It's very odd for someone like me to keep a diary, not only because I am the most horrendous youth that kept denying all the feelings inside but it's because it seem that no one will be interested in a 16 year old cocoon or a school girl that has been shutting herself down from the impeccable world.

Yet, why does that matter? I longed to write but more than that I want to detach the bitterness in me that had accumulated my brain to be so useless, so dependable, so muddle up and…so weak?

I don't want that anymore. Not when I know there's a big future for me that lies some where ahead. Not when I know what I had done to the people around me. And not when I know that I have a fatal disease that could somehow strike me.

Cancer.

I can't abide for something that may or might not come but I know…I'll be ready when it strikes me. I won't trash the time away when I need to redeem back what I had lost. Not anymore.

I won't wait and stick around…because…

I want to stand on my own now.

There are things in life where we want something to just stay the way it is. Sometimes it does and sometime it doesn't. For example; Life. It doesn't go your way every time. Like when I was five and just learned how to cycle. I thought I had nailed a smooth ride, but in a flash of light, I was down on my knees, with bruises on my cheeks. And in another incident when I was twelve, playing with my skateboard. I so had got the hang of the railings, right when I hit that stupid pole. I still have a scar on my forehead, you know.

And at that time, before the taek-kwan-do tournament; I was in the hospital and had my body to be x-tray so that I won't fracture any bones of mine during the sparing. Danny, playing that annoying old brother act, teased me to have my brain check too. Hey, that was an insult!

Dad played along and said okay. I just glared at him and said nothing, thinking he might be joking around. The doctor behind me just smiled but I was horrified to know that she took it seriously. Seriously! She covered all kinds of wires on my head. Somewhere near the exit door, Danny stood watching and laughing his head off. Dad was somewhere behind him, trying to stuff his own laughter. Unfortunately, I heard him laughing in the end.

I am so going to kill that brother of mine.

I thought everything was going to be fine and dandy, 'It's all a joke,' I said to my self right until…

…they found a small tumour in my brain. Gee, way the go to live my glorious life, eh?

So, right at that time, everything came and crashing down. I was disqualified in the tournament though I still can tick the lights off the other competitors. I was banned from going outside which means no skate boarding. I have no friends.

Wait!

Make that 'had' friends.

My friends? Even the one, whom I called 'buddies' ran, scurried away from me. My family now kept pulling me inside their territory, thinking I need them oh-so-much. But what they don't know, at that time, all I need was time on my own, to think. To suck all of the information in, to calm my fears, to….to accept it.

Because of all the unwanted attention I get from them, even from my brothers, I became rebellious and shut my world instantly, bottled all my feelings in.

I was quite all the time. Smile when I need to and laugh at good jokes. Everyone thought I was alright but little did they know I was crumpled inside. My heart was breaking and it felt like my life is crushing into millions of pieces. And it was, right before my very eyes.

Months pass by and I slowly loss my energy to hid the strength which I never had in the first place. I burst crying one night, waking up my entire family. And at that time, they suddenly knew, I wasn't going to be the same anymore. My life has change and at one point, it also changed theirs.

There is a saying that 'paper is more patient than man'. Yeah, right. I can be more patient than that. Okay. Maybe I am not a remote that can control my big ego.

Back to the point.

The saying hit me back, in one of my melancholy moments, where I sat groggily under my bed, hugging my feet tightly and chin on my knees, feeling too sad and distress, to shout or too cry like I use to in every night.

I was there staring, glaring at the picture that had potret the life that I used to had. It was the one where I was in my junior high graduation.

My face glommed with happiness and my body was crushed under the big hugs of my brothers and sisters.

I was a high achiever back then but now I only wonder whether I will be again in my senior high, with 'this condition'. It wasn't going to be the same. I looked away later and tore the picture to pieces. I didn't except fate. Yet.

Advice and critiques are needed and appreaciated.

Read the profile page,author's note to learn more about the sudden, out of the blue chapter.

And sorry for dissapointing you guys.