Ryan Reynolds came home from a long day at work to find Deadpool on his couch, laying on his stomach and drawing on a notepad. His legs were in the air, kicking slowly as he doodled.
"You follow me around all day and I can't even get away from you here?" Ryan asked. "How did you get in?"
Deadpool looked up from his drawing. "Figure it out, Jack."
"You know my name, jerk." Ryan said. "You need to leave."
"Can't."
"Why not?" Ryan asked.
"Don't want to." Deadpool went back to drawing, humming to himself.
Ryan opened the fridge, finding it almost empty, except for his collection of artisan mustards. "Did you drink all of my beer?"
"No. Yes. Maybe. I dunno."
Ryan came back in the living room and sat across from Deadpool on an "artistic" metal chair his ex had bought 5 years ago. If it was so great she would have taken it with her when she left, but it was "artistically" uncomfortable. He'd never gotten around to throwing it out.
Of course the merc had the only comfortable seat in the room. "What are you doing?" Ryan asked.
"Drawing a picture of my new girlfriend. She's really pretty. Want to see her?"
He held up the drawing. "Isn't she beautiful?" It was a cartoon drawing of Cthulhu, with cartoon hearts dripping blood over the creature's head, and also a few disturbingly anatomically correct heats, also dripping blood. One of the tentacles was wrapped around a cartoon heart.
"I read about her in a story," Deadpool said. "Well, part of a story. The beginning anyway, and some of the middle. I didn't get any further than that. TLDR, you know. She's sleeping in some city named Riley. It says she's dead – sort of, but our love can overcome that obstacle. There was a picture of her on the cover of the book. I'm going to get her to sign the book for me. This is what she looked like on the cover, or better than that."
Deadpool sighed and kissed the picture gently. "She could be a model."
"It's R'lyeh, and Cthulhu is male."
Deadpool tapped his pencil on his chin. "Hmmm... don't care."
"You're insane," Ryan said.
"Your mom didn't mind."
"What?"
"Sorry, meant your dad. Both of them actually. It was a wild night."
Ryan decided to leave, to take a walk and clear his head. Deadpool could find his way in, so he could find his way out. He didn't count on Deadpool following him, but the idiot stayed right behind him.
"Will you come to the wedding?" Deadpool asked. He couldn't walk like a normal man. He seemed to have too much energy, bouncing around and running backwards.
"You might want to read the end of the story before you start picking out china patterns for the wedding." Ryan said.
"You're just jealous because he's my girlfriend, or will be, once I wake him up."
"Sure. I'm jealous. Why don't you find him on Google maps? I'll save the date."
"Ooh, look," Deadpool said. "A Starbucks. Let's get coffee. I'm going to tell them my name is Captain Wonderballs and see if they'll write that on a cup."
"You don't need caffeine," Ryan said. "You need a tranquilizer."
"Says you, Cornelius. I'm a chill guy. It's why the ladies love me."
Ryan groaned. "Why are you following me?"
"You need to make more movies about me. The last one was good, but how could you leave out Captain Canada? That fucker is gorgeous. And Zombie Deadpool Head? I love Zombie Deadpool Head. The fans would love zombie head tetherball. Sure, you'll lose a few to bites, but it will be worth the footage."
"We couldn't fit everything in "Ryan said.
"Well, you did get a lot of chikawawa in there, so I guess I'll forgive you. Next time, get the studio to put Wolverine in there. I really want to fight Wolverine."
"Too expensive."
"Hugh Jackman is expensive. Get the real guy. Wolverine will work for dog biscuits."
"Wolverine isn't real," Ryan said.
"I think he's a phony too," Deadpool said, "with the growling and all that. He's so phony, not real at all. Such a jerk."
"No, I mean... Ah, what's the use?"
"What's wrong?" Deadpool asked. "Are you angry? Did I hurt your little feelings special snowflake?"
"Shut up."
"So are you going to come with me to find Riley?"
"No. Stop talking."
"Your mother doesn't mind when I..."
Ryan pushed him in front of a bus and continued on, blissfully Deadpool free, but only for a few minutes. As he turned to head back home he saw Deadpool leaning against a post and shaking his head.
"That was not friendly. I'm writing mean things about you in my journal later."
"Fuck off, Deadpool."
"I will, once you promise to help me find Cthulhu. We're leaving the Shire Ryan!" He put an arm around Ryan's shoulder and looked toward the horizon, lifting his arm and pointing in a dramatic gesture.
"Just picture it. You, me, and our little dog Toto. We'll free Cthulhu and ride ponies. It'll be awesome!" Deadpool squealed. "We could be Bronies!"
Ryan pulled Deadpool's hand off his shoulder. "No, no, and a million times no. Cthulhu isn't even real."
"Take it back!"Deadpool yelled. "You want her for yourself, you slut."
"He's a fictional character, dumbass," Ryan said.
Deadpool punched him in the stomach. "Was that fictional?" He danced around with his fists in a traditional 19th century boxing stance.
Ryan punched him squarely in the jaw.
Deadpool kicked Ryan in the nuts. "How do you like them apples?"
A mother and son stopped at the odd sight in front of them. As Ryan hit himself in the testicles and fell to his knees holding his crotch and yelling in pain, the boy looked from Ryan to his mother.
"Mommy, why did that man just punch himself in the no-no's?"
"Just keep walking, honey."
Ryan made it home without further incident. Deadpool wandered off after their fight, something for which Ryan was eternally grateful.
Laundry used to be a boring chore, but now that Deadpool had come into his life Ryan found the simple fact that Deadpool hadn't followed him to the Laundromat a vacation.
As he loaded his clothes into the dryer he tried to decide how to get rid of his unwanted roommate. Eviction notice? Like that would stop him, he thought.
Bomb the place while Deadpool was inside? No. Too Wiley Coyote.
He closed the dryer door and started the machine. He saw Deadpool in the reflection of the dryer's door. Deadpool waved at him cheerfully.
Ryan groaned. "Can't you just go away?"
"Sure, once you agree to help me find Cthulhu."
"Ok. If you find out where he is I'll go with you to find Cthulhu, but it isn't going to happen, because he's fictional."
Ryan stepped back, watching for another attack, but Deadpool settled for flipping him off and sitting on top of a washer nearby.
After Ryan pulled out his laundry he turned around. Deadpool was gone.
I thought he'd never leave.
He noticed a black Speedo and grimaced. Great. He's even putting his dirty laundry in with mine. I have got to get rid of him.
Deadpool wasn't waiting for him at the apartment, but he had left a note attached to the door with a knife which stuck through the door completely. After a struggle with it, Ryan pulled out the K-bar. There goes my deposit, he thought.
He threw the note on the coffee table without reading it, and then he spent the rest of the day nursing a headache while Dr. Jack Daniels assisted him.
When Ryan woke on his couch the next morning, sans Deadpool, he had a brief moment of hope. That lasted only as long as it took for his eyes to fall on the note on the table.
He picked it up with a sense of foreboding. He didn't want to read it, but he was probably involved, and he should know how.
He unfolded it and spread it on the table, pressing the edges of the cuts together where Deadpool had fixed it to the door with his K-Bar.
"Dear Shithead,
Gone to find tentacle love. Fuck you. Lunch is in the fridge. Love Deadpool."
Ryan felt as if an enormous weight left him. He went to work, writing a new script that had nothing to do with superheroes or mad anti-heroes. Or ants. Fuck ants.
For two blessed days his life was his own again, but he felt more tired than he ever had, almost as if he wasn't sleeping at night.
The third day he woke suddenly in a small, dark room that smelled horrible. As he shifted and felt bags under him he realized he was laying on trash, and he that he was in a dumpster.
He sat up and pulled something slimy out of his hair. He was about to climb out when Deadpool stopped him.
"I found Cthulhu," Deadpool whispered. He opened the top of the dumpster enough for them to climb out, and they made a circuitous path around buildings until they were across the street from the building, hiding in an alley's dark shadows.
"It's her temple," Deadpool whispered.
"His," Ryan corrected automatically. "That's not a temple. It's a comic book store." A large, human sized statue of Cthulhu eating Hello Kitty stood by the door. Ryan liked the statue.
"That's what they want you to think," Deadpool said. He tapped the side of his head. "I know what they're up to. See that guy smoking by the door? Look at that face and tell me he's completely human."
Deadpool was pointing at a sickly ginger kid with acne. He looked about 17, and he was obviously anorexic.
"He does have the Innsmouth look about him," Ryan said. He shook his head. "What am I saying? It's a damn comic book store, Deadpool! Quit trying to pull me into your insanity."
Deadpool snorted back a burst of laughter. "Too late for that, Tyler. Way too late."
The boy snuffed his cigarette out on the pavement and went back inside.
"I think that's the high priest," Deadpool said. "The others go in and give him offerings. He puts them in the offering box." Deadpool pulled an old fashioned naval telescope out of his costume and looked at the "temple".
"I know you've been in a store before," Ryan said. "That's a clerk, and he's taking money from nerds for comic books and putting it in a cash register."
"Wake up Sheeple," Deadpool said. "I know what's happening in front of me."
An idea came to Ryan. Not the best idea, because nothing that involves Deadpool and the public in the same small store could be a good idea, but it would have to do. The last thing he needed was Deadpool interrogating a "priest" about the whereabouts of Cthulhu.
"We should go in there," Ryan said. "I've been in these types of stores before."
Deadpool snickered. "Nerd."
"Whatever tentacle lover. These places always have an...um...rare and prohibited book section. We should be able to find Cthulhu's city in one.
"Sounds good, Tyler."
"Tyler?"
Deadpool gave an exaggerated, dramatic sigh. "Never mind, Captain Oblivious. Let's do this."
"Let me do the talking," Ryan said. "I know these types of people."
"You know Cthulhu's priests?" Deadpool asked, awestruck.
"Sure, why not?"
"You said he wasn't real."
Ryan thought quickly. "I had to say that. You were uninitiated. Now that you figured out what the temple is I can tell you. I don't know where Cthulhu sleeps. None of us do. I can get into a lot of trouble for this, but I know which forbidden tomes to look for."
"Why are you doing this?" Deadpool asked.
Ryan patted him on the shoulder in a friendly way. "Who am I to stand between you and true love?"
Ryan was understandably on edge. Deadpool in public was dangerous. Deadpool on a delusional mission was an explosion waiting to happen.
The bored looking clerk barely glanced up from his comic. "Welcome to Eldritch Comics," he said in a voice that said how few fucks he had to give, "where all your nightmares come true."
"Where is the Cthulhu section?" Ryan asked.
"Back corner," he guy said, pointing while reading the comic. "Have fun, but don't steal anything. You're on camera."
Deadpool leaned over the counter, reading the guy's Superman comic.
"Pshh," Deadpool said. "Easiest superhero to defeat ever. One little rock will mess him up."
The neckbeard at the counter didn't even acknowledge Deadpool's challenge.
"Leave him alone and come on," Ryan said.
Neckbeard looked up and around. "What?"
"Not you," Ryan said. "I was talking to my, um, friend."
"Uh huh," the clerk said. "Tell your...um...friend to keep it down."
As Ryan walked away he heard the clerk mutter, "freak."
Ryan found the book he was looking for almost immediately." Call of Cthulhu".
"You own this one," Deadpool said.
"But you only read the beginning. It tells where he is at the end."
"You said you didn't know," Deadpool said.
"That was a test of your determination, and you passed. Now you can learn the truth."
Ryan flipped to the end and handed the book to Deadpool.
"Green, sticky spawn of the stars," Deadpool read. "Flabby claws and awful squid head with writhing feelers."
Deadpool stopped and looked at the cover of the book. On the cover Cthulhu was portrayed as majestic and powerful.
"Slushy nastiness?" Deadpool read. "The profile pic doesn't match real life."
"But this is true love!" Ryan said. "Of course, since the city sank we'll have to get a submarine, and since I can't pilot one because of my claustrophobia you'll have to go to school for a long time to be a submarine captain."
Deadpool looked at the book, then at Ryan, and then back at the book again. He shoved the book in Ryan's hands.
"Eh, fuck it," he said, and he began browsing the Batman comics. "Poison Ivy is hot," he said. "We should track her down."
The neckbeard wondered why Ryan ran out the door screaming.