Author's Note: This is the first story for Miss Weaselette who requested a JP/LE. This is my first of this pairing, but I think it turned out okay. I hope you enjoy it.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
What I Feel For You
"Just let it go, Potter. You know as well as I do that you're not in love with me," Lily Evans, Head Girl of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, said exasperatingly to her fellow Head, James Potter. Potter had been following her around, as usual, begging for her to at least give him a chance. At least one date. She might have agreed, had he not started to spout crap about him being in love with her. Lily was sure that Potter didn't love her. They barely even knew each other. They barely spoke unless it was him hitting on her, or her literally hitting him while screaming her rejections.
"Yes I-" he began to protest, but Lily cut him off.
"You don't even know what love is," she said derisively.
His face turned serious then, his eyes hard as he locked gazes with her. His stare was intense, but, being the stubborn Gryffindor girl she was, Lily held his gaze unwaveringly.
"Love," he began, "is how I'm constantly thinking of you when I'm alone. It's when, everytime Moony forces us to watch those chick-flicks, I imagine the main characters as you and me. It's when I see something sweet, and automatically my mind turns to you. It's how I can hardly look you in the eyes without my heart racing," he stepped closer to her, pulling her hand to his chest. His heart was, indeed, beating fast in his chest. "Love is when, even after taking away the feeling, the passion, the romance... I can't help but care for you anyway.
"It's not when you've found someone you can live with, but when you've found that person you just can't live without. It's when you find that other piece of your soul you never even knew you were missing. Love is giving someone the ability to hurt you, but trusting them not to. Love is everything. Like life itself, it never ends, and it is never the same. Love," he stepped so close that Lily could feel his breath on her face, "is what I feel for you."
Lily almost found herself lost in the heated gaze of James Potter, but she quickly shook herself out of it, replacing her flushed expression with a colder one. "I've had quite enough of you," she hissed. She stepped away from him, pulling her hands back roughly, and turned to head up to her dorm.
"Wait!" Potter called after her. She huffed, letting out an annoyed, "What?" Lily had already made it half-way up her staircase and didn't bother to look back at him. "I don't believe you."
Lily turned so fast at the accusing tone he had used that James didn't even know when she had moved, only that her back was to him one second, and the next, she was nearly right in front of him with an angry gleam in her eyes.
"What don't you believe, Potter?" she spat his name as if he were the foulest creature on earth.
"That you don't care about me," he answered softly. "Can you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't care?"
Lily braced herself at his pleading look, forcing an emotionless expression onto her face. She was right, she knew, and she would not let Potter's 'puppy dog face' get in the way of her proving so to him. "I don't care about you," she said firmly. "I feel nothing for you."
The Head Boy and Girl stared each other down for what felt like an eternity. Abruptly, James whirled away from her, headed back to his own dorm. Once he was out of sight, Lily allowed the indifferent look to fall from her eyes, feeling an inexplicable pain in her chest.
All she had done was tell the truth, right? So, why did it hurt to watch James walk away from her?
The next day found the Head Girl sitting quietly at the end of the Gryffindor table, her best friend, Alice Pannett, poking her cheek to get her attention. Finally, Lily couldn't ignore the incessant poking and reached up, catching Alice's hand in hers before she could poke her again.
"Would you stop it!" she snapped, pushing the offending hand away.
"Then tell me why you're all gloomy all of a sudden." Alice pouted at her.
"Potter," Lily answered, the venom from the other day had vanished from her voice, leaving nothing but a blank statement.
"Oh," Alice said in understanding. "What'd he do this time?"
"He tried to convince me that he really was in love with me, and that I loved him back." She gave a half-hearted snort. "Ridiculous."
"I don't think so," Alice said after a brief moment of silence. Lily snapped her head in her direction, ready to protest, but Alice beat her to it, "I mean, it's not like it's impossible. You've never really given the guy a chance. I'm sure if you did, you'd find that there's something there. Of course, it's probably nothing close to what Frank and I have, but still. James has been chasing after you since fifth year. Obviously there's more between you guys than you'd care to admit- even to yourself."
"Now you're being ridiculous, Alice. There never is, and will never be anything between Potter and I. Can you imagine how that sounds? Lily Potter," she scrunched her nose in disgust. "Atrocious."
"Hey, I never said anything about getting married to him. I just think you should give him a chance."
"Not likely. Besides, you may not have said anything about marraige, but you sure were thinking it."
"Okay, you got me. But, even if you don't like your own name with Potter attached to the end, think about your dream child. Little Harry with pretty green eyes that takes after his mother. Personally, I think Harry Potter has a nice ring to it."
"Sure, and You-Know-Who's real name is something as simple as Tom."
"Fine, fine, I concede. Oh, are we still watching those muggle movies you brought?" Alice asked, grabbing a slice of toast and taking a bite.
"Yes. I finally figured out how to make the video player work. Took a lot of time and effort, but I managed."
"Great. See you tonight."
"See you," Lily said, gathering her things to head to DADA.
"You don't love me," she cried softly, turning her back to him. "I doubt you know what love truly is..."
"I know it's how I feel about you," he said gently, gathering her into his arms.
Lily backed away from the screen a bit, a little afraid. This movie was sounding an awful lot like her relationship with Potter. Expecially the scene on now- they used nearly the same words she and Potter had! But, as she watched the movie go on, she couldn't help but think of what would happen if she and Potter ended up like the main characters.
Could she and James really find that connection that they-
NO! Now she's doing exactly what James said he did to prove his love. She and James would never be like the couples in a romance movie... It just couldn't happen. Wait- when did she start referring to Potter as 'James'?
Lily forced her eyes back on the screen, she could hear Alice wiping tears from her own brown eyes, paying rapt attention to the movie. Alice let out a small, "Aww..." when the main male character took the girl's hand in his, kissing it gently. The girl then brought her other hand up, laying it slowly on his muscled chest. They looked deeply into each other's eyes, just gazing intensly. All in all, it was very sweet.
It reminded Lily of when James would always kiss her knuckles like that everyday since fifth year. It was also just like yesterday when James tried to show her how his heart would beat faster-
Movie, Lily, movie! she scolded herself.
As the movie continued, Lily was able to keep her mind off of James- for the most part. There were those times when certain things in the movie would remind her of him, but she tried hard to keep them at bay. However, she wasn't able to block the images completely. The only question was... Why did she keep thinking of him in the first place?
The week passed quickly, but somehow, still excrutiatingly slowly. It took her little more than five minutes for Lily to realize what was different.
James Potter never even looked her way.
Rumors had spread that James had finally moved on, and for some reason, the thought brought a painful clenching in her chest. She told herself she just missed having the attention, but deep down she knew that it was more than that.
Besides leaving Lily alone, James seemed the same as always. He was still cocky and arrogant, the Marauders never stopped their pranking, and he still ate like a complete pig. It was like nothing had happened at all. So, Lily mused, she was right after all. James Potter didn't love her. If he did, he wouldn't have gotten over her so quickly. She ignored the pain in her chest again, trying to convince herself to be happy, or smug. She was right, after all. She had said that what Potter kept spouting about love was a bunch of crap, and here was the evidence.
Sadly, no matter how much she lied to herself and denied the feelings, she knew that she missed that arrogant toe-rag. She missed James Potter.
It had been nearly a month since Lily had last seen James, yet the pain never dulled. Sometimes, she could pretend that it wasn't there, but then even the smallest of things would remind her of James, and it would come back full-force.
During this time, Lily would find herself becoming more and more depressed. She felt so...empty. Like she was missing a part of herself she never knew she had. But, being Lily Potter, Head Girl and proud Gryffindor, she held her head high and acted like everything was normal.
But nothing was normal anymore.
Lily made sure she acted like she did before that whole mess with Potter- like she wasn't fazed at all. She got the recommended amount of hours of sleep, she never let her grades drop, she made sure to hang out with all of her friends like before, she even endured the Prefect meetings with a convincing smile on her face. Surprisingly, the meetings were actually the easiest days for her to go through. At least here, James had to talk to her. However, he never really talked to her directly- or he just didn't look at her while he spoke. But, somehow, just being near him and hearing his voice made her feel so much better.
It was the only time the hurt left, being replaced by a happy flutter.
The times of these flutters were few and far between, being that all prefect meetings were set for once a month, so Lily was surprised when it came sooner than expected.
It had actually only been two days since the last prefect meeting, and already Lily was hoping for the next one. Leaving the Ancient Runes classroom, she was shocked when her books went flying out of her hands. Cruel laughter reached her ears and she looked over at the source of the noise. She glared at the Seventh Year Slytherins, ignoring their jeers of, "Mudblood!" in favor of picking her things up. She knew she could have just used magic, but she wanted to makes sure they were gone. She made a mental note to take points of Slytherin later.
Lily reached for her Potions' book, only to find that another hand had beat her to it. Her eyes traced their way up the arm to see who was helping her. Her eyes widened when she recognized the blank face of James Potter. As their eyes met, Lily felt her heart flutter. When he handed her book to her, without saying a word, she felt the flutter quicken until she could practically hear it.
James stood, still not saying anything, and began to walk away. She didn't know what compelled her to do it, but her mouth opened as if it had a mind of its own.
"Wait, James!" she called out, watching hopefully as he turned back to her, face still carefully blank. "I-I..." she trailed off, not knowing what to say.
What should she say? What could she say? She was sorry? She didn't mean anything that she had said to him? That she loved him?
Her mind automatically brought up flashbacks of the last month. They flickered through her mind one at a time, and she felt the feelings again as if it were happening to her again. She felt the throb of pain, the longing, the sorrow- she relived it all.
It was silent in the empty corridor as Lily attempted to sort through her thoughts and James stood there quietly, waiting for her to speak again.
"I... I don't believe you," she said, unknowingly repeating the words James had said that night.
"What don't you believe, Evans?" he asked her, finally speaking to her without being forced, his voice shakey.
"That you've already moved on so soon," she answered so softly that James had to strain to hear it.
"I have moved on," he said firmly, but it almost sounded as if he were trying to convince himself more than her.
Lily mustered up all of her Gryffindor courage, walking closer to James and taking his hand in hers. "Can you honestly look me in the eyes," she began, this time completely aware of what she was saying, "and tell me that you don't care?" He didn't respond, only continued to stare at her, conflict in his eyes. "I care about you, Potter. No. I love you...James."
"Do you even know what love is?" he asked her seriously after a short pause, his eyes intense. This close to him, Lily noticed the slight shadows under his eyes, the sad look hidden in their depths.
Obviously she wasn't the only one feeling the pain.
"Love is," she recalled his discription- how it had come from his heart, was just honest and true, "how I was constantly thinking of you while you were gone. It's how I couldn't go through that stupid romance movie without you invading my thoughts. It's when you turned your back on me, my heart ached as if a piece of it was missing. Love is how Prefect meetings became the highlight of my day- my month, all because it was the only time I would get to hear your voice. It's how whenever I look into your eyes, my heart hammers so loudly I'm almost certain the whole castle can hear it. Love is," she paused, struggling for words. Suddenly, she thought of what James had said and echoed, "It's what I feel for you... Love is what I have always felt, but was just too stubborn to admit it. To you... To myself."
Lily looked down after her speech, afraid to look him in the eyes. She was ashamed. Ashamed that she continued to lie to herself, and only ended up hurting not only her, but James as well.
"Good answer," came James' usual cocky voice, shocking Lily out of her thoughts. She looked up at him, and, seeing a small smile on his lips, began smiling back.
"It was, wasn't it?" she asked cheekily, wondering where the sudden confidence had come from.
Merlin, Potter was rubbing off on her already.
"But not as good as mine was," he stated arrogantly, puffing out his chest in pride. She huffed haughtily.
"Oh, please. Yours was extremely corny and cliche. It sounded like you stole right from one of those sappy 'chick-flicks' you and your lot watch! Mine, on the other hand, came straight from the heart based on true experience. You couldn't possibly top that," she grinned at him, to which he returned readily.
"Does that mean you're giving me a chance?" James asked her suddenly, almost urgently.
"Perhaps," she muttered, cocking her head to the side. "I mean, it couldn't hurt." She smiled brightly. "Yes, I'm giving you a chance."
James didn't reply, opting to instead pull her closer. He smiled at her, relieved when she didn't pull away from him but snuggled closer into his side. Lily's smile din't leave her face, and that ache had disappeared the second James had smiled back at her.
She knew that, allowing herself to fall for one of the biggest playboys at Hogwarts was an almost guaranteed broken heart, but, as James said, she trusted him enough not to hurt her. She had faith that he wouldn't. Because he was James Potter, and he loved her. And, surprisingly, the feeling was mutual.
Suddenly, 'Lily Potter' didn't seem so bad.
AN: And, done. I hope you like it. Tell me what you think.