A/N: Okay so I wasn't going to do anything with Finn's death yet or at all but this story came to my mind as I was thinking about what the writers might do. It is a difficulty task and I feel for them having to write such an episode. I began to think about who would be most effected by Finn's death and obviously I thought of Rachel followed by Mr. Schue, Kurt, Puck, and Quinn. Those are the characters who had the most interaction with him and were involved in his story lines. I then thought how how Dianna is off the show and I realized it was a huge possibility that she may be left out of that episode. I just couldn't have that so I have preemptively explained Quinn's absence at Finn's funeral. I really hope you feel I did their relationship justice, I will say that this is slightly AU after "I Do". Trigger warnings. Once again I hope you like this story. Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of it's characters. Glee belongs to it's creators and FOX.
The grey silver sky threatened to release a deluge of rain but instead a blanket of misty rain settled across the world. It was fitting perhaps how her insides felt so like the weather, she yearned to burst to allow rivers of anguish to fall down her porcelain skin but instead her hazel orbs were covered with a thin film of despair.
Standing before the modest grey stone she pressed her lids tightly, forcing single tear to drop. She shouldn't be here, well not like this, this hadn't been how she'd ever imagined this scenario, in fact it was the opposite exactly. When this moment had crept into her mind over the past few months it had always been him standing before the granite not she. He'd been the one crying or thinking pensively or recounting their life together. It wasn't fair, he'd saved her from being six feet below an ornate memorial and now he was there, rotting below her stiletto clad feet. Some would find it odd to show up to a cemetery in strappy Steve Maddens, a red and cream Calvin Kline cocktail dress, and a long black Guess raincoat with her hair in an ornate updo, makeup pristine, but it wasn't not for her. He'd promised her this day, that they would celebrate together, and even though he couldn't do it with her physically she would with his presence surrounding her like an old warn blanket, the one he would wrap her in when she was homeless pregnant and lost.
Taking a deep breath she turned up the volume on her iphone and began to play music, then she retrieve two champagne glasses and poured some sparkling grape juice in, "Sorry but I can't really have alcohol anymore it doesn't mix well if you get what I mean." She placed one glass on the headstone then held her own glass towards the headstone preparing to toast the boy she'd hurt so much but somehow still managed to save her life.
"How dare you come here now?" A familiar but harsh voice cut her off before she could speak. She bit her lip refusing to turn around just now; she knew there was more to come.
"I have every right to be here just like you." She probably shouldn't aggravate the owner of the bitter voice but she wanted to continue with her plans and she couldn't do that until the owner left.
"Bullshit." The curse in that voice was startling and worrisome. "You ignore all of us for months, don't even come to his funeral and you dare to come here today of all days; bullshit you self-centered, selfish bitch."
"Rachel," another voice, Santana. She could hear an arm being pulled away from another's hand.
"No. Don't Santana, she's ignored you since Valentine's Day and you're sticking up for her." Rachel was definitely pissed off, "She won't even face us, what Quinn are you to good to make eye contact with us or are you such a coward that you can't face the friends you abandoned."
Quinn felt her muscles tense under the accusations. None were true but it hurt that Rachel could think such things; of course she didn't know the truth, no one living did. The only person who knew what she'd been through in the last five months was gone. She'd come there to celebrate with him, to celebrate not only what would have been his twentieth birthday but the start of her new life.
"No I'm not defending her but Finn wouldn't want this, not here at least. She isn't worth you getting upset over." The daggers struck Quinn's heart at Santana's words. Her best friend thought she was worthless. Her knees went weak and though she didn't like being vulnerable in front of anyone Quinn fell to her knees before Finn Hudson's grave. Her eyes found his name carved elegantly in the grey stone. Her fingers traced over each letter gaining strength to say what she had to. He'd always been her courage whether it be reminding her that she had the strength to leave the Cheerios or to admit something was wrong and she needed help.
"He saved my life." Quinn choked out. Her breath becoming labored due to the combination of the cool air and the stress of the situation she was in. She reached in her coat pocket and pullout her inhaler taking two puffs of medicine before continuing. Rachel and Santana had said nothing during the time. They were likely shocked by her admission.
"I was tumbling out of control and I didn't know how to stop. In the past I had felt similar near constantly in fact; from the beginning of sophomore year when I slept with Puck until recently. Sometimes it was worse than others, like my punk phase senior year. I thought, actually I was in denial that anything was wrong, I thought all teenagers were on this drastic roller coaster that I'd been riding since I was fifteen." Quinn paused her mind reliving her tumultuous past. How no one had guessed what was wrong with her or even suspect was amazing, hindsight really was 20/20. She didn't want to say the next words but she had too. Her eyes skimmed the inscription below Finn's name, date of birth, and death date. Loving Son, Loyal friend, Inspiring Spirit.
Inspiring indeed, he'd pushed her to be a better person everyday they knew each other. "After you left Santana, on Valentine's Day, I had a break down, I was a mess. Finn he…he found me out by the Burk's River Bridge, I still don't know what he was doing driving out there but he saw me standing on the ledge." Quinn bent her head down to rest on his grave her hand splayed against it much like it had against his chest when he'd wrap her reluctant body into a much needed hug. "He stayed with me for a half hour talking me down. When I stepped off the ledge he pulled me into a hug and I cried and I spilled everything; I told him how some days I was so sad I could barely get out of bed and then suddenly I would be so wired I couldn't sleep and I go to bars and drink into oblivion just so I could pass out and sleep. He was so patient and when I'd finished he drove me all the way back to New Haven and stayed with me for a week until I agreed to see a psychologist. I was immediately admitted to the psychiatric ward at the hospital with a diagnosis of Bipolar I disorder. That was last time I saw him, he held me tight just as I was taken away and he promised me that the day I got released from the hospital we would celebrate and go out dancing together." Quinn was finally crying out her despair and agony over the loss of Finn, her friend and confidant.
"After the first two weeks I got free time two times a week to use the phone. He answered every one of my calls. He kept me abreast of all the happenings and what you were all up too. He tried to convince me to contact you all, to tell you, but I was too ashamed and I wanted to tell you all when I was better. The day after he died it wasn't him who picked up his phone. I was calling to tell him that I was being released to a community home facility for a month or so before being completely released on my own. Carol told me he was dead. I…" Quinn absentmindedly rubbed her wrist, "I had a major set back. I spent an additional month in the hospital before moving to the community home, I just got release from there yesterday. Today's my first full day on my own." There it was her story, the reason why she'd not talked to her friends, the reason why she missed Finn's funeral. Though she was deeply sad at Finn's death and grieving for the first time in five years she was stable and her emotions were balanced and not swinging on a giant pendulum and it was all because of Finn, he'd saved her and she'd love him for it forever.
Gently she laid a kiss to the headstone and stood and turned to whom she thought was Rachel and Santana but before her stood her whole glee family from Artie all the way to Mr. and Mrs. Shuester and Coach Sylvester. No one spoke or moved. Quinn studied them closely, tears fell from Mercedes, Tina, and Brittany's eyes; Mike, Sam, Kurt, Blaine, and Artie looked sympathetic small smiles on their lips, Emma leaned into Will who looked proud as she stared back at Quinn; Coach Sylvester gave her a slight head nod and smile. Finally her eyes fell on Rachel, Santana, and Noah all three were emotionless and that scared Quinn, would they ever forgive her for disappearing on them when they needed her most?
"I came today to fulfill our promise to celebrate and to wish him happy birthday. I know many of you don't believe it but Finn is important to me, he always was, and if it hadn't been for him I would be resting not far from him this very moment. Finn was an amazing man and I am so happy to have had him in my life and I wanted to say thank you and good bye to him in person since I couldn't before." Quinn finally said breaking the silence. "But if I am not welcome I will go." She breathed. Quinn turned to clean up when she suddenly hit with a small force. Startled she saw Rachel was hugging her. "Rachel?"
Rachel shook her head so Quinn tightened the hug, soon Santana joined them, the Latina kissing Quinn's temple. Quinn felt relieved. Rachel and Santana backed away after a moment and Quinn was left staring at Puck, the one boy who'd stirred so many emotions inside her; who calmed her and infuriated her at the same time, whom she loved and hated over five years. Often her feelings towards the self-proclaimed bad boy but secret sweetheart swung with her manic and depression episodes. Now that Quinn was stable she'd been able to examine their relationship with clarity and all she knew was she wanted to know where it could go now that she was getting the help she needed and deserved. The only question was would he want to too, but that was for another day.
Puck stepped forward until he was in front of her; she waited for him to speak. He smiled softly when he did his hand reaching out to her as if offering to dance with her, "I know you came here to celebrate with Finn but perhaps we could celebrate with you too." Quinn nodded her head furiously and took his hand only to be pulled into his embraced.
After being hugged by all her friends they decided to head to breadsticks to celebrate Finn's birthday and Quinn's recovery. Everyone wished Finn happy birthday before leaving soon it was only Rachel and Quinn left. Quinn saw her smaller friend trembling and she slipped her hand into Rachel's and squeezed. "He loved you very much. When we talked and he spoke of you there was only pride and love in his voice." Rachel sobbed at Quinn's words but smiled, "I loved him so and I wasted our time by pushing him away. I thought we had time to figure things out, to find our own dreams and then come back to each other."
Quinn pulled Rachel into a side hug, "I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you didn't waste time and you weren't wrong. Finn was so happy at his college, he was learning so much. No one could have known this would happen, you did what you thought was best for you both and that is all you could do." Quinn spun Rachel to face her, "Don't waste your life thinking of what could have been or what you should have done. Finn would want you to move on, to use his death to make you stronger. He loved you and wanted you to succeed don't let his death cause your failure. Grieve Rachel but don't shut down. Take all the time you need to heal but continue to move forward. Be the amazing woman Finn knew you to be."
They embraced again before each knelt and kissed Finn's grave and joined their glee family. Just as she about to enter her car Quinn paused and looked back at the grave, the sky was clearing the mist gone rays of sun shining through, in that moment she felt stronger, with Finn as her guardian watching over her she could survive any struggles that would come her way.
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