GOLLUM GOES TO A
PSYCHIATRIST.
FADE IN:
Inside Dr. Stottlemeyer's Office we find Gollum, the once kind hobbit brother of Deagol and now the menacing, annoying persona he is today sitting on a sofa bed telling the doctor of his problems.
Dr. S: How are you feeling Gollum?
Gollum: Terrible, utterly terrible...
Dr. S: How come?
Gollum: The hobbits stole the preciousss from ussss...The precioussss calls to us; it wants us to get it and keepsies it!
Dr. S: This precious you are talking about. Is it a woman, or man you're talking about?
Gollum: Of course not! And why would Gollum want a man? Gollum is a single, straight, skinny stud! Gollum has had his share of ladies. Gollum is a pimp.
Dr. S: Okay, then what is this precious you so profoundly and incessantly talk about?
Gollum: The ring. The ring that I killed my brother for to get.
Dr. S: Oh...so this ring was a gift for somebody? We're going to get married to your sweetheart?
Gollum: No, Gollum was going to keep it for himself and never give it to anyone! Smeagol hates sharing! Smeagol would rather be dead than to share the precious with someone. Gollum would rather have his nuts beaten in with a sledgehammer, or tied to a moving cart being dragged by a donkey than to share his precious with anyone.
Dr. S: So, tell me Gollum what is this fascination or fixation for this ring so important to you? What does it do that draws you in and captivates you so powerfully?
Gollum: Well, it's pretty and shiny and when you wear it feels like you're a leading man in Hollywood, or you feel like you've had the best sex in your life. It's that cool!
Dr. S: Wow, it does sound cool...(Suddenly finds interest in the ring also, but then stops.) But...uh...even if it feels like you've gotten the best booty in your life doesn't change the fact that this obsession and compulsiveness towards it needs tweaking and fixing.
Gollum: But Gollum needs the precious! Without it I am nothing, but a 3- dimensional character that steals awards from Yoda and Jar Jar Binks at the MTV MOVIE AWARDS. AND I HATE THE MTV MOVIE AWARDS, I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM! Stupid f-ing bastards think they're so big just because they can have Madonna kiss Britney and Christina just for one night, or have Janet Jackson appear on TV with her juggies sticking out. Hell, I could run outside bare-ass naked and I wouldn't get shit for publicity, just a frozen hairy ass!
Dr. S: Ah, now we're getting somewhere. You have anger issues. The ring brings out your Hyde to your Jekyll, your Manson to your Marilyn, your Bonnie to your Clyde, your Sonny to your Cher, your...
Gollum: My Justin Timberlake to the N'SYNC group, my Ringo and Paul McCartney to the rest of "THE BEATLES", my Elvis to my...well...Elvis.
Dr. S: Yes, that's it! So, tell me were you ever sexually assaulted, or abused, or harmed in anyway? Or do you suffer from repressed memories from something terrible years before?
Gollum: (Starts crying and weeping.) Yes! YES! YESSSSS!!! IT'S ALL TRUE! All of it! My daddy use to beat my mommy! He used to get drunk and have fits. He'd punch her, kick her, and call her names like "Wide Load", "Lard butt", and "Chubbo the Human Feedbag." It was appalling and disgraceful! Every time he did it I became more and more enraged. All I wanted to do was squeeze and wring his little neck and choke him till he said he was sorry, but before I even got the chance he walked out on us. I remember the day well. I was relaxing in my crib when my mother came in to breast-feed me. She picked me up and started to do it, but as she did it my father became jealous of me getting more boob than he ever got during sex. So, he slapped my mother and threw me onto the ground and started sucking on my mother's breast trying to get milk, but she refused and got a frying pan and clonked him hard on the head. Then, she kicked him out and sine then I've never seen him. Some people say he's with some girl named Tallulah, or some elf with one ear.
Dr. S: Wow, that is a sickening, yet tear-jerking story Smeagol, but even though your father proved to be an embarrassment to your family. You know that by his mistakes you can turn your life around and make it right can't you?
Gollum: Gollum stopped taking drugs! Is that a start?
Dr. S: (Sighs) Yes, but Gollum the ring needs to go if you are ever to experience a life of freedom and luxury again.
Gollum: But Gollum wants to stay with the precious! Gollum needs it! Gollum loves it! Gollum craves it! Gollum desires it!
Dr. S: But Gollum all it has brought you is more sadness and woe; pain and angst.
Gollum: Well, what am I supposed to do? Make friends with Elijah "I'm Too Young to Make a" Wood and Sam "God, I'm Fat" Astin? Or Sir Ian "I Like Men" McKellan? You know how awkward that would be if Magneto and me hung out? I mean I'm so nervous even to walk pass his trailer because it's cover in lace and little curtains from "The Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" set.
Dr. S: But see it teaches you not judge anyone by the way they act, dress, talk, think, etc.
Gollum: What are you democratic!? Who cares!
Dr. S: (Shuts up and changes the subject) But don't you see that the ring is separating you from all of life's pleasures?
Gollum: SO WHAT! I've had my share of sex, ladies, drugs, alcohol, stardom, etc. I do not need anymore! The ring brings me everything I could ever ask for.
Dr. S: And what's that?
Gollum: (Thinks about it) A hole to put my finger through...
Dr. S: (Smacks his head and shakes it growing tired of this very quickly.) Look...(Grabs a gun from a cabinet drawer and points it at Gollum.) Either you quit these shenanigans and split-personality crap or I'll make this here gun end it for you.
Gollum: (He stands up in the chair, scared, frightened, sweating, and panting wildly and madly.) Um...um...I HATE THIS PRECIOUS! IT'S EVIL! IT SUCKS! DIE PRECIOUS DIE!
Dr. S: Do you mean that, or are you just saying that?
Gollum: (Crying but lying at the same time) I mean it! I mean it! Just put the gun away and let us be!
Dr. S: Let who be?
Gollum: Me! Smeagol! Did I say us? I meant I will not fuss or uh...Have you ever read the book "Puss and Boots?" It's a classic!
Dr. S: So, you promise to end your relationship with the ring and your wicked self?
Gollum: Yesss, Scouts Honor! Pinky swear! Cross my hobbit heart and hope to die.
Dr. S: Good, then our session is over. See you in two weeks for further progress.
Gollum: WHAT? YOU TRICKED US! You trixied us! You dirty (beeping) mother- (beeper) I ought to bite your head off and claw your eyes out you dirty rotten, no good, poor excuse for a doctor. Gollum hates you! Gollum thinks your name sounds like the guy off of "MONK." Gollum thinks you are a jerk- ass! If you were on the road in your little BMW Gollum would pretend he was a wounded dog and attacked you as soon as you stepped out of your car. If you were hiking and you found me in the woods I would get Bambi, the "Brother Bear" bear, and Pepe' Le Pew the skunk to attack you. If you were in spelling bee and needed help because you couldn't remember a letter Gollum wouldn't tells you what the letter was because I would laugh at you and dance around laughing and mocking you because you suck, you suck, you suck. LALALALALA!
Dr. S: Gollum there's no need to get into a pansy-wansy, "loincloth to tight" fit. Just calm down and take a few deep breaths. I was just performing a procedure on you.
Gollum: Performing a procedure! I'll perform you a procedure. (Flicks him off.) There happy now you icky-wicky, stinky-winky, ugly man!
Dr. S: No, but thanks for telling me I smell now I have to go shower.
Gollum: Gollum loathes you, but loves the precious. So, Gollum will flee now and never return to this damn office or to you again! (Laughs maniacally) GOODBYE SMELLIES! GOODBYE COCK FOR BRAINS! GOODBYE DILDO NOSE! GOODBYE ASS FINGERER! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
FADE IN:
Inside Dr. Stottlemeyer's Office we find Gollum, the once kind hobbit brother of Deagol and now the menacing, annoying persona he is today sitting on a sofa bed telling the doctor of his problems.
Dr. S: How are you feeling Gollum?
Gollum: Terrible, utterly terrible...
Dr. S: How come?
Gollum: The hobbits stole the preciousss from ussss...The precioussss calls to us; it wants us to get it and keepsies it!
Dr. S: This precious you are talking about. Is it a woman, or man you're talking about?
Gollum: Of course not! And why would Gollum want a man? Gollum is a single, straight, skinny stud! Gollum has had his share of ladies. Gollum is a pimp.
Dr. S: Okay, then what is this precious you so profoundly and incessantly talk about?
Gollum: The ring. The ring that I killed my brother for to get.
Dr. S: Oh...so this ring was a gift for somebody? We're going to get married to your sweetheart?
Gollum: No, Gollum was going to keep it for himself and never give it to anyone! Smeagol hates sharing! Smeagol would rather be dead than to share the precious with someone. Gollum would rather have his nuts beaten in with a sledgehammer, or tied to a moving cart being dragged by a donkey than to share his precious with anyone.
Dr. S: So, tell me Gollum what is this fascination or fixation for this ring so important to you? What does it do that draws you in and captivates you so powerfully?
Gollum: Well, it's pretty and shiny and when you wear it feels like you're a leading man in Hollywood, or you feel like you've had the best sex in your life. It's that cool!
Dr. S: Wow, it does sound cool...(Suddenly finds interest in the ring also, but then stops.) But...uh...even if it feels like you've gotten the best booty in your life doesn't change the fact that this obsession and compulsiveness towards it needs tweaking and fixing.
Gollum: But Gollum needs the precious! Without it I am nothing, but a 3- dimensional character that steals awards from Yoda and Jar Jar Binks at the MTV MOVIE AWARDS. AND I HATE THE MTV MOVIE AWARDS, I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM! Stupid f-ing bastards think they're so big just because they can have Madonna kiss Britney and Christina just for one night, or have Janet Jackson appear on TV with her juggies sticking out. Hell, I could run outside bare-ass naked and I wouldn't get shit for publicity, just a frozen hairy ass!
Dr. S: Ah, now we're getting somewhere. You have anger issues. The ring brings out your Hyde to your Jekyll, your Manson to your Marilyn, your Bonnie to your Clyde, your Sonny to your Cher, your...
Gollum: My Justin Timberlake to the N'SYNC group, my Ringo and Paul McCartney to the rest of "THE BEATLES", my Elvis to my...well...Elvis.
Dr. S: Yes, that's it! So, tell me were you ever sexually assaulted, or abused, or harmed in anyway? Or do you suffer from repressed memories from something terrible years before?
Gollum: (Starts crying and weeping.) Yes! YES! YESSSSS!!! IT'S ALL TRUE! All of it! My daddy use to beat my mommy! He used to get drunk and have fits. He'd punch her, kick her, and call her names like "Wide Load", "Lard butt", and "Chubbo the Human Feedbag." It was appalling and disgraceful! Every time he did it I became more and more enraged. All I wanted to do was squeeze and wring his little neck and choke him till he said he was sorry, but before I even got the chance he walked out on us. I remember the day well. I was relaxing in my crib when my mother came in to breast-feed me. She picked me up and started to do it, but as she did it my father became jealous of me getting more boob than he ever got during sex. So, he slapped my mother and threw me onto the ground and started sucking on my mother's breast trying to get milk, but she refused and got a frying pan and clonked him hard on the head. Then, she kicked him out and sine then I've never seen him. Some people say he's with some girl named Tallulah, or some elf with one ear.
Dr. S: Wow, that is a sickening, yet tear-jerking story Smeagol, but even though your father proved to be an embarrassment to your family. You know that by his mistakes you can turn your life around and make it right can't you?
Gollum: Gollum stopped taking drugs! Is that a start?
Dr. S: (Sighs) Yes, but Gollum the ring needs to go if you are ever to experience a life of freedom and luxury again.
Gollum: But Gollum wants to stay with the precious! Gollum needs it! Gollum loves it! Gollum craves it! Gollum desires it!
Dr. S: But Gollum all it has brought you is more sadness and woe; pain and angst.
Gollum: Well, what am I supposed to do? Make friends with Elijah "I'm Too Young to Make a" Wood and Sam "God, I'm Fat" Astin? Or Sir Ian "I Like Men" McKellan? You know how awkward that would be if Magneto and me hung out? I mean I'm so nervous even to walk pass his trailer because it's cover in lace and little curtains from "The Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" set.
Dr. S: But see it teaches you not judge anyone by the way they act, dress, talk, think, etc.
Gollum: What are you democratic!? Who cares!
Dr. S: (Shuts up and changes the subject) But don't you see that the ring is separating you from all of life's pleasures?
Gollum: SO WHAT! I've had my share of sex, ladies, drugs, alcohol, stardom, etc. I do not need anymore! The ring brings me everything I could ever ask for.
Dr. S: And what's that?
Gollum: (Thinks about it) A hole to put my finger through...
Dr. S: (Smacks his head and shakes it growing tired of this very quickly.) Look...(Grabs a gun from a cabinet drawer and points it at Gollum.) Either you quit these shenanigans and split-personality crap or I'll make this here gun end it for you.
Gollum: (He stands up in the chair, scared, frightened, sweating, and panting wildly and madly.) Um...um...I HATE THIS PRECIOUS! IT'S EVIL! IT SUCKS! DIE PRECIOUS DIE!
Dr. S: Do you mean that, or are you just saying that?
Gollum: (Crying but lying at the same time) I mean it! I mean it! Just put the gun away and let us be!
Dr. S: Let who be?
Gollum: Me! Smeagol! Did I say us? I meant I will not fuss or uh...Have you ever read the book "Puss and Boots?" It's a classic!
Dr. S: So, you promise to end your relationship with the ring and your wicked self?
Gollum: Yesss, Scouts Honor! Pinky swear! Cross my hobbit heart and hope to die.
Dr. S: Good, then our session is over. See you in two weeks for further progress.
Gollum: WHAT? YOU TRICKED US! You trixied us! You dirty (beeping) mother- (beeper) I ought to bite your head off and claw your eyes out you dirty rotten, no good, poor excuse for a doctor. Gollum hates you! Gollum thinks your name sounds like the guy off of "MONK." Gollum thinks you are a jerk- ass! If you were on the road in your little BMW Gollum would pretend he was a wounded dog and attacked you as soon as you stepped out of your car. If you were hiking and you found me in the woods I would get Bambi, the "Brother Bear" bear, and Pepe' Le Pew the skunk to attack you. If you were in spelling bee and needed help because you couldn't remember a letter Gollum wouldn't tells you what the letter was because I would laugh at you and dance around laughing and mocking you because you suck, you suck, you suck. LALALALALA!
Dr. S: Gollum there's no need to get into a pansy-wansy, "loincloth to tight" fit. Just calm down and take a few deep breaths. I was just performing a procedure on you.
Gollum: Performing a procedure! I'll perform you a procedure. (Flicks him off.) There happy now you icky-wicky, stinky-winky, ugly man!
Dr. S: No, but thanks for telling me I smell now I have to go shower.
Gollum: Gollum loathes you, but loves the precious. So, Gollum will flee now and never return to this damn office or to you again! (Laughs maniacally) GOODBYE SMELLIES! GOODBYE COCK FOR BRAINS! GOODBYE DILDO NOSE! GOODBYE ASS FINGERER! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!