Written out of a fit of anger.  ^_^ No, it's not an 'evil' fic.  I take a lot of liberties here with Kagome (she's more thoughtful, but chapter 176 proves she does think like this anyway), and also with the whole 'reincarnation' thing.  This is based on the manga.

Update as of December 27, 2001

I have just seen episode 48 of the anime.  -.-  This just sounds like a re-writing of Kagome's little speech to Inuyasha!  ;_;  The manga is less clear on this scene than the anime is, so when both the anime and I expanded on the idea, we came up with the same result.  I hope that's a good thing.  Anyway, the title is changed now because this is really just a little bit extra that the anime doesn't have.

You had to have read at least the translation for Manga Chapter 176… or seen up to anime episode 48.  Obviously, since I don't think that chapter is translated here in the U.S., you can read them here:

http://www.wot-club.org.uk/Inuyasha/

By the way, isn't chapter 244 just the sweetest?  I love the ending!

Update as of September 23, 2002

Wow, it's been more than an entire year since I've changed this.  ^_^  I suppose it's natural, then, that I'm editing it.  I didn't strictly re-write all of it, although I did cut out some completely useless blathering… and re-dressed a lot of the really bad paragraphs.  Adding some new flavor to some very jerky sentences – wow, this really needed a revamp o.O  The order and structure is still pretty much the same, though.

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha.  Nor do I own "Here Be Dragons," by Sharon Kay Penman.  I just borrowed the quote.  Thanks very much to her and my sister's fanfic (god, my sis pops up in all my fics, doesn't she) for writing her old SM fanfic that inspired me to use that particular quote.

~

A little while ago, my English class had a difficult assignment.  We were supposed to read an English book (in English, unfortunately), and then do an analysis – in English.  I didn't really have any time to do this – not with Inuyasha dragging me back to the Sengoku Jidai every few days (and sometimes, not even that).  Besides, my English is just horrible enough that when I try to write or speak in it, I come up with a warped Japenglish (as my friends put it) instead.  So I begged Jii-chan to plead to my-very-superstitious-sensei for a lighter assignment, and even though I'm sure she'd rather burn me, she did – most likely because of the demon that he'd swore that he had exorcised from behind her.  So instead, I was instructed to just read a book that she recommended me, along with a very loose summary (in English).  I was grateful, but not for long - she gave me one of the thickest books I've had to read in a long time, in any language.

Luckily enough, "Here Be Dragons," by Sharon Kay Penman, was interesting enough so that I didn't mind flipping constantly through my bilingual dictionary.  I couldn't put it down at some points, which resulted in me staying up late nights in the Sengoku Jidai, Inuyasha curiously watching over my shoulder as I read.  He asked once if it was another spell book, and I said it wasn't.  He must not have believed me, because then he speculated shredding it – out loud.  I think that he was begging for an 'osuwari' then.

And it was one of the normal moments we had, the ones where he and I could argue and laugh and blush.  So rare, but so lovely, and so precious.  It was after the time when Kikyou was talking to Inuyasha, and I saw them together, at the Goshinboku.  That horrible time, when my scowl froze, along with my entire body, except for my heart, which I think broke back into four pieces.  But it was even worse than that, because I didn't know that my body would freeze like that, that my heart would break like that – and because of all people, Inuyasha.  I didn't know that I loved him until he was 'gone'.

But is he really gone?   

I love Inuyasha.

Inuyasha cares for me.

Inuyasha loved Kikyou.  Cares for her, still.

He cares so much.  But not too much.

And Kikyou is filled with tulmulting emotions, hating Inuyasha and loving him.  Wanting to take him to hell with her.

I hate Kikyou for wanting to do that to him.  And yet I don't.

And despite this, Inuyasha is still devoted to her, still caring for her, still willing to give his life for her.

I don't think I'm stupid for loving him, nor for wanting to stay by him.  I told Inuyasha that although Kikyou and I are of the same soul, we are not the same person - but that our feelings are the same.  I want to see Inuyasha so much, that no matter how foolish he is, or how much he hurts my heart, I cannot help but want to see him.

"Mou ichido Inuyasha aitai..."

"I want to see Inuyasha again..."

From the depths of sadness, I thought this.

For what else could anyone ever say?  I can't wish that Kikyou never existed; something tells me that Inuyasha would never be who he is if not for her.  Would I still love him, today, if she hadn't been there?  I think, I hope, yes – but that doesn't make her love less strong.

She loved him.  Despite her powers weakening, despite her mission to protect a damned jewel, despite all her training and morals and her very life itself, she loved him.  Was she wrong, to love him so dearly?

Never.

For I cannot help loving him myself, my beloved Inuyasha.

She and I are one soul, trapped by his.

Let say that again - not trapped: simply that our soul cannot pass through life without meeting Inuyasha, without loving him...

Without loving him, Kikyou is not Kikyou, and I am not me.  I'm not Kikyou, and Kikyou isn't me, but our feelings are the same, just as one fourth of our soul is, too.

When free from jealousy and sadness, I remember what Inuyasha said: that he had to do this for Kikyou, because she died, and the dead do not have second chances - so he must make one for her.  Someone whispered, once – I don't remember whom, anymore - "She died full of hate... and all of her love was for nothing, because in the end she did not trust him, and instead hated him."  Because of this, she does not deserve him doing this for her; it would be better for me, and the world, if she simply passed on.

But Naraku said the truth, too, in that bitter monologue.  He said that she died needlessly, following after Inuyasha in vain.  Her heart hated him for what he had done, but could not damn him, either.  Instead of hatefully wishing that only she would live, she wished that she be taken away, burned with the Shikon no Tama, the cause of her inhumanity.  She took that with her to death.  And did not fall into Onigumo's trap.

Because despite it all, when she died, her heart loved him as much as she despised him.  Loved him too much to damn him, loved him too much to live without him.

Because if Kikyou's soul – me - had really not wanted to see him again, I doubt that she would've reincarnated.  I'm sure if she wanted, truly wanted, she would have gone straight to the afterlife after dying, where she might've had some type of peace - but she didn't. 

Because somehow, in someway, she wanted to see him again.

"Mou ichido Inuyasha aitai..."

"I want to see Inuyasha again..."

From the depths of death, she thought this.

Who is saying this?  Kikyou or me?

Our feelings, if not us, are the same.

I think, I think, I think.  I could be wrong.  I'm not Kikyou – she and I share a soul, but we're not the same.  So maybe I don't know, maybe she only wanted to be reincarnated to blast Inuyasha into hell.  Because maybe, maybe, once she was reincarnated, she didn't have any control over her soul anymore, because her soul was me, and I am Kagome, not Kikyou, and I control my own life, thanks very much.  Or I did, that is, up until the moment that I met Inuyasha, and the cycle began again, a never-ending circle that turns and turns and turns in the curve of the moon.

What is Kikyou really thinking, I wonder?

I know that Inuyasha wonders the same thing.

Later, much later, after I told Inuyasha I'd stay by his side, I remembered something.  My favorite quote from "Here Be Dragons," out of all the scenes and passages, is this one: "The human heart is not like a loaf of bread; if I give a large portion to him, it does not follow that I must then give you a smaller slice."  Joanna says that.  I don't remember whom she's saying it to, or about what, but it really struck me, or my situation.  Our situation.

Kikyou's heart can love and hate the same person all at once.  So human, such an emotion of life.  I suppose that means she retains some piece of her humanity.  She's so clear about that, her emotions so strongly defined, but her intentions so murky.  And Inuyasha's heart?  Does he love Kikyou still, or does he love me now?  Or does he love us both, in our own ways? 

I don't think he doesn't care for me.  But that does not mean he loves me, either.

His heart is human enough that he might love us both.

I don't want that.  Heaven forbid, I don't want that.

I want him to love me, and not Kikyou.

But neither can I ask him, beg him, forbid him to love another - and that is the main difference between Kikyou and I.  She wants him to be eternally devoted only to her; whether she says this of love or hate, I don't know, because for Kikyou, the line blurred a long, long time ago.  Maybe when Inuyasha called her name, and my soul left; or maybe before that, when Naraku took the jewel from her in Inuyasha's guise, and she realized that she had to murder the only one she loved.  I think that if I have to, by some horrible twist of hate, kill Inuyasha, I'll become just as twisted by grief and hatred as she was – is.  If this is really what Kikyou was like, the quiet miko whom Kaede sometimes speaks of so softly, so that we can't hear the regret, and the love in her voice.

It's not Kikyou's fault that she hates him for what Naraku did.  She knows the truth now, but the feelings are still too strong; she'll still hate him, just as much as she loves him.  She hates me, now, because I am where she wanted to be so badly - by Inuyasha's side, as the one who changes his heart, day-by-day.  It would have been her, and if I were not here, it would be - so she hates me.  And maybe I would hate her, too, if I was there and she was here.

I can't compete with Kikyou because she is dead.  I am alive.  That is the gist of it, a cruel unfairness that tears bitterly at her, as much as it does at me.  The dead cannot compete with the living, however they may try.  She holds Inuyasha's past in her hand, and we struggle over his present.  Because she is dead, Kikyou is a walking memory - I don't think she can change, no matter what she's told.  Her hatred is what moves her body, just as her love moves her forward.  Kikyou has no soul to be able change her life or personality, because she is dead - the finality of it is her greatest sorrow.  Yet, the memory that she is, that she is the epitome of, holds power over the one and only thing that Kikyou wants: Inuyasha.

I wonder if I'm wrong.

Kikyou would hate me even more if she knew what I was thinking about her.  How presumptuous of me to think that I, the living, could understand her grief and suffering.  And it is.

But we are of the same soul.  I think there must be something I can pick up.

It is my understanding of our same love that gives me the strength to return to Inuyasha's side.  To stay there, and to wait when he is at hers.  I will wait for him, stay by him, because I want to be with him no matter what.  I want him to live, with or without me (although I prefer the first).  I understand that he needs me, too, and so that even though he cannot be joyful, or love me, because of Kikyou, I'll be with him still.  As long as she walks this earth, he owes her dearly, for changing him and loving him.  And I love him, too, and that changes everything.  I think I understand that he has a debt to pay to her, one of love and duty.  And since there is no real measure of love or hate, it may be near forever until he is done, because that is what type of debt it is.  But I understand, just enough - for I can wait, because I am alive, and Kikyou can't, because she is dead.  I love him, but I'm human, and I'm alive, and I understand.  And Inuyasha needs that, I think; needs to know that I know that he cannot ask me to stay, out of kindness to me and sorrow to him.  So, I do so anyway. 

So until this is over, I will stay here, by Inuyasha's side.  I understand that he is not only mine, and because I love him, it gives me hope that he might stay with me, too, in the end.

I hope that I'm right. 

~

fin – December 10, 2001

~

Extensively revamped April 13, 2002.

Extensively revamped September 23, 2002.

"Mou ichido Inuyasha aitai…" is a quote straight from Kagome in Act 176… thanks to the wonderful site I listed in the beginning.

When I wrote this, I took the idea that if a person wants, they can reincarnate them self; if they really really don't want, I think it makes sense that they could stop it, and just go straight to 'the beyond'.  ^_^ I'm also not sure if Kagome really down-right hates Kikyou, because Kagome is a very emotional character that seems to take the words 'love' and 'hate' very strongly, so she would have to really despise the other person to hate.  Most likely, that line will be changed in the future, but I stuck it in for now because I felt that Kagome was getting out of character.  ::is not a fan of OOC-ness.::

Why did I write this?  Well, I was sick and tired of seeing all sorts of things [fanfics] that had lines like, "Inuyasha loved Kagome more than he ever had Kikyou..." because really - Inuyasha was madly, deeply in love with Kikyou, the way a teenager falls in love (which he was/is).  He loved her, and wanted to stay with her for the rest of his life.  Is love really measured in amounts?  Saying "more than" or "less than"?  I was getting a bit (…okay, well, a lot) annoyed.  In my opinion, the quote about bread from Joanna from "Here Be Dragons" (which I have not read, but the quote is pretty general) expresses my thoughts on it.  So, in a mini-rage, I wrote this when I really should have gone to bed.  Kikyou must be one of the most misunderstood characters in all the anime and manga I've read; I've never seen a character with such a tragic story that was so hated.  However, just because I like Kikyou, does not mean I want her to get together with Inuyasha.  Personally, I don't know what I want to happen to her, but I want her to have a [relatively] peaceful end and let Kagome live with Inuyasha forever in the Sengoku Jidai.  (Somehow, I can't imagine IY being very happy in the present time…)

For those of you who have actually read Here Be Dragons, you must be laughing.  So what if the book is typed in size eight font and is over fifteen hundred pages?  No big deal.  So Kagome probably wouldn't be doing that book as a book report.  I wouldn't, heavens no.  But that's not the point.  Even though I haven't read the book, I did like it because I got it from one of my sister's fanfics…

As of September 23, 2002:

Well, I've personally re-thought some of my thoughts on Kikyou since first writing this.  Just because the woman has a clay body doesn't bloody mean that she can't change (see, because changing is half the basis of "When Ice Burns", oops).  However, for the sake of posterity and because I really don't feel like re-writing such an essential part of this fic, it stays.