Pein and Konan Doing What????

By A Clockwork Pumelo and An Incredibly Persistent Plot Bunny

I do not own any of the characters. They belong to Mashahi Kishimoto.

I got the inspiration for this from a fic involving Kimimaro and Juugo. Go figure. Read and review, tell me if this was funny, or if I should go play in a food processor. I seem to be on a spree of crappy oneshots, so don't expect anything Tolkien worthy! Enjoy!

When Deidara finally got up the energy to climb the flights of stairs up to leader's room, he stopped at the door. He didn't think he wanted to disturb whatever was going on in there, judging by the sounds they were making.

"Ahhhhahhaaaaaa...owww Konan... not so hard."

"You said you needed me to... help you with this... little problem of yours."

"Ok, ok that feels good... now, see if you can find the balls."

"Oh, umm where do I find those?"

"Umm... I don't know, somewhere down there... ahh, just feel around for them, but meanwhile concentrate on this. Careful, it might slip out..."

"Ugh, you just had to say that didn't you? Now it's out, and I have to put it back in all over again! Unh, I swear Pein, this is more trouble than it's worth!"

"Owwowwowwowwoww! Don't pull on it that hard! That hurts!"

"I'm trying not to, but you are making it rather difficult. Hold still and stop squirming for a second and I'll finish it up!"

"Ok, but be quick, and here, get it a little wet."

"Damnit Pein, it always get all swollen up like this every time we try to do something."

"That's because you're always yanking on it and messing with it, duh."

"Fine, you do it, and I'll sit and watch. Oh, and I never found the balls, I don't think these will fit."

"That's cold."

"Damn right it is."

"Jeeze woman, would you just quit trying to screw around and finish this up?!?!?"

"Don't you talk to me like that! I'll bite it off if you try that again!"

"Damnit, just give it to me and I'll force it in."

"Pein, don't do that, you'll damage-"

"See, everything's in place. Konan!!!! Get it off! Getiitoffgetitoffgetitoff!!!!!"

"Ugh, silly, it's just blood."

"Now, where did you find the balls?"

"I could've sworn they were right here... aha! Found them!"

"Ok, now... screw... left...ok right...harder...a little more...ahhhh..."

"There... happy now, my Pein-kun?"

Deidara was joined by Kisame and Itachi, who were just back from a mission and were going to debrief. Deidara motioned them to stay quiet and not disturb Leader-sama. Kisame' eyes went even rounder at what he heard, and Itachi took out a miniature tape recorder and started taping.

"Oh no, we still have round two!"

"...Great... at least this time it'll be easier now that it's loosened up."

"Okay, I think I can get it in there myself this time... yeah... that feels so great... ok, found the other ball yet?"

"Yep. Just hold still while I put it in there..."

"Oooohhh, Konan that tickles!"

"Stop moving! Okay! There it is!"

"Oh wow, that was so much easier... hey Konan, do you think my balls sag? Like are they too big, or should I get thicker ones?"

"Nah, they look rather jaunty and happy, now that they can finally be shown off."

"Konan, I don't know what I'd ever do without you."

"You'd have to do that yourself, and trust me, it wouldn't be nearly as fun, hmm?"

"You are so right, angel, I can always count on you to help me with my problems..."

They all raced down the stairs when they heard Pein's footsteps approaching the door.

"Oh, umm, Konan, I think they heard us."

"Let the poor bastards envy, it's good for them... meanwhile I have something else for you to do..."

At dinner that night, Kisame, Itachi, and Deidara filed into the dining room, not looking at Pein. They continued to stare at their plates all supper, until the leader cleared his throat and addressed the entire table.

"So... see anything new about me? Anything?" He shook his head, causing the goldstone balls on his new, heavier gage earrings to flap with the motion. Konan grinned at him, larger balls on her earrings too. All of the Akatsuki looked up from their dinner plates and burst into laughter. All except Itachi, who was quietly shredding the tape under the table.