I would now like to take the time to point out that I, the Spiffy Spoofer, do not own or claim to own Mulan, Gravitation, or any of their respectable affiliates. And please people, haven't you read enough of these disclaimers by now anyway? sigh Anywho, don't sue or the Complaint Department will be reinstated. polishes scary looking stick Have a nice read everyone!
And now, without further adieu, The Feature Presentation.
Mulan…Gravitation goes Imperial
Doing chores was not something that Shuichi enjoyed, or even tolerated. And yet, here he was doing said chores when he could have been sleeping in his nice, warm bed. He had already attended the horse, Khan, and was on his way to feed the chickens when his sister burst out of the house with their mother following close behind. His little sister, Maiko, was not a morning person. Her hair had straw tangled in it and her sleeping garments were very wrinkled. In contrast, their mother was complete perfection. Not a hair was out of place on her immaculate head, and her clothes were completely smooth. Shuichi just hid himself behind the horse and hoped that his mother wouldn't see his disheveled appearance and chide him for yet another daily mistake.
"Stop trying to control my life! I don't want to get married! Now or ever!" shouted Maiko at her mother's stern yet astonished face. "I don't care about your stupid'traditions'!"
"Maiko! Do not talk like that! Do you want to dishonor your family? You will get married to a respectable gentleman. Now, go get ready for the Matchmaker or you'll be late. Go!" replied his mother in an angry, but controlled voice dripping with authority. "And where is your brother?"
Sighing to himself and praying that she didn't have more work to pile onto him, Shuichi stepped out from behind the horse. Knowing that she couldn't continue to argue, Maiko left for the house to follow her mother's instructions.
"Yes ma'am? I'm here."
"Good. Come here. I need you to warm some water for your sister and go find your grandmother. She and I need to leave for town soon. Hurry up!" ordered his mother while walking back to the house. "And after we marry off your sister, it's your turn. You need to find a nice girl to settle down with."
"Bleh…Alright mother. I'll find grandma and get the water." Said Shuichi in a flat tone just reeking of nonchalance. "I wish she'd stop trying to rule everyone's life. We already serve an emperor."
As he was walking toward the well to fetch the water for Maiko's bath, he heard rustling behind him. Turning around, he thought he saw some blue cloth disappear behind a bush.
"Grandma? Is that you? Mom's looking for you…you guys have to go to town to get Maiko's stuff ready, remember?" said the teen quietly to the now shaking bush. "Grandma?"
"Just you give me a minute. I gotta get your sister her own lucky cricket. Come 'ere ya little bugger!" answered the gnarled old woman as she sprang toward a large cricket and trapped it in a small wicker cage. "Gotcha!"
"Let's go grandma. Mom'll have a cow if you don't hurry up and get going. I've got to get this water, then I'll come." Said the boy as he tried to remain calm even though he was laughing on the inside. "And why does Maiko need a cricket?"
"Because. Crickets are lucky, and trust me your sister's going to need all the luck she can get when she goes to see the Matchmaker."
Watching his grandmother amble up the path toward the house with her cricket cage, Shuichi couldn't help but to burst into laughter. He just might have to check out this Matchmaker thing. Maiko was sure to provide some very entertaining moments when her turn was up.
Tatsuha was happy. Happier than he'd been in a very long time. He had finally constructed the perfect plan. It was completely flawless. His advisors had never let him have any concubines or live in mistresses seeing as he was only sixteen, but he was the Emperor. There were always ways around everything when you're the Emperor of all of China.
"First I'll write some imperial decrees and give them to my generals…then my plan will be put into action!" said Tatsuha with just a hint of maniacal laughter in his voice. "Now to write my decrees…"
By royal decree of the Emperor:
All households in China are to send forth one maiden for service to their Emperor. The Emperor's Generals will escort all maidens to the capital. Any household that does not comply will be dishonored. Maidens will return home upon the leisure of the Emperor.
"That should do it…my thick advisors won't be able to argue with this. Now all I have to do is give the decrees to my generals. I'll do it general by general so that I don't draw suspicions. Hmm…who first….Eiri!"
As Tatsuha's command rang out in the large main chamber, the heavy golden doors swung open to reveal a General of amazing physique. His hair of spun gold reflected the torches, lighting the hall and his beautiful golden eyes displayed an authoritative attitude. The gorgeous man was Uesugi Eiri, known as Yuki, and he was the Emperor's Head General, First Class. He also happened to be Tatsuha's older brother, but had declined the throne.
"What do you want now? I'm busy."
"Grouch. I need you to deliver a decree to some western villages…in the old Wu territory. Here are all of the decrees." Said Tatsuha in a manner-of-fact way. "Thanks aniki!" and with that Tatsuha flashed his brother a big fake smile and sauntered out of the room to find some more generals to bother.
Taking the decrees and shooting a glare at the retreating back of his younger brother, Yuki left the chamber and headed to the stables to get his horse. One the way he stopped by the barracks division and picked some subordinates to assist him on the journey.
"Hmm…what are these things anyway…" muttered the general as he read the decrees silently. "What the hell…? Scary to see him this desperate."
Putting the decrees out of his mind, Yuki reached the stables and ordered his horse to be made ready. Riding out to the western villages would take days of long riding, something Yuki absolutely hated. He preferred staying in his room and writing different stories of different themes. He was best at romance. When Tatsuha had called for him, he had been in the middle of writing a particularly detailed section of dialogue and was not at all happy about being dragged away from it to go on some hare-brained decree fest.
"General? Your horse is ready and the Emperor sends word to hurry." Squeaked a stable boy, interrupting Yuki's pensive session. "Are you ready to go, sir?"
"Hmph. Just give me the reins and make sure my subordinates' mounts are substantially prepared. And make it quick or I'll have you killed."
"Yes sir!" stammered the servant as he went running down the stable hall to find the other horses. "Please don't kill me!"
Yuki just snickered at the sight of the servant running. He enjoyed being in a position of power high enough to mess with everyone around him. He then urged his horse into the stable yard to await his assistants.
"We're ready when you are, General." Said the subordinates as they entered the stable yard with their mounts.
"Good." Was the barley audible reply from Yuki as he spurred his horse toward the palace gates.
Meanwhile, across China's northern border, an insidious plot was beginning to unravel…
Tohma Seguchi loved power. And now he was within the grasping point of ruling two countries. Mongolia and China. His idiotic brother-in-law had gone and split his generals up to deliver decrees all over the large country. Now was the time for attack, when all the troops were scattered and the generals far from being able to aid their Emperor.
"Mika, my dear, soon we will be the rulers of China and your younger brothers killed." Said Tohma with a voice resonating with clear evil. "You will be a proper Empress, in your own country. As you should be."
"Yes…and you will be the ruler of a grand empire. This is the perfect time to attack. I will ready the generals. What orders shall I give them?" replied Mika with better-concealed evil. "My Lord?"
"Tell them to ready the troops. We attack in three days. The army will assemble at China's northern borders and we will scale the wall. Make sure they're ready, Mika."
"Oh I will. Make no mistake about that." Said Mika slyly as she slipped out of the chamber to alert the generals. "I will not fail."
Watching her go, Tohma realized he would soon have everything. An Empress for a wife, a grand army, a huge empire, and, possibly, a new feather boa.
"Maybe I'll go with white this time. Black is just so…so dark. Red's good too. Yeah. I like red." (A/N: The feathers are back! Yay! Every evil bad guy should have a feather boa to pet. Especially Tohma. )
It was finally time. Maiko had been dreading this her entire life. Meeting the Matchmaker. If she failed, she would never have an honorable marriage, and her family's ancestors would be shamed. Shuichi sat on a stone bench under a blossoming cherry tree considering these thoughts. He felt sorry for Maiko, and everything she would have to go through before the day was over, but it was just too funny to miss. His sister was a tomboy through and through. Seeing her in proper clothes and face paint was going to be a real laugh. For him, at least.
"Shuichi! Get over here and hold the gate for your lovely sister! What kind of a gentleman are you anyway!" ordered his father as he gazed lovingly at Maiko, who was getting ready to leave for town to prepare for the Matchmaker. "She's going to bring honor to this family…unlike you who wouldn't know a good wife if she walked up and screamed it at you."
"Coming father." Answered the youth in a flat voice. "Good luck sis. You'll do great, no worries." He whispered to Maiko and flashed her a peace sign with a cheesy grin.
"Huh. Thanks Shu." Said Maiko quietly as her mother, who was currently arguing over the luck of the newly caught cricket with Shuichi's grandmother, ushered her out.
"Mother! That cricket is disgusting! It's not lucky and Maiko is not, I repeat not, taking it with her!"
Shuichi's grandmother's haughty reply went unheard as the heavy gate swung shut behind the three women. As soon as his father was back inside, Shuichi would jump the wall and go into town to watch his sister's spectacle.
"Shuichi. I'm going inside to rest. Finish up your chores and then sweep the paths up to the shrine. We don't want the ancestors to bring dishonor to our family because you don't know the meaning of the word 'tidy'."
"Yes, sir." Muttered the sullen teen as he rushed off to the shed to get some chicken food. The path could wait. Who cared about the ancestors? They were just a bunch of dead dudes in a stone room with a giant rabbit statue as their leader. His family came from some…odd beginnings.
When he had finished feeding the chickens, Shuichi vaulted over the wall and landed in the street. He saw a parade of finely dressed maidens parading down the path toward an ornately decorated house. The Matchmaker's house.
He ran towards the house and went back behind to peer into one of the windows, awaiting Maiko's turn. She was the first to go.
"Shindou Maiko!" screeched the large woman that was the Matchmaker. "Enter the premises!"
Maiko got up quickly and almost wacked the girl next to her with her umbrella. As she was running up the steps, she tripped on her skirt. The Matchmaker unfortunately noticed both of these things and marked them on a piece of parchment.
"Clumsy is not a good quality for a young wife."
"I'm sorry…." Stammered Maiko, but she was cut off by the Matchmaker before she could continue.
"Speaking out of turn. Also not acceptable."
The two entered the house and the Matchmaker was seated.
"Pour the tea. Recite the proper qualities of a good housewife."
"Ummm…obedience, respectfulness, and…"
"Too slow! Pour the tea to please your future in-laws."
As Maiko reached for the teapot, the 'lucky' cricket escaped the cage that Maiko was carrying and jumped into the Matchmaker's cup. Maiko realized it too late and the larger woman had already taken a sip when Maiko tried to stop her.
"Umm… I need that back, please…" said Maiko quietly while reaching for the occupied tea cup. "I need to add more tea…"
"Silence! Talkative is not a good quality to have young lady." Snarled the Matchmaker. "You need to learn to be silent."
Shuichi had been balanced on some boxes, watching the whole scene unravel while catching tidbits of dialogue. Things weren't going so great for Maiko. Shuichi turned to leave when suddenly he heard screaming inside the room. His head snapped back to the window and he glanced just in time to see the cricket jump out of the Matchmaker's cup and into her shirt. The robust woman screeched at clutched at her bosom, causing her to trip and fall into the nearby fire pit. Her skirts immediately caught on fire. Maiko tried to fan the fire out, but failed and ended up catching the entire building on fire. The two ran outside, and Shuichi bolted off of his boxes to meet his sister up front.
"Alright Maiko! You burnt down a building! That's great!" exclaimed Shuichi as he saw his sister come running out of the building. He was stopped in his tracks when he saw her hurt face. "Maiko…I was just kidding. It's all right. That woman's a cow. What she thinks doesn't matter."
"You don't get it! I've dishonored my family! Don't look at me!" wailed Maiko as she took off running down the street.
"Maiko…"
"Don't worry about her. She'll come around. Guess that cricket wasn't so lucky after all." Said grandmother, suddenly coming up behind Shuichi.
"Mother! This is all your fault! That stupid cricket ruined everything for Maiko! You and your insane ideas!" hollered Shuichi's mother when she found her mother. "And you! What are you doing here! You have chores to do! Get back home, right now!"
"I'm going mom, I'm going!" said Shuichi defensively as he ran back to the house, avoiding looking back, knowing that his mother and grandmother were still fighting over the cricket.
When he reached the house, the gate was left ajar and Maiko was sitting on the same stone bench he had been positioned on earlier.
"Hey, sis. Don't let this bother you. I've dishonored this family so many times I've lost count. It's not real."
"Shut up Shu! That's what's wrong! I have to cover for your dishonor! I'm supposed to be the good child!" cried Maiko as she burst into tears. "Mother's going to hate me now!"
At that moment, their father came outside and motioned for Shuichi to leave.
"You have the day off, son. I need to talk to your sister. Alone." Said his father in a kind voice.
"Yes sir!" said Shuichi as he smiled at Maiko and took off for the gate. "With pleasure!" Shuichi wasn't worried about Maiko. Dad was always fair, and he understood about messing up without meaning to. He would cheer Maiko up, no problem.
"Not so fast, Shuichi!" said his mother, effectively halting Shuichi in his tracks. She and grandma were back, her being the victor in the cricket debate. "I need you to go shopping in town for me. Now."
"Ah, mom…Dad gave me the day off!"
"That doesn't matter. I won't have your sorry excuse for a sister going into town now."
"Fine."
Yuki had been riding for two days now. His caravan had finally reached the western villages, and had already picked up several girls. They had one last stop, a village near the coast.
"General, are you ready to enter?" asked a soldier riding behind Yuki. "Shall I stay here with the others?"
"Yes. I will attend to this village on my own." It had been two days, and the general was very testy. He needed some space from his idiotic subordinates.
As he rode to the village gates, he couldn't help feeling that his day was just about to get a lot worse.
Shuichi couldn't believe his rotten luck. Here he was, shopping of all things, on his one day of freedom. His father finally consented to giving him a day to himself and now his mother had taken it away, just like that. As if it were some trifle thing.
"You've ruined my life!" shouted the angry teenager at the sorry sight of the gate leading to his family's house closing with a resolute thud behind him. "Someday you'll regret doing this to me!"
Shopping was one of Shuichi's least favorite things. He hated mingling with the other villagers, especially now that they had all heard about Maiko's fiasco with the Matchmaker. He could only endure so many rude comments about his sister's future, and about his.
Lost in his thoughts, Shuichi failed to watch where he was going and promptly smashed into the side of a horse, causing it to become startled and attempt to throw its rider. But the rider didn't' fall. Any normal village man would have been catapulted off in a second. Looking up, Shuichi saw the most beautiful person he had ever seen. He had amazing blonde hair, and his eyes were the color of darkened sunshine. He was absolutely stunning.
"What the hell! Watch where you're going, you fool!" spat Yuki at the teen, who was staring at him with his mouth open and a wide-eyed expression. "What are you, the village idiot?"
"Hey! That's not nice, you big jerk! Who do you think you are anyway!" said the teen with an exuberant voice.
"I'm the Emperor's Head General, First Class, you dumbass, so move or I'll have you arrested and beheaded." Replied Yuki with a smirk clouding his breath taking face. "Move. Now."
Without waiting for Shuichi's reply, Yuki maneuvered his horse around the boy and took off at a gallop, heading for the residential area of town to deliver his decrees. Shuichi just stood in the street, staring after the angry blonde.
"He was so…so…cool." Said Shuichi with a dreamy expression on his juvenile face. "And so attractive…WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING? He's a man! Ahh!"
With this though in his head, Shuichi went tearing down the street, to quickly finish the shopping assignments to displace the image of the elegant general.
Yuki couldn't believe what had just happened. A rather angry teenager, who happened to be border lining on the cute side, had just accosted him.
"Kids these days…" muttered the general as he pulled into the residential district and dismounted. "Unbelievable."
He moved through the houses, handing out decrees and ignoring the distasteful remarks that some of the villagers were throwing his way. If he had had more troops, he would have declared them rebellious and taken them all out. But alas, he had five men and twelve 'maidens'. Scary army. Real scary.
Upon reaching the Shindou residence, he looked through the open gate and saw a smiling girl that greatly resembled the teen that had just verbally attacked him in the street. He approached her and she called for her father to come.
"Are you the head of the household?" asked Yuki calmly to the approaching man. "I have a decree from the Emperor."
As Yuki read the decree, the man's face, and the face of his daughter, darkened. When Yuki had finished the girl cried out and ran for the house.
"How can your emperor do this! I though he wanted the best for the people, not for himself!" exclaimed the man in an angry tone.
"Stop that blasphemous talk or I will declare you a rebel and execute you here and now." Replied the general in a murderous, yet bored tone. "You have one hour to respond to the decree."
Yuki then turned and left the house, mounted his horse, and rode back to his encampment, keeping an eye out for the boy from earlier.
Two hours later, Shuichi returned to the house just in time for dinner. His sister was nowhere to be seen, and his father was looking very sad. His mother, on the other hand, looked very joyful. His grandmother was preoccupied with trying to find another cricket.
"Shuichi! You haven't heard the good news! Maiko has been sent to serve the Emperor! She has brought honor to our family at last!" exulted his mother happily as she sat down rice for dinner.
"What? Gone to serve the emperor? What do you mean?" exclaimed Shuichi in a nervous voice. "Why?"
His father handed him the decree with a sad look and it fell from Shuichi's hands after he had finished reading it.
"How can you do this to her? Her being a concubine to the pervert emperor will not bring honor to this family! This is a load of crap!"
"Shuichi! You will not speak as such. Go to the shrine to pray and redeem your horrible words." Said his mother as she turned her back to him. "Go!"
When he neared the door, he turned around to see his father wipe a tear from his eye. Maiko had always been very close to his heart. His grandmother was blowing her nose in a handkerchief, with tears streaming down her wrinkled cheeks. That's when Shuichi knew what he had to do.
He quickly ran to the shrine, and prayed for good luck on his journey. He was traveling to the capital, to rescue his sister before she lost her own honor to the freak of an Emperor.
"Ancestors, if you're there, send someone to help me, to help Maiko. We need you now, more than ever."
With these words, he blew out the ceremonial candle and ran for the stables. He mounted the large horse and took off through the gate, leaving only his lucky cricket behind to show his family what he had done.
The head ancestor woke with a start. Someone in the family finally made a worthy prayer, and now he had to figure out how to answer it. Up until now, the family he served had never made any legitimate prayers. Shuichi usually prayed for an extra shipment of pocky, his grandmother prayed for good cricket populations, the parents of the house prayed for obedience and prosperity, while Maiko actually prayed for honor to come to the family. All of these prayers he had been able to ignore, but now, he needed to respond. Two Shindou lives were at stake.
He called upon his assistant, Ryuichi, to ring the gong that would summon the other ancestors.
An elderly woman sprang out of one of the nearest tombstones and immediately started complaining about the current situation.
"This recklessness doesn't come from my side of the family! I only claim Maiko's honorable actions! I refuse to accept that fool of a boy Shuichi!"
Three tombstones down, a more peaceable ancestor ambled out of his resting place.
"The boy is just trying to help his sister! The emperor of our time was an honorable man, but the emperor of this day is a dishonest pervert. Shuichi's actions are in the right."
"No they're not! That boy has and will further dishonor his family with his actions! We must stop him. And quickly." Retorted the first ancestor.
"No. Yes…we must send someone to assist the children. Shuichi will need all the help he can get to pass in the army. And then they'll need an escort to return home. The Huns are on the march, as of a few days past." Argued the second ancestor with logic displayed on his complacent face.
When the two ancestors had stopped bickering, everyone else had their chance to interject. After a heated debate, the ancestors decided in favor of logic. Now all they had to do was come to an agreement on which ancestor to send for assistance.
"We should send the Dragon, he is the strongest!"
"NO! The monkey, he is the wisest!"
"Dragon!"
"Monkey!"
"STOP IT! We shall send the Hare, quickest of all. No more bickering, everyone back to sleep." Said the head guardian testily as he eyed his resting place with a desiring look.
With that, Ryuichi rang the gong and the Hare guardian sprang to life.
"Nya…you want Ryu to go with you, eh Kuma-chan? You do? Great! Road trip, road trip to help Shuichi!" squealed Ryuichi as he put the Rabbit guardian back to sleep.
Ryuichi grabbed his stuffed rabbit and ran out of the temple, through the gate, and out of the town to track down Shuichi.