I had wedding fever after the show and decided to write a wedding themed one shot, set back at the time Rayna found out she was pregnant. I decided to take things in a little different direction, with a different wedding scenario altogether. Hope you like it.
~2010~
Rayna looked up when Deacon opened the bedroom door and walked out. She took her headphones off and smiled. He smiled back and walked over to her, sitting down next to her on the love seat. He leaned in and kissed her, pulling her in close. "How long you been out here listening to that?" he asked softly, against her lips.
She laughed a little. "I couldn't sleep, so I just got up. I didn't want to disturb you with tossing and turning." She grabbed his arm and grinned. "I'm so happy with this record. I think it's going to be great."
He raised his eyebrows and smirked. "Oh, yeah, it's gonna be really great." He kissed her again quickly and stood up. "I'm gonna go to a meeting. There's one not far from here."
She stood up as well, putting her arms around his waist. "You'll be back for sound check, right?"
He nodded. "Plenty of time."
She smiled up at him. "I'm so proud of you, you know that? I don't know if I tell you enough."
He shook his head and smiled shyly. "It ain't hard, not when I got you and the girls counting on me. I won't ever let y'all down."
She leaned into him, running her hands up his back. He put his hands on her shoulders. "I know." She breathed in. "Going on eleven years."
He nodded. "I couldn't have done it without you, Ray. Without you believing in me." His eyes got misty and he worked his lip. "It was the hardest thing I ever done, but getting to be there, when Maddie was born, well, that made me realize it was something worth doing."
She smiled at him, feeling her emotions bubbling up. "It was all I ever wanted, babe, you know that," she said softly. She kissed him again. "Well, go on ahead, so you can get back."
He grinned. "I'll see you soon." And then he walked out the door.
She sat back down and picked up her headphones, but she didn't put them back on right away. She leaned back and considered how far they'd come. Their anniversary was coming up in a few weeks and she thought every year that passed reminded her yet again that she'd made the right decision that weekend she was supposed to marry Teddy Conrad. Just then she heard her computer ping and she walked over to it, smiling when she saw it was her girls wanting to Skype. "Hey, y'all!" she cried out happily. Even though they talked every day, sometimes more than once, she missed them so much when she was out on the road. Now that they were both in school, they stayed back in Nashville most of the tour schedule. She was so happy to see their sweet faces.
"Hey, Mom!" Daphne cried.
"Hey, Mom!" Maddie chimed in. "We miss you!"
"I miss you too, babies," she said. "Both of you."
"Is Dad there?" Maddie asked.
"No, he's gone out for a bit. He'll be sorry he missed you." They had decided the girls still weren't quite old enough to understand alcoholism and AA meetings and all that went along with that, so they were somewhat vague about his attending meetings. "What's going on? Are y'all being good for Paw Paw?"
"Yes, but he's so strict, Mom," Daphne whined, a pout on her face. "He won't let us watch but one hour of TV."
She laughed. "You don't get to watch but one hour at our house either," she said. "He's just doing what we say."
Maddie rolled her eyes and sighed. "Whatever. Anyway, you and Dad are gonna be home in time for your anniversary, right?"
She nodded. "Yes, we are. Why?"
Daphne giggled. "It's a secret!" she shouted.
"Be quiet, Daph," Maddie chided, turning to frown at her sister. Then she looked back, the frown replaced with a plastered on smile. "No reason, Mom. Just checking."
Rayna smiled to herself. "Well, you know, girls, all we really want is just to be with the two of you," she said.
"Isn't Dad gonna take you out to dinner someplace special?" Maddie winked.
Rayna laughed. "I don't know. You know your father isn't much for fancy places. I do think he wants to take me to the cabin for one night, though. Y'all okay with that?"
Daphne frowned. "If we can stay with Aunt Tandy instead of Paw Paw, we are."
Rayna acted surprised. "Paw Paw might have his feelings hurt if he heard you say that."
Maddie sighed. "I think he's always glad for us to go home. I think we're too ran…runb…something."
Rayna laughed. "Rambunctious?"
"That's it!" Daphne cried. She made a little 'O' with her mouth. "Oh, and Mom, Maddie's birthday is coming too. Will you and Dad be here then too?"
Rayna knew one day it might raise questions for Maddie that her birthday was so close to their wedding anniversary, but at least for now she didn't seem bothered by it. "Of course we will. We would never miss y'all's birthdays," she said. "When we come home in three weeks, we'll be home until y'all are out of school."
"I am so glad, Mom," Maddie said, sighing like the weight of the world was on her shoulders. "I'm so ready to go home."
Rayna could see Daphne jump up and run to the bedroom door. She opened it a crack, then turned towards the computer screen. "Maddie, it's lunch time, let's go!" she called out.
Maddie looked back a second, then turned back to Rayna. "Bye, Mom, we love you," she said.
"Bye, Mom, we love you!" Daphne yelled. "Tell Dad we love him too!"
Rayna laughed. "Bye, sweeties! I love you both! And Dad loves you too. Talk to you soon." And then the screen went black.
After she'd talked to the girls, Rayna walked over to her purse and pulled out her wallet. She opened it up to the two pictures she carried with her everywhere. One was a family Christmas photo, taken when Daphne was just two and Maddie was six, that was used on the cover of Country Weekly that year. She and Deacon were normally very private with their personal lives, but that year they'd opened the door just a crack and shared some of their family Christmas traditions, along with a dozen other country music families. That their photo had been chosen to grace the cover of the magazine had been both exciting and a little more than they normally liked. They tried to keep their daughters mostly away from the public part of their lives, hoping to give them a more normal childhood. But it always made her smile to see the picture.
She and Deacon were sitting shoulder to shoulder, her arm linked through his. She always thought he looked incredibly handsome in that picture, with his crisp white shirt and black denim vest. He was holding Daphne on his lap and she was laughing and clapping her tiny hands. She had on a cream colored sweater with lots of gold and crystal bling on it, which had been her favorite for several years until one of the girls had thrown up all over it and it had been ruined. But on that day, it gave off a nice, Christmas-y look. Maddie was sitting next to her in her favorite red velveteen jumper and white top, a match to Daphne's outfit. She'd begged not to have to wear her glasses for the photo and Rayna was still struck by how beautiful her oldest daughter was, even at age six. She ran her thumb lovingly over the picture and smiled to herself.
Maddie looked so much like Deacon, with her dark hair and blue eyes. Even her personality was like her father's, serious and introspective. She'd inherited his talent as well, taking to the guitar as though she'd been born to it. Daphne was more like her, with her light colored features and her sunny disposition. Her favorite things to wear were covered in rhinestones and sequins and her youngest loved traipsing around the house in her stage outfits. She smiled again. Her perfect family.
Then she shifted her eyes to the other picture, the one of her and Deacon the day they got married. The happiest day of her life. She had to laugh at how she'd insisted, when they'd had that single picture taken, that she arrange the flowers to cover her almost eight months pregnant belly. It wasn't like they'd hidden the fact she was pregnant when they got married, but she wanted to at least have the appearance of a normal wedding photo. She'd always been grateful that she gained all her weight in her stomach, so, with the flowers, someone looking at the picture would never have been able to tell. And Deacon. Oh, her sweet man. He looked so handsome that day, so happy.
She pulled the wedding photo out, then sat back against the couch and curled her legs up underneath her. She thought back to the weeks and months that had led up to that day, almost eleven years earlier.
~1998-1999~
Rayna looked out the window without seeing what was passing her by, as Tandy drove them to the bridal shop. She felt a little queasy, but it wasn't from the periodic morning sickness she had, but the whole idea of this wedding. She hated to feel this way, because Teddy was being so sweet and caring. Even after she'd very gently told him it was unlikely this baby was his, he had taken a minute to compose himself and then offered to marry her. She'd been surprised at the offer, and initially turned him down, but he'd persisted, telling her he loved her anyway and that he would help her raise this child in a loving, normal environment.
She had thought long and hard about that. Deacon hadn't remembered anything about the night they'd spent at the cabin that had resulted in this baby. When she had gone to see him with the idea of telling him she was pregnant, after she'd found out, he was drunk and out of control. Reluctantly she had come to the realization that trying to build a life with an alcoholic who couldn't stay sober wasn't conducive to raising a family.
She still hadn't wanted to put it on Teddy, but she came to realize he offered her a safe place to land. He was a good man, with a good heart, and she knew he would love her and her baby. So she had finally said yes and then they planned the wedding for four weeks later, when she'd be almost fourteen weeks pregnant.
She'd sent Deacon to a rehab facility in the North Carolina mountains with a long-term program. He'd be gone six months. It would be his fifth try at rehab and she'd asked Coleman to tell him, when he drove him there, that the only way he could get back in her band was to complete the program and commit to making it work. She had very little confidence he could do it, but she hoped he'd take it seriously.
The wedding was in two weeks, at the country club, and she still didn't have a dress. She'd been uninterested in that, uninterested in anything, truth be told. She had moved out of her little apartment and into the small Tudor-style bungalow Teddy lived in, in an old, quiet neighborhood in West End. She was glad he worked all day, so that she could be alone with her thoughts. She cried every day, missing Deacon, angry that he'd put them in this position, and strangely disengaged about her impending wedding and marriage.
"Sweetheart?" Rayna realized Tandy was talking to her and turned to look at her sister. "Are you okay?" Tandy asked, looking concerned.
Rayna shrugged. "Yeah. Just a little tired, I guess."
Tandy smiled encouragingly. "Well, hopefully a little dress shopping will perk you up. We need to find something today."
Rayna smiled back. "I know. We will. I promise."
She had hated all the dresses. Well, that wasn't completely true. There had been a lovely off the shoulder gown, that hugged the body and had a delicate lace overlay, that she had stood in front of, running her hand over it. It was stunning, just the kind of dress she could see herself getting married in, but then she ran her hand down over the slight swell of her belly, knowing she couldn't wear a dress like this, even if it were available. She ended up with a perfectly nice one shoulder gown with a flat bow on the shoulder. It was off-white with a touch of lace on the bodice. It covered her stomach discreetly.
As she'd stood in that dress, looking at herself in the mirror, Tandy standing behind her, she'd started to cry. Tandy had thought it was because she'd loved the dress and she hadn't corrected her. But all she could think about was that she was going to be marrying someone other than Deacon, that she was going to be letting another man raise Deacon's child, and that she and Deacon were pretty much done, no matter the outcome of his rehab.
She felt more and more alone and despondent as the days passed. She felt disloyal every night as she lay in bed next to Teddy and every time he made love to her. She'd wanted to push him away, but she'd forced herself to smile and say all the right things, all the while feeling more and more unhappy.
She spent the night at Tandy's the night before the wedding. She lay in the bed in Tandy's guest room and thought about her wedding the next day and the life she would have after that. She thought about Deacon, away in a rehab facility, not knowing she was getting married, not knowing she was pregnant. She was sure a lot of what she was feeling was hormones, but suddenly she knew there was no way she could marry Teddy Conrad, no matter what the future held. It felt wrong.
She left the brief letter for her sister on the kitchen table. By the time Tandy would read it, she would be halfway to Knoxville, on her way to North Carolina.
Tandy, please tell Teddy I'm so sorry, but I just can't do this. I can't mess up his life, just because mine is messed up. I don't think I can hide the truth from Deacon, but I'm not sure what to do next. I just know for sure this marriage wouldn't be right. I need some time. I'll call you soon. Love, Rayna
As she drove, the sun started to rise over the mountains ahead of her. She put on her sunglasses as she sped over the highway. She had a change of clothes in her trunk and printed directions to the rehab facility on the seat beside her. She knew visiting hours were only on Sunday, so her plan was to find a place to stay nearby and buy the things she needed. Then she would go see Deacon and decide what to do when she did.
As she got farther and farther away from Nashville, she felt the tension seem to slowly leave her body. The weight that had seemed to be riding on her shoulders all but vanished. When she stopped outside of Knoxville to take a break, she turned her phone on. There were many messages from Tandy and from Teddy. She felt a wave of sadness wash over her as she thought about how hurt Teddy would be. He was a sweet, kind man, but she didn't love him and she knew she never would and that was no way to start a marriage. She had no idea what might happen with Deacon, but she knew marrying someone else and pretending he was her baby's father wasn't what she needed.
The town that was near the rehab facility was a typical small town. It had a small, quaint town center area with some shops, a few restaurants, a bank, lawyer's offices, and a bookstore. It was apparently the county seat because there was also a county courthouse at the center of town. There was a small park, nicely shaded, with benches and a multi-purpose swing set/play area, as well as several churches. The homes along the tree-lined streets were well-kept, neat homes. It made her smile. A short walk from the bookstore was a bed-and-breakfast. She parked out front and walked up the steps of the pretty Victorian home onto the porch. She noticed there was a porch swing and it reminded her of the porch swing at the bungalow in East Nashville, where she and Deacon had lived. She felt a lump in her throat thinking about sitting on that porch swing, making out with him.
She shook her head and took a deep breath and then opened the door, walking in to a lovely foyer, with dark wood floors and pale gray walls. "Good afternoon," came the cheery voice of the middle-aged woman sitting at a desk in the corner. She stood up. "May I help you?"
Rayna walked towards her and smiled. "I'd like to get a room, if you have one," she said.
"Well, certainly. How long do you need it for?"
Rayna thought about that. She wasn't sure how long she'd be here. A lot would depend on how things went the next day with Deacon. "Two nights," she said. "But maybe a little longer. I'll know more after tomorrow."
The woman smiled. "We're not real busy right now, so there won't be a problem if you want to extend your stay." She extended her hand. "I'm Lydia, by the way."
Rayna took her hand. "Hey, Lydia. I'm…Alisia Wyatt." She'd decided to use her middle name and birth name so that it would be easier to remember. She had no idea whether people here would know who Rayna Jaymes was, but she didn't want to take any chances.
"I have a lovely room on the second floor that I think you'll like, Ms. Wyatt. It has a very comfortable queen sized bed and a little balcony, which is shaded, and would be nice this time of year."
Rayna smiled again. "That sounds perfect. Thank you."
After she got her bag from the car and the key to the room, she made her way up the steps. Lydia was right. When she opened the door to the room, she was enchanted. It had a beautiful sleigh bed with a wedding ring quilt and an abundance of soft pillows. There was a small sitting area with a love seat and a club chair, covered in an understated floral fabric. The balcony was as advertised, with a small white iron table and chair. The adjacent bathroom had a beautiful claw foot tub. She stretched out on the bed and immediately fell asleep.
After she woke and then stopped at the local diner for a light dinner, Rayna stopped by the bookstore on her way back to the B&B. She picked out a light romance novel and then walked back. She chatted for a few minutes with Lydia, who told her there was a nice breakfast in the morning, and then she walked up the stairs to her room.
She locked the door and then changed into her nightgown. She sat on the loveseat, stretching out the length of it, and turned on the floor lamp so she could read. After a few pages, she realized she wasn't concentrating, and she set it down. She was feeling a little guilty about running out on the wedding and picked up her phone, turning it on. More messages from Tandy. She took a deep breath and called her sister.
"Rayna, where the hell are you?" came Tandy's agitated voice when she answered.
Rayna shook her head. "Hello to you too," she said.
"Seriously, Rayna, where are you? And what possessed you to run out on your wedding?"
"I think I was clear in my letter. And I'm not telling you where I am. I need some time to think."
"Are you with Deacon?"
Rayna sighed. "Deacon's in rehab, Tandy, so I could hardly be with him."
Tandy was quiet for a moment. "Sweetheart, I'm sure we can fix this," she said finally. "And I'm sure Teddy will still be here when you get back."
Rayna bit down on her lip. "Tandy, I'm not going to marry Teddy. It's not the right thing to do. I'll figure this out, for me and for my baby. I just need some time. Can you give me a little bit of time to think about it?"
Tandy sighed. "Of course I can, sweetheart. How long do you think you'll be gone?"
"I don't know. As long as it takes, I guess."
"Will you please stay in touch?"
Rayna smiled to herself. "I will. I promise."
When she disconnected the call, she put her hand on her stomach and looked down. She had decided she probably wouldn't tell Deacon about the baby the next day. She wanted to see how he was doing, find out how the program was going, and how committed he was to it. Then she'd decide on her next step. Of course, all that could be turned on its head, the minute she laid eyes on him.
Rayna dressed carefully the next day. She was fourteen weeks along and already showing a bit, but the full top she wore, that gathered along her hips, disguised that. She wasn't planning on getting close enough to Deacon for him to feel that, so she felt safe in being able to keep it quiet. She drove to the facility and sat in her car for a moment, breathing in and out. She was nervous, but also excited to see Deacon. She had thought a lot about what Cole had told her, after he'd come back from bringing Deacon here. He'd told her she needed to let Deacon go, move on with her life, that if he was going to get better, he needed to do it without her.
She thought about that and whether it was true. She supposed he had always had her to come back to, when things went bad. At least until she'd left the house and fired him, it was true. It was always disappointing when he relapsed and he was always sorry and contrite, but the truth was that each time he fell back into the cycle, it got worse. This last time it had been so bad he'd regularly had blackouts. Sometimes it would just be hours he couldn't recall, but there were periods of time where it would be days. It was the reason she'd wanted to put him in a long-term program, hoping he could learn new habits, new ways of dealing with his addiction.
For a moment, she thought about driving back to the B&B, getting her things, and heading back to Nashville. Why am I doing this? I haven't been able to save him before, why do I think a baby will make the difference? And maybe it wouldn't. Maybe all she could do was just make sure he knew he was going to be a father, just so her conscience was clear. Then she could move on with her life. She put her hands on her stomach, wondering what she should do. Maybe this will be the thing that makes the difference.
She'd come all this way. And she wanted to give him a chance. She opened the door to the car and got out, then walked up to the entrance.
She'd been directed to the visitor's center and she sat on the edge of a chair while she waited. But almost immediately, she couldn't sit still, so she got up and started to pace. There were other patients and their visitors in the room, a low buzz floating through the room. She kept looking at the door that came from the residences, waiting. Finally it opened, and there he was. He looked around, a confused look on his face, and then his eyes landed on her. She could see the mix of surprise and then happiness that crossed his face then, and she smiled.
He hurried over to her. He started to take her in his arms, but she put her hands on his biceps and kept him just far enough away. He smiled, his eyes glistening with tears. "Ray," he whispered. "I didn't know you were coming."
She smiled again. "I just decided. Is it okay?" He looked good. Rested, his eyes clear, his skin color normal. His hands weren't shaking, he looked like the man she always wanted him to be. She took a deep breath as she took him in.
He nodded. "Yeah, yeah, course it is." He looked around. "You wanna sit down?"
"Yeah, that would be great." He took her hand and led her to two chairs, over near a corner. She felt a quiver of excitement, as he threaded his fingers in hers. I've missed this. When they got to the chairs, she sat, and then he sat in the chair opposite her. He looked at her, smiling. "What made you decide to come?"
"I wanted to see how you were doing," she said. She smiled hesitantly. "I wanted to see you." She kept her purse in her lap and fidgeted with the strap. "How are you doing here?"
"Good, good." He leaned a little forward. "I'm so sorry, Ray, for everything."
She shook her head. "I just want you to get better, Deacon. It's important that you get better."
He nodded. "I know. And I'm gonna do it this time. I promise." She couldn't help but wonder. He'd made promises every other time, promises he couldn't keep. But it was more important this time. She wanted him to be able to do this for their baby. "I know everything's at stake this time, Ray. I know I promised you a thousand times I could do this and I didn't. But this time it'll be different."
"How do you know that? Why is this time going to be any different than the last?"
He bit down on his lip and looked away. "I wanna make you proud of me, Ray. You been there all that time and I disappointed you." He looked back at her. "This time I ain't gonna do that." He breathed out. "It ain't gonna be easy, but I'm determined. I gotta do this."
When she got back to the B&B, she was drained. Part of that, she knew, was being pregnant. She'd been more tired lately. But she and Deacon had talked for hours, like they hadn't really talked in years. About his journey, but also about the future, performing together, being able to write together again. Reminiscing, memories of the old days. She had left feeling encouraged, that he really seemed to be ready to make this time work.
She laid down on the bed and wondered what to say to him about the baby. How to tell him. What would come next. She couldn't forget the pain of being with him. The doubts, the uncertainties, the fear and terror of not knowing where he was. Or not knowing if he was alive. She had lived on the edge for so many years, terrified of not knowing where he was, but afraid he'd resent her if she hovered too close. She'd cried until she'd made herself sick, spent more sleepless nights than she could count wondering where he was or sitting beside him in a hospital room.
There's no crystal ball, my sweet girl. You have to throw caution to the wind and follow your heart. It's the only thing that matters. She felt tears spring to her eyes as she remembered those words of her mother's. She'd said some variation of that, to Rayna and to Tandy, for years. It had become her mantra, the words she'd always lived by. Until she'd seen those two pink lines on the pregnancy test and thought that following her heart was what had gotten her there and that maybe listening to her head would serve her much better in the end.
Rayna decided to stay, but she wanted a space of her own, so Lydia had recommended someone who could find her a small place where she could stay for as long as she needed to. She drove to Asheville and bought herself some clothes and then she moved from the B&B to the small little two bedroom bungalow on a quiet street three blocks off the main thoroughfare. She'd called Bucky and told him where she was, knowing he would protect her privacy. Her album would drop within weeks and they would just have to see how it would perform without her doing any publicity.
The next Sunday, she again dressed carefully, then drove to the rehab facility. Deacon again looked surprised to see her, although not as surprised as the week before. He leaned in to kiss her cheek, although she still didn't let him get too close. "Why are you here again?" he asked, as they sat at opposite ends of a couch. "You checking up on me?"
Rayna shook her head. "No. I wanted to see you. I do want to see how you're doing, but I'm not checking up on you."
"Don't you got an album you need to promote or something? You can't keep coming over here." He frowned.
She shrugged. "I'm taking a little break right now. I, well, I wanted to be able to spend some time with you, so I'm renting a little place near here."
He raised his eyebrows. "I don't get it. Why would you do that?"
She sighed. "You're important to me, Deacon. I've realized lately just how much. I mean, I love you. That hasn't changed."
He shifted in his seat and moved a little closer to her. "But I thought you was dating that Teddy Conrad."
She nodded. "I was. But now I'm not." She made a face. "Actually, last weekend, when I came here, I was supposed to be in Nashville marrying Teddy. But I changed my mind."
He looked stunned. "What? I don't understand."
She breathed out and then looked down at her hands in her lap. "Well, he was going to do that. Marry me. And I was grateful, really, but it just didn't feel right." She looked up at him.
He frowned. "I don't get it, Ray. You make it sound like it was some kinda business deal or something."
She sighed. "I guess it kind of was." She paused and bit her lip. "Deacon, I'm pregnant. That's why Teddy and I were gonna get married."
He didn't say anything for a minute, just looked at her. "I don't get it then," he said finally. "If he's the father…."
She interrupted him. "That's just it, he's not. You are."
He looked like he'd been punched in the gut, struggling for air. "How is that even possible, Ray?" he asked, finally. "We been broke up for months."
She fidgeted with her hands. "Actually the fact you don't remember is exactly how it's possible. We were together, at the cabin, and then you got drunk. That's how it's possible." She tried to be gentle, because she knew that would hurt him.
He looked like he was gasping for air. His eyes looked a little wild as he looked at her, struggling for understanding, trying desperately to remember something. "I don't know what to say," he said.
She looked at him encouragingly. "I think we just move forward from here, Deacon. We're going to be parents and I hope we can figure out how to do that together. That's why I want to be close by."
He moved closer to her and took her hand. "Should we get married or something? I wanna do right by you, Ray. Whatever you need."
She squeezed his hand and gave him a tiny smile. "I think we can take some time to figure it out. I don't want to do something that will hold you back here. I want you to really do this right, make this work, so you can be a real father to our baby."
He breathed in. "So, how far…."
"Fifteen weeks. Pretty soon I won't be able to hide it. Another good reason to be here. I can be off the grid and you can work on this program and we can see how things go."
He ran his eyes over her, as though he was trying to figure out how he'd missed seeing it. He was breathing in and out. Then he looked at her and frowned. "So here's what I don't get. You said you were gonna marry Teddy, that he was gonna do that for you. Why did you tell him and not tell me?"
This was the part she knew would be hard. She pulled her hands gently away from his and folded them in her lap. "I was going to tell you, when I found out. I went to tell you, but, well, when I found you, you were drunk. You were at the cabin and you were out of control and drinking. I was scared, Deacon. I mean, I was pregnant and I knew it had to be yours, but I was scared. I was scared to raise a baby like that, so I decided not to tell you then." She took a deep breath. "I talked to Teddy about it and he knew I was scared and he offered to marry me and raise the baby as his own." She could see Deacon getting angry. "But I couldn't do it, Deacon. It wasn't right. I wanted to give you a chance."
He scowled. "So you woulda not told me? Lied to me?" He started to stand up, but she reached for his arm.
"Deacon, please. I made a mistake. I'm trying to make it up to you. I came to talk to you about it. It didn't sit right with me and so I'm trying to make it right." She swallowed hard. "I know you're hurt that I didn't tell you first, but I want you to think about the future, not the past. Think about our baby and about raising him or her up together."
She was glad to see the anger start to dissipate and then she saw all the emotions playing across his face, as his eyes got wet with tears. "I wanna do the right thing, Ray. I do. I love you, baby."
She felt tears in her own eyes. She moved closer to him and took his hand and laid it on her stomach. She smiled at him. "That's our baby," she whispered.
He laughed and cried at the same time as he let her hold his hand against her. Then he leaned in to kiss her and she moved her hands to wrap them around his neck, running her fingers through the hair on the back of his neck. He slid his hands around her waist, pulling her closer. She melted into him as she felt his lips against hers and his tongue tangled with her own. I've missed this so much. He finally pulled his lips from hers, almost reluctantly, leaning against her forehead. "Thank you, baby," he whispered. "Thank you for telling me."
She smiled and then laughed. "I want us to do this together, babe." She brushed his lips with hers. "I love you so much," she whispered, and then let him kiss her again.
"I love you too, baby." He breathed in. "We're gonna do this, Ray," he said. "I'm gonna be right by your side. I promise."
As the days and weeks went by, Rayna felt more certain she'd done the right thing in telling Deacon about the baby. She'd been afraid the days between visits would stretch out long and hard, but soon she was filling them up, first with phone interviews with radio stations, which Bucky had arranged so that they didn't lose momentum on her album, and she'd started participating in the family program at the rehab center. She met with a counselor privately to talk about how to support Deacon in his sobriety and she and Deacon met with her once a week to start to build the family foundation they would need once he left rehab.
She also made several trips to Asheville to buy clothes for herself and then to start buying tiny baby clothes. Her doctor had recommended an ob/gyn in the Asheville area and she had her first appointment a few weeks after she had arrived. When she went to visit Deacon the next Sunday, she had the ultrasound picture in her hand when he came into the visitor room. She held it out to him before he could even kiss her.
"What's this?" he said, looking at the picture with confusion.
She grinned and pointed. "That's our baby, Deacon," she said. He stared at where she was pointing. "Our baby girl."
He looked up at her and a grin crossed his face, as tears filled his eyes. "A girl?" he said. "We're having a girl?"
She nodded. "Yeah." She pointed again at the picture. "That's our daughter," she whispered.
He laughed out loud and then he put his arms around her, picking her up and twirling her around in his excitement. She laughed along with him and then he stopped, letting her slide down to the floor, and he found her lips, kissing her deeply. "Thank you," he said, finally, against her lips. His eyes filled with tears again. "Thank you for all this."
She put her hand on his cheek. "I want you to get well for her. I want you to stay well for her. This is important, Deacon. For her. For us. I need you to do this with me. I want you to." He nodded. "I love you, babe."
He leaned down and kissed her. "I love you too, Ray," he whispered.
It was late November, just after Thanksgiving, and Rayna was sitting at the little kitchen table, having a cup of tea. She and Deacon had had their joint counseling session the day before and, for the first time, it had been stressful and hard. The reality of their situation was beginning to chafe, at both of them, but at Deacon most of all. He wasn't free to be with her, to do the things most expectant fathers would do, like go to doctor appointments with her and prepare for the baby to come. He'd asked her again about getting married, but she didn't want to do that as long as he was in rehab, and he didn't want to wait. She still didn't know for sure that's where they would end up. A lot would depend on the rest of his time in rehab. And he wanted to be close to her, make love to her, but that wasn't possible, which actually made them both grumpy.
She felt the baby kick just then and she smiled, putting her hand on her belly where she could feel it. Deacon had gotten to feel that the day before and it had made him wistful and then angry with himself for not being able to be there for her. They had argued and then he had withdrawn, the way he often did when things got tough. But before she left, he'd pulled her close and kissed her, whispering how sorry he was.
Her phone buzzed then and she saw it was Tandy. She hesitated for just a moment before answering. "Hey, Tandy," she said.
"Hey, sweetheart. How are you?"
She sighed. "I'm good. Everything's good."
"Everything good with the baby?"
"It's perfect."
"So, are you coming home for Christmas? Or ever?"
She made a face. "I'll be home eventually. But this has been really good time away for me. I'm really clearing my head and figuring out what's next."
Tandy was quiet for a moment. "Are you where Deacon is? I know you put him in rehab again. Is that where you are?"
Rayna didn't like the tone she heard in her sister's voice. "Tandy, don't you worry about where I am. I'm safe. That's what matters. And I'm taking care of the baby. We're both getting some peace, which is exactly what we need."
Tandy made a little hmph noise. "Well, I thought I would tell you Teddy's seeing someone new."
Rayna rolled her eyes. "That's nice. I'm glad for him."
"It's his old college sweetheart, Peggy somebody."
"I'm glad he's moving on." And she was. She felt more committed to Deacon as each week passed by and everything that had gone on with Teddy seemed so far in the past. She rarely thought about him anymore.
"When will you be home, babe?"
Rayna sighed. "Before the baby's born. I promise."
The Sunday after Christmas, Deacon was in a foul mood when he met Rayna in the visitor's center. Her own emotions were very close to the surface, after spending Christmas Day alone, missing him. It was a cold day and the brand new cashmere sweater she'd bought felt snuggly warm as she waited for him. But when he came through the door, she could see the dark scowl on his face, and that made her nervous. "Hey, babe," she said, with a tentative smile on her face. He said nothing, just gave her a quick kiss, and then sat down. She furrowed her eyebrows as she sat beside him. "What's wrong?"
He breathed out and then he looked at her. "Everything, Ray," he said tersely. "Everything is wrong. Me being in here and not with you, that's wrong."
"You don't have much longer…."
"I'm good, Ray. I don't know what six more weeks is gonna do that hadn't already been done. I need to be out of here, be with you. Getting ready for this baby. I'm missing everything." He looked at her and the anger in his eyes turned to sadness. He slid closer to her and rested his hand on her belly. "I'm missing all of this."
She sighed and then she covered his hand with her own. "No, you're not, Deacon. I'm right here, with you. I came here to stay so you could be part of this."
He shook his head. "I see you two times a week. I'm not getting to go to the doctor with you or help you get things ready or hold you at night or tell you you're beautiful when you think you're not."
She smiled at him. "How did you know that sometimes I just feel fat?"
He smiled back and kissed her. "I know you, baby." He frowned again. "But I don't wanna miss any more. I can do this, Ray. Tell them to let me out so I can be with you."
"Deacon, the deal was that you stay here the full six months."
"But that was before I knew you were pregnant. You told me when you first came here you needed me. And I need you too. Especially now. But I can't do that when I'm in here."
He huffed and then stood up, walking over towards the window, his hands on his hips. She got up and walked over to him, standing behind him and putting her hands on his arms. "You can do this, Deacon. You need to do this. I know you feel like you're missing stuff, but in six weeks, I'll still be pregnant. There's still so much we'll have to do to get ready for her. And you'll be there for all the really important things, like when she's born."
He turned around and took her hands. "Marry me, baby. Please marry me. Now."
She shook her head. "I'm not going to marry you in a rehab center. I don't want to do that."
He breathed in and looked at her with immense sadness in his eyes. "Do you want to marry me at all?" he asked.
She had thought about that a lot in the time she'd been in North Carolina. There had been a time when that's all she'd ever wanted. But things had gotten hard and she had questioned that. And yet, when he'd asked her at the cabin that night when she'd gotten pregnant, she'd said yes, because, in spite of everything, she loved him fully and completely. But now that there was a baby, she'd had to think carefully about that, about whether that was the right thing, for her and for their daughter.
She had watched him closely, every time she visited, every joint therapy session, listening for evidence that he was going to make this work. They'd talked a lot about what he was going to do once he was released, how he would make this time work when he couldn't do it before. The reality of their baby had figured heavily in those conversations and she very much wanted to believe that his commitment to their daughter would help him stay sober for the long haul. She knew it was a risk, though, that it would probably be a long time before she relaxed about it, and that even then there were no guarantees.
She looked deep into his eyes and then she smiled. "Yes. I do want to marry you. When you leave here, I want to marry you," she said.
He looked at her as though he couldn't quite believe it and then a smile crossed his face. He reached for her and pulled her in as close as he could and kissed her hungrily.
The day they got married dawned cold but clear. There was still snow on the ground from the snowstorm that hit the area the day after Deacon was released from rehab. Rayna had been there, waiting for him, and had taken him back to the little house she'd been staying in. They'd hardly noticed the snow falling, as they'd spent most of the next two days getting reacquainted. He'd been fascinated with all the changes in her body, but mostly he was just happy to be able to love her the way he'd wanted to ever since she'd first come to see him.
She was standing in the tiny bathroom fixing her hair when he came in and kissed her on the cheek. "You look beautiful, baby," he said.
She turned to look at him, dressed in jeans, a white shirt, and a black vest. She smiled up at him. "You look very handsome," she responded. She reached her hands up to his face and pulled him to her for a kiss.
He rested his hands on her hips. "We're really gonna do this, huh?"
She nodded. "Yeah, we are."
"Are you happy, Ray?" he asked.
"Very happy," she answered, with a smile.
He took a deep breath and then let it out. "Baby, from here on out, I'm gonna do right by you. I'm gonna love you the way you deserve and be the best man I can be for you and our girl."
She felt tears spring to her eyes as she gazed up at him. "I know you are. I can't wait to be your wife." Then he leaned in and kissed her softly and she knew she'd never been happier in her life.
It had been a very simple ceremony at one of the local churches. Rayna had let the minister's wife take one picture of the two of them. They had stopped for lunch and then went back to the house and, undressing each other quickly, had wrapped themselves up in the sheets and each other. She thought it could not have been more perfect than if they had had a large wedding with everyone they knew and a fancy honeymoon. The only person she'd needed there was him. And their daughter, of course. They finished out the week in the little house, getting out of bed just to eat.
She knew Deacon was anxious to put this part of his life behind him, but, as they drove out of town, headed back to Nashville, she felt a vague sadness, knowing this time in their lives was over. It had been as though they'd been wrapped up in a little cocoon and, even though he'd been in rehab most of that time, it felt like it was just the two of them. The rest of the world didn't intrude and they'd had time to work on the things that mattered. And now they were headed home, to wait for their daughter, to be a family, the way they were always meant to be.
~2010~
Rayna looked again at the picture. She smiled at how young they looked. We looked so happy, so ready for the future. Nothing was ever completely easy for the two of them, but doing it together had made it all worthwhile. Of course, there had been all the recriminations from Tandy and her father when they'd come back to Nashville married. The fact that she was eight months pregnant had been fodder for the gossip magazines for a few weeks. But just as she'd told Deacon, there was plenty to do to get ready for Madeline Virginia Claybourne, the name they'd decided on the last day they were in North Carolina. Although she had some clothes for the baby, she had nothing else, and they'd spent many hours choosing baby furniture and getting all the little things a newborn needed.
He'd taken such good care of her, attending to her every need. The day she went into labor, he'd been frantic, running around trying to finish up all the things still not complete before they headed for the hospital. Everything they'd gone through, all the work they'd put in to get to that point, had been worth it when she'd watched him hold Maddie for the first time. She had smiled as she'd watched him tearfully kiss their tiny daughter softly on her forehead and tell her how much he loved her. And the second time around, when Daphne came, it was just as special.
The door to the suite opened just then and she looked up to see Deacon walk in. She smiled at him. "Hey, babe," she said.
He walked over to sit next to her, planting a kiss on her lips. "Hey." He reached for her hand. "What you got?" He pulled the photo from her fingers and smiled. "Wow. We look a little scared there."
She laughed. "Really? Scared? I just thought we looked excited." She leaned in and brushed her lips against his. "Were you scared?"
He grinned. "Damn straight." He shook his head, looking at the ceiling, then back at her. "I mean, you were eight months pregnant and I didn't know what to do. I was so scared I'd screw it all up."
She gave him a look of surprise. "After all that talk about wanting to be a part of everything? You were worried?"
He nodded. "Damn, baby, back then, more than anything, I just wanted to get you in bed. God, I'd missed you so much."
She pretended to be shocked. "So it wasn't that you wanted to support me and be a father to our baby, it was that you wanted sex?"
He laughed. "It was all of that, Ray. But, damn, that was hard. Looking at you every time you came to visit and not being able to do nothing about it."
She leaned in to kiss him. "It's a good thing I love you so much." She ran her fingers through his hair. "I do think we have a little time before we need to leave for sound check though."
He grinned at her, then stood up, taking her by the hand and led her back to the bedroom.