'Sōdaina hinotama gijutsu'Sasuke screeched, as a giant burning ball of incinerating death speed off to a young blond… whom just stood there… like A BOSS! No, seriously, he just stood there like he has no worries. (INSERT GIANT DEADPAN AND SWEATDROP) And whom, might you ask, is this Gutsy/machoist, cool headed/fear struck, brave/stubborn, young boy/man?
He is none other than the Great Uchiha Sasuke (CoUgH gAy CoUgH eMo CoUgH pRiCk CoUgH cOuGh PeDoPhiLeSTOyCouGh) teammate (T-T along with the bubblegum-haired, gay-emo loving, going- to-die-on-first-C-rank-mission-because-of-banshee- DNA, Bitch, Haruno Sakura) to Uzumaki Namikaze Shi Naruto of the Village Hidden in the Leaf… not really.
See, Naruto always acted like a loudmouthed knucklehead but he was really a genius, although not Nara level but prreeettyyy daammnn close. Also he isn't even native to the Leaf, hell, he isn't native to Fire Country. No, he is from a place said to be a myth, a story used to inspire and scare young genin into getting stronger.
He is the 100× Great Grandson of the Shikages (Death Shadows) and holder of a lost dojutsu (eye technique) and near mastery of 6 chakra elements; fire, earth, water, wind, lightning, and light, (He actually has complete mastery of the 7th chakra element; Darkness). His chakra reserves are equal to all 43 current single kage level nins, PLUS the 60 past kage level nins. That is incredible even for a hidden Shigakure ninja inserted into a hidden village for their secrets, P.I. (Personal information), and recruits for his hidden village.
He already has a list of recruits that have accepted his invitation…
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… Oh. Look below for the recruits and their future positions in Shigakure.
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List of Accepted Recruits
T.I. (TOURTURE & INTEROGATION):
Anko: physical, Ino: mental, Team Youthful Spandex (Gai & Lee) LAST RESORT ONLY DUE TO HELLISH ABILTY THAT IS 'SUNSET OF YOUTH'
ANBU:
Yugao (Oni Neko)
Kureni (Oni Kamereon)
Asuma (Oni Saru)
Kiba (Oni Inu)
Sai (Oni Fukurō)
TRACKERS:
Tsume, Hana, Hinata
SENSEIS:
Neji
Tenten
Shikamaru
Choji
Shino
Alright, back to the suicide fight (spar in the mind of Sasuke). Naruto, standing still and engulfed by the Uchihas fireball… and swag walks out of it… unharmed… and the stuck-up Uchiha thinks, 'WTF! NOT POSSIBLE! HOW DID HE EVA-'… that is all because Naruto close-lined him in the face. Sasuke spins 3½× before kicked into the sky… as a boulder is launched passed him. A blond blur lands on the boulder and punches him back to the ground. Halfway to the ground, Naruto vaults off the boulder and gives spin to his body. Just before the Uchiha hits the homely Earth, Naruto slams his feet into his gut, screaming, 'Gurando oni sutonputekunikku'!
Sakura stares at her teammates, thoughts along the lines, 'WHAT DID NARUTO-BAKA DO TO MY SASUKE-KUN!' (Deluded bitch, aint she?). She runs up to Naruto, cocks her fist back annnnnd… POW! BAM! CRACK! SLAM! Sakura… wweeell… I cannot give a description of her appearance… buuuuuut… I have to censor the image because it is waaaayyyy to graphic for even the most hardened bastards. =T_T= But I can describe Sasukes condition to all that want it… OK. It's down below.
Sasuke has 3 crushed ribs, mild internal bleeding, a dislocated shoulder and kneecap, legs broken, 7 fingers and a thumb shattered, and a severe concussion. Also considering his spinal column is now somehow flipped… he just lost his shinobi career to a bet… oh, the bet was if he won the spar (ego-boosting-suicide-match) without getting a scratch on himself, Naruto would have to see him (the teme) as his superior. for. life. And if Naruto won/beat the fucking shit out of him, Sasuke would give up his shinobi career and have to give up his ambition/obsession/dementia fueled revenge/avenger/justice (?) for his brother.
Kakashi, having not stopped the 'prodigy' from getting his ass kicked, ripped off, rubbed in his face, and handed to him with ease… was reading his smut with perverted giggles and is supposedly completely oblivious to all that hap… wait… ! 'WHERE IS MY LITERATURE?!' (coughsmutcough)… and we see the blond ninja next to a pile of dirty orange books… pouring petroleum on said pile… uses a seal less katon jutsu and… incinerates all known and unknown smut on the planet. Kakashi clutches his heart and is currently overly spazing out in front of his only conscious student (along with hundreds of thousands of perverts over the world… especially a white haired super perv, whom is seen in the fire burning with the porn; while all the women seem to shiver in gratitude for an unknown reason… except for a few in Konoha whom are watching the scene with hearts in there eyes… excluding Anko, who is currently training with the Legendary Oni Sage, The Trillion Tailed Jinjuriki, God of Sealing, Creator of Torture, the Head of the T.I. R&D, The God of Voodoo Torture, God of Demon Kings, Joseph 'God of Death' Shikami Hitaro.
SCENE CHANGE- Forests of Fire Country- 200 miles from the Leaf Village
'Hmm… why do I feel someone is having the pleasure of torture without me?' were the thoughts of the two sadists. They hear twigs snap in the bushes to their left… and bandits come out in the hundreds… with the 3rd member of their group… tied up… sleeping… at which time the sage and his apprentice/lover are struck by the combo jutsu known as the sweatdrop no jutsu and the deadpan no jutsu, which should be impossible, considering there were no nuke-nin in the mass group of 8,000 bandits. "Give us everything you've got… and you're coming with us woman or we'll kill these two" the bandits apparently had more balls the brains… or none of each in the reasoning that they (1) have to be in a group to take on three ninja, and (2) the nins they did kill had the infamous BINGO BOOK that they never looked at and if they did they would see on the FIRST TWO PAGES that one of the people is the
Akuma-shin sēji, Joseph 'God of Death' Shikami Hitaro Rank: Jounin
Height: 6'9" All in all rank: S×6 Weight: 185lb Age: 19 Eye color: Hazel
Description: Black T-shirt, crimson trench coat with the kanji for trillion in gold on the back, black bracers on the forearms and knees, Black cargo pants with four nodachis on the hip (2 on each side), all brother and sister blades, Black blades with the guards in the shape of the kanji for Life, Death, Luck, and Choice, the sheaths color (in kanji order) are white, black, gold, and silver, the shoes are black demon leather combat boots, and to top it off are the black fingerless gloves with black metal plates on the back that, if chakra is inserted into them, they become Lucifer's Legendary Demon Claws.
Reputation: defeated the Original One and the Old Hell War Council, killed the corrupted Dragon Gods and their corrupted sons and daughters, trained in Hell by Lucifer, Beelzebub, Lilith, Azura, Death, Watain, Marduk, Belphegor, Gorgoroth, Bahumat, and Satan themselves with Connery 'High God of death' Onikami Hitarimo Naruto 'Demon of Death' Uzumaki Namikaze Shi.
Nin: Unknown Gen: Unknown Fuuin: Unknown Tai: 6× Kage lv. Ken: 7× Kage lv.
Rank (Lightning): S×5 beg for life don't harm his comrades don't piss/tic him off
Rank (Earth): S×5 beg for life don't harm his comrades don't piss/tic him off
Rank (Water): S×5 beg for life don't harm his comrades don't piss/tic him off
Rank (Wind): S×5 beg for life don't harm his comrades don't piss/tic him off
Rank (Fire): S×5 beg for life don't harm his comrades don't piss/tic him off
Rank (Death): S×7 beg for life don't harm his comrades don't piss/tic him off
And the other is
Akuma kōtei sēji, Connery 'High God of death' Onikami Hitarimo Rank: Jounin
Height: 6'10" All in all rank: S×5 Weight: 184lb Age: 19 Eye color: Brown
Description: Black T-shirt, Black trench coat with a golden infinity symbol on the back, Silver bracers on the forearms and knees, Black cargo pants with twin kodachis strapped onto each side, crimson blades with guards that are shaped into the kanji for Hell and Purgatory, their sheaths, respectively, are decorated to envision the Gates of hell and the other to depict the Fires of Penance, shoes are black demon leather boots, and black fingerless gloves with silver plates on the back, which, when chakra is infused into, morph into Bahumat's Claws of Corrosion.
Reputation: defeated the Original One and the Old Hell War Council, killed the corrupted Dragon Gods and their corrupted sons and daughters, trained in Hell by Lucifer, Beelzebub, Lilith, Azura, Death, Watain, Marduk, Belphegor, Gorgoroth, Bahumat, and Satan themselves with Joseph 'God of Death' Shikami Hitaro and Naruto 'Demon of Death' Uzumaki Namikaze Shi.
Nin: Unknown Gen: Unknown Fuuin: Unknown Tai: 4× Kage lv. Ken: 5× Kage lv.
Rank (Lightning): S×4 beg for life don't harm his comrades don't piss/tic him off
Rank (Earth): S×4 beg for life don't harm his comrades don't piss/tic him off
Rank (Water): S×4 beg for life don't harm his comrades don't piss/tic him off
Rank (Wind): S×4 beg for life don't harm his comrades don't piss/tic him off
Rank (Fire): S×4 beg for life don't harm his comrades don't piss/tic him off
Rank (Death): S×5 beg for life don't harm his comrades don't piss/tic him off
Anko just steps back annnnnnnd… shunshins 2 miles away… while Connery wakes up and Josephs posture stiffens while they both… start… leaking… Killer… Intent… Scaring the shit out of the bandits.
(INSERT WILD BOY BY MACHINE GUN KELLY)
The Oni Sage Duo set into a stance, hands on their swords, and whisper, "De~yuaru akuma furasshusuteppu: Rengoku no rakkī-en" the aftermath is… well… let's say that it looks like a small part of an apocalypse scene.
SCENE CHANGE- LEAF VILLAGE- HOKAGE TOWER
In the tower, sits the most powerful Ninja, Hiruzen Sarutobi, The God of Shinobi, The Professor, THE…THIRD…HOKAGE…WHOM…IS…also…a…ahempervahem!... Annnyywaayy… the Hokage is reading the infamous ICHA-ICHA series when all of a sudden… a cold shiver passes through him… his thoughts are, 'why do my senses alert me of a coming horror to my village…? Wait… what is tha- (PALES TO THE POINT THAT THE HIS WHITE PUTS OROCHIMARU, PAPER, AND THE SHINIGAMI TO SHAME) JIRYA! NOOOOOOO!' ALL of the villagers see a blur while thinking 'DID SOMEONE RECREATE THE HIRASHIN!'… quite the exaggeration… but it was close to an exact replication. As the Hokage enters the field, he sees a beat up Uchiha, Kakashi experiencing his 1st stroke, a censored pixleized pile of pink, AND a pile of burning smut… with a strong smell of BBQ sauce… and a lot of women eating said BBQ with a blond being the center of attention… apparently also the chef… serving the women with a gentleman's touch… AND HE WASN'T GETTING CASTRATED, NEUTERED, OR GETTING THE FUCKING SHIT BEAT OUTTA HIM! He has to teach all the men his secr… wait… is… that… "N-N-Naruto?" All the laughing stops… and 9 pairs of eyes (Tenten, Tsume, Hana, Hinata, Yugao, Kureni, Ino, Ayame, and Naruto) train onto his form… where 8 seem to grow feral, 2 of them more so (Tsume & Hana) than the others, while the last one looks… like… a demon… wait! That doesn't seem right… Naruto doesn't want to be seen as the Nine-Tailed Fox Demon King (Oh how IGNORANT are ALL these RETARDS! I MEAN REALLY… The BIJU are actually the NINE GUARDIANS FOR THE NINE CIRCLES OF HELL! You would have to be stupid to think they would attack without being provoked first… wait… that would mean… someone tricked… the Kyuubi… into… Oh SHIT!)… does he?
"Yes, Lord Hokage." The Hokage flinches internally and externally at the amount of malice and scorn put into the words he never thought in his dreams Naruto would voice. Little did he know, that Naruto told these women about his life and the 9-TF (Nine-Tailed Fox will be written in this format for it is otherwise a mouthful)… as well as where he really is from. Before Sarutobi can reply a little black book slams into his face, courtesy of…?
Connery 'High God of death' Onikami Hitarimo, Joseph 'God of Death' Shikami Hitaro, and Anko Mitarashi.
The Book is something he recog… 'OH SHIT!' Looking at the two Demon Sages, they nod and signal to read further; when the hokage reads he suddenly pales (ONCE AGAIN) after reading both of their profiles, looks back, they smirk evilly and nod once more, signaling to keep reading… the hokage turns the page and pales so considerably, that he nearly phases out of his skin… but instead faints, peaking the women's curiosity so they take a peek at the BINGO Book… and all smile at the 1st and 2nd pages… and are bewildered at the info they found out… and the info is on the 3rd page.
Maō sēji, Naruto 'Demon of Death' Uzumaki Namikaze Shi Rank: Jounin
Height: 5'7" All in all rank: S×4 Weight: 165lb Age: 14 Eye Color: Sapphire
Description: White T-shirt, white trench coat with the kanji for 9-TF and guardian in crimson on the back, Platinum bracers on his forearms and knees, crimson cargo pants with black flames on the ankles, two scimitars on his hips, one with the kanji for kitsune, the other depicts the kanji for guardian, shoes are white Hell Anaconda leather combat boots, and white fingerless gloves with crimson metal plates on the back of them which, when chakra is infused into, morph into Beelzebub's Thunder Cestuses.
Reputation: defeated the Original One and the Old Hell War Council, killed the corrupted Dragon Gods and their corrupted sons and daughters, trained in Hell by Lucifer, Beelzebub, Lilith, Azura, Death, Watain, Marduk, Belphegor, Gorgoroth, Bahumat, and Satan themselves with Joseph 'God of Death' Shikami Hitaro and Connery 'High God of death' Onikami Hitarimo.
Nin: Unknown Gen: Unknown Fuuin: Unknown Tai: 6× Kage lv. Ken: 5× Kage lv.
Rank (Lightning): S×4 beg for life don't harm his comrades don't piss/tic him off
Rank (Earth): S×4 beg for life don't harm his comrades don't piss/tic him off
Rank (Water): S×3 beg for life don't harm his comrades don't piss/tic him off
Rank (Wind): S×4 beg for life don't harm his comrades don't piss/tic him off
Rank (Fire): SS beg for life don't piss/tic him off
Rank (Death): S×5 beg for life don't harm his comrades don't piss/tic him off
Next Chapter, we see what happened to Naruto, Joseph, and Connery to gain the titles of the Three Sages of Death. Was it painful, depressing, or gut-wrenchingly gruesome? Next Time on Shi-nin!
The Stupid and Dreaded Disclaimer: I Don't Own the Narutoverse, Hell, or Japanese Beliefs… I do own my VERSION of Naruto, Hell, and Japanese Beliefs… But otherwise if I did own Naruto, it would have him become a total badass, a womanizer, and a gentleman, and the emo and the banshee would be out of commission immediately, the sensei would not be an emo worshiper, and the Kyuubi no Yoko/Kitsune would be kind to his container instead of being a total prick!
Translations:
Sōdaina hinotama gijutsu (Great Fireball Technique)
Gurando oni sutonputekunikku (Grand Demon Stomp Technique)
Maō sēji (Demon King Sage)
Akuma-shin sēji (Demon God Sage)
De~yuaru akuma furasshusuteppu: Rengoku no rakkī-en (Dual Demon Flash Step: Lucky Flames of Purgatory)
Akuma kōtei sēji (Demon Emperor Sage)