Between The Lines Of Fear And Blame

Word Count: ~2.500

Summary: Ianto finds out about Jack's immortality.

Characters: Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones

Pairing: Jack/Ianto

Rating: R

Spoiler: Cyberwoman, Out Of Time

Setting: during Out Of Time

Warnings: Suicide, talk about suicide, character death (Jack)

Author's Note: Recently, I can't say why, I noticed that I never wrote a ficlet about Ianto finding out about Jack's immortality. This one took a while to write and then the 21st redisourcolor challenge with the subject Job came along and I molded the story around it a bit. The three words out of six I chose for this challenge are green, duvet and running. Story and title inspired by The Fray's How To Save A Life.

Disclaimer: I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show Torchwood and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

xxx

Some sort of window to your right as he goes left and you stay right

Between the lines of fear and blame

You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong

I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

(How To Save A Life by The Fray)

Jack awoke, gasped for air for a few seconds and then lost consciousness again. Death welcomed him with open arms and he was wrapped up in a cold darkness that seemed to go on forever. It felt almost safe, comforting, like home until ...

… the feeling of being dragged over glass, then the first shuddering breath, then choking, then death … Jack didn't know just how often he died that night in that car, next to that lost, lost man called John Ellis, but it wasn't often enough. So he was almost disappointed when his abused lungs expanded after another death and encountered clean, cool air. He stayed alive.

He was still in the garage, but lying on the floor next to the car, night air filtering in through the open gate. He saw the SUV parked outside, directly in front of the garage, blocking the pavement to hide from view what was going on inside, even though it was late and nobody would be out looking into the run-down garage of a run-down house in a run-down neighborhood. Jack hadn't parked the car there. Someone had taken the SUV's keys from him and done it while he was dead, and there was only one person Jack could think of who would be that thoughtful.

The SUV's boot slammed shut and steps came towards the garage. Jack stayed where he was, his head turned to the side and towards Ianto when he stopped next to him. He stared at Ianto's shoes – black, sporty ones that looked like dressing shoes at first glance, made for running and being dressy at once.

Ianto just stood there. Jack could hear him take deep breaths and when he looked up at him, he saw that he was leaning back against his car, huddled into his coat, his eyes closed. With a pang of guilt, Jack realized that Ianto was grieving and trying to decide what to do next.

He sat up. "Ianto."

Ianto let out a small, cut-off scream and stumbled to the side, staring at Jack with wide eyes. "You -"

"I was dead," Jack said with a nod, "but not anymore."

"How-"

"I don't know."

Ianto stared at him for a moment, then he nodded, and Jack could see how he draped his safety blanket of professionalism around himself. He didn't know if he'd just gotten a glimpse of the real Ianto – the young, utterly lonely man he was behind the suits, the wit and the gorgeous body. Jack doubted that he'd seen that man since the cyberwoman had tried to escape. Even the newest development between them – the adventurous sex they had to relieve the stress – did never show him the real Ianto. He kept himself hidden behind his job persona and Jack assumed that he couldn't complain about that since he kind of did the same.

Ianto breathed out, straightened up and said, "I suggest driving back to the Hub, sir. I'll take care of my car tomorrow."

Jack looked at the car, still smelling of exhaust fumes. The stink was embedded into the seats now. Ianto needed a new car. Jack had wrecked it by letting John kill himself in it – by killing himself in it – so he should fix this, do the clean-up and buy a new car from the huge amount of money he had stuffed away in several bank accounts. "Ianto, the least I can do is-"

"Don't worry, sir." Ianto gave a small and utterly fake smile. "This classifies as clean-up after a mission and that's my job."

With a start, Jack realized that Ianto gave so much of himself to ensure that Jack had everything he needed. Always working even when he was technically not working, always professional even when he should be angry at Jack for ruining his car.

Jack watched Ianto find the last shreds of shock and tuck them into the back of his mind. His face became a blank mask and he sighed. "Are you okay now, sir?"

Jack got up, getting dizzy. Ianto grabbed his arm and helped him until Jack stood upright. Jack leaned forwards and captured Ianto's lips in a tender kiss, trying to reassure him, to apologize ...

Ianto turned his head away. "Your lips are cold."

"You could warm them up."

For a moment, Ianto looked like Jack had hurt him somewhere deep within, but then his job persona slid back into place. "With all due respect, sir, you stink." He left Jack in the garage and went to sit behind the wheel of the SUV.

Jack caught a whiff of exhaust fumes on his coat and he grimaced. "Right." He looked at Ianto's car one last time and left the garage, slamming the gate closed on his way out.

xxx

The ride back was quiet until Ianto said, "It wasn't an accident, right? You sitting next to him."

Jack closed his eyes for a moment before he answered, "It wasn't an accident." There was no reason to lie about it. Ianto wasn't stupid. Jack sitting in the passenger seat and holding John's hand must have given away that it had been entirely intentional.

Ianto nodded and Jack saw his hands tighten around the steering wheel. "Why?"

Jack's defenses slammed down before he could stop them. "None of your business." Ianto wouldn't be able to understand the feeling of utter loneliness Jack endured every day. Sure, Ianto had lost his colleagues at Torchwood One, Lisa, everyone he cared about, really, but he was still in his own time. Jack wasn't. Besides, he wasn't ready to tell Ianto about that, because that would mean revealing another secret he hadn't bothered mentioning before, and Ianto seemed to be upset enough already.

Jack could see Ianto gritting his teeth. "Well, since I'm the one who found your corpse in my car, I think I deserve to know."

"What were you even doing there?" Jack asked, opting for attack rather than defense. "There was no need to follow me. I thought I made it obvious that I'd handle it."

"And look how that worked out!" Ianto snapped. Then he sighed and shook his head. "I'm sorry, sir. I … I'm a bit tired."

"Drive home. I'll take the car back to the Hub and look that John's paperwork is in order." His stomach clenched at the thought of having to get John's body from the SUV's boot into the Hub, of having to fill out the death certificate for their archives, of having to incinerate John's body. No cover story because John didn't have any living relatives aside from his son – and he would hardly complain about the lack of a body. In his mind, his father died several decades ago. No, John would get the funeral he deserved – incineration and his ashes blown towards the sea by the wind.

Ianto shook his head. "Not necessary, sir. I'll do it."

"It's my job," Jack answered.

"And it's mine to ensure that you catch a break every once in a while, sir. He was your friend. There's no need for you to do the paperwork." Ianto didn't look at him once, fully concentrated on driving. He seemed determined and Jack knew that meant he wouldn't be able to argue. He didn't want to, really. In fact, Ianto's suggestion soothed him. Jack was relieved. He sighed deeply and settled back in his seat.

xxx

The shower was heavenly. It didn't matter that the pipes were creaking as if under torture or that the water smelled a bit mossy and tasted slightly rusty. It was hot and the pressure was perfect and it washed away the stink of exhaust fumes and death. Jack tipped his head back and rinsed his hair out, remembering Ianto's slick hands on his skin, his gentle laughter and soft sighs, the contrast of his pale skin against Jack's dark-green duvet. Jack felt himself harden at the thought and brushed a lazy hand down his chest towards his groin before he remembered that Ianto was still upstairs. Warm and real and so alive. Just what he needed to feel alive himself. He turned off the shower.

xxx

Ianto was just leaving the morgue when Jack found him in the main Hub. He took one look at Jack and raised an eyebrow in obvious disapproval. Jack looked down at himself and found his white t-shirt wet in some places, just like his trousers. His hair was still damp, dropping water on the floor. So he hadn't taken the time to dry himself properly. It wasn't as if he intended to keep his clothes on for very long.

Ianto turned his head away and walked towards Jack's office. "I suggest that we incinerate him tomorrow. I'll leave the paperwork on your desk for you to sign. I'll file him away as a suicide."

When Ianto walked by him, Jack took his arm and pulled him close, asking softly, "Do I smell better now?"

Ianto stared at a point just above Jack's right shoulder. "Certainly, sir." He twisted away from him and entered his office. Jack was about to follow him when Ianto walked past him again, this time towards the coffee machine. "I'll make you one last cup, sir, then I'll go home if that's alright with you."

Jack trailed after him. "What if I told you that it isn't?"

"No games, Jack," Ianto said tiredly, "not tonight." He fixed Jack a cup of coffee and held it out to him. Jack just stuffed his hands in his pockets. Ianto set the cup down on the counter.

"I'd really like for you to stay tonight."

"Is it about work? I could stay for a while, if it's-"

"It's not about the job, Ianto. I want you to stay."

"And I would really like to go home."

Jack ducked his head and nodded. "Running away, aren't you? I guess I disgust you now."

Ianto sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Don't make this my fault," he whispered. "You always make it everybody else's fault."

The quiet words hit him deeply.

Ianto seemed to see that, because he tried to explain, "Like ..." He turned away from Jack, starting to clean the coffee maker with angry little swipes of the rag in his hand. "Like you are the one who has to sacrifice himself because of our faults. Because we're so quaint and childish and … stupid."

"I don't think that way about you."

"Don't you?" Ianto asked. "It certainly feels that way sometimes." He threw the rag into the sink and brushed past Jack. "I'm leaving."

Jack felt … something slip away from him. He didn't quite know what, but the further away Ianto got, the more he felt some kind of loss. It hurt. Ianto turning his back on him hurt. And he'd never been able to properly handle that emotion. His defenses raised (Who cared what Ianto did? He was nothing more than a part-time shag anyway. He wasn't even that good in bed!) and he shouted, "You told me once that I'm a monster!"

Ianto froze.

"Bet you're happy that you've been proven right!"

Ianto turned around to him, his eyes angry and hurt.

But Jack wasn't done yet. "You wouldn't be the first to think that way. I've been killed just because people wanted to see me come back to life! They were coming at me with butcher knifes and guns and whatever else they could find. They captured me and sold me like some pet. They paid good money. And you wonder why I didn't tell you?"

"Because we would've done the same? After everything we've seen? We're Torchwood, Jack!"

"Yes, you are, and look at your reaction now!"

"This reaction hasn't got anything to do with Torchwood. It's got all to do with you treating this like some kind of banality."

"Because it is," Jack answered. "I die, I wake up, end of story."

Ianto shook his head. "Goodnight, Jack."

"You can't leave!"

Ianto turned away and headed for the door. Jack opened the flap on his wrist strap and pushed a few buttons, locking the door and the invisible lift. Ianto stopped when he heard the heavy lock click shut. He turned back around to Jack. "Nice," he said. "Very mature."

Jack crossed his arms and stared at Ianto in determination. Ianto gestured vaguely towards the door. "You know that I know the emergency codes to that lock, right?"

Of course Jack knew. He hadn't intended to lock Ianto in permanently. He just wanted him to stop leaving for a moment. He knew he'd won when Ianto slowly walked back towards him. He stopped next to Tosh's computer, speaking calmly, "It's my job to look after you. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, dry-cleaning and the mending of your coat."

Jack would have cracked a sarcastic joke about Ianto tending to his very personal needs, but he didn't think Ianto would be able to laugh about that.

"Seeing you in that car, Jack … the first thing I felt was anger."

Jack closed his eyes. "Ianto-"

"At myself."

Jack opened his eyes again.

"Because I thought that I had failed you. You were like a lifesaver to me after Lisa and I wanted to be the same to you. I'm here every day, but I wasn't there when you needed me. So I was angry." He took a deep breath. "And then you wake up and act like this was nothing. Some fun to kill some time, literally. And then you want to shag me. And I don't know what to think about all that. All I know is that it doesn't matter how close we've become – as colleagues, friends … lovers ..." He paused as if he waited for Jack to contradict him, but Jack remained silent. "You just didn't tell me this very important thing about yourself. You don't trust me even though I've done everything to regain ... how am I supposed to do my job if you ..." He stopped and ducked his head. Jack couldn't tell if he was crying. He didn't want to know.

"I'm just not used to tell people. On my old team, Alex knew, but no one else. Gwen knows, but only because she saw me come back to life. It's not something I talk about with people."

Ianto looked up, his face blank. He sighed, maybe accepting Jack's explanation, maybe not. His face gave nothing away. Jack wished for Ianto to just drop his professional mask for even a minute. He wanted to see what Ianto felt, what he thought, but it was so hard when Ianto was like this.

"How many times did you die?"

Jack shook his head. "I don't know."

"How many times did you kill yourself?"

The question hung in the air for a moment, before Jack just shook his head.

"Do you think it's part of your job to die?" Ianto asked.

Jack swallowed. "Sometimes."

Ianto brushed a hand through his hair in exasperation. "I'm going to leave now."

"Ianto," Jack said, "please don't. I don't want to be ..." He took Ianto's hand. "Stay with me, I …" He felt bereft, raw and open. As if Ianto was now able to see everything of him. His best kept secret and now Ianto knew. No one was supposed to. It had destroyed everything more than once. It made him vulnerable … and lonely. "I don't want to be alone tonight," Jack said.

Ianto ducked his head. "Then go out and look for some company."

"I want you!"

Ianto slowly lifted his head to look at him.

"You always stay late," Jack said, avoiding Ianto's eyes.

Ianto shook his head and headed for the door. "Because I want to," Ianto answered. "Because I enjoy being with you. Because you saved my life. I love taking care of you, Jack, it's my job. But I can't talk with you, sit with you, eat with you or shag you when I keep asking myself if you're just pretending that you're fine. Or if I missed another suicide. Or wondering why you don't think that your life is valuable enough to look for other options when things get rough. Or why you don't trust to me enough to talk to me." He punched in the code and the door rolled aside to let him out. He paused on the threshold. "That's not my job."

With that, he left.

END

09/11