Ghost music plays in the background of my mind. Dusty old keys jammed into position try to alter their fate. The yellowing teeth of the piano stare at me with a smile like a skull's. The black faded to grey, the white has gone to a murky yellow. But the song is the same - it still plays its unearthly melody gently in my heart. It will never fade away. It will never get tainted. That is the only thing in me that cannot be touched.
It has been years - 10, 15, 20. But I will never forget that night. The lights. The waltz. The magic in the air. Her hair. Her eyes. Even if she was dancing with another man. There was noise. Noise of the crowd, the sound of happiness, of painful shyness, of half-eaten sweets and expectation. Of dances that haven't started yet, of hearts that hadn't been broken, of tears unshed.
I was standing in the shadows as usual. I was Black then, just as I am Black now. It hasn't always been my colour. I guess I could have picked another one, but by the time I have decided to discard the faded grey it seemed like the only one left - the only one that suited me. So I've worn it like an armour ever since, cladding myself in it, making it my second skin. Until I could no longer separate them anymore. Until it slowly sunk deeper, seeped through my skin, into my blood, into my bones, into my soul. With every heartbeat darkness is pumped out of my core to fill my being. I resent my heart for beating.
It wasn't so bad then. I have just picked the colour out and was getting used to it when Christmas arrived. And with it the Ball. I wanted to ask her, but I was terribly afraid she'd say no. I was quite confident I could never endure it. So I waited. And planned. And watched. Her, mostly. How she smiled at Him, how she excused herself when I was sitting next to her in the park, how she seemed to think about something else, anything else, everything else when I was beside her. How she stopped really caring. And I knew. As I watched her run to her room and dress up for him I knew. Knew how He would get her while I was left behind, forgotten. How she will dance with him all night and I will watch, unable to take my eyes off her even though every smile she gave him was a drop of poison in my veins.
And I did. Watch. It was all I seemed to be doing in those days. I was reduced to a shade, not speaking, not really thinking, just looking for answers. For other colours available. There seemed to be none. So I held Black tighter around me and slowly, steadily became it. It was in all my thoughts, all my actions, in every breath I took. And I embraced it. How could I not? It seemed the only way to survive. Even though I wasn't sure I wanted to anymore. But it seems like I had an underlying urge to stay alive. And so I only died inside.
I didn't even realise it at first. Not when I watched someone die for the first time and shed no tears, no sighs, no thoughts. Not when I started to feel cold with the sunshine on my face. Not when I stopped sleeping and roamed the streets in the dark. No, I've realised it when I looked at Her face again and felt something sharp prick me in the area where my heart should be. I felt my breath catch in my throat and tears sting my eyes as I trembled, begging silently for her to look at me. She didn't. She never did. Not since that night at the ball.
So I've decided to turn away, leave it behind, leave the pain and the feelings and run back to where I came from. Look for the darkness. I watched more people die, I've killed a few of them myself, but I didn't care anymore. I was a mercenary in the service of Death and I accepted my fate. I accepted that I won't ever belong anywhere else, but here. So I did what I was told, bowed my head and ignored the flashes of white-hot pain that seemed to come every now and then to remind me that perhaps I wasn't as dead as I thought. Well, I will prove them wrong. I wasn't interested in life anymore. Not when she didn't realize I was still here. Or maybe she didn't realize it because I wasn't really here...
I shook my head and tried to make the music stop. It wouldn't have any effect. It never did. If anything, the invisible piano seemed to play louder, faster, with more passion. I will never be able to leave this corner of my mind behind. A dark room with a single disintegrating piano playing a never-ending song from the time when I was sixteen. So young to have lost everything.
Still, as the melody slowly starts to fade away I stand up and move towards the door. There are souls to be taken, bodies to be broken and smiles that need to be frozen in an eternal grimace of horror. I will not let anyone deter me. Especially not Her. I cannot hate her, but I can ignore her. I cannot ignore my mind but I can try. I cannot breathe but I cannot die. It doesn't matter. It never should have.