" The Tragic Glutton"
This is the tale of the Tragic Glutton. Throughout this story, you may feel pity, confusion, and disgust, but these are normal, for the tale is fairly disgusting, sloppy, and weird. Let us start from the beginning, hm? HM?! Ok, that's what I thought.
Tragic Glutton (thus forth known as "Bill") had two parents, his mother was half-cow and his father was just plain ugly. On the day of his birth, his mother (thus forth known as "Half-cow") mooed like no utter (bad pun!), and as Bill was born, Half-cow proclaimed, " If this child is as ugly as you, father of this thing, I want a divorce!" Baby Bill, having heard this, decided that two parents together was better than two parents apart, and thus changed his hideous visage to a mask. Bill the Spirit had sacrificed his body so his parents could stay together (aw, how sweet!). And so, Bill, Half-cow, and Ugly Father went home. Five years later, Bill was sent to school.
In this horrendous society, spirits were treated like crap, or, more accurately, toilets. Very few spirits actually attended school in fear of being pooped on. You most often heard " Stop squirming! It's worse if you squirm!" or " Oh no! I must poop! Come here, Bill!" coming from the playground on warm, chocolate-had days. It's awful, really. After an episode like this, Bill was left on the ground, covered in excrement, softly crying. He vowed that he would be someone's pain-in-the-ass (except, it would've been "pain-in-the-patoo" because children aren't allowed to swear) friend who wants to please him or her all the time. Someday, he vowed.
Middle school was crap, and high school was shit, except of course, that Bill was the only No Face who could spin a good hair tie in Home-Ec. Finally, Bill was allowed to leave his hometown and find a friend of his very own.
He had heard of a bathhouse for the spirits from some psycho on the bus and went in hopes of finding a friend. But even there, spirits pooed on him (oh so mean!), all except a little girl named Chihiro (a.k.a. Sen) who let Bill in the bathhouse when no one else would. Bill managed to get in unnoticed and stole bath tokens for Sen. While Sen cleansed the River Spirit, Bill stood by, feeling higher than a kite and peachy keen because of his new friend. When Sen saved the spirit, it spewed gold, and Bill picked up one piece. Low and behold! He had the magical power to duplicate gold! Yay! He produced a handful of gold for Sen, but the ungrateful bitch declined. Heartbroken, Bill decided to eat a frog. After eating the frog, Bill wanted to take a bath and eat lots of food in exchange for the gold he could make.
Bill pigged out on all the food he was offered, gorgasming (gorging + orgasming = gorgasming) the entire time (now that's good food!), becoming the glutton, until Sen came running in. He wanted her…bad. But even in the spirit world, pedophiles are icky. So, instead of doing the unthinkable, he offered her gold, for which, she gave him a nasty little ball that tasted like rotting garbage, and it made him barf. A LOT. In fact, he barfed so much that he was no longer a glutton. He chased after Sen, feeling very much betrayed. Finally, she was in a boat, drifting away from him like every other aspect of his life. Using his thumb, he snapped her a hair band that he made.
" Wow! This is pretty! Where'd you learn to make these?" Sen called back from the boat.
" Home-Ec!" Bill called back.
Sen floated farther and farther away from him, and he realized how utterly alone he was. He decided that it was time to end his life, so he ended it by jumping into the water to his death. Where he died, a death of his very own. But not until after he landed on some train tracks and was run over by a train, and the conductor continually backed up and over him several times, just to be mean.
" What is the lesson?" You might ask. Well, the lesson is this: Never give up your body for your parents' marriage, it's doomed anyway, that way you don't get pooed on in elementary school, don't be nice to a girl named Chihiro, she's an ungrateful little wench, pedophiles are grody, gold-making doesn't mean you can eat a frog, gorgasming is kinda gross, don't eat the barfy-ball Chihiro gives you, you'll no longer be a glutton, never watch your only friend float away, that's sad, and a jump onto underwater train tracks with a train with a very vengeful and unsympathetic conductor who runs over you with his train multiple times can solve all of your depressing, totally-alone-in-the-world problems. Did you get all that?
So remember this sickening tale every time you even think about pooing on someone; they might just kill themselves.