Christmas on Tatooine
FanFiction Administrator: Master Porky Minch, for good behavior on this sight by not doing anything for months now, we have decided to free you of your sentence of Fanfiction Jail early, so long as you make sure to read and follow our rules and guidelines. Do you accept?
P.M: Your honor, I do accept.
FanFiction Administrator: Then by the power invested in me, I hearby declare you, Master Porky Minch, a free man.
P.M: Thank you, your honor.
(1 hour later, New Pork City)
P.M: *walks into Empire Pork Building, takes a look around* ...Hm. Here I thought that Lidio would have changed everything around just to piss me off... oh well. *sits back at computer, begins typing*
Lidio: Hey Octavia, have you seen the keys to my- *sees Master Porky Minch typing on computer* Oh, you're back. I thought you were gonna be there forever.
P.M: They let me out early for being a good little boy, but that doesn't exactly change the fact that I've fallen way behind on my FanFictions because of the sentence.
Lidio: Oh come now tubby, you just got out of prison, you should relax... in fact, why don't you tell Lidia, Octavia and I a story to get in the Christmas mood?
P.M: ...Oh, alright. Get those 2 lovers and bring them over here, I've got a special story for you all.
(10 minutes later, Lidio Lidia and Octavia sitting around Porky)
P.M: Well, now I tell you a story that only I know. A story... about Christmas on Tatooine. A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away... oh crap, I forgot the disclaimer!
Disclaimer: You know damn well.
BEGIN!
'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through Tatooine,
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even the Footinies.
"But we are not called 'Footinies'!"
Shut up, you stupid Jawa.
"...Aw..."
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care...
And Jabba was passing some really bad air.
"Butta gushnik clia gratyhu, booshva greika." the massive crime lord, Jabba the Hutt, said to his new slave girl, Leia Organa. Leia just laid there by his side and tried to at least pretend she knew what Jabba was talking about. Quite frankly, she barely understood a thing he said. Nevertheless, the Hutt just kept blabbering on to her, somehow expecting her to know what he's explaining. "Zulias weshi bda, grushediuas nosiak frytop gushk, gro shern guf diace bo-" Suddenly he stopped, was silent for a couple of seconds, and then, even though Leia didn't bother to look up to her master's face, she knew he had just gained an ugly grin. "Oogh. Jabba fuchias doopa gasco."
Leia tried to keep herself from doing something she would regret, but it was extremely hard since she knew what Jabba was going to do next. Though she knew very little of the Huttesse language, she knew that the word 'gasco' meant gas. Sure enough, Jabba's body raised slightly as he ever so slightly leaned to the right. The next thing Leia knew, there was a deep rumbling sound from under the massive slug, and a stench had come up that would make even a pack of flesh-hungry zombies flee in disgust. As he returned to his regular position, he began to let out his usual deep Huttesse laugh, only this one was filled with the immaturity of all Master Porky Minch's Math classes combined. "Hehehe, bushcrius grotu roghe es buca."
Just as Leia was praying for something to come to keep her from trying to do anything that would get her killed, Jabba's door was opened, and in came Boba Fett, the greatest bounty hunter in the galaxy, in his entire suit that Leia couldn't ever recall seeing him without. "Hey Jabba, I need $50 so I can get a gift for my-" he began, only to stop short and sniff the air around him. "Oh dear God, what the Hell is that stench?"
"Groscu gasco bootago Leia, chuckoo tusius." Jabba replied to his favorite bounty hunter.
Leia of course couldn't understand Jabba, but Boba Fett understood him just fine. "Man, I can't really judge for her, but I'm pretty sure Leia does not like smelling that crap." It was kind of funny, Boba Fett indirectly standing up for her.
"Graciat buchas moohdrei froockta, boogh daf Santa Hutt no suu teia druuto." Jabba responded, sounded a bit agitated.
"Oh right, like farting to the point where you choke everyone in your palace in their sleep is going to keep Santa the Hutt from getting into your milk and cookies. Do you know why you can never keep Santa Hutt from stealing the milk and cookies? It's because he doesn't exist." At this Jabba emmitted a shocked gasp as Boba continued. "He never existed, and he never will."
"Booka shoothy fuyai moothen buckurs, theia teia druuto?!"
"He keeps eating your milk and cookies because you're eating them! You're always getting into these multiple personality things! First, you put on a Darth Vader helmet and spent 5 hours pretending you could force choke and looking for some kind of plans because you thought you were Jabba the Sith Hutt, then at the Sarlacc Pit, you killed Luke and all his friends while you were in Batman's mask and armor, singing a song about Jabba the Bat Hutt, and who could forget the time you found a random pitchfork, so you glued bat wings and horns to yourself, thinking you were someone named 'El Diablo Hutt'? And with all that in mind, you expect me to believe in Santa the Hutt?!"
Then, Jabba got real angry; his eyes began to burn with anger, and he did what all Hutts do to relieve such a great amount of stress, and that was throwing a huge pissy fit over it. "Wutta buga chu ford Gushcka!" he screamed at the top of his lungs while he began to flail his stubby little arms around. "Huttase bush forkuu glok buediascko!"
"Alright, alright, I'm sorry, ok? Eesh, take a freaking chill pill." Boba said. He was rather used to seeing Jabba throw those kinds of fits, but that still didn't mean they didn't annoy him the slightest. "Now, as I was trying to say earlier, I need $50 so I can go find my girlfriend a Christmas present."
"Hm? Gucha boosk fortiam josk glob 50,000. Bucka skoopiad frute?"
"Yeah, you gave me 50,000... in Republic Credits! I already tried to use them to buy the gift, but when I tried, that fat blue creep that owns that shop said-"
"Republic Credits?" said a voice from right outside the room. Suddenly, the wall broke and made way for Watto, who tackled his way through the wall to get to Jabba's room the minute he heard the word credits. As he laid on the ground for a few seconds, Jabba and Boba Fett stared as he got up again to say his most iconic quote from the Phantom Menace: "Republic credits are no good out here, I need something a little more real." Boba Fett took no hesitation in killing Watto, thus ending his life. After that, they all went to sleep after celebrating their usual Christmas festivities. The next day, as usual, the milk and cookies were gone, and Jabba put yet another bounty on Santa the Hutt's head, making that 200 consecutive bounties on his head alone.
So know that whenever you're opening your presents and celebrating the holidays, there are others who celebrated this holiday a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away...
Lidio: ...Just a few questions so you don't get flamed by the reviewers: This happened after the sail barge, correct?
P.M: Yeah, why?
Lidio: Well, Jabba was strangled to death by Leia at that scene, why is he still alive?
P.M: Well, you see, I'm pretty sure my readers can use a bit of imagi-
Octavia: Also, how do you knoe Watto's most iconic quote is what you said it was?
P.M: I'm pretty sure everybody knows abou-
Lidia: And not to mention, where the Hell have you been? You haven't posted anything on this sight for months!
P.M: Well, I'm sure I can make up a good enough excuse to-
Lidio: Are you really going to make your fans wait that long? Is that what you want for them?
P.M: Well, when you put it that way, not really, but I-
Octavia: Then why the Hell haven't you been here?! Where were you?!
P.M: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You all think you're God, but you're not! *runs to room sobbing*
Lidia: ...What a baby.
Merry Christmas, and sorry for such a long wait.
Q: What's your favorite Watto quote?