It was her own fault, Anna thought grimly. Her own fault entirely.
She hadn't been able to help feeling a little smug as Jack slept away the first few weeks of his life and Nanny waxed lyrical about what an easy baby he was. Now, at five months old, she supposed she was being punished her for her pride.
She'd been desperate for their son to take after John – she'd fought long and hard to persuade him to name the baby after him - but awake every hour with impressive accuracy wasn't what she'd had in mind, she thought grumpily as she dragged herself into the sitting room one morning. John was sitting at the table, bouncing Jack on his knee as he held his toast out of reach.
"Anna - "
"Yes, I'm sure," Anna snapped. Immediately she felt awful. It wasn't his fault that Jack wouldn't settle at night for anyone other than her. At first it had pleased her – there's that pride again, Anna Bates – but she was beginning to wish he was a bit more fickle.
"Don't apologise" John interrupted when she opened her mouth to do just that. "Anyone can see you've been exhausted these past weeks."
Jack promptly abandoned his mission to steal his father's breakfast and reached out for her instead, beaming. The tears came unbidden from nowhere then, full of exhaustion and frustration and guilt.
"Oh, my darling."
John dropped his toast onto the table and shifted Jack to his other thigh, tugging on her wrist until she slipped onto his good knee.
"We'll hurt you." She mumbled.
"No you won't," he said, kissing her wet cheek. "I'm worried about you, Anna."
"John - "
"I know you want to keep working, but you're going to make yourself ill. Mrs. Hughes is already convinced you're going to drop dead in front of her. And you're so pale - "
"I don't want to stop," she cut him off. "And I know I need to slow down. I'm just so tired..."
As if on cue Jack squealed, grabbing at the air with tiny fists. She couldn't help but giggle at the delighted look on his face.
"Don't look so pleased, lad." John said with a wry smile. "This is your doing."
Despite her exhaustion, Anna felt her heart swell as she watched Jack flash his father a toothless grin and pull at the chain of his pocket watch. The soft lines around John's eyes had never melted her heart as much as they did when he looked at their son, so long-awaited for. So loved.
She ran a finger over Jack's downy hair. John caught her hand and pressed a kiss to her wrist.
"Maybe you should take some time off, at least" he said. "I'm sure Miss Baxter would be happy to help. Nobody could begrudge you it. You still work harder than most of them."
"Mrs. Hughes has been trying to get me to do that," Anna admitted, although she thought "trying" was an understatement. She found she had to reassure the housekeeper she was fine roughly once an hour. Usually she meant it. And she meant it when Miss. Baxter asked her, and Lady Mary. But it was a maxim that was becoming harder and harder to bear. Her bones wearied simply from pinning her hair up, never mind a full day's work at the house -
And just like that, the idea formed.
She booked an appointment for her next half day. John insisted she leave the baby with Nanny and use the time to rest and she'd agreed reluctantly, trying not to feel like a terrible mother as she slipped away to the village alone.
It was an extravagance she wasn't used to, and she felt quite out of place having someone pay such close scrutiny to her. Blonde hair rained onto the floor around them and Anna lost herself in memories; her husband's fingers wrapped in it, the way he would breathe in when she rose above him, holding it in his hands so he could kiss her -
"There you are, Mrs. Bates."
The brusque voice of the hairdresser made her jump slightly, and she took the little round mirror with some trepidation.
It felt strange, certainly. It would take some getting used to.
"Will it do?"
She found she rather liked it.
"Yes," she said with a smile. "It most certainly will."
Really, all things considered, it wasn't all that dramatic. Her hair fell around her jaw with the hint of a curl through it. She fancied it softened her features, made her look less tired.
But the clerk in the post office did a visible double take when he saw her. Then the grocer. Then the newsagent. By the time she was nearly back at the cottage she felt so uncomfortable she didn't want to see anyone else.
Especially John.
The breeze blew her hair around her cheeks, a constant reminder of what she'd done. They hadn't been...intimate since Jack arrived. Hardly surprising when she considered how much their lives had changed, but there was a nasty little voice in her head all the same. A ghost of the same voice that had plagued her years previously, had driven a wedge between them with shadows and misery.
He won't want you. Look at you.
The last time she'd felt like this was their first night in the cottage since Jack's birth. Her body had changed with pregnancy and she'd been overcome with a burst of self-consciousness, changing quickly before he could see her. It wasn't like her. He never mentioned it, but he must have noticed.
You're not the woman he fell in love with. You haven't been for years. Not since before...
It knotted in her mind, consuming her thoughts as she walked home.
The cottage door was unlocked, much to her surprise. She gave herself a cursory glance in the hallway mirror and had to stifle a giggle as she looked into the sitting room. John lay sprawled on the couch with Jack asleep on his chest, his snores mingling with their son's snuffling baby breaths.
Her family. A lump swelled in her throat. After everything they'd been through, here they were. She was so lucky. Anna wanted to gather them both to her chest and never let go, shower them with all the love she could.
As if he sensed her thoughts, Jack stirred slightly and whimpered. She scooped him out from under John's arm before he could hit his stride.
"Let's let poor Daddy sleep for a little bit, shall we?" She whispered, settling him on her hip. Jack screwed up his face in response and she stifled a laugh, but mercifully he didn't cry.
She drifted from room to room, mumbling to Jack all the while, taking off her hat, putting tea on, pointing out birds from the living room window. She didn't realise John was awake until she heard the hoarse voice behind her.
"My god, Anna."
She turned sharply. He was looking at her as though he'd never seen her truly before.
"You hate it, don't you?" She said. She'd attempted a joking tone, but there was a traitorous wobble to her voice.
"God no," He said immediately. "I just wasn't expecting it, that's all. You look…"
He trailed off. Under any other circumstances Anna would have been quite pleased at rendering her silver-tongued husband lost for words, but under his gaze she felt herself begin to crumble. She saw his eyes flick to her lip and clenched her jaw in a vain attempt to stop it from trembling.
"Do you hate it?"
She sighed, adjusting Jack on her hip.
"It's just...different." She said finally. "I knew it would be, but...oh I don't know," she said with a wobbly smile. "So much has changed."
"In a good way," he prompted.
"Yes but I've changed," she said, fighting to keep the lump in her throat from spilling over into her voice. "We've been through so much so quickly. I thought this would be easier to deal with in the moirning, but...I just worry that this is one change too far. I don't want anything between us to change. I don't want you to wake up one morning and wonder where the woman you married went."
She tailed off, quite out of breath, ducking her head slightly while she struggled to compose herself.
John blinked at her, and then pushed himself to his feet and crossed the room. Not once did his eyes leave hers. His hands settled on her waist and before she could react he pulled her to him for a bruising kiss. Instinctively the hand that wasn't holding Jack found its way to his cheek, fingers curling about the back of his neck.
She'd just opened her mouth to him with a sigh when Jack decided he'd had enough of being ignored and seized a fistful of her hair, pulling it triumphantly.
"That'll be a downside," John chuckled, untangling his son's fingers. Anna smiled weakly.
"As long as that's the only one."
"My darling," he said seriously. "I promise you this. No matter what changes in our lives, you will always be so, so beautiful to me. And I will love you more than life itself. However, whenever, wherever."
The memory made her smile.
"I just thought..." She faltered. "I thought maybe you wouldn't want me any more. In that way, I mean."
She felt herself flush. For a long moment John just stared at her.
"Come here a minute," he finally said. He took Jack from her, seized his cane and made his way up the stairs. Anna followed him curiously, watching as he gently pressed a kiss to the top of the baby's head and placed him in his crib.
"What are you – "
Before she could finish the question his mouth was on hers in a bruising kiss that swept her breath away. His hands swept from her waist to her hips to her face, threading through her hair and pulling her even closer to him.
Anna sank into him with a moan as he opened his mouth, clutching fistfuls of his shirt as her head began to spin. Seven years of marriage and he could still make her shiver with just a touch, a kiss.
When he released her, breathing heavily, she was glad she was still clinging to him. She let her forehead drop against the front of his shirt, the heavy rise and fall of his chest making her own heart beat faster.
"Christ, Anna," he said in a voice that made her insides drop to her knees. "The world would have to stop turning before I could ever stop wanting you."
One look at his eyes, dark and possessive and full of desire, smoothed hands over her fears.
Anna peered around him into the crib, where Jack had dropped off with his thumb in his mouth.
"You should go for a lie down," John murmured into the top of her head. "Take the chance while he's asleep."
"Believe me, Mr. Bates." She said, looking at him through her eyelashes as she left the nursery. "That's exactly what I'm going to do."
He caught up with her on the threshold of their bedroom, hands spanning her waist, trailing open-mouthed kisses down her neck. As she arched her back into him, feeling the rumble in his chest, she thought that as long as this never changed, she'd be happy no matter what came.