A/N: Thanks to everyone following this Series though I do think this story also works as a stand alone piece. I've loved reading your comments. A huge thanks to Alf, Haleigh.l, Bluzie, and Boy-o for editing and support! I was going for something a little different here…hope it works.
xx not mine, not making any money xx
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Drop Dead, Fred
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Chapter One
Dear Fred,
Drop dead.
Dear Fred,
I hate you.
Dear Fred,
…
Dear Fred,
I'm just going to say right off the top that I'm writing this under duress. Personally, I think that this is a load of crap but I did promise Ranger I'd give it a try. I hate disappointing him.
My therapist thinks writing in this diary is a good way to get things off my chest. Seriously, does it look like I'm hiding anything down there? She thinks I keep my feelings bottled up…I think she should spend the extra seventy bucks and get her hair dyed professionally. We all have our little crosses to bear.
Sooo…um…how about those Phillies?
Dear Fred,
You're probably wondering why I call you Fred. Hmmm, well I guess the easy answer is I thought you looked like a Fred. I have nicknames for lots of my things. Take my car, for instance. I go through cars faster than Lester goes through single women in the Tri-State area. My current mode of transportation is a Ford Focus that I like to affectionately call 'That Worthless Piece of Shit'.
Dear Fred,
My therapist said the the theory behind this is that I'm supposed to have "the freedom to express myself in writing, without fear of recrimination." Humph, just so you know I'm doing a really great Burg eye roll here that's being totally wasted on you...
This is dumb. I still hate you.
Dear Fred,
This is the song that never ends,
Yes it goes on and on my friends,
Some people started singing not knowing what it was
And they'll continue singing it forever just because
This is the song that never ends…
Feel free to join in if you know the words.
Did you know my second grade teacher, Mrs. Crocker, told me I sing like a frog? I told her it was better than looking like a gorilla. She had lots of body hair. I ended up with a detention from the principal and was grounded for two weeks. Grandma Mazur took me to the zoo after that. She said she wanted to visit Mrs. Crocker's relatives in the Ape Display. Then we went to the ice cream parlour and ate the biggest sundaes they had.
Did I tell you that I love my Grandma?
Dear Fred,
I went shopping today. I bought Oreos. And laundry soap. Maybe next time I'll take a list. So, I'm wondering…how can a laundry detergent be both 'new' and 'improved'?
Daytime television sucks. I want to go back to work. I miss…the guys. Ranger said I needed to take some time off but I just want to be busy and forget…everything.
Dear Fred,
Oh my God! At the gala, David said he still loved Nikki and she said his lies destroyed their relationship and then they toasted their failed marriage and then she drank her ginger ale but David put some kind of drug in it and Nikki passed out.
Cane doesn't believe that Chloe is pregnant and Lily is pissed and said that Chloe can't break up her and Cane. Nick tried to get Sharon to help him go against Jack for the good of their cosmetic company but she refused.
Oh, and Michael got this call while he was dancing with Lauren at the gala and he told Victor—all secret like—that the 'package' had arrived so they rush out and left their wives thinking WTF.
Dear Fred,
My therapist thinks that I shouldn't watch daytime soaps anymore. She said it's not good for my mental wellbeing. Damn Ranger and his big mouth. So, I had a minor setback. Is it my fault that those bloody T.V. Executives decided to pre-empt my show for some stupid sports thing.
I really don't see what the big deal was…it's not like I didn't need a new T.V. anyway and when I threw it over the fire escape I totally missed Mr. Letcher's car by a good foot…at least. Give or take. Well, the point IS that no one was hurt.
Dear Fred,
My therapist keeps mentioning my mental wellbeing and stressing the word 'mental'. I don't think she likes me very much. I think she got her degree from an online university in Taiwan and her boobs from a plastic surgeon…her nose too. It probably didn't help our patient/doctor relationship much that I let those little tidbits of information slip into today's session.
I read somewhere that 'the' is the most common word used in the English language. I thought I would do a little experiment so I counted how many times it was used in this book I was reading. Did you know the library doesn't like people using pink highlighter in their books? Not even for scientific research. Maybe books should come with warning labels…sheesh!
Dear Fred,
I missed my session today but it was sooo not my fault. Not really. I had five items I was watching on eBay and the auctions were closing. Everyone knows that most of the action goes down in the last thirty seconds and the fastest typist wins. The rush from winning is almost as good as sex. Almost. And since I'm not getting any sex I needed that rush, damn it!
Ranger stopped by my apartment just before the last auction was ending. He said my therapist called him when I didn't show up for my session today. He wanted to know why someone would need to buy five Magic Bullet blenders. I told him I was Christmas shopping…er…in July. Hey, you don't want these things to sneak up on you.
I promised him I wouldn't go on eBay anymore and he promised to take me shoe shopping…I can live with that.
Dear Fred,
I'm bored. My therapist said it would be good for me to get out and get some exercise so I decided to go for a walk today.
I miss Bob. Walking's no fun alone.
I know what you're going to say and I'll admit that this wasn't one of my brightest ideas. But Rex had these adorable big, black eyes and I started thinking that if I felt cooped up after only being home for one week, imagine how poor Rex must feel stuck in his cage for his whole life.
No, I'm not totally crazy…I'm a very responsible hamster mommy, I'll have you know. I got the shoe laces from all of my sneakers and made this cute little harness and leash for him.
At first the walk wasn't so bad. I showed Rex all around the neighbourhood. We just ignored the people staring and I pretended I didn't hear kids laughing and pointing at us. Rex is very sensitive.
Things took a turn for the worse though when we reached Jefferson Street and Rex managed to wiggle out of his harness. I blame the car pile-up on State bureaucrats at the Department of Transportation who don't do their jobs properly. Before they hand out driving licenses they should be testing people on defense driving skills. You never know when an animal on the loose being chased by its owner might dart out in the middle of a busy intersection.
My therapist thinks it might be safer if I got a hobby instead.
Dear Fred,
I've been thinking a lot about Bob lately and wondered if he missed me too. It must get lonely at 'that other place that he lives when he's not living with me'.
I bought Bob a present today and asked Carl to give it to him for me. Did you know they make movies for dogs to watch? See you're supposed to play the DVD when you're going out so your dog won't get lonely. I had a hard time deciding which DVD to get and finally went with a sure fire winner..."Squirrels Gone Wild". Huh, who knew they made porn for dogs.
Sooo, you're probably wondering how the hobby search went today…Well the good news is that I didn't get arrested. The bad news is that I'm not allowed within fifty feet of the Bonanza Bingo Palace. Damn, those old people take their Bingo seriously!
Dear Fred,
Mooner came over today. He's teaching me how to juggle. He said I'm a natural because Vulcans have good balance and I must have been a High Priestess who was separated from her Vulcan parents at birth and given to an Earth family to raise. He thinks my ears have been altered to hide my true identify and he showed me this cool Vulcan universal greeting with my hand. Mooner's good at making me smile.
I started off juggling with oranges but he said if I kept practising I would be able to move up to more interesting items. I wonder what Mooner considers interesting? I decided I could probably live without that knowledge.
Dear Fred,
Mom said she was too busy to teach me knitting after all…hehe.
She bugged me all week to come over so I could learn how to knit. I finally ran out of excuses so I dropped by this morning. I decided to knit a scarf for Ranger.
For some reason whenever my mom mentioned Joe, my job, my poor lifestyle choices or what the neighbours were saying about me I would get distracted and a knitting needle would accidentally stab her in the leg…hard. We didn't get very far in the lesson when my mom realized she needed to get something at the grocery store and had to leave immediately.
I stopped at Macy's on the way home to buy a scarf for Ranger instead.
Did you know they don't sell winter scarves in August? They had a really great sale on shoes though. It's the thought that counts, right?
Dear Fred,
I joined a Euchre Club in my building today. I saw a flyer in the laundry room so decided to give it a try. They meet every Monday afternoon. It was mostly fun as long as I wasn't partnered with Mr. Weidelmyer. He kept trying to get me to come to the Friday night sessions when they play Strip Euchre. I told him I'm busy Friday…indefinitely. I finally had to threaten him with my stun gun if he didn't stop playing footsie under the table and pretending he was just cheating.
Dear Fred,
I agreed with my therapist today that I wouldn't pursue any more hobbies that involved an open flame. Hey, it was a tiny kitchen mishap that could've happened to anyone. At least the Fire Department wasn't involved.
Mooner was disappointed when I called to tell him that I wouldn't be needing 'Mr. Babache's Juggling Flaming Pro Torch Set' after all. I told him he should probably cancel the order for 'Mr. Babache's Juggling Butcher Knife Set' as well. I think I'll stick with oranges.
Hey, Fred. Guess what?…I don't really hate you. Anymore.
Dear Fred,
What a skank! Ranger came with me to my session today to see if I was ready to go back to work. That slut of a therapist was all tarted up and spent the entire time coming on to him! I don't think she had more than two buttons done up on her shirt and if she touched his arm one more time, I was going to take her out, Burg style. It's not that I'm jealous. I'm not. Ranger and me, well we're just friends….we're good friends. It doesn't matter that Joe and I aren't together anymore…and NO I don't want to talk about Joe, so don't ask!
It's not that I don't want Ranger, but you have to understand, he doesn't do relationships. I try not to read more into it when he accidentally brushes up against me or when he takes me out for ice cream and he lets me lick his cone and his eyes go really black. Or when we drive to Point Pleasant and watch the sunset. And, oh God help me, when he wears those jeans. Damn, I need sugar…
Dear Fred,
Miss me? I noticed you didn't write to see if I was okay. I'm feeling like what we have here is a very one-sided conversation and believe me I know about one-sided conversations. Oh I get it, you're more of a listener than a talker right? That's okay, I can do enough talking for the both of us.
So the reason I was away is…um…my friends had to do a little 'intervention' as they called it, after my last therapist appointment. Apparently, Lula told me that she and Connie had dropped by to visit and when there was no answer, they called Ranger. He and the Merry Men rushed over and had to break down my door. Of course one of my nosy neighbours called the police, who called the Paramedics and the Fire Department. They found me on the bathroom floor passed out…said it was an overdose.
I've spent the last two days detoxing at Ranger's apartment. Everyone looks at me funny now like I'm on the edge and Ranger has people frisked before they are allowed to visit me. He's afraid they're bringing me illegal contraband.
I don't care what my mother says…this was so not my fault. There should be a warning on the packaging, like they have for cigarettes and prescription drugs. Who knew you could pass out from eating too many Tastykakes.
Hey the good news is, I'm staying with Ranger on the seventh floor now and I'm sleeping on his heavenly sheets. He got me a lap top to use so I can talk to you. Oh, and he got me a new therapist.
Dear Fred,
Tom asked about you today. He's my new therapist. I like Tom. Tom doesn't ogle Ranger's butt when he picks me up from my sessions. I don't think...
I told him about our 'talks'. He said that a diary could be a good friend but that I wouldn't get better unless I faced my problems head on.
Tom said he thought maybe hobbies weren't my 'thing' and that what I needed was to feel useful. We decided that I would go back to work on a part-time basis.
Dear Fred,
I started back at RangeMan today doing computer searches on the fifth floor. The guys were great and had flowers and sugar-free treats waiting for me at my desk this morning. I didn't get much work done because they kept coming up with lame excuses to drop by my cubicle. Did you know that Merry Men are great at giving hugs? Ranger said it was okay that I didn't get much work done today. He gives great hugs too.
I talked to Mom today. Sigh. Do you remember I told you about one-way conversations? I swear she didn't take a breath for the entire time we talked though I can't be sure…five minutes into her tirade I put the phone receiver on the table and took a shower. She was just winding down by the time I picked up the phone again. Yeah, it was probably one of our more meaningful conversations.
Ranger offered to send her on a one-way trip to a Third World Country. I told him that I had it covered. I sent a flyer for 'Friday Night Strip Euchre' to Grandma Mazur. Anonymously.
Dear Fred,
Tom talked a lot today about how some people used avoidance as a coping mechanism to deal with stressful or difficult situations. Tom's was wondering when I was going to tell you about Joe…
To be continued...
A/N Yes, there really is a DVD called "Squirrels Gone Wild". I bought it for my dogs a few years ago. Heavy on squirrel porn, light on plot.