down off her chair and left the guitar to sit behind Amy and hold her lovingly while Karma played.

When the words kicked in the song was so very sad.

"Wait awhile…" Karma sang and the lyrics came out slow and stretched with long bouts of guitar in-between. "'Cause heaven knows how much I… I might've been loved…"

It was a depressing song but it was beautiful.

At one point in there it wasn't lost on Amy that Karma had actually called herself a heartless bitch.

But it was just a song right?

Just a song…

Wait a while…

'Cause heaven knows how much I might've been loved…

"Where'd you hear that?" Amy said, wanting to cry and feeling mad at herself.

"The internet," Karma said, shaking her head and trying to brush over any importance the song hand. But the importance burned like static in the room, surrounding her and Amy and frustrating them both.

Karma took another sip of wine and started in on something else.

"I learned this one too," she said, playing something fast and instantly switching gears to try and keep it together, change the atmosphere in the room.

If they were going to turn her into a monkey just to keep things from exploding, a monkey she would be.

She started a real funky guitar arrangement of Lady Gaga's "Do What You Want With My Body."

Karma hadn't even tried to be possessive. She didn't mean to cause static with her rendition of "Heaven Knows." That really was the first thing that came to her mind to play. But she already wished she hadn't played it tonight.

If she wanted to be hurtful or obvious she could've just gone at it with "Jealous of Your Girlfriend" by Alicia Keys. If she wanted to confess her love or her need to have Amy around she could've picked a better song, a more obvious tune.

She played that song because, in the moment, she had needed to.

That was it.

Amy wouldn't forget it though.

And Reagan couldn't promise that she wouldn't ask about it once their doors were closed and they were in separate rooms.

The Gaga song was helping though. It seemed random and that was good.

When she finished again and they clapped and laughed. Karma started in on another. If she kept playing no one would ever have to talk.

"Okay, one more, then it's your turn," Karma said, warning Reagan. It was a Gaga type of night.

When Karma started in on "You and I" both Reagan and Amy were just blown away by her voice.

By the time the song ended they weren't just clapping they were crying with how good it was.

"You're insane!" Reagan said.

"Just weird," Karma laughed, exchanging a happy smile with Amy and getting up off the chair to hand Reagan the guitar. "Okay, your turn now," Karma said.

She got down on the floor and waited. She specifically sat on the other side of the table so she'd be away from Amy and hopefully not even tempted to look at her.

"Okay, well," Reagan felt a little nervous but the crowd was so small. "Amy's already heard this one, but I used to play this alone after my last girlfriend broke up with me."

Reagan cleared her throat and started in hard and fast on the strumming.

"Lonely girl you lost the only thing you loved. Nothing that you have is ever good enough. And I won't be the one to keep you safe. And I won't be the one who stays the sameeee.."

Amy started getting nervous as soon as Reagan had started to play. But Reagan was so passionate, she could have no clue what the lyrics would make Karma feel. She didn't understand.

By the time Rae hit the chorus Amy felt that she might jump up and ask her to stop but she didn't.

"You got a lotta nerve and. Looks like the table's turned and. And now you're wishin' me well like you miss me. You got a dirty tongue and. Looks like the damage done is, forever and it's a long to miss me. Whoa ah ahh. And it's a long time to miss me."

If Karma had created static with her song Reagan had just unleashed a cannonball straight at Karma's chest with Tonight Alive's, Lonely Girl.

"Wow," Karma said, clapping, once the song was all done. She took a sip of her wine but refused to look at Amy. Her chest was on fire and it was hard to breathe. She was well aware that she must look winded to anyone looking but there was not much she could do.

"I was in a bad place back then," Reagan said, using only half of her mouth. "Here's another one from back then. It's one of my favorites. Less… GRRR," Reagan joked.

When she started in on the song it calmed Karma down a little but Amy couldn't stop staring over at her and knowing what had happened to her just then.

Reagan's voice began to sing lyrics all in spanish. The song she sang was so pretty but so fucking sad. Karma understood it, every word, but Amy didn't.

Once Reagan finally got to the chorus it was so beautiful that Karma was capable of stepping out of her emotions and trying to place Reagan's thoughts right on her.

"Asi que corre corre corre corazon… De los dos tu siempre fueste el mas veloz… Toma todo lo que quieras pero vete ya que mis lagrimas jamas te voy a dar… Asi que corre como siempre no miras atrás lo has hecho ya y la verdad me da igual. Ya vivi esta escena y con mucha pena te digo no, conmigo no…"

The girl had been ruined though faithful and she was over it now, she had to be done. Karma got that, she understood.

Why was it though that every song came back to Amy?

She couldn't help herself the tightness in her throat. She couldn't shake it off or pretend it wasn't there.

She listened and cried while Reagan sang and got teary herself, the song had a lot more meaning to Reagan because of all the women in her life who had let men trample all over them in the name of love.

On the other side of the table Amy watched them both and listened. She saw that Karma was crying and she hated again that they were all actually there.

"She really hurt you," Karma said, still fighting off her tears.

"Yeah.. She really did…" Reagan said. But the song wasn't just about her.

"I'm sorry," Karma said. Surprising Amy and Reagan both. "No one should have to go through that pain."

"It's okay," Reagan said, taking a sip of her wine and sitting back down on the floor. "I'm happier now anyway," Reagan said, sitting behind Amy again and wrapping her up in a hug.

"Yeah," Karma smiled, huffing out a relieved and shaky breath. "You've got Amy."

"That I do," Reagan said, hugging her arms around Amy's waist and holding onto her like she was a giant doll.

"Well," Karma said. She had been watching them, feeling too much. "I should probably sleep. I haven't been feeling well. I think it's the wine."

"You can't sleep, we just started playing," Reagan smiled.

"I think she's right Rae," Amy said. "We've got all week and I'm sorta tired."

"Fine," Reagan said. "But don't think I don't know this is because you two don't know how to talk to each other anymore. I know a distraction when I see one, and while this one was extremely impressive, you've gotta talk sooner or later."

Amy shot Karma an apologetic look while getting up.

"Thanks for the music," Karma said. "It was nice."

"You weren't so bad yourself," Reagan smiled.

"Still," Karma said, staring at Rae like she had somehow discovered the moon. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," Rae gulped in her throat, staring a little too long before nodding a grateful smile.

Karma turned from her awkwardly and shut herself up in her room.

She had brought the wine bottle and turned the bath on.

But she couldn't stop herself crying, not even for a moment, not after that day and those songs.

Part IX

"So you're not talking to me now?" Rae asked.

Amy had taken a shower and come back and no matter how many questions Rae asked Amy refused to open her mouth and respond.

"I really don't get why you're mad at me, we had a great night," Reagan said.

"You had a great night," Amy pushed, throwing the covers back angrily, fluffing her pillow and climbing inside.

"What are you talking about?! Karma loved it!"

"Despite what you may think, you don't know her Rae and I do."

"So, she didn't have a good time?" Reagan asked truthfully, wondering where these thoughts of Amy's were even coming from.

"Can we just sleep?" Amy asked, she was so tired of it all already.

"I don't want you to be mad at me," Rea pushed.

"Just forget it," Amy said, rolling away from her and frustrating her girlfriend.

On the other side of the wall Karma's hair was wet and she had heard their voices sounding upset instead of fun.

Part X

When she woke early in the morning Amy got out of bed first and went to the kitchen to fix coffee for everyone.

"Oh.. Didn't know anyone was up."

"Couldn't sleep," Amy said.

"Me neither, not really," Karma sighed, walking to the fridge and pulling out eggs and greens.

Amy was making coffee because Amy knew Karma loved to have coffee in the morning. Just as she knew Karma would appreciate it if she had made her some.

"Last night was…"

"Different?" Karma asked hopefully, now smiling about the night that had actually hurt to endure.

"Yeah," Amy sighed, relieved that they could talk about it.

"It was what it was," Karma relented, rolling her eyes just a bit. They were all doing the best they could do. "Your girlfriend obviously wants to know me so I guess this is for the best."

"I dunno," Amy sighed. She was sitting on the counter next to the coffee maker and swinging her legs.

"What do you mean? Do you not want her to know me?" Karma asked, turning to face her.

"No, it's not that," Amy corrected. "I just…"

"Don't worry about me, okay? I'll survive it."

"Okay…" Amy said, jumping down from the counter and getting close to her so she could look in her eyes. "Just… Tell me you didn't cry last night and I'll stop worrying."

Karma stared and raised a hand to her forehead before turning away.

"I'm fine," Karma said with her back to Amy and her head hanging down, she was trying to turn the stove on to distract herself from her feelings. But she hadn't told her that she hadn't been crying.

"I know you Karms…"

"And I know you too. This isn't easy for you either. So maybe she's right."

Amy was still standing next to Karma when Rea came out of the room and rubbed at her eyes.

"You guys are crazy," she said. "Who wakes up this early on a day off?"

"Yeah whatever, lazy butt," Amy teased.

Reagan came over and leaned on Amy and Karma turned away once she realised Amy was going to kiss Reagan good morning. She couldn't watch that. Her stomach tugged and she held it.

Reagan and Amy were both sorry for going to bed like they did but they couldn't talk about it now so Amy kissed Reagan extra slow and gave her an apologetic look. And Reagan just nodded her head, feeling sad about it all and a little uneasy but taking Amy into her arms and holding her from behind in the kitchen.

"You guys are adorable," Karma said, refusing to look.

"Bet you didn't know your best friend was so into cuddles."

"I knew," Karma said, almost solemnly, still not looking at them. She threw more broccoli into her pan and pushed it around. "Amy's pretty needy," Karma teased licking butter off her thumb.

"She is!" Reagan laughed, poking Karma on the waist and causing her to smile and really see her for maybe the first time that morning.

"We always sleep together at my house," Karma said.

"You act like you're not needy too," Amy interjected, speaking in turn about Karma.

"I know I am," Karma said. "There's nothing wrong with it. I told you it's cute."

"Ha-" Reagan laughed at Amy and turned to check out the food. "What are you makin'?"

"I was thinkin' omelets."

"Hmmm," Reagan said. "I think I saw peppers in there." Reagan moved to fetch the peppers and Karma teased Amy with a know-it-all grin while she shuffled the veggies in the pan.

"I hate you right now," Amy said.

"I know," Karma smiled, putting a piece of broccoli in her mouth and biting it with her victory.

Part XI

They made breakfast and ate like kings. After that they decided to go outside.

Karma's family always went sledding in this one spot close by.

It was a lame distraction but another one she could use.

"Do you guys come out here every winter?" Reagan asked.

"Yeah," Amy said, answering for her.

"You too?"

"Mostly," Amy said.

But Amy hadn't said that until now so it sorta shocked Rae.

"My parents love Amy," Karma said. "She's like the daughter they wish they had."

"But they have you," Reagan said.

"Yeah, but we're different."

Karma walked ahead leaving the two lovers to their own odd glances. Someone she was good at pretending all the words didn't upset her.

"Why didn't you tell me you came here with her?"

"It didn't seem important, I guess," Amy said.

Reagan pushed Amy and walked ahead of her when she stumbled back.

"What were your winters like?" She asked Karma.

"Like this mostly," Karma pondered. "Except, more people and more of us hiding away in our room together to try and keep everyone else out."

Karma realized what she had said and shook her head to remind herself to have some tact.

"Sounds about right," Reagan said.

"Amy and I were always hiding from my family," Karma wanted to make sure Reagan knew it was about family and not just "others."

"Do you have a big family?" Karma asked to try and steer the conversation away.

"Huge," Reagan said.

Amy walked behind them and let them talk but she hated it all, every second of it felt like sharp nails poking in her head.

"Two sisters, three brothers, tons of cousins and uncles. A lot of crazy relatives. Like REALLY crazy."

Karma laughed and it made Amy feel better.

"My mom's from Mexico and my dad's from here. She tries to pretend she's okay with me being gay but she's really not."

"Is that why you live with roommates instead of family?"

"Exaclty."

"Makes sense," Karma smiled. "Sometimes family can just be a mess."

"That is very true…"

"Either way, Amy's my family."

"'cept you barely talk," Reagan pointed out.

Karma and Amy both stopped in their tracks.

"Reagan!" Amy huffed.

"What? Is it supposed to be a secret? Am I the only one that sees it? I mean, I don't think I'm the only one."

"We talk," Karma said, trying to shake it off and defend her friend.

But they really didn't.

Ever since the jail they hadn't been talking much at all.

Family… Karma thought and sighed.

It was the first time all day she had wanted to cry.

"We're not talking as much because I need to give her space," Amy said.

"Space for what? Karma's fine," Reagan said outloud, speaking for Karma.

"I dunno if I am," Karma laughed sadly. She kept on walking and tried to get away from the awkward that was suddenly happening in her own backyard. The more the happy couple squabbled the more Karma wanted to run away, find a rock, and just cry on it.

"Okay, then Karma needs you," Reagan said, looking back at Amy.

"Karma knows I'm always here."

"This isn't something she can help me with," Karma sighed, reminding them both.

They could talk about it outloud it didn't change anything, didn't help.

"Why not?" Reagan asked.

"I'm the problem," Amy said.

"Amy," Karma nearly gasped, turning around to look at her with that wounded and sorrow-filled face, tears just seconds from spilling. "You could never be my problem."

As Karma turned away again, wanting to cry or scream or just flip the fuck out and run away from it all, Reagan smiled back at Amy as if what had just happened had been a victory.

To Reagan it was simple. The sooner the friends were talking again, the sooner they were both happier and they could all get along.

But Reagan didn't understand that Karma loved Amy too much and THAT was the actual problem. Even Amy could see that Karma was coming more and more into her feelings every day.

Karma walked quickly to the edge of the hill and laid her sled down and sat down on it pushing off.

Within seconds she was far away from Amy and Rae. Within seconds she was hurdling down a steep hill with the wind in her hair.

She held on tight and tried not to cry.

"What the hell is your problem Reagan?!" Amy yelled at the top of the hill once Karma was gone.

Karma couldn't hear because it was too fast and she was too far away.

"What the hell did I do now?!" Reagan was pissed.

"You don't get it okay?! You could never get it."

"What don't I get."

"I love her and she loves me."

"Yeah, that's obvious."

"Karma doesn't love me like normal girls love their best friends."

"Of course she does."

"No she doesn't Rae, it's more than that."

"If it was more than that, you'd be dating," Reagan said.

"I know you think that but it isn't true, okay?"

"So what do you want me to do?" Reagan asked.

"I want you to stop pushing her, pushing us. When you ask her these questions you're hurting her."

"The only one who hurt her back there was you."

"No…" Amy stepped back from her, almost ashamed.

She turned around and began to walk away back towards the house.

When Karma reached the bottom of the hill she looked up to see Reagan watching her and all alone.

"WHERE'S AMY?!" Karma yelled.

"SHE WENT BACK TO THE HOUSE!" Reagan yelled back. And then she got on the sled and rode the hill all the way down.

"What's going on?" Karma asked nervously, still a bit breathless from the fall.

"I don't know…" Reagan confessed.

Karma was happy to know she wasn't the only one fighting off tears.

Part XII

Reagan stayed sitting in the sled.

"Will you talk to me, please?" Reagan asked.

"Sure," Karma said, putting her sled back down and sitting inside of it.

"What's going on with you guys? Why won't she talk to me?"

Karma let out a pained sigh.

"It's complicated," she said. "I'm complicated."

"Yeah, but what does that mean?"

"We just know each other's thoughts and that's hard."

"Why is it hard?"

"Because we're not together anymore," Karma said, surprising Reagan because it didn't make sense.

"Together as in friends?"

"Yes. No… I dunno…" Karma shrugged. "You were there at the dinner, I'm no good at letting Amy go."

"But you're just friends."

"Are we?" Karma asked truthfully. For the longest time all she had wanted was for someone else to understand. When no one else did, that was when she started to realize that something was off.

It was the wrong person to ask, sure. But were they?

"Are you?" Reagan asked back.

"We've never slept together. It's not like that," Karma said, reassuring her.

"So what's the problem?"

"It's that I want her for myself."

Reagan said nothing.

"And that's wrong. It's stupid."

"Selfish." Reagan said.

"Exactly," Karma agreed, gesturing to her so that she'd know she knew it was wrong.

"So you haven't been talking because you know it's wrong."

"Right," Karma said, her chest right again.

"But, that's not normal."

"I know," Karma said, looking up at the giant white hill ahead of them, the hill that they'd soon have to climb to get back to the house, back to her.

She turned back to Reagan and looked at her. "I want to be a good friend. I want to be able to get over this, live through it…"

"But what if?"

"What if?"

"Nothing…" Reagan said, but the thoughts that formed in her mind were definitely not happy ones, at least, not for her.

Karma loved Amy and there was no such thing as loving too much. Relationships tended to escalate and Reagan knew that Karma could be escalating too now, because of all she had gone through.

"Amy got mad at me last night," Reagan blurted out.

"What for?" Karma asked.

"She said I didn't get it. She said there was no way you could've been happy in your room next to us after the night we had."

"What do you want me to say?" Karma asked.

"Was she right? Were you sad?"

"Amy knows me," Karma said, hoping that it would be enough.

"Yeah but, was she right?"

"Of course..." Karma said, though she hadn't wanted to. Reagan watched as Karma picked her sled up and walked away towards the snow-covered stairs that had a rail.

Reagan stood behind and she didn't know what to feel.

Part XIII

Back at the house Amy had been crying. The trip was a bad idea. The trip was a stupid thing to do.

"Amy?" Karma's voice and the sound of the front door cut through the quiet air of the house and alerted Amy to Karma's presence.

"In here," Amy said, gathering herself.

Karma followed those words into the bedroom where she herself had slept the night before.

"What are you doing?" Karma asked.

"I dunno," Amy said. The stress of it all was a little too much.

Karma sat down next to her and took her hand.

"I just wanted it to stop," Amy said.

"Well it did," Karma said.

"For a second," Amy scoffed.

"Look, I can make something up. I can say my mom called and she needs me? You guys can stay and have the week? Romantic week in a cabin all alone."

"You really think I could stay here without you?" Amy cried, sort of disgusted with her all of a sudden.

"It'd be fine," Karma said. "I need to learn to-"

"Karma, no. I wouldn't do that to you."

"Okay.." Karma shrugged. She let her shoulders slump down. "Well.. What should we do then? Is there any way I can make this easier?"

"Did you cry last night?"

"Hmmm?" Karma didn't like the question. "When?" She tried to laugh. "I cried when Reagan played, if that's what you mean."

"You know what I'm asking," Amy said.

"It doesn't matter Amy," Karma shrugged and sighed. She didn't want to tell her. Everything was complicated enough.

"It does though," Amy said. "This is exactly why I didn't want to do this in the first place."

"And I didn't want to either," Karma reminded.

"I know," Amy said.

"Look, it's fine," Karma tried. "We can all leave."

"So that you can go home and cry alone without me?"

Karma didn't know quite what to say about that.

"I'm gonna have to go home eventually."

"All of a sudden I don't even want to leave your fucking side," Amy said with a dire earnestness.

The sound of a car starting up alerted them both.

"Fuck! Reagan," Amy said, hopping up.

By the time they reached the drive Rea was already in reverse and speeding away.

"REAGAN!" Amy yelled, seeing her girlfriend's upset expression and the tears on her skin.

But she was gone.

"What happened?" Amy asked.

"She asked what you asked," Karma said, letting her arms fall down and turning back to go into the house.

"Why didn't you lie?!" Amy said.

"Is that what we're doing now?" Karma cried. "Are we really back to faking it?!" If Karma could help it, she'd never want to lie or fake it again.

"Karma!" Amy said, following after her.

It was wrong of Amy to ask her to lie. But Reagan didn't need to hear this shit from Karma of all people.

"I don't get how you could be mad at me right now," Karma spoke bitterly, sadly. "I didn't want to come. I didn't ask to come. Despite how much I wanted to see you. I stayed away from you Amy. I let you go because you needed to go. You know this is hard for me. Now you're mad that I cry when I'm alone? And I miss you everyday?! Like that's some big secret I would willingly keep from you?!"

"No, Karma… No," Amy said, calming down. "I'm mad because Reagan doesn't get it and there's no right way to explain it without it sounding like…"

"We're in love…" Karma said, her arms crossed again and her expression just like it was back in the holding cell of the jail.

"Yeah," Amy sighed.

"Well, maybe we just are," Karma said. She'd been trying to fight all the ways in which it killed her to be without her friend.

"Maybe," Amy said. Maybe you didn't need sex to be in love. Maybe that was never their problem.

"But you don't want to kiss me Karma," Amy said without thinking.

"Uhh," Karma sighed heavily. "That's not even…" She cut herself off. "I told you I was the problem. I get that I'm the problem," Karma said. "I don't know what I want. I never know what I want," Karma said, feeling shaky. "Just… Call your girlfriend please," Karma said, handing Amy her phone.

"And… For the record… I guess you don't remember but I was the one who told you I liked it when we kissed after the first time."

Karma walked off to her room and slammed the door.

Amy sat down at the table and waited for Reagan to pick up.

Part XIV

"Where are you going?"

"I just needed to think," Reagan said.

"I know it's confusing. This is why I didn't want to do this."

"You got mad at me Amy. You've been upset with me this whole trip and all I've been is myself."

"I know," Amy said, feeling pitiful. "It's not your fault. I know."

"Well, you were right about Karma."

"What do you mean?"

"She did cry."

"Oh," Amy sighed.. "Why did you ask her that Rae?" Amy just wanted to scream.

"I just wanted to know what it was that you both weren't saying."

"You've already seen it though. You were there at that dinner."

"I was there, but it didn't make sense."

"Yeah, and it still doesn't," Amy said.

"So, she's in love with you?"

"She's always been in love with me but that doesn't change anything. It doesn't take away our problem."

"What's your problem?"

"She wants something else, Rae," it was a horrible thing to have to say. "She wants the American dream with the husband and the three kids and the puppies and the vacations."

"And she can't have that with you?"

"Guess not," Amy said. "But we figured this out a while ago, okay? None of this is new information. I haven't been thinking about this."

"I can't believe you let me talk you into doing this."

"Don't," Amy said, tears rushing her.

"You should've told me this before."

"I thought you knew!" Amy was beyond upset at how everything seemed to be turning around onto her.

"HOW WOULD I KNOW?!" Reagan yelled.

Amy let the phone dangle in her wrist away from her ear.

"Will you just come back? Please?" She cried as she pathetically begged.

"Fine," Reagan said. She didn't really know where she had been going anyway.

Part XV

When Karma heard the door again she decided to stay in her room.

She was right in what she said. She didn't mean to come or cause a problem. All she wanted was to be able to be normal. That was it.

When a knock came at her door Karma wasn't expecting it to be Reagan.

"Can we go into town?" Reagan asked.

"Sure," Karma said, feeling nervous if not a bit relieved. If Reagan and Amy went out together she could actually find some time to relax and get calm.

"I meant, all of us," Reagan said. She'd obviously been crying.

"Oh," Karma said. "Sure." This time she got up and pulled a coat out of her suitcase and took Reagan's hand and squeezed it on her way out.

"I didn't mean to freak out," Reagan said.

"It's fine," Karma sighed. "I didn't mean to upset you."

And they were both telling the truth.

They got in the back seat of the car and Reagan pulled Karma in to hug her and lay on her.

"Some things are just confusing," Reagan said.

"I didn't want to come," Karma confessed. Slow tears were still somehow falling out of her eyes.

In the front seat Amy ignored them and drove.

Amy had seen a diner on the way in and they could all use a bit of comfort food.

"I'm sorry," Reagan said. She realized she had put them all in an awkward position. But would it have been better to keep ignoring the obvious? Reagan wasn't sure but she still wanted to help them.

Karma squeezed Reagan's hand and felt safe in her arms.

"We don't have to talk," Reagan said.

"K," Karma said, raising Rae's hand up in hers to wipe a tear of her cheek. She laughed a little, noticing how close she had randomly come with her. Absent-mindedly she brought her lips to Reagan's hand and kissed it thankfully. If anything she was glad someone else was there.

Part XVI

At the diner they all ordered huge meals. Even Karma ordered a dish with a giant slab of mashed potatoes.

Bleary eyed and confused on what to talk about Karma tried to say something of interest.

"You're really pretty," Karma said, causing Reagan to cock her head and blush a tad without meaning too.

"Thank you, Karma..." Reagan laughed. "You're pretty too," she teased.

Amy stared at Reagan and cocked an eyebrow. She liked that everyone was finally on the same fucking page.

"Not as pretty as you," Karma said. "My lips are boring and my nose is huge.. Also my hair is crazy," Karma was just rambling with her head in her hand.

"Stop it, you're beautiful," Amy smiled.

"Right," Karma said, flashing her eyes at her and eating a bit of her potatoes.

"Your voice is amazing," Reagan said. "Amy had shown me a few of your old videos."

"Ew, Amy?" Karma smiled awkwardly. "Those are horrible."

"They weren't bad," Reagan said. "But hearing you last night was something else. I'd trade my whole body for a voice like that."

It wasn't supposed to come out so sexual but it did.

Karma cleared her throat and tried to move past it.

"We should collaborate," Karma said, remembering how great they sounded during the bridge of that Taylor Swift song.

"Maybe we should," Reagan said. Beneath the table she squeezed Amy's hand.

"So, ah-" Amy was nervous but she spoke anyway since she knew Reagan wanted her too. "Reagan has a lot of equipment." She paused a second because they were both staring at her like she was insane. "For mixing." Amy tagged on. Awkward bird that she was.

"Oh," Reagan sighed. "Yeah, I do. But I don't really work with vocals ever. I just don't like my voice that much."

"Your voice is sexy," Karma said, moving a hand over Reagan's out of reflex and locking on her eyes. "I mean… The second song you sang last night?"

"Corre Corre Corre Corazón?"

"Yeah, that one," Karma said, licking her lips at just the mention on Reagan's tongue. "Th-that was beautiful," she stuttered feeling flustered.

"I think it was more the song than me."

"I dunno about that," Karma said, moving her hand away and trying to blush less, smile less.

"Do you guys want me to leave," Amy joked.

"Shut up," they both said. They both wanted to hit her but Reagan was the closest so she got to win.

"You're sorta making us do all the work," Karma said, looking more at Reagan than Amy and knowing that Reagan agreed.

"I could say any number of things but I don't know what you guys want me to say."

"Say what you want," Karma said. "It's not like it's hard."

"She's always like this with new people," Karma said. "Not usually with me though," she tagged on.

"Says the person who used to make me talk to boys for her."

"Whatever," Karma blushed.

"Did you really make her do that?" Reagan asked.

"Yes. I am the worst," Karma confessed, guilty and regretful about it all.

"She used to get sick. She couldn't even talk to Liam when we first met."

"Liam.. Liam… Now there's an interesting topic," Reagan said. "So, how's it going with you two?"

"It's not." Karma said. "Going."

She'd ended it with him after he slept with his very best friend.

Yeah, they were still fucking every now and again but a relationship was out of the question. She'd never trust him again. That was poor judgement at it's ultimate poor.

"She realized he only wanted her because she was a lesbian," Amy said. There was a secret and Karma didn't know. Amy had never told Reagan about the Liam stuff.

"Sort of, and then he slept with you," Karma said, not putting two and two together quick enough.

"What?" Reagan asked. Her face seemed to drain of its blood.

"What?" Karma said, looking up to Amy in panic and then back to Reagan.

"He slept with who?" Reagan asked, looking at Amy.

"Me. he slept with me," Karma tried. She tried to get Reagan to look back at her and talk to her.

"Amy," Reagan said, judging her.

"It was an accident, a long time ago."

Reagan pushed at Amy until Amy had to let her out of the booth.

Watching and pretty much shocked, Karma got up and chased Reagan since Amy was apparently incapable of chasing anyone, so it seemed.

"Reagan, stop!" Karma tried. "Don't strand us, please," she knew that would work.

Reagan stopped at the door of the car.

"What do you mean she slept with Liam?"

"It was after…"

"After what?" Reagan asked.

"It was the night she told me she loved me," Karma said, shifting her weight from one leg to the other.

Reagan turned to the parking lot and then back to Karma.

"Why the hell would she keep that a secret?"

"I dunno," Karma said, seriously. "But it's over and done."

"How are you talking to her? How do you not hate her? If my best friend slept with my girlfriend I'd be beyond pissed."

"I just… I got why she did it," Karma tried but there really was no explaining why she and Amy were okay with the odd things they were okay with.

"What, as a punishment?"

"Sort of… Yeah…"

Karma sat down on the concrete curb outside the restaurant and Reagan came and sat down to join her.

"She wanted to hurt me 'cause I had hurt her." Karma said, almost in a whisper.

"I don't get it. How did you hurt her?"

"I didn't love her enough."

Fuck that, Reagan wanted to say. But the words they just wouldn't come out.