I hate to disappoint you, but I don't own any GI Joe characters. Sorry. Here's a fun little fic showing how crazy things can get on New Year's Eve!
It's Fun Watching the Nuts on New Year's Eve
The Pit. The home of GI Joe, America's most feared and successful anti-terrorist unit. Some of the greatest soldiers in the world lived there. It was also the place of one of the wildest New Year's Eve parties ever in the history of the world.
"Okay who let that elephant in here?" Duke shouted. "And why is he painted purple?"
"Because they were out of the color pink!" Shipwreck called out from where he was.
"Shipwreck put some clothes on and get down from the chandelier!" Duke shouted.
"How did they even get a chandelier up there?" Beach Head asked.
"Who knows how these lunatics do anything? Will you people knock it off?" Duke shouted. "Why do I have to be the sober person at this party!"
"Uh Duke where did those generals come from?" Beach Head asked. "And why are they doing the conga?"
"Oh I invited 'em," Hawk staggered up to them carrying a glass of something green. "Hey did you know BA can make a drink from seaweed? It's pretty good!"
"Not to mention pretty potent," Duke sighed as he smelled it.
"Oh no," Beach Head sighed. "Those two are at it again!"
"Which ones?" Duke asked.
"For the last time!" Leatherneck shouted. "Rudolph's Shiny New Year was a cinematic masterpiece!"
"Are you nuts! It can't hold a candle against Frosty Returns!" Wet Suit snapped.
"Oh…" Duke rolled his eyes. "Those two."
"You want me to 'deck your halls'?" Leatherneck shouted.
"Try it and you'll be hearing silver bells from now until next New Years!" Wet suit shouted.
"You want this one?" Duke asked.
"Not really no," Beach Head grumbled. "But I'll do it anyway," He went over to stop the fight. Of course he ended up getting punched out.
As the surrounding Joes started placing bets on the fight Hawk and Duke watched the fiasco. "I do not believe this," Duke moaned.
"Neither do I," Hawk took another drink. "Everybody knows that Robbie the Reindeer in Hooves of Fire is the best."
"Wait a minute," Sci-Fi walked over. "Are you talking the original or the new American dubbed version?"
"The new version," Hawk said proudly.
"Are you nuts?" Sci-fi shouted.
"I like Jerry Stiller!" Hawk snapped. "His son's in it too!"
"That's blasphemy!" Sci-Fi snapped. "You can only appreciate the wonder of the cartoon in its original British voicetrack!"
"I can't even understand half the words they're saying in the original!" Hawk snapped.
"Can you understand my fist in you ear?" Sci-Fi slurred.
"Okay that's it Sci-Fi!" Duke shouted. "That is insubordin…"
"I don't care!" Hawk shoved Duke away. "I'm gonna teach this punk a lesson!"
"Bring it on old man!" Sci-Fi snapped.
"KNOCK IT OFF THE BOTH OF YOU!" Duke shouted. "NOW GO AND DRINK SOME COFFEE RIGHT NOW!"
"Man you are an ugly sober," Hawk sniffed.
"I am drinking coffee," Sci-Fi said proudly. "One of BA's Special Blends! With a little extra added into it!"
"Can I try some?" Hawk asked.
"Yeah!" Sci-Fi said loudly. Soon they were both singing 'Winter Wonderland'.
"I am out of here," Duke moved away. "Note to self: Next time let them kill each other!" He heard a commotion. "Now what's going on?"
"Sarge just challenged twenty guys to do a race outside!" Lady Jaye said excitedly.
"But it's snowing outside," Duke said. "Geeze I hope they dress warmly."
"Not exactly," Scarlet laughed as the men raced outside.
"Oh god I did not need to see that!" Duke covered his eyes. "I did not need to see that!"
"A Full Monty show just for us ladies!" Cover Girl shouted. "Grab your cameras and go!" The Joe women ran after them with cameras in tow.
"Oh yeah," Duke sighed. "Just a typical New Year's Bash here at the Pit. Complete with fistfights, conga lines, stupid challenges, nudity…"
"Should auld acquaintances be forgot! (Hic!)" Polly the parrot flapped by erratically.
"Drunken parrots…" Duke continued.
"PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN! OW! STOP HITTING ME!"
"Beach Head being used as a piñata…" Duke went on.
BOOM!
"Exploding tanks…" Duke looked out the window and saw several Joes trying to put out the fire. "I'm going to the control room for some peace and quiet! Those guys on guard duty better not be goofing off!"
He went in and saw Dial Tone and Mainframe covered with tinsel, singing. "It's New Year's Resolution Time, kiss another year good-bye! These New Years resolutions are just another pack of lies!"
"You are goofing off," Duke growled. "You morons! You're supposed to be on lookout in case Cobra attacks!"
"Aw lighten up Dukey…" Mainframe hiccuped. "If anything happens all we gotta do is push this little button here and…." He pushed a button.
"You moron! You just launched a missile!" Duke shouted.
"Oops," Mainframe blinked. "My bad…"
"Uh…which city did we just blow up?" Dial Tone asked.
"I dunno," Mainframe looked at the monitor. "Oh just some island in the middle of nowhere. Nobody will even notice."
"That's it! I give up!" Duke threw up his hand. "I'm getting plastered like the rest of you clowns! I can't take being sober around you lunatics anymore!"
***********************************************************************
"Will you idiots stop setting the decorations on fire and listen to me?" Mindbender screamed. "What if GI Joe launches a surprise attack?"
"Then we all go BOOM!" Buzzer laughed drunkenly.
"Oh I am getting another migraine!" Mindbender groaned. "Destro! Baroness! Stop making out on the control panel!"
"Oh let them have their fun," Zartan waved. He was carrying a camcorder. "I am."
"Let me guess," Mindbender scowled. "You're going to videotape everyone and then blackmail them. Am I right?"
"Bingo!" Zartan smiled. "Hell, I think after tonight I'll be able to put my kid through college!"
Meanwhile Cobra Commander was staggering along wearing some kind of tinsel on his shoulders and a party hat over his cowl.
"Should Old Aquariums be forgot…" Cobra Commander hiccuped. "Forgot…I forgot the words here!"
"Oh man this is priceless!" Zartan laughed as he filmed Cobra Commander trying to blow a noisemaker through his cowl. "I wonder how much money I can get from him after I show him this tape!"
"That's the problem with wearing a cowl," He grumbled. "You can't blow your blowtickler properly!" He took out his pistol. "Oh well, I'll just use this noisemaker!" He fired several shots into the air. "WHOOPIE!"
"OH MY GOD! ROAD PIG PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!" Mindbender screamed.
"I'm free!" Road Pig pranced around on the tables wearing nothing but a smile and some strategically placed mistletoe. "I'm free!"
"You're nuts! That's what you are!" Mindbender howled.
"Okay that is something I did not want to see," Zartan grumbled.
"This cannot get any worse," Mindbender grumbled.
"Hey do you hear something?" Zartan asked. "It sounds like some kind of missile…"
BOOOOMMM!
By some miracle all the Cobras managed to survive, even though their base was trashed. They didn't seem to mind, in fact several of them continued partying.
"Wow," Cobra Commander staggered. "That was loud. Hey who made all this mess?"
"That's it!" Mindbender grumbled. "I'm sending out my resume on the Internet first thing in the morning!"