I've always been the kid to stand alone in a corner never talking to anyone minding my own business, i guess it's just easier that way if I don't talk to people i don't get my hopes up that I will actually make a friend and then when they realize how fucked up i am they laugh and call me names. I feel like I'm worthless, scratch that I know that I'm worthless I hate everything about my self especially my face I'm so ugly no wonder when people see me they stare and laugh.
People would call me depressed and yeah that is true i do have a severe case of depression which undoubtedly makes me want to kill myself its not like I can help it you know i just get really sad sometimes, and during those times is when i get the scars. The scars that cover up my wrists and my thighs, people wonder why I wear allot of sweaters and jeans well its to cover these disgusting things, I know I shouldn't be cutting myself but it just seems to ease away the pain like in that shallow dark moment I don't feel anything it's like I'm completely numb to the outside world, it lets me escape. The first time I thought about killing my self was 4 years ago when i was 12. (FLASHBACK) I was at school sitting in my corner that I usually sat in when a group of boys came over and asked me to play, and me being a naive little twelve year old i stupidly agreed they said that we were going to play hide and go seek. So I was picked to be the one to seek everyone out and after I had counted to ten I started looking around, I looked high and low for the boys but couldn't find them so I decided to give up and go back to my corner only when i got there the group of boys were standing there clenching their fists. They started calling me names they called me FAG, FAIRY, HOMO, QUEER, COCKSUCKER, every homophobic name in the dictionary. I was standing strong I knew that there words couldn't actually hurt me so I stood there starring at them, until one of them a much bigger boy decided to push me, I fell down onto my head and cried out.
That only seemed to make them angrier though, they all began kicking and bunching me with all there strength I begged for them to stop I screamed at the top of my lungs begging that someone would here me but nobody came, I started to feel dizzy and everything started fading but I could still here the boys yelling at me they kept telling me to kill myself they said that if I did everyone would be happier they told me nobody would ever love a faggot. The next thing I knew I was in a hospital and when I woke up I asked the nurse where my parents where and the nurse told me that my parents had abandoned me. I didn't understand it why would they just up and leave me? But then I remembered what those boys told me, I thought that the reason my parents left my was because i was gay and that I was a disgrace to the family I left the hospital that night and was put into my first foster home, there i had a room about the size of a shoe closet, the foster mother gave me a toothbrush, soap, a razor, and clothes. I decided then that I wanted to was the day away so I got in the shower but as soon as I was in there the memories of the day started flooding back like a tsunami of lightning bolts, and i couldn't take it, I couldn't handle being the reason for everyone anger and sadness so I thought about killing myself I took the blade out of my razor and brought it to my wrist, I slid it across the flesh hissing at the pain but continuing on, watching the blood flow from the cut and drip onto the shower floor. I cut at least four times until I started feeling dizzy, I was going to cut again, I was going to make this fifth one count this one was going to put a end to my misery and bring joy to the lives around me, but as I brought the blade to my wrist my foster mother stormed into the bathroom gasping while taking the blade and pulling me out of the shower.
So now you know how it all started and you also no I'm gay, not gold star gay I don't like the glitter or the guy liner well maybe I could give the guy liner a try but everything else a gold star gay would like I'm not into. I just like guys I find them attractive, to bad for me they don't find me attractive not that I blame them or anything I mean I know I'm ugly it's not a surprise. To be honest I've never had a boyfriend and I don't really want one well I do but I can;t have one. I don't want to have a boyfriend because I don't want anyone to care about me, because when I end my life I don't want to have the guy feel bad or cry I already make everyone sad i just don't need that. No I'm better off by myself I don't need anyone, I Just need to get out, I need to end this torture I need to get out of this cruel world i just need to...end it all.