Over time, anything turns into a habit.
Unpleasant things. Abnormal things. Things that can hurt you badly.
It's something one becomes used to and considers it to be the normalest thing in the world, in time.
Because that is perhaps what every person strives to be: Normal.
.
But one:
in a world where even abnormal things are as common as daylight…. To be shunned from there is a strange, strange thing.
And two:
There are some things you will never learn to get used to…
.
As the person I am…. Although I still dare-not tell.. It was quite 'normal' for me to be out-casted.
With all its consequences.
But despite submitting to my fate, I could not help but to develop a rather… 'clingy' personality.
Trust issues, you may well call them. An inner turmoil of wanting to protect those few who did accept me from others. But also to protect them from myself.
Commonly, I answered to the latter. If I were capable of letting them enjoy a happy life without my presence, then that was a price I was willing to pay.
Except for….. Two. Rather 'uncommon' individuals.
One, even rasher then the others.
.
Though they both took turns in who could do more dangerous things then his companion, ultimately challenging each other to go a step above…
I do think that Sirius was the boldest of them both.
He was the one who got most upset with me when they found out about my 'secret'.
Not because he hated what I was. Not because he was disillusioned about me.
But because I had kept something like this from them. And had acted distant because of it.
'You seriously think you can shoulder it all alone, Remus!?'
'You say you're being shunned, but aren't you the one locking us out right now!? You're the one locking yourself out!'
It were words that hurt. Because I knew they were true.
I knew they were people who would not betray my trust.
And they went through great lengths to prove that trust to me over and over and over again…..
That is why…..
…
Losing that precious treasure hurts so much.
.
Since that time, I have lost every single person whom I have ever dared to call 'friend'
But let me ask you. Do you believe losing a friend in death is the most terrible thing that can happen to you?
It…. Really is not.
I morn their premature deaths every day my life has undeservingly been longer than theirs.
James's…
Lilly's…
Peter's…
But concerning them, I hold peace.
I am in no way ashamed to call them my friends. The ones I love very dearly above anything.
I consider myself proud to be so close to such inspiring people!
.
But what hurts the most….
Is to no longer be allowed to love one of them.
We had been betrayed. By a person I treasured more than my own life.
Lacking all honor. Compassion. Conscious.
Sirius….
My dear dear Sirius.
Many times, I have wondered why. Why would YOU, above anyone else, fall?
What has brought you to this.. this madness?
How much of those memories, that time we shared, had been a lie?
Our laughter. Our tears. Our usually unjust fits of anger. Our embarrassing secrets. Silly crushes. Fears. Joys. Our bonds.
Were they really all lies?
.
I hate it. I hate it more than anything my lycanthropic nature has ever wronged me in.
I hate how you took away everything that I cared deeply for.
I hate how you've become a person I don't know.
And… I hate myself for not being able to hate you.
.
This nostalgic aching of my heart whenever a one of so many fond memories surface… As I try to push them away, desperately.
Trying to forget you. To make it go away. But never, NEVER being able to.
And this guilt. This guilt that is eating away at me day by day, for not being able to think of you as a traitor who destroyed my world….
I will probably never get used to those ideas..
.
This…
Is proof to me that I loved you above everyone else.