The characters appearing this this story are property of Aka Cartoon and Cartoon Network. I neither own nor profit from them.
MillionEds
Ding-dong...
Ding-dong...
Ding-dong...
Ding-dong...
"I think once is enough, Ed."
"In your hat, Double-D." Ed giggled and kept ringing the Lemiere's doorbell.
"OKAY! ENOUGH ALREADY! SHEESH!" Eddy appeared at the side of the porch with a towel wrapped around his head. He just came from the shower.
"Hi Eddy!" Edd waved jovially, while Ed blinked.
"Eddy's head reminds me of the exploding cabbage heads of the Fire Pod monsters from 'I was an Alien War Bride; The Anniversary.'"
"Get over it, Lumpy. My hair's wet."
"I suppose that's why your door was locked," Edd piped up. "How come you're bathing at this time of day?"
"No reason. Just preparing for the press."
"Huh?"
"You're looking at Canada's next millionaire, Boys! My parents got a lottery ticket for tonight's drawing!"
Edd looked incredulous. "Eddy, do you have any idea of the odds against winning the Lottery? They're about twenty million to one. You have a greater chance of being struck by lightening."
"Then I'm already blessed, Double-D," Eddy flourished. "I got hit by lightening when I was a Rolf's, remember?"
"How could I forget?" Edd grimaced. "How is Lamp, anyway?"
"Happy as a clam. Care to join me for a little celebration?"
"Um, sure. Just don't be upset when you don't win."
"Whatever." Eddy motioned. "C'mon in."
"Holy cow!" Eddy spent all day decorating his room for the big event. On the far wall, snack trays brimmed with crackers, chips, cheeses, and Eddy's special Drop-Dead-Decadent-Change-for-a-Buck-Awesome-Possum Punch (which even Ed knew to avoid). "Boy, you really went all out, Eddy."
"Heh-heh. The cool millionaires are known for their parties, Double-D. I'm just getting a head start."
"I think you need a head-check."
"You're so droll."
"And he wears a sock on his head," Ed chimed in.
"And when I claim my cash, the first thing we're gonna' do is get you a chin, Ed. Maybe a brain if they're marked down."
"And potato chips! And Snappy, the Chunky Puffs Snap Dragon! And a new Slinky! And... and...a CHICKEN! Eddy! Can we get a chicken? C'mon! Please!? Let's get a chicken! I love chickens, Eddy!"
"Slow down, Frankenstein! I don't have the money, yet!"
"Hmph," Edd snorted.
"Humor me, Double-D. It won't be as humiliating when find out you're wrong."
Edd rolled his eyes. "Where is this supposed winning ticket, anyway?"
"It's in the cookie jar."
"Ugh! How unsanitary!"
"What are you talking about? It's where my mom stuffs all her receipts."
"That's irrational! Where do you keep your cookies, then?"
"In the breadbox."
"You can't keep cookies in a breadbox! Where do you keep your bread?!"
"In the fridge. Where else?"
"Bread in the refrigerator?!" Edd was ready to faint. "That's obscene! I shudder the think where your mother keeps other food items!"
"Don't have an aneurysm, Double-D. She's my mother, not yours."
"Thank Heaven for that."
"The feeling's mutual, trust me."
Eddy settled with his friends in front of the TV and switched it on while Ed dove into one of Eddy's bowls of chips. Edd licked his lips. "Are you going to share any of those?"
"Huff?" Ed's cheeks bulged with chips.
"Ed!" Eddy scowled. "Quit eatin' all the chips! They're for the party!"
"Party?" Ed's face lit up. "Can I dance with all your stuff again? Get on board the Ed Train!" Ed started dancing with the chip bowl. "Do you come here often?"
Edd got up and surveyed the crackers and cheeses. "You might as well share the food, Eddy. Millionaires can always afford more."
Eddy's face switched instantly from a frown to a sly smile. "So you admit it."
"Admit what?"
"You just said I'll be a millionaire! Don't deny it!"
"Fine." Edd bit into a cracker.
"Dish me some of those, will ya?"
Edd sighed and selected a paper plate. "Maybe you'll get a butler, too."
"Hey, Bean Dip! Be careful with that!"
Ed stopped dancing with Eddy's lava lamp. "What did I win?"
"A frontal lobotomy."
"Coooool."
"Ed," Edd handed Eddy a plate of crackers. "A lobotomy is a bad thing."
"Heh-heh! It would be if he had a brain!"
"Brainless! Hnuh-huh-huh!"
Eddy and Edd chuckled before Eddy got an idea. "Hey, Ed. What would you do if you were a millionaire?"
Ed dropped the things he cavorted with and stood blank-faced.
"Earth to Lumpy," Eddy prodded.
Ed continued staring blankly until he snapped-to and whirled himself at the other two Eds. With a somersault, he landed in Eddy's lap. Crackers spilled everywhere. "Tell me a story, Eddy!"
"Get off me! Augh!" Eddy struggled to shove Ed from his lap, but he only succeeded in making Ed think he was being tickled. "C'mon Ed! You weigh a ton!"
Edd raised a finger. "Um, may I interject?"
"What is it, Edd?"
"I believe Ed wants to hear what you'll do, first."
"Like the Three Little Pigs," Ed added.
"What would I do? Heh! That's easy!" Eddy patted the floor next to him.
"Get comfy, Sockhead."
"Curse my helpfulness."
"The first thing I'd do is buy the jawbreaker factory. Then I'd develop the coolest flavors you've ever heard of! There'd be Eddy-Berry Blasts, and Cool Mint Eddy-Ices, Lime Slimes and even cooler ones with gum and other stuff inside." The boys licked their chops imagining all of Eddy's new flavored orbs.
"Then, I'd build a huge vault for my favorite ones, and then," Eddy's eyes got wider. "Then, I'd build a giganticallimongus jawbreaker theme park and charge people twenty bucks admission!"
"Twenty dollars! That's absurd! Who'd pay twenty dollars to get into an amusement park?!"
"The same people who blow all that dough to get into Disney World! Twenty bucks is a bargain!"
"I still say that's too much."
"Tell ya' what, Edd," Eddy winked at him. "I'll let you in for fifteen."
Edd glared at him.
"Okay! Okay! Since you're a friend, ten bucks."
Edd crossed his arms. "Hmph."
"Cheapskate. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah... Then I'd buy a huge penthouse condo in Vegas. No! A casino! And I'd fill it with solid gold furniture and slot machines! And I'd have my own dancing girls! And Tom Jones and Barry White would play my living room, every night! Yeah!" Eddy practically started foaming at the mouth. "Of course I'd have to buy my own airline because I'll need to fly to my other place in the Bahamas. Heck! I'll just buy an island! Two Islands! One for me and one for my wife, Nazz!"
"Tsk-tsk." Edd shook his head. "What a waste. Not to mention delusional."
"Oh yeah?!" Eddy sneered. "Okay. Let's hear what YOU'D do, Mr. Bigshot. That'll be good."
"Fair enough. If I were a millionaire, I would start the Double-D Foundation and work with research labs all over the world to help stamp out diseases, world hunger and pollution."
"Yawn." Eddy rolled his eyes.
"May I continue? Then I would develop housing that allows mankind to coexist with nature without destroying more valuable habitat. After I win the Nobel Prize, I'll settle down and raise three bright and healthy children with my wife, Nazz."
Eddy's eyes flooded with tears as he struggle to hold back a gut-tearing guffaw. "AH-HA-HA-HA-HA!! Yeah right! You can't even look her in the face! HAHAHAHAHA!! How do you expect to make babies with somebody you can't be in the same room with?! HAHAHA! Oh wait! I can see it all, now! The Wedding Suite! On the bed: Nazz draped in satin. A glass of champagne at her lips. Breathless. Waiting.While you spend the night hiding in the bathroom! AH-HAHA-HAHAHAHAHAH!!"
"As if you're any better! You can't even talk to her! Oh, and lets not forget how suave you were the last time she babysat you!"
"Only because I had your help! Things would've gone fine if you didn't make me take a bath!"
"Well, I still say she isn't marrying you." Edd stuck his tongue out at Eddy.
"Dream on, Sockhead. She only babysat me because she can't get enough of me."
Edd sighed. "Denial is a powerful thing, isn't it, Eddy?"
"Oh sure. I'm only 'in denial' whenever you can't win an argument."
"Eddy's not in denial," Ed piped up. "He's right here." Eddy and Edd looked at him. "Okay, Browenstein. It's your turn. What would you do if you were a millionaire?"
"I would buy a rake."
The boys looked at him expectantly. Ed just smiled.
"Annnnnnnd?"
"And I would use it to build a house of escalators for Slinkie races!"
"What a guy."
"And then, you know what?"
Eddy looked bored and frustrated. "No. What?"
"And then, I would build a big rocket. No. A spaceship! And I would be a great Space Outlaw and pirate the Xerian Treasure Fleets from the Neo-Yellow Yulas! And then I would conquer the Robot Planet Bounty Hunters to avenge my ancestors!"
Edd and Eddy looked at each other blankly.
"Oh yeah... And I would send Sarah back to her native home on the Gorgon Planet."
Edd broke into a grin. "I kind of like that last part."
"Me too," Eddy chuckled. "I guess there's hope for you, yet. Wait, what about Nazz?"
"Huh?"
"Any plans for Nazz?"
"She can come, too."
The boys looked at him for a moment. "That's it?"
Ed blinked.
"The hottest girl we know can merely tag along?"
"Maybe this is a good thing," Edd nudged. "Less competition."
"Hey, yeah. Heh-heh!"
A bump for the weekly Lottery Draw flashed over the TV screen. Eddy shivered with excitement. "Two more minutes! I can already feel my pockets bulge with crisp new bills!"
"Are you sure it's money making them bulge? Your pants look a little tight."
"Pbthththt! Insult all you want. Anyone can see you're just jealous."
"Really Eddy," Edd crossed his arms. "Dream a little dream."
"You mean LIVE the dream, Double-D! Hahaha!" Eddy leapt from the floor and dashed to the kitchen to get his parents' Lotto ticket.
Edd turned to Ed. "I'd better get some tissue. He'll need it in a few minutes."
"Not to mention a Kleenex!"
Eddy bounded back in with the ticket and his father's old Polaroid. "Here, Ed," Eddy handed him the camera. "Snap a picture the second I win."
"Say gruesome, Eddy!"
"Not now, Goofus! I have to see the numbers!"
Ed wheeled around a snapped a picture of Edd returning with the Kleenex. "GAH! Bright!"
"Ed! Quit it! The draw's on!"
"Kodachrome! Hahahaha!" Ed snapped a picture of Eddy's bed.
"Agfa High-Grain! Stop a minute!"
"Camouflage." Ed crawled under Eddy's bed.
"SHUSH!" Eddy turned back to the TV.
After a quick intro and description of the cash prizes, the numbered balls dropped into the see-through machine. Beaters inside the acrylic ball box mixed the balls while forced air kept them bouncing around. Once everything was ready, a handle was pulled which forced several of the balls through a tube. When the balls stopped moving, the machine shut off and the announcer read the numbers from the balls trapped in the tube. Edd jotted each number down as it keyed onto the TV screen. A graphic signaled the end of the draw and the numbers flashed again before normal programming resumed. Eddy kissed the ticket, clutched it to his chest, and turned to Edd. "Lay it on me."
Edd looked at Eddy apprehensively. Then he pushed the Kleenex in front of Eddy before examining his notepad. "The numbers are 4, 13, 17, 25, 31 and 38."
Eddy carefully pulled the ticket from his chest and laid it on the notepad next to Edd's numbers. Edd's eyes gradually grew in shock while Eddy's grin grew to a smile a big enough to split from his head. "My word," Edd gasped. "They all match. You won!"
"YEAH BABY! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!" Eddy yanked Edd from the floor and danced him around the room. "RICHES! FAME! JAWBREAKERS! VEGAS! YEAH!"
"With a significant grant to the Double-D Foundation?"
"In your dreams!" Eddy laughed at Edd's disappointment. "Lighten up, Brainiac! I'm kidding!"
"Really? Oh, happy day!"
"Happy Escalator Slinky-House!" Ed showered them with confetti. "And a CHICKEN!"
"Hey Ed! How about that picture?"
"Oh yeah..." Ed pointed the camera at Edd and Eddy. "Cyclops!"
"CYCLOPS!" The camera snapped a victory picture.
"Your parents will be floored, Eddy! I'll bet they didn't even expect to win!"
"No doubt," Eddy poured his friends a round of soda. He tipped his glass to Edd. "They sure picked a dumb night to play Bunko."
"Maybe they wanted to keep their minds off of it."
"Maybe." Eddy searched his pockets. "Um, Edd?"
"Yes?"
"Do you have the ticket?"
"I thought you had it."
"Ho-boy!" Eddy leapt back in front of the TV and searched frantically.
"Where is it?"
"Is it on my notepad?"
"No!" Eddy flipped through all of the pages and started tearing them out.
"Let's not panic!" Edd tried to catch the notepad pages Eddy kept flinging into the air. "Let's not make a mess!"
Ed kept taking pictures as the boys scrambled around. "These are good! Hahaha!"
"Ed! Quit it! Help us find he ticket!"
A hand picked something from Eddy's shoulder. It was Edd. "What are you doing?"
"There's confetti all over you."
"Duh! Ed just threw it a minute ago! Keep looking!"
Edd examined the fragment of paper he picked from Eddy's shirt. "Um, Eddy?"
"What now?"
"Not to alarm you, but this confetti looks strikingly familiar."
"Whaddya' mean?"
Edd's face turned forlorn. He showed Eddy the piece of confetti. Printed on it was a portion of the number 31.
"Nooo." Eddy's face turned white. He looked at another shred of paper which also resembled a part of the ticket.
"No-No-No-NO-NO-NO-NOO-NOOOOO!"
Ed giggled while looking under a lampshade.
"AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!! ED!!"
The rush of frustration and anger raced through Eddy's body too quickly for him to process it. Homicidal rage built and then disintegrated when his brain blew a fuse. Catatonic, Eddy dropped to his rear on the floor and stared blankly at the pieces of paper scattered around him. "All that money."
"All that research," Edd lamented.
"All that polyester," Ed added jovially.
Eddy stared at Ed and twitched in disbelief.
-
Edd gingerly placed a hand on Eddy's shoulder. "Cheer up, Eddy."
"Why?" Eddy looked over his freshly cleaned room.
"Well, wouldn't your parents move to a nicer neighborhood if you were rich?"
"Yeah, so?"
"What's the guarantee you'd even stay in Peach Creek? You said yourself you wanted to move to Las Vegas. We can't move with you, obviously."
Eddy sat on his bed.
"I-I mean," Edd fumbled. "The grass may be greener, but what's more important? Money or friends?"
Eddy quietly thought for a moment. "Scams."
"Um, yes, I suppose scams could be..."
Eddy snapped to attention and clapped his hands of his friends' shoulders. "Get home and rest up, boys!" His eyes glinted. "Tomorrow's a brand new day for a brand new scam! The pigeons are ripe for the plucking! They'll never know what hit 'em!"
End.