I don't even know what this is. All I know is that I wrote it, and I'm not sorry. - SGA
"...Wait, he wants us to do what?" Mabel chirped curiously.
Usually, the twins had little trouble deciphering the to-do notes that their great-uncle sometimes left around the gift shop. They tended to be very self explanatory, like "Sweep up", or the ever-common "Mark up everything by five bucks." The one they found this morning however was a little something out of the ordinary. Dipper scratched his head and read it out loud again.
"Go get some nutmeg. Sprinkle it around outside." He was no less puzzled than her.
"Weeeiiiird." She gave her blunt opinion. "What do we have to do that for?"
"New attraction, maybe?" He took an educated guess. "Remember when he had us hang up all those clothes on fishing line?"
"Oh yeah! That whole 'invisible boy' exhibit-"
"Hello, guys!" The conversation was interrupted by a familiar-looking face that suddenly peered in through the door.
They received an instant shock. The teen looked a lot like one Wendy Corduroy. It sounded like Wendy Corduroy. However, there were several unsettling details that strongly suggested that this was not the bona fide Wendy Corduroy. For one thing, there was an uncharacteristic and frankly unsettling perkiness in her smile. Meanwhile her stilted tone was a cry from the teen's usual easygoing demeanor. An especially glaring difference was that her iconic auburn locks were bright fluorescent yellow.
As blatant as these clues were, together they paled in comparison to the simple fact that the genuine Wendy Corduroy was standing right by their side inside the gift shop. Her eyes bugged to the size of saucers.
"...Okaaaaay….what is that?" She demanded.
"Hello, guys!" The impostor at the doorstep repeated. Teen and tweens tensed up at the ready for trouble. Their last run-in with shapeshifter had been a brutal one, and no one was in any mood to be caught so badly off guard yet again.
But only a couple seconds later they collectively realized that they were in far less danger than originally feared. The phony teen didn't transform into a horrific nightmare-beast. It didn't growl, didn't snarl, or even attempt to open the door for that matter. It remained where it stood, blinklessly peering inside.
"Hello, guys! Is Windy! Please let inside Mysteery Shark?"
"Windy?" The butchered speech was more than enough to break the tension of the moment for Mabel. The twelve-year-old cracked up. "What?"
"Windy is me yes." The thing replied excitedly. "Shark? Let inside Shark now?"
"Uh…." Wendy genuinely didn't know whether to laugh or not. "Dude, what are we looking at right now?"
"I seriously don't have any idea." Dipper kept a wary eye on it as reached into his vest and pulled out the journal. "It's like a copy, but...a really bad one. Like, really bad."
"Yeah, just look at her!" Mabel clapped her hands with delight. "She's awesome!"
Wendy gently disagreed with a grimace. "I'm so weirded out right now, I don't even-"
They were interrupted by a pair of loud thuds behind them. While their attention had been fixed at the door, two more visitors had apparently crawled through an open window. Lying in a heap on the floor, the pair gazed up with their own unsettling enormous grins.
"Hallo! Is us, Pins brother and sister." Announced a very imperfect copy of Dipper, clad in puffy pink parachute pants and a blue and white cap logoed with a green palm tree.
"Bloop!" His sister beeped herself in the nose before she straightened out the bright green hoodie that clashed horrifically with her deep maroon eyes. The two awkwardly climbed to their feet and started wandering around the shop like a pair of curious dogs.
"There's more of them?" Wendy looked around, honestly expecting a poor-quality copy of Stan to come crawling out of the blue. Dipper hurriedly flipped through the journal as fast as he could. Mabel however took to the visitors far more enthusiastically than either her friend or brother. The girl squealed excitedly and dashed over to meet her double.
"Hey there! Who are you?"
"Bloop!" Her doppelganger pressed its nose again. "Is Marble! Cute boys find now! Summer romance! Very sweater yes! Glitter glitter!"
"Ooooh, you definitely know where it's at!" She whooped. "Dipper, check it out! It's like we're quadruplets now!"
"Except not really. Hold on, I think I….got something!" Dipper had located the relevant entry. "They're...rip-offs?"
"Yeah, they're pretty bad at the whole copying thing." Wendy watched her double back up and then walk smack into the door with a painful thud.
"Is Windy! Time to work but nevermind I like goof off at Shark!" It yapped before bumbling into the door again.
"No, no, I mean that's their actual name." Dipper explained. "They're called Rip-Offs."
"Wait, really?" His friend peeked over his shoulder. "No way."
The boy cleared his throat before reading out loud. "I have purposefully decided not to classify these creatures as shapeshifters or changelings because such a name would imply they are reasonably skilled at bending their forms to physically imitate other living creatures. These, simply put, are just bad at what they do. Seriously, they are just awful. I don't know if they're just stupid or what, but what I do know is that they just fail terribly at the one thing that they're supposed to do."
Wendy winced at the scathing description. "Ouch."
"You gotta admit, he's pretty spot-on here." Dipper conceded.
The false Dipper and Mabel were still meandering aimlessly around the room, spouting less-than-exact imitations.
"Mystery conspiracy, I'll solve! Dapper Pins will solve with number three book!" Babbled the boy. "Mystery! Clues! Marble, stop annoy!"
"Where is my pag, Waggles?" His "sister" wondered aloud. "Waggles! C'mere, Waggles! Come to your Marble!"
"Okay...so anyone have any idea what we're supposed to do with these?" Dipper asked. "Because I got nothing right now."
"We don't need to do anything! Just stand back and let them be funny. It's great!" Mabel was thoroughly enjoying the oddity for all it was worth. She started to pat her double, who stopped and started to purr loudly.
"Windy" loudly thudded into the door again. Wendy took pity on her copy and finally opened the door. It immediately became apparent that the rip-off didn't understand a few things key things about teenagers; namely, hat they could more than one pair of limbs at once. She kept both her arms planted stiffly at her side as she trotted in.
"Cool dude. Text on phone awesome!" It stopped, glanced at piece of moss in its hand, fixed its arm back to its side and continued ambling around.
"Oh man," Wendy now started to warm up to their antics with a chuckle. "Yeah, I think I'm with Mabel now. These things are ridiculous."
"What do they even want?" Mabel now scratched her double behind the ear.
"Whoop!" It made another very poor go at another one of her trademark sounds.
"Close." Mabel giggled before kindly correcting it. "It's easy, just do like me! Whop!"
"Whooooop!" It squeaked back, earning itself a crushing bear hug.
"Can we keep them?" She begged her brother. "They're the best!"
"There's no way that's a good idea. They have to be here for something, but...I can't guess what they're trying to pull off." Dipper confessed. "If they're going to copy us, shouldn't they….I don't know, like….show up when we're not here?"
"Dude, the book said they're bad at this." Wendy.
"Mysteries, there's a lot!" The phony Dipper waved its noodle arms and continued wandering around in circles. "Have find now! A clue! Break code! Mystery!"
"Do you want anything?" Dipper tried to communicate with it. It just paused and bobbed its head grimly.
"Mysteries! Trust anyone? No trust anyone. Also, I very sweat."
"Haha!" Mabel barked with delight. "It's totally got your number down, bro!"
"It's not that bad!" Her painfully self-conscious twin snapped back.
"Mystery, mystery, mystery….oh no!" His copy had crossed paths with Wendy's double. It clapped its hands to its face and gasped loudly. "Windy! Now anxious! So really sweat now! Very much itch!"
"Worry no, Dapper!" Replied the rip-off teenager. "I don't know you like me wait yes I do."
"Okay, but still friends! And maybe something later!" He happily replied.
"Maybe later!" She chirped back.
"...Wait, what?" Wendy cocked an eyebrow at the copies. She passed an unsettled glance over to Dipper, who now found himself sinking fast into record-breaking levels of discomfort.
"Uh…." He scrambled to dig out the blacklight that he now carried around on him just in case.. "L-let's see if there's anything else here…"
"Clues! Where clues? Who is book three write guy?" His double immediately shoved his face into the book.
"Hey, c'mon!" Dipper gently pushed it aside. "Okay, let me look...okay, got something else! It says here-"
He almost immediately trailed trailed off. Wendy read the spark of alarm in his eyes loud and clear. "Dipper?"
"Whatever you do, don't give them what they want." he read the cryptic but worrisome warning out loud. All originals froze as an overwhelming sense of dread washed over them.
"Wait…." Mabel stopped in mid-pet. "What does that-"
"NOW GET!" On "Marble's" signal the copies suddenly whirled and rushed at once, each wearing a look of unflappable determination.
Teen and tweens immediately took fighting stances, only to find themselves completely ignored. The imitators dashed right by them and charged the cooler full of overpriced off-brand ice cream bars. Almost immediately their plan hit a snag. Not one of them could figure out how to operate the simple sliding door on top. All three desperately clawed, pounded, and bit.
"Awww, they're just hungry!" Mabel rapidly relaxed with a sympathetic coo. "Aren't you? You're just a big bunch of goofs with empty tummies, huh?"
"Whoa! C'mon." Wendy barely stopped her double from furiously headbutting the icebox. After preventing a concussion, the teenager shrugged to her friends. "Okay, wow I just feel bad for them."
An impatient Dapper grabbed a snow globe off a nearby shelf and started chewing ravenously. Marble meanwhile looked like she was already on the verge of tears with frustration.
"Yeeeeah, I think we've had enough." Dipper readily agreed. This wasn't funny anymore as much as it was just pitiful He packed the journal away and wedged himself through. "Hang on, coming through….Okay, is this it? Is that what you want-"
He opened the cooler up with a gentle push. Moving fast, the incompetent changelings shouldered him aside and hungrily dove for the icy treats. A moment later the false twins were cheering with animalistic delight as they bolted outside and booked it for the woods, arms loaded with popsicles and ice cream bars. Windy however just milled about behind, looking incredibly confused.
"Oh, I don't even…." Wendy couldn't help but snort with laughter. "Hey, you can carry things and walk at the same time! See? Like this."
The genuine teen held her lumberjack hat and moved her feet as an example. It took a couple more examples, but comprehension finally clicked. Yelping excitedly, she tore off after her pack out and into the woods.
"...Well that was pointless." Dipper deadpanned.
"Wait! Wait come, back!" Mabel raced to the door, but with the exception of a couple dropped ice cream bars, they had disappeared without a trace. The deeply disappointed girl trudged back inside with a long face.. "Why'd they go? I wanted them to hang around a little longer."
"I think I did too." Wendy confessed. "So what do you think it meant when it said we shouldn't give them anything?"
"I don't get that either." Dipper admitted. "They were seriously the most harmless things that we've ever-"
He turned around and let out a hoarse yell of surprise. Mabel cocked her head his way.
"What? What's wrong-" Her entire body jolted. "Nevermind, I don't want them back! Too many!"
Suddenly they were now under ridiculous siege. Standing on the door were no less than five badly copied Wendys, four false Dippers, and seven Mabels, and wearing hungry looks in their eyes.
"Grippling hook!" Whooped a wonky-eyed tween girl.
"Wanna mystery?" Asked a Dipper with one at least three arms too many.
"Oh my gosh, a pag!" A bright blue-skinned Mabel exclaimed.
"Duuuuuuuuude!" A cyclopean Wendy chanted monotonously.
Before the others could get get over their shock, a dismayed roar echoed gruffly through the shop. "Oh no you don't!"
Moving with astonishing speed for his age, Stan tore across the shop. Right before one of the rip-offs wriggled the door open, he slammed it tight with his shoulder, sending pain lancing through his worn muscles. He gasped through gritted teeth, "Lock it! For the love of all that's holy, lock it!"
Spurred on by his urgent cries, Mabel sprang forward bolted it up tightly. Wendy and Dipper did their part by shoring up the door with several boxes. Now that the irritating intruders were successfully barred, Stan stepped back to nurse his fresh aches. "Ah, jeez. Not these morons again."
You seen these before?" Dipper asked.
"Kid, you have no idea." The old man sighed. "Happens every July. You hit the middle of the month and they start crawling out of the woodwork begging for food. They're worse than the raccoons." He sighed. "Now, you mind telling how the heck did they make it all the way to the door?"
"What do you mean?" Mabel gazed up with puzzled brown eyes. "Was something supposed to stop them?"
"Yeah, they weren't supposed to get anywhere close. I mean, you sprinkled the nutmeg around already, didn't you?"
The question brought him a trio of stares that started out as incredulous, then quickly turned exasperated. Stan averted his eyes and groaned to himself, "Gotta start getting more detailed with the notes…"