AN: I do not own The Slayers, I just play in the sandbox.
The chest of drawers was bothering her. Before having a baby, Lina had never noticed just how sharp their corners were. Even though she was seated in a rocking chair across the room from them nursing a ravenous Lucia, horrid mental images of Lucia being dropped and her head hitting one of those corners flooded her.
The bottom drawer had been left slightly open when Lina, in her rush to find another burping clothe, had grabbed one and not closed it properly. Now it was bothering her like a speck of dirt trapped in one's eye. She wanted it closed, but only two days after becoming a mother, her powers had still not returned. She could have yelled for Gourry, but Lucia had finally fallen asleep and she didn't want to wake her by yelling. Her milk had come in and Sylphiel had told her that she'd be able to put Lucia down to sleep more successfully if she let her unlatch on her own. Hours later, Lina was still waiting for that blessed event to occur.
With what seemed to be his uncanny ability to read her mind, Gourry poked his head into the nursery and asked quietly, "Still nursing?"
Lina nodded, "Could you close that drawer?"
He did as asked, and Lina relaxed a little. It was silly how such a little thing like an opened chest of drawers could provoke such anxiety now. "Thanks. We should be finished here any minute. Going to bed?"
"If you don't mind."
"I'll join you once I get her down."
Gourry kissed his wife and daughter gently and then wandered off to his room. Lina rocked back and forth, trying to keep herself awake. She peered at the sleeping face nuzzled against her breast and wondered when she was going to finally finish. They had been sitting there for hours!
After ten more minutes Lina finally decided to hell with what Sylphiel had suggested and unlatched Lucia. Her pink lips smacked and puckered and Lina gently rose from the chair. As Lina tiptoed across the room, the infant's back arched and she let out an ear splitting scream. With a sigh, Lina sat back down, cradled Lucia correctly in the nook of her arm, and got her latched on again. She'd already eaten so much, surely she couldn't nurse for too much longer…
Lina woke with a start, and realized that she must have fallen asleep in the rocking chair. She looked down to find that Lucia was still nursing contentedly. Groaning, and knowing she was going to be terribly sore in the morning, Lina stretched as best as she could without disturbing the baby. She looked out the window and tried to gauge the time by the position of the stars. Depending on how you looked at it, it was either very late in the evening or very early in the morning.
Feeling exhausted, depleted, and very thirsty, she once again unlatched Lucia. Surely after nursing for ten hours straight she would be full. She was not. As she opened her mouth and let out a scream so loud that she turned as purple as her hair, Lina felt a strong urge to join her tantrum. Her nipples were sore, and the thought of putting Lucia back on her breast was too much, so she decided to gently bounce her to see if it would lull her back to sleep. She glanced at the window, this time not to figure out what time it was but to wonder how bad it really would be if she just tossed her out of it.
Fortunately Gourry came in. "Do you want me to take her for awhile?"
"What can you do, you can't feed her!" Lina snapped as she hoisted Lucia on her shoulder and attempted to burp her. Right then the burden of being the only one who could feed her seemed to sink in like spilt ink. It was terribly unfair.
"A bit of night air might do the trick. You get some sleep!" he said as he grabbed the wailing infant and left the room.
For some reason, the thought of letting Lucia out of her sight was making her feel strangely panicky. She was Lucia's mother. She had to take care of her! The compulsion she felt to take care of her seemed stronger than any force of nature she had ever encountered. It ripped through her exhaustion and seized hold of her higher reasoning. "But I'm the only one who can feed her!" Lina once again insisted.
Gourry ignored her as he opened the front door, "You'll be able to care for her better once you've cared of yourself a little. Get some rest."
He was almost out of the door when she said, "What if bandits attack?"
"Get some sleep!"
The bit of night air did not do the trick, but Gourry was determined to stay out there long enough to let Lina get a few hours of sleep at least. After practically running a marathon for forty hours to give birth, she had not had the chance to rest up and recover like she should. Instead she was up every few hours to feed the baby. Evidently, stopping to rest on one's laurels over the amazing achievement of bringing a child into the world just didn't happen, as said child required a lot of work to be kept alive.
Gourry smiled apologetically to some of the guards as he passed and wandered over to the gardens. It was a pleasantly warm night with a cool, refreshing breeze infused with the smell of the orchids that were in bloom. Lucia didn't seem to care about the flowers or pleasant night. Gently bouncing her did nothing. Singing to her did not calm her. And every now and then to Gourry's dismay, she would turn her face to his chest and try to suckle on him through his shirt.
"I'm not a woman!" Gourry said firmly as she made another attempt to nurse with him, letting out a fresh scream of frustration when she did not get the food she so desperately sought. "You are just like your mother, though. She likes her food, too."
He looked towards the east and noticed that the horizon was starting to transition from pale purple to brilliant orange. By his calculations he'd managed to get Lina a few hours of uninterrupted sleep at least. It wasn't much, but he was starting to feel guilty about depriving his daughter's needs for his wife's. "Let's get you back to your mother."
Lina knew she should be asleep. Yet she also knew from her prior experience with sleep deprivation that sometimes when you needed sleep the most it was the hardest to come by. She had been keeping herself awake through extreme exhaustion for so long that even though she was telling herself it was okay to sleep, her body didn't seem to get the message.
Worse still was the fact that she could hear Lucia screaming from the gardens. Sure, she could close the damn windows, but somehow it didn't seem right. Guilt gnawed at her, even as she wondered why she was torturing herself in this manner. Surely she deserved some sleep!
Yet the compulsion to care for her daughter and the guilt over neglecting her was so strong that she was about ready to go out and take her back from Gourry. She knew he meant well, but this wasn't working…
She had actually drifted off the moment that Gourry had come back into the palace. Most likely during the time that he was making his way back to their apartments Lucia's cries finally got muffled by the heavy palace walls, allowing her the sleep she so desperately needed. Figures.
Lina didn't even bother to get out of bed, "Set her here." She commanded when he returned. Sylphiel had said something about nursing using a side lying position in bed. Now she was going to try it.
The day that Lucia was born Sylphiel had attempted to teach her how to do it, but after mastering nursing while sitting up, the thought of figuring out how to do it while lying down seemed strangely intimidating, and she had refused. Yet now as she went through the awkwardness of trying to remember what Sylphiel had explained while juggling a fussy newborn, Lina wished that she had taken to time to learn it. Still, she had enough of her pride left to keep her from asking Gourry to wake Sylphiel up and show her how it was done. And eventually she figured it out on her own.
She ignored the discomfort that resulted as Lucia latched on, thinking it was a damn good thing that she couldn't use magic. Her nipples were aching from being distended and suckled on for so long, but according to Sylphiel casting a healing spell would be a bad thing because it wouldn't allow them to toughen up to withstand nursing. Still, she thought and she bit back tears, the relief would be welcome.
Lina woke several times to switch sides, but even with those brief interruptions it was the best sleep she had had since going into labor. It was not the deep, restorative sleep she sought, but it was better than nothing. She looked down in disbelief to see Lucia wide awake and nursing eagerly. "You're not full yet!?" she exclaimed, only to have the infant bite down with a wild and voracious look in her eyes.
Lina flinched, "That hurts, you know!"
Lucia's deep blue eyes met her mother's and offered no apology. Yet Lina got lost in the inquiring look within them. It was hard to stay mad at something so cute. Had she really wanted to throw her out the window just a few hours earlier? Lina shuddered to think about where her thoughts had tread. She gingerly reached out to stroke the soft, silky violet hair that covered her head. Had she ever felt something so soft?
Gourry silently opened the door, bringing her out of her reverie. Seeing that she was awake he said, "Sylphiel is here."
"Tell her to get her butt in here!" Lina ordered, "I want to talk to her."
Gourry left and was shortly replaced by Sylphiel, "How is it going?"
Lina sat up, carrying Lucia with her as she did. "She eats!"
"So your milk has come in?"
"Yes, and all she has done since then is eat!"
Sylphiel nodded, "Well, that's normal. It helps to build the milk supply and…"
Lina's eyebrow started ticking nervously, "You mean it's normal for her to eat constantly for hours upon hours with no break?"
Sylphiel furrowed her brow, "Well, sometimes four hours isn't unheard of…"
"It's been longer than four hours! She never gets full! She never unlatches! She eats and she eats and if she's not eating she's crying! Her stomach must have a hole in it where all of the food leaks out!" Lina yelled.
Sylphiel hesitated before offering, "Well, she does seem a little on the extreme end, but nursing does take a lot of time."
"It's taking all of my time!" Lina screamed.
"Is there anything I can do?" she offered.
Lina fumed for a minute as she positioned herself on the bed so that she was more comfortable. She then looked over at the thick leather bound book that was on her nightstand. "I tried to read that yesterday while nursing her, but it was so heavy and it wore my wrist out trying to read it with one hand."
Sylphiel smiled and picked up the book and opened it to the marked page and began to read.
Lucia screamed so intently that she turned purple from head to toe. He looked over at Lina who seemed to be relishing in the brief freedom of not having Lucia attached to her chest, "Is it okay that she turns purple like that?"
"Sylphiel said it's normal."
Slightly unconvinced, Gourry turned his attention back to the task at hand: changing the diaper of a hungry newborn. Though how she could still be hungry after Lina had spent 22 out of the last 24 hours feeding her was beyond his understanding.
Taking the soiled diaper off was the easy part. Getting her to relax her legs enough to put on a fresh one was another matter. He felt like an ant trying to move a boulder. Her legs would not yield. And though he was a strong man, the last thing he wanted to do was inadvertently harm his daughter by handling her too roughly. She didn't share the same concerns about him, though.
Lina grinned deviously as she noticed his struggle, "You could help!" he said.
"Every minute you spend with her is one more minute of freedom me and my breasts have."
Gourry finally got the diaper on and pinned. "Ha!"
Lucia did not seem as impressed with her father's achievements as she drew in air once more for another scream. "Doesn't her throat get sore?" he asked.
"You'd think." Lina said as she steeled herself for another marathon nursing session.
There was a knock on the door, followed by Amelia's cheerful entrance, "Good afternoon! How's the happy family?"
Gourry handed Lucia to Lina, who leaned back on the couch and once again silenced her cries by latching her on her breasts. "Tired."
Amelia sat beside Lina, "Miss Sylphiel says that she's been eating like a champ."
"And then some. She hasn't stopped eating. It's all she does!"
Amelia smiled, "Well, that's just what I would expect from any baby of yours!"
Lina scowled, "Keep this up and I'll knock your teeth in."
"I sent the birth announcements out. I guess you're going to be taking dinner up here again?"
Lina sighed, "Yes."
While on the one hand she relished the company of seeing everyone, on the other nursing an infant and eating with a large audience was a little intimidating. Especially as she had yet to find a way to eat while nursing Lucia that did not leave her covered in crumbs. Further, the dining tables downstairs did not have armrests, making nursing problematic in and of itself. Though, she figured if she really wanted to she could have a couch dragged in there…
"Well, Zel and I were thinking of taking dinner up here as well tonight. If you don't mind."
Lina brightened noticeably, "No, that would be nice. How is Benny doing?"
Amelia smiled warily, "Two steps forward, three steps back. I finally thought he was getting used to me a little and to like me, but this morning he threw a huge tantrum as if possessed. I honestly wanted to drop him off at someone's doorstep."
Lina smiled in solidarity. "So it's not just me."
The days passed, and Lucia still ate. Lina was starting to feel as though she was attached to her chest. Aside from a few brief breaks for diaper changes and to switch sides, she had been nursing nonstop.
Lina sighed as she thought about all of the things she could be doing. She could be traveling to exotic locations. She could be shopping for magic items. She could be reading or writing. Hell, she could even be cleaning the damn apartment. But no, she was stuck on the couch nursing a little tyrant.
And yet she was so tired and exhausted that she knew good and well that even if she wasn't nursing she would be napping.
At least Sylphiel was right about a few things. Her nipples had toughened up and adjusted to the constant strain they were under. And her supply was firmly established. And though her friends made frequent trips to see her and break the monotony of the days, she was still tired of nursing and longed to escape.
Suddenly she felt strangely itchy. It was an itch that went deep down below her skin and to her bones. She twitched uncomfortably as a fierce panic seized her. She was tired of constantly being skin to skin with her daughter. A deep seated need to have her own space and her own body back gripped her and she tried to scoot away from her daughter without actually breaking the latch.
It seemed as if her skeleton wanted to burst through her skin and run off through the window! Lina had never felt so ill at ease within her own body. Once again she twitched awkwardly, trying to establish her own space, but Lucia, sensing her food source moving away from her, grabbed Lina's robe and pulled her back towards her, causing Lina to shiver. Sitting still seemed impossible and ridiculous!
Was it possible to be touched by another person for too long? Was this what happened when a person did not have their own personal body space? Lina felt as though she were going both out of her body and mind. Her discomfort was so strong that it was practically painful.
Tears welled in her eyes as she realized she was either going to have to deal with the discomfort or deal with her daughter's screams if she stopped feeding her. What type of a mother was she if she couldn't get her daughter full enough to take a break from nursing for a few hours? What kind of a mother was she if she couldn't deal with the itching she was feeling to see that her needs were met? Would she be the most selfish person in the world if she let Lucia cry with hunger until she settled down?
"You know, I've been wanting to take my little girl for another walk." Gourry said gently, nearly causing Lina to jump straight off the couch. When had he come in?
The part of her that thought that a good mother would protest and see that her child was completely fed before handing her to someone who could not feed her got kicked in the head by the part that needed some time to herself. Faster than she had ever moved before she handed Lucia to Gourry and ran into her bedroom. She tried to block out the screams that came from the living room as she beat down her guilt. What was she, a mother or a martyr?
Finally they left and Lucia's screams became a distant sound that extinguished altogether. Lina took some deep and calming breaths. The itchy feeling had subsided a little, but it was still strong. She couldn't seem to keep still. Thoughts about whether or not it was normal was displaced by the overwhelming urge just to have it go away as she crawled into bed and threw the covers off. Was she going insane?
Sylphiel shuddered at the memory, "It happens to every mother. And it's horrible."
"So I'm not going crazy?" Lina clarified. Once again Lucia was back on her breast, but long after Gourry had given her a few precious hours to herself to calm down.
Sylphiel smiled gently, "No. There's always too much of a good thing. Even things like water and air are deadly in too great amounts. The same thing with touch. It can feel like you're going out of your mind when you're overstimulated with it."
"I thought I was! I never want to feel anything like it…"
The door slammed open, causing both women to jump. A short woman with greying red hair flew in so fast that she was practically a blur. Without saying a word, she grabbed Lucia from Lina and sat down with her on the couch, "My grandbaby!" she screamed in delight as Lucia yelled in anger.
Lina blinked a few times, "Mom?"
"Go away, I want to bond with my granddaughter!"
"I think I should be going." Sylphiel said, "Nice to see you again, Mrs. Inverse."
"Mom," Lina repeated once Sylphiel had left, "What are you doing here?"
"Well, did you honestly expect me to wait another three months to see my baby girl?"
Lina buttoned her robe and leaned forward on the couch, "You could have let us know you were coming."
"And you could have let us know you were leaving!" Mrs. Inverse countered.
Lina reddened a little. "You'd better get her back to me. She's insatiable."
Mrs. Inverse made no move to hand to baby over, "Just like you at her age! I swore that you were attached to my chest. I bet she's going to be a powerful sorceress. Strange, though, she looks just like Luna when she was born."
Lina went puce as she yelled, "She does not look a thing like Sis!"
Lina and Gourry had tried to arrange for separate apartments for Mrs. Inverse, but she insisted she was comfortable sleeping on their couch. It was intrusive, but her mother was a better housekeeper than either of them so it did have its advantages.
Of course, Mrs. Inverse was no more able to nurse Lucia than Gourry was, meaning that the bulk of this onerous job still fell on Lina's shoulders alone. Day was turning to dusk as Lina sat in the rocking chair, listening as her mother read one of her favorite novels. Despite what many people expected, Gourry could read, but he tended to be rather monotonous while doing so and it aggravated her. Her mother, on the other hand, was a natural storyteller and pleasant to listen to.
Lina looked out the window, recalling her days as a traveler and bandit slayer with a strange sense of nostalgia. She had once done amazing things. Now all it seemed she was good for was nursing an infant. She tried hard to retain the woman she had been, but she seemed to keep drowning in the overwhelming duties of motherhood.
Lucia suddenly inhaled deeply and pulled away. In her sleep she nestled contentedly against Lina, resting one pudgy hand against her soft cheeks as she did so, finally seeming full and content. Lina could not believe her eyes! After a week of nursing continuously she was finally full!
Lina marveled at the little bundle in her arms. Her head was no longer misshapen and was well rounded. On the whole she was rather prettily formed. The redness of her skin was replaced with a porcelain whiteness. And she looked so peaceful as she nestled against her that Lina wondered how she could ever begrudge her anything.
It was strange. A few minutes ago she would have given anything for Lucia to voluntarily stop nursing. Yet now that she had Lina was strangely reluctant to place her in her crib and jump into bed with Gourry. Inwardly, Lina laughed at her foolishness. Before she knew it, she was certain that Lucia would be nursing ravenously again. She needed to enjoy her limited freedom quickly before she got hungry again. Still, she was arrested by the beauty of the baby in her arms.
"Lina?" her mother asked.
Lina smiled, "It's okay, she's finally asleep."
She carefully got out from the rocking chair and placed her in her cradle, "So she does get full." She mused as she left the room.
