Blackadder: "War"
BLACKADDER THE FIFTH by Keith Lewis
"War"
Starring (Hypothetically) : Sir Edmund Blackadder, - Rowan Atkinson (Permanent Secretary for the Foreign Office)
Sir Hogmany Mellcett, - Steven Fry, (Prime Minister)
Timothy Darling, - Tim McInnery (Secretary to the Prime Minister)
Rt. Hon. George Prince - Hugh Laurie (Foreign Office Minister)
S. Baldrick, - Tony Robinson (Under, under, under, under, under, under Secretary)
SCENE I
(Blackadder's office. Blackadder is leafing through a cheque book while Baldrick stands at the filing cabinets half-way along, filing. This consists of taking out files, pulling a handful of papers out and eating them)
BLACKADDER(BA): God, I love working for the Civil Service. A few more years like this and I'll have to change my name to 'British Leyland' to avoid my bank getting suspicious... Baldrick, will you stop making that mess while you're filing!
BALDRICK(BK): I don't see why we can't buy a real shredder machine, if your so rich.
BA: If I did that Baldrick, you'd be back to eating the paper-clips, so shut up and get on with it.
BK: But why do you want me to eat all this paper? I thought you said the only reason we existed was to make paper?
BA: We do, you feted heap of diseases, but we also take every opportunity to destroy evidence, cover up crime and generally be more cunning than a vast number of weasels holding a convention on cunningology. Our Lord and Chump will never know what happened in this department before he arrived; provided you can eat your way through more wood pulp than a beaver that's just been on an eighteen-month Weight-watchers starvation diet.
BK: The ink's making my tongue go all dirty!
(Baldrick sticks out his tongue at Blackadder)
BA: All of you is already 'all dirty', Balders. Now put that away before I staple it to your kneecaps. If I wanted to throw up for fun, I'd invite your entire family to a finger buffet.
BK: Oh, thank you, Sir B.
BA: Oh god. There are currently more civil servants in Whitehall than rabbits in "Watership Down", but I have to get the only one that thinks 'sar-casm' is a attractive spot in the Welsh valleys.
(Baldrick continues 'filing' while Blackadder opens a paper)
BA: Now, I wonder if anything interesting is happening today? (Reads) "Economy takes another down-turn - Minister says: Well, at least things can't get any worse", "Riots in Middle East", "47 mines closed down", "Unemployment up 27%", "Police clash with march protesting about police brutality - 103 injured". Nope, same old shambles.
BK: Sir B.? Can I ask you a question?
BA: Provided it's got nothing to do with your thoughts on personal hygiene, yes.
BK: We Civil Servants run the country, right?
BA: Well, if I ignore that by using the word 'we', you've not only included yourself in the Civil Service, but also the human race, then yes.
BK: Then how come the country's in such as mess?
BA: Because we have to involve the public. The plebes out there somehow think that just because they live in this place, they should have a say in the running of it.
BK: That's not very nice.
BA: Baldrick, the great unwashed masses, blessed with the precious gift of democracy, choose, of their own free will, to elect utter morons like our Minister to run their entire country. A man so stupid it took us a week to explain to him that the filing cabinet was not in fact his private toilet!
BK: No, it's mine.
BA: They elect people who can't count to the Treasury, Trade Ministers who've never worked in their lives, Health Secretaries who think ill people are just trying to get out of work and Defence Secretaries who could only be improved by a direct nuclear strike. Quite frankly, they deserve everything they get.
BK: But why don't we make things better, if we're in charge?
BA: Several reasons, really. One, our control is more subtle than that, we prefer to gently guide the current of opinion; not drop a huge dam in it's way. Two, as elected officials, however incompetent, they are our 'Lords and Masters' and three, it's a laugh this way. We leave things as they are and make vast amount of cash from our inside knowledge of the ridiculous and short-sighted policies we implement. Which is why I've currently got more money than a cocaine dealer after discovering a City banker with twenty-seven noses.
(The phone on Blackadder's desk rings)
BA: Oh, excellent, another opportunity to chat with Her Majesty's Minister for Idiocy no doubt beckons.
(He picks up the phone)
BA: Sir Blackadder. Yes... Yes... Of course.... Ten minutes...
(He puts the phone down)
BA: Well, that's even better.
BK: What?
BA: That was in fact the Prime Minister's office. They want me there at once. It's an emergency.
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE II
(The Prime Minister's outer office. Darling is sitting at his desk, but he is not his usual neat self, his hair is messy and his suit is rumpled. Blackadder enters)
BA: Oh, you're hair does look lovely today, Darling. Have you had it done?
DARLING(D): In case you'd forgotten, Sir Blackadder, we having an emergency. I've been here since three this morning.
BA: I didn't think you ever went home, Darling. That would involve you having a life, wouldn't it?
D: Well, where have you been? I telephoned you forty minutes ago!
BA: Important matters of state, Darling.
D: What could be more important than coming here?
BA: Picking my nose?
(Prime Minister Melchett opens his office doors and stands in the doorway)
MELCHETT(M): Ah, Blackadder! Come in.
(Melchett walks back into his office, followed by Blackadder and Darling. He sits at his desk, which is covered in papers and telephones. A large map of the world is hung on the wall behind him)
M: Now Blackadder, the reason I've called you here is that we've got problems so big we could paint them lurid colours and use them as an oil rig.
BA: I'm sorry, Prime Minister, I thought this was an emergency, not a meeting of the cabinet?
M: Baaahhh!
D: Look, Blackadder, this is an emergency. There's a war on!
BA: There's always wars going on. Selling guns to keep them going is half our export trade. What's so special about this one?
M: What's so special is that the countries involved have only recently been released from the Empire and as part of the deal, Britain agreed to insure that everything goes tally-ho, bingly-bing and lickedy-spillip for the first six months.
BA: Pardon?
M: We've got to keep the peace, man!
BA: Oh, one of those. Well, how long have we got left?
D: Four and a half months. Why?
BA: It's just that, in these cases, it normally takes us longer than that to decide what color paper to use for the 'memo to all departments'.
M: Well, this time the world is watching like an elderly relative who thinks you've just broken wind. We need to sort this out, quickly!
D: (Grinning) So of course, I suggested sending for our most experienced Foreign Office official.
BA: Of course you did.
M: So, I want you to brief your Minister on every aspect of the countries involved.
BA: Which are?
(Melchett and Darling turn to the map. Melchett whacks his finger onto it)
M: Symo and Phatang.
D: I expect you chaps in the Foreign Office have been following this for weeks, haven't you?
BA: Well, of course. Where in the world are they, exactly?
M: The Middle East, of course. Honestly, Blackadder, we in government must know exactly where every trouble spot is in the world.
(Darling has been looking closely at the map while this has been going on)
D: Actually sir, that's a river.
M: Is it?
D: Yes sir. In Brazil, actually.
M: Well, never mind, I'm not the Foreign Minister, am I? Blackadder, get your man ready to leave at once!
BA: Prime Minister, do you mean you want to send the Foreign Minister to represent Great Britain on a mission involving intricate Foreign policy, diplomacy and strategy?
M: Well, there's no-one else. Every other negotiator has been assassinated by one side or another.
BA: (With an evil grin) I'll just go and break the happy news to the Foreign Minister, shall I?
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE III
(The Foreign Minister's office. George is skidding round his desk on his chair when Blackadder walks in)
G: Ah, Sir Blackadder, delightful to see you. Everything running smoothly?
BA: 'Running' smoothly, yes. 'Going' smoothly, no.
G: What do you mean?
BA: A war has broken out in the Middle East.
G: Well, what's that got to do with us?
BA: You are the Foreign Minister, sir.
G: Oh crikey, yes, I forgot! Well, what am I supposed to do, keep score?
BA: Oh no, Minister. We only do that for important wars. For ones like this you just have to go out and negotiate a peace settlement.
G: Oh, that's all right, so long as I don't hav- What?
BA: You just go to the Middle East and negotiate peace between the two heavily armed, incredibly angry countries, who, incidentally, hate everyone from Britain; especially government officials.
G: I'm dead, aren't I?
BA: Of course not, Minister. I would never allow that.
G: Thank you, Blackadder!
BA: Think of the disruption a new minister would make to my schedule. Minister, this is a prestigious assignment. The Prime Minister must think highly of your value to trust you with it.
G: Really?
BA: Either that, or he's a lunatic who can't be bothered to sack you.
G: Well, that's a relief! So, what can you tell me about these countries?
BA: I'm sorry, Minister?
G: What do you know about them?
BA: The countries? Nothing, Minister.
G: Of course, not your area of expertise. Well, send for whatever expert we have on them.
BA: You don't understand, Minister. No-one in the department knows anything about any foreign countries.
G: What? We're the Foreign Office. How can we make foreign policy if we know nothing about any other countries?
BA: Minister, for the last two hundred years, Britain's foreign policy has consisted of shooting anybody we didn't like and then buying their country from whatever relatives are left. We've never had to know anything about them.
G: So you expect me to go and negotiate a difficult treaty, with people who want to kill me, knowing nothing about the countries involved, completely on my own?
BA: Of course not, Minister. I would never expect something so difficult from you.
G: Good.
BA: No, Minister. I wouldn't expect you to tie your shoelaces without help.
G: (Offended, but he doesn't know why) Well, you'll have to come with me, Blackadder.
BA: Minister?
G: Yes! I can hardly go on such a 'prestigious' mission without my chief advisor.
BA: Minister, you don't understand. When the Minister of a department is sent on an assignment by the Prime Minister, the Permanent Secretary can carry on - that is, take over running the department. Why, without your 'unique' leadership, it will difficult enough for the department to function. Without us both, I fear it would collapse.
G: Well, we certainly don't want the Foreign Office to collapse! Whatever would happen to the country?
BA: It would run a lot smoother and have more money?
(George starts)
BA: Oh! That was a hypothetical question!
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE IV
(Caption 'Three days later'. Blackadder's office. Baldrick is stamping papers at the table in front of the filing cabinets, as Blackadder walks in)
BA: You know Baldrick, with the Minister away, I feel as happy as the Marquis de Sade would be if he'd gone into a bank career and foreclosed on twenty mortgages before lunch.
BK: I'm happy too, Sir B.
BA: Baldrick, there are things with more complex minds than you living in the toilets, so this comes as no surprise. Still, and with a sense of physical pain and emtional weakness, I will ask. Why are you happy?
BK: I've managed to clear three hundred invoices today.
(Blackadder walks over to Baldrick)
BA: Brilliant. I am celebrating the fact that we have no supervision, even that which comes from a Minister who has to be reminded that the thin growths on his arms are his fingers every time he looks down; you are happy because you have done a job a machine could do quicker, quieter and with less smell.
BK: That's right, Sir B.!
BA: What are all these invoices anyway, Baldrick?
(Baldrick hands him one)
BA: (Reads)"Cheltenham's Gentlemen Grocers - One turnip" Which you have stamped, "Top Secret"
BK: That's right!
BA: Am I to understand, you waste of dung, that you have spent all the money we made by selling guns to Symo and Phatang on classified root vegetables?
BK: Yes, Sir B.
(Blackadder picks up the stamp)
BA: You've missed a prize vegetable though, Baldrick.
BK: Where?
(Blackadder stamps Baldrick on the head, hard)
BA: There. Yes, this was one of my more brilliant ideas, though I say so myself. Selling guns to the countries the Minister has gone to negotiate peace between.
BK: But then he'll fail!
BA: Oh, really? What a shame.
BK: That's not fair. He doesn't even know what your doing.
BA: Balders, Ministers never know what is happening in their departments. They bearly know what's happening on their planet. Ministers are there to take the blame when things go badly. Besides, he had about chance of succeeding as Father Christmas has of turning down a mince pie.
BK: How do you know that, Sir B.?
BA: Oh, come on, Baldrick. He left for some of the most delicate necogiations of his career with out knowing the names of the countries involved!
BK: Oh yeah. Well. what will happen when he finds out out you selling those guns?
BA: He'll have two choices. Do nothing and take the blame for the negotiations failing or expose everything and take the blame for breaking a weapons embargo. Either way he'll get sacked, get places on the boards of huge multi-national companies, release mostly fictitious memoirs and claim his was pushed out due to 'party in-fighting', because he was 'too influential'.
BK: That's all right, them
BA: Yep. Only in Britain can a politician being sacked be better for them than being hired.
(The phone on Blackadder's desk rings)
BA: Ah, that will probably the conformation for my order of a private jet plane.
BK: Oh, you going somewhere Sir B.?
BA: No, I'm just buying one so I can go up to five thousand feet and spit on people's heads.
(Blackadder picks up the phone)
BA: Blackadder. Oh, Minister! How are the negotiations going?
G: Oh, they're over.
BA: Oh dear, both sides decided that agreement is impossible and they will have to fight it out to the bitter and expensive end?
G: No. I've negotiated a peace agreement.
BA: You've done what?
G: I've negotiated peace. It turns out that the head of the Symo delegation went to Cambridge with me and the Phatang head is a member of my club. We soon got chin-wagging and sorted the whole mess out.
BA: (Tightly) Oh, well done, Minister.
G: I'll be coming back in a few days, Blackadder.
BA: I can hardly wait, Minister.
(Blackadder puts the phone down)
BA: I don't believe it! One of the best plans I have ever had, destroyed by an public-school twit who can use the phrase 'chin-wagging' without shame, because the leaders of two nations at grievous war with each other are in-bred idiot members of the back-scratchers society!
BK: Well, at least you got rich while it lasted.
BA: No I didn't, you pathetically cheerful gnome, because all my money has been re-invested into more weapons to sell. Besides, if those delegates carry on chatting to the Minister and tell him exactly who sold them the stuff, I will be sent to prison faster than a cheeter on speed. This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, as crises go, this is a crisis the size of the QE II, with 400 hundred cabins, three swimming pools, eight tennis courts and a crew of a hundred and fifty.
(Baldrick walks over)
BK: Don't worry, Sir B., for I have a cunning plan to help you.
BA: Let's not forget, Baldrick, that the last time you tried to 'help' me, Britain ended up in the Falklands war.
BK: Well, this one is better than that.
BA: It had better be or I'll take two fountain pens, shove them up your nostrils and use you as a desk ornament.
BK: What you do is, right, you take all the weapons you've got...
BA: Yes...
BK: ..and you send them back to the shop and ask for your money back.
BA: Wonderful. In one sentence, you've not only shown you're completely unaware of the complexities of the international black-market arms trade, but you've also shown you don't understand simple threats.
(Blackadder punches Baldrick)
BA: There's no choice, I'll have to go there myself and 'assist' the Minister. Get up Baldrick, we're going to carry on a noble British tradition.
BK: What?
BA: Stabbing our friends in the back to save our own skins and make some quick cash.
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE V
(The British Embassy on the border of Symo and Phatang. It is the Minister's room. Blackadder, with Baldrick behind him, is standing across from a dining table where the Minister is eating)
G: So what you're saying Blackadder, is that is government policy to send civil servants to any successful event that a Minister has created.
BA: Why else would we be here, Minister?
G: Isn't that a waste of money?
BA: No, Minister, it happens so rarely. Now, are you sure that the peace is complete and binding? Hostilities aren't just waiting for a single word out of place to ignite them?
G: No.
BK: Oh, so that's what we're here to do.
(Blackadder hits Baldrick)
G: What was that for?
BA: A word out of place.
G: Oh. No, Blackadder. This peace is set on the "Mad Buggers" Society oath of three gentlemen. It would take a sadistic opportunist, attempting to make money out of illegal arms trading to re-start the war.
BA: Well, that's a relief. I'm glad I checked.
BK: How are we going to start the war again, then, Sir B.?
BA: Do you try and be this stupid, Baldrick, or is it just an accident?
BK: Emmmm. Hang on...
G: What did that... voter... just say?
BA: Oh, Minister, I can assure you that Baldrick has never voted and never will.
G: Why not?
BA: Well, it's restricted to sane, human people, who are capable of writing an 'X' in the right box. These factors make it as far beyond Baldrick as a trapeze act is beyond an elephant that's put on a lot of weight and has arthritis in all it's feet.
G: No what did it say about the war?
BK: What war?
BA: See, Minister? Baldrick even managing to put together a coherent few words is a miracle on par with the Spanish Inquisition letting off a heritic. Expecting it to be relevant as well is as unlikely as him taking a bath.
G: He said you were going to start the war!
BA: Did he?
G: Yes, he did!
BA: Did you, Baldrick?
BK: Certainly did, Sir B.
BA: Well, there's a perfectly reasonable and convincing answer.
G: Well?
BA: He's a bigger idiot than the person who said, "Look, these Normans can't be all bad, can they?".
G: That's all right. Now, as you're here, I want you to organise a huge press conference for tomorrow, for the formal signing of the treaty.
BA: So the treaty hasn't been 'officially' signed?
G: No, but it's a pure formality. What could possibly go wrong between politicians who have given each other their word?
BA: Ah, wise words, Minister. Last spoken at the Treaty of Versailles, I believe.
G: Well, exactly.
BA: So, I should talk to the delegation leaders about the arms arrangements for tomorrow.
G: There! (pointing)
BA: It's just Baldrick, Minister. He's completely harmless, provided you're deaf, blind and have no sense of smell. I brought him on the off-chance his existence would be taken as an insult against a local religion and they would burn him.
BK: They wouldn't burn me, Sir B.
BA: No. Apparently you're too damp.
G: No! You said "arms" arrangements. Why are you talking about arms?
BA: Well, Minister, surely you know that some of the worst chapters in history were caused by arms.
G: Really?
BA: Indeed. Why, the only reason Jesus Christ was killed by crucifixion was so the entire crowd could see his arms. They were going to burn him, but with his magic tricks they knew they had to see up his sleves.
G: Well, I never.
BA: Think? No, probably not. Come on Baldrick.
(Blackadder walks out of the door into a corridor, with Baldrick following, leaving the Minister open-mouthed in wonder)
SCENE VI
(The corridor)
BA: I can't believe this Minister. He's the worst we had since that one who thought the phone ringing was an air-raid warning.
BK: Do you mean that what you told him wasn't true?
BA: Of course it wasn't true, you sewage farm. I made it up, so I could talk to these delegates. Give me half an hour, a telephone and an assortment of weaponry so expensive that God would ask for credit terms and I'll be back in the black.
BK: You can't just expect them to start buying weapons.
BA: Of course not, Baldrick! They're politicians! They'll expect a bribe.
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE VII
(Another room in the Embassy, with one bed, a table and a chair. Blackadder and Baldrick walk in)
BA: What did I tell you, Balders? That was easier than getting insulted in a Paris cafe and only slightly more expensive.
BK: Oh, so they took the bribe?
BA: You were standing next to me the entire time, Baldrick. Didn't you notice what was going on?
BK: No, I was wondering what to write to my mum. I'm sending her a postcard. This is the first time I've been abroad.
BA: I'm not surprised, I'm going to have to have you quarantined when we get back. Anyway, I didn't know gorilla's could read.
BK: I love my mum.
BA: Well, at least you're kind to dumb animals. I, on the other hand, delight in tormenting them, so I'm going to see the Minister and tell him that the war's back on.
BK: I thought Britain would look bad if this war carries on?
BA: Baldrick, the day you think anything, I'll paint my self pink, stand on one leg and pretend to be a flamingo. Britain won't look any worse when this war continues, because Britain hasn't looked good since Queen Victoria failed to be amused by the world-famous fake vomit gag. Through out the world, we are regarded as the nation that, at the universe's birthday piss-up, would spend the entire time in the kitchen, washing the glasses. One African nation even went to war with us rather than have to sit next to us at UN meetings. The government, on the other hand, will look very bad indeed, but, as Civil Servants, we must rise above petty party politics and stitch up whoever is in power. Every action must be even-handed as well as under-handed. Now, if you can stop gibbering for a few minutes, I'll inform the Minister.
BK: Won't he just talk to his friends and stop the war again?
BA: He can try, but as I've told them both that he may be a school chum and in the right club, but at night he is a trans-sexual lap dancer called Tracy, they probably won't care.
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE VII
(The Minister's room at the Embassy, as before. Blackadder enters)
BA: Minister, I have tragic, indeed, catastrophic news.
G: Oh, don't tell me we've run out of caviar!
BA: No, the war has restarted.
G: Oh, that's all righ- What? How? When?
BA: Ah, the calm, analytical questioning of the professional statesman.
G: What happened?
BA: It appears some unscrupulous arms dealer has sold vast amounts of weaponry to each side, claiming that the other was already re-arming. After that, it was just a matter of shouting 'Are you looking at me?' very loudly and charging.
G: What a cad! We'll have to find out who it was, of course.
BA: Far be for me to advise a Minister-
G: Isn't that what you're paid to do?
BA: Oh, you noticed. Well, Minister, at this stage, does it really matter who the dealer was? Everyone has to make a living, after all.
G: What stage are we at, exactly?
BA: I'm not completely up-to-date with all the details, but I believe the conflict has escalated beyond, "You just knocked over my pint" and has gone into, "This is for what you said at our Sharon's wedding".
G: Who's Sharon?
BA: I mean, Minister, that it is rapidly becoming advisable for us to leave the country faster than a bus-load of drunken football hooligans.
G: The PM will be furious! He'll want us to find out exactly what happened. I'll be finished!
BA: Don't worry, he'll just ask us to hold an inquiry.
G: But that will discover all of the facts!
BA: Absolutely, Minister. That is why we hold inquiries.
G: How does that help?
BA: Inquiries are used to discover facts, Minister. However, they never reveal those facts until everybody involved has been dead at least thirty years.
G: Really?
BA: Indeed. In fact most inquiries in Westminster take so long, the committee have all died themselves, several years before the findings are due to be announced.
G: Hurrah! Time to leave, then.
(Blackadder turns towards the door, but it is kicked open, in his face, by a flash Revolutionary)
FLASH(F): Iiiiit's me! All right, no-body move! This is a revolution. (gyrates pelvis) We've up-thrust and taken over the country! WOOF!
BA: Oh god.
F: Not yet, but it's next on the list. WOOF! Have you got a big nob?
BA: I beg your pardon?
F: There's supposed to be some big British nob up here. I wanted to take a hostage.
BA: (Quickly pointing at George) That's your man.
G: Hello.
F: Man? Oh, damm! I was hoping to tie up a woman. Never mind, I'll find plenty of volunteers for that tonight! WOOF!
BA: Are all you revolutionaries drooling perverts?
F: Haha.(Flash punches Blackadder) All right, you can go. I've got to go hang round the Town Square with my big machinery!
G: Eh?
F: The tanks. The chicks love large, throbbing cannons! But the tank helps too. WOOF!
BA: What are you going on about?
F: Look, one-inch boy. We got so fed up of our leaders spending all our money on weapons, we've revolted! From now on, we'll spend the cash on smart uniforms. You've got an hour to get out of the country, we've got the weapons and the cash and I've been appointed Lord Marshal for the Ministry in Charge of Shagging! WOOF, WOOF!
(Flash leaps through the door)
F: (Shouting) Hey, girls! Want to feel a real revolutionary movement! WOOF!
BA: Git.
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE VIII
(The Prime Minster's office, in Whitehall. Blackadder and George are standing in front of the desk. Melchett is sitting and Darling is also standing on the other side)
M: Well, you chaps were jolly lucky to get out alive.
BA: Oh, I doubt that revolutionary could have hit anything that wasn't wearing a skirt.
M: Still, stout fellows, the pair of you!
G: Thank you, Prime Minister.
M: In fact, you did so well, I'm thinking of having you both as my permanent trouble-shooters, ready to fly into any conflict around the globe, no matter how dangerous. You can end it without trouble or fuss.
BA: Is that the conflicts or our lives, Prime Minister?
M: Baaaahhhhh!
D: As a matter of fact, Sir Blackadder, there's a very serious dispute just broken out in Tangercancan, South America.
BA: 'Dispute'?
M: Only a ten thousand or so men involved. You can finish it off in a day or two. They haven't got any weapons you see.
BA: Excellent. It will be my pleasure to sell. Did I say sell? I meant serve.
END
Disclaimer time;
Any resemblance to the characters in "Blackadder" is entirely un-coincidental, although rather surprising. The British Civil Service is not an evil, sinister, corrupt organisation, in league with big business, performing experiments on the populace and wasting tax-payer's money. Probably. No part of this story was coherent. The rights to transmit, copy, reproduce, edit, improve, or publish are none existent, but bear in mind that the author will be a bit miffed if anyone uses the funnier lines to try and pull the girl he was interested in. Any spelling mistakes are due to an error with the program used to transmit it.
KEITH LEWIS 21 Febuary 1999