"Tonks, would you listen to me? Can you please, please just try and comprehend exactly what I am telling you-"
"I understand perfectly well, Remus," she said numbly, her back turned to me. Her uncharacteristic brown locks were cascading down her back in waves, almost mocking me. On any other woman the hair would have looked ravishing.
But on Nymphadora Tonks, my Tonks, it looked lifeless. This terrified me. Where was the pink-haired, spunky Auror I've come to care for so much? The girl who brought an exploding whirlwind of color into my otherwise grey existence? The one I've come to... I love her. There is no use in lying to myself any longer. I love her with my entire heart and then some. It is almost like sweet torture of the most excruciating kind. Because, you see, Tonks and I could never be.
She is too young, too whole. I would never allow myself to taint her.
"Why didn't you return my owl?" she asked softly, refusing to look at me.
"I have told you that I can't - WE cannot keep seeing each other. Not on anything less than a professional level. We can't, Tonks. I am too poor," I swallowed hard and begrudgingly continued, "I've not a galleon to my name. I am thirteen years older than you, for Merlin's sake! And what about the fact that I turn into a ravenous, blood-thirsty wolf every month? Have you forgotten about that? Do you honestly, for one moment, think that I could live with myself if I ever hurt you?" I asked heatedly. That may not've been the smartest move.
Because she suddenly whirled on her heels, rearing around to face me. Her hair blossomed into flames of the deepest scarlet and her eyes were practically glowing. She was shaking with barely concealed fury.
My god. She is beautiful when she's angry.
"Don't you dare patronize me, Remus. Don't. You. Dare. It's insulting." She snarled and I nearly flinched at her tone. "I am twenty-three years old. I don't need YOU deciding what and who isn't good for me, you great pillock! I'm a big girl, Lupin! Do you think that I haven't thought this through? US through? Because I bloody well have. Multiple times, in fact! And don't even pull that 'dangerous' shite on me. You potion yourself up to the eyeballs with Wolfsbane every month. You would never hurt me." She snapped, chest heaving subtly. And I was temporarily rendered speechless.
But the anger was slowly easing away and I could see a new emotion flicker across her features. Now she looked completely exhausted. "How could you say that to me? To forget everything? We, I mean... Is it me? Have I done something? I..." Her voice faltered and I could see how desperately she was fighting back tears. I have seen Tonks cry a total of zero times in all the months that I have known her. And according to Mad-Eye, it just doesn't happen.
Nymphadora Tonks doesn't cry.
Apparently she does, my thoughts supplied. And you're the cause of this. All of this. Look at the poor girl... What have you done to her, Remus?
With that I could stand it no longer and lunged for her, her eyes widening a fraction of an inch as I did so. I pulled Tonks to me and had her pinned to one of the walls of Number Twelve Grimmauld place within the next moment.
"Look at me," I commanded gently, but it was firm. When she would not comply, I carefully grasped her chin and forced her to meet my gaze. Her damnable doe eyes were so soft and uncertain. So vulnerable. I could literally stare into them forever and die a happy man. "You are perfect. Perfect, Tonks. Don't ever think otherwise. You are, by far, the loveliest thing I have ever come across in my life. You're..." I leaned closer, our foreheads touching. A heavy sigh escaped my lips. I was attempting to leave the only person who brings me nothing but happiness. Not an easy feat by any means.
I felt her arms wrapping around my torso, trying to hug me as best as she could given our position. This confused me. "Please..." her voice whimpered. Small and pleading. "Please. Don't let this end because you're scared, Remus. You can't run away from me. Hell, I'm scared too. Because I love you," my heart ceased beating and all irrational thought fell away, "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone."
She loves me.
"Please."
She loves me, my curse and all. My scars, my poverty, my sorry excuse of a self.
She loves me.
Please.
I said the only thing I could think of... Nothing. My heart acted of it's own accord. I took Tonks' breath-taking, heart-shaped face into my hands. I bent my head and I covered her lips with my own.
And had I been a lesser man, I very well might of fainted with the intensity of it.
We kissed. We gradually melted into one another and began the awkward dance of stumbling over each other and trying to move across the room. The backs of her legs hit my bed and we fell onto it, leaving me shy of crushing her. One of my hands slid into her hair of bubble-gum-pink. Wait, when did her hair change? I'd obviously been too preoccupied to notice.
"I love you." I murmured against her lips and she sighed in what was apparent relief. Perhaps there was a part of Tonks which feared my rejection? That thought her feeling of love wasn't reciprocated?
In many ways, I wish it wasn't. In the end... I do not see how I can bring her anything but harm. My mind tells me to leave. But my heart, my soul, refuses to allow anything other then to hold her in my arms.
I am a torn man.
But as my father told me long ago, love simply is. Sometimes without any explanation whatsoever. Sometimes it just happens and we are completely powerless to it in the best and worst of ways.
"I love you, Remus," Tonks whispered again, almost as if sensing my internal battle and dragging me down for another kiss.
So powerless.