The Turkey Saga
Episode 1: The Screwed Up Start
By Darnoc
Raymond and I were on an expedition when our plane crashed. The pilot was killed when a flying, singing banana sneaked into the cockpit and made him listen to Cher. The passengers died similarly except it was a performing barbershop trio of apples that polished them off. We couldn't hear them because we were watching Tron and had the headphones on full blast. If the plane didn't crash into the mountain, we could've found the answer to the ultimate question, what was the name of the bad guy in Tron? Damn…
Raymond and I had been living in the wilderness for months with no necessities apart from a Swiss army knife, a hunting rifle, a raft and a tent with sleeping bags. We lived of moose, rabbits and the near-by Taco Bell with no staff. Finally, we reached a hill above a village. Walking could take days but we had…a sled!
We shot down the hill with all our supplies on board. We were on the way to civilization.
We were no less than 1/8 down the hill when we heard a strange noise. It went "gobble, gobble, gobble!" I pondered, "What the bloody hell was that?" I thought. We turned and saw the most terrifying sight in the world. It was a huge flock of turkeys, but not the kind you eat for your Xmas din-dins, no, these were rabid turkeys.
Swarms of them headed down the hill towards us. "Prepare for battle" I shouted to Raymond. I brandished the rifle as a baseball bat and Raymond grabbed a frying pan. I smashed any turkey's head with the rifle butt that came near. Raymond did the same but also chucked some Molotov cocktails. Don't know where he got them from.
We took a rest after a lot of turkeys were crushed and flambėd. "Dude, I can't believe we did it!" laughed Raymond. I smiled and nodded. But a rumbling came from all side of the hill.
More rabid turkeys poured in from all sides. We…were…screwed. "Dude, use these" said Raymond. He handed me the following: a shotgun with 1000 shells, grenades and a combat-print bandana. Yet again, I failed to ask were he got them from. I tied the bandana around my fore head and screamed "I SHALL BE THE NEXT RAMBO!" I fired shells and tossed explosives for my life. No rabid turkey escaped my wrath, soon they all lay dead. Victory was mine.
We arrived at the village. Strangely though, it was in ruins! "Blinking Nora!" I screamed. There was another rabid turkey. But this one was freaking huge. "Dude," chuckled Raymond "check it out, Turkey Kong©!" "Can someone care to explain what the flip is happening?" I shouted. "IT IS THE APOCALYPSE," bellowed the giant turkey "TURKEYS ALL OVER THE WORLD ARE OVERTHROWING FARMERS AND KILLING ALL HUMANS BY ORDER OF THE TURKEY GOD!"
"The Turkey God?" wondered Raymond, whose stoned out brain couldn't handle this much information. We couldn't defeat this jumbo sized poultry. We were doomed to be pecked to death.
"Not zo fast, le turkey brain" shouted a voice with a French accent. "Caww" squawked a bird. We looked behind us only to see a beret wearing, living bunch of grapes with a claymore sword and a raven with a bazooka. "Dude, I gotta be stoned" sighed Raymond.
Next thing I knew, the grapes climbed into the bazooka. "On your command mon companion" he shouted to the raven. "Caww!" squawked the raven as he launched the grapes towards the turkey's deltoids. "Vive la France!" screamed the living grapes as he thrusted his claymore into the obese turkey's shoulder.
Once Turkey Kong©'s mouth was wide open screaming, I noticed the raven loading his bazooka. "Nevermore" quote the raven.
FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!
The missile was launched. It went down the turkey's mouth, traveled around the throat and blew up next to the heart. The large turkey exploded from the inside. A gizzard hit me in the eye and a liver smacked Raymond in the face and knocked him over. "Le guerre est almost finished!" chortled the French grapes. "Who or better yet, what are you?" I asked the grapes. "Oh but of course mon cheri, J'mappelle Pierre and mon companion s'appelle Johnny" answered the grapes. "Nevermore" quote the raven.
After we introduced ourselves we joined forces to fight the rabid turkeys and The Turkey God as the Turkey Carvers. We are also trying to find the name of the bad guy in Tron. If you know, send your answer to and I will send you something cool if you leave your e-mail address. Cheers