"You played a hand and you lost. You lost a big fucking hand, but some people lose a big hand like that and still have the shit to ante up again." —Good Will Hunting

Eat me, Fanfiction.

Benny and Joooooon

By GollumRox

Once upon a time in a remote land called Washington, there lived a happy mechanic named Benny. In fact, he was SO happy, he happened to be gay.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

So our story begins with Benny the happy mechanic and his good ol' friend Mr. Stumpy having a little chat instead of random footage of a train and a painting. Why? Because the author doesn't damn well feel like it.

"And then she said to me 'Why don't you just go get a job?!'" explained Mr. Stumpy as Benny was fixing an engine. "Jeezum Crowe, Benny. What's that supposed to mean? I mean…job? What's it mean to get a job?"

Benny took the wrench out of his mouth to respond. "I think it means to fill out an application for a business and then work there."

"Yeah, but what does she mean about ME getting a job? I have a job. I work for you."

"No you don't. I fired you two months ago. You just keep showing up."

Mr. Stumpy furrowed his brow as he tried to recall the memo. "Hmm…oh, right. Ohhhh, okay. So that would explain the, uh…oh, all right. It's all coming back to me. …Damn."

Just then, a clanking noise was heard and Benny's good buddy Eric called out in a panic. "Benny, fuel line!"

Mr. Stumpy shrieked like the pansy he was and dove underneath a table while Benny made the wiser decision by making a dramatic scene and performing a Matrix-worthy kick of a bucket over to the leaking fuel. The bucket slid stealthily until it successfully reached its destination and caught the dripping gas.

Eric yawned. "Tha—"

"Oh, no, no," Benny interrupted, waving a modest hand. "Thank YOU."

Mr. Stumpy sniffled and emerged from his fetal position. "So do you want me to leave, or what?" he casually asked.

"Well, you really have no purpose here," Benny replied.

Mr. Stumpy shrugged and lit himself a joint.

"AY!" Benny suddenly yelled, sounding a lot like Cartman from South Park. "Don't smoke in here, there's a fuel line broke! Dipshit!"

He then proceeded to smack Mr. Stumpy upside the head.

"My bad," Mr. Stumpy apologized and tossed the lit match over his shoulder towards Eric.

"And you wonder why I fired you," Benny muttered as a huge fire exploded from the other side of the garage and Eric's pained screams were heard.

A guy wearing a red and white striped shirt and a matching hat slid into the room, trying to suppress giggles as he flattened himself against the wall.

"Hey, Benny," he whispered and both Benny and Mr. Stumpy looked up at him. "Where aaaaam I?"

"You're right next to the tool rack," he listlessly replied, returning to his work.

"How do you knooooooowww?" the creepy guy sang back.

"Because I can bloody see you," he snapped. He then paused to admire his use of a British curse. "What do you want, Waldo?"

Instead of answering, the creep now known as Waldo scurried over to the adjacent wall and leaned against a blue tarp.

"NOW where am I?"

"You're by the tarp," Benny replied without looking up. "Is there something you wanted?"

"You have a phooooooone caaaaaaaall."

"From whooooo?" he mocked.

"From Joooooooooooooon."

"Tell her I'm buuuuuusy."

"It's an emerrrrrrgency."

This caught Benny off guard. "What?"

"You're out of graaaaaape juuuuuuice."

"Holy CRAP, I have to take this!" Benny shrieked, tossing down his wrench and diving for the phone next to Waldo. "JOON! Are you there?! Can you hear me?!"

"GUYS! GUYS HELP ME!!!" Eric screamed as he rolled around on the ground trying to put out the flames that were burning up his flesh.

"Shh!" Mr. Stumpy hissed. "Quiet! He's on the phone!"

§

An hour and a half later, Benny was still on the phone sorting out the grape juice deal with Joon. At the same time, he tried assisting a woman with her car payments at the front desk, but unfortunately, he learned he wasn't very good at multitasking.

"Yeah, I know," he muttered into the phone, pressing random buttons on his cash register. "All right, all right. Ok—okay! All right. No, I'm not. No, YOU are. No, YOU are! No, YOU—all right, I am. No. Yes, I know. Okay. Okay! All—I kn—Ok—Le—W—Don't—OKAY! YOU shut up! No, YOU shut up! I love you too. Bye."

He set the phone back into the cradle and looked up at the woman.

"Sorry, it'll just be a second," he apologized and then tried to figure out what he did to the cash register while he was on the phone.

"That's fine," she replied sweetly.

Did I mention she was rather hot? Mmm, rawr.

"Was that your girlfriend?"

"No."

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"No."

"Do you want a girlfriend?"

"No."

"Are you straight?"

"No."

"Oh."

During the awkward silence, Benny just made up a list of problems with the car along with the sum of the prices and decided to present it to the lady he didn't find attractive.

"So your total is $947.14," Benny stated.

"What?!" she sputtered. "Are you serious? I only had a flat tire!"

"That's actually a pretty good deal," he said defensively.

"Uh huh. So if I go down the street to Shucks and flash the manager, I'll still get a price over the amount of $947.14?"

"Uhm…I think so."

The woman only stared back at Benny sardonically for a very long time.

"…I'm going to Shucks," she finally told him as she headed out the door.

"Have a nice day!" Benny called after her. "And die tomorrow," he finished under his breath.

§

Since the economy was tanking and gas prices were going through the roof, Benny found it more efficient to walk to and from work. So later that day, he was strolling down his street towards his house, humming a happy tune and taking in the scenery.

Surprisingly enough, his happy humming and massive intake of scenery was just enough to drown out the loud noises coming from his house.

"MY HAIRSPRAY! DON'T YOU DARE, YOU STUPID WENCH!"

"Doody doody doo…" Benny sang as he lollygagged.

A loud crash and thud erupted from the house followed by, "IF I WEREN'T GETTING PAID I'D TAKE THIS BAT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

"What a beautiful day!" he commented as he studied the sickeningly gray sky.

A few dogs began to bark when another crash came from the house.

"OHHH, THAT'S IT! GET OVER HERE!"

Benny paused on his porch to smell a pot of azaleas.

Then, what sounded like a body tumbling down the stairs was heard shortly thereafter followed by a shatter of glass and another crash.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Grinning like an idiot, Benny swung open the door and stepped inside his lovely house.

"I'm ho—" he began but was cut off when his mildly psychotic sister collided with him and then bolted into the next room. "Joon, come back! Tell me about your day!"

Next, the morbidly obese Irish housekeeper, Mrs. Smalley, came bombing into the foyer, a fire poker in one raised arm.

"GET BACK HERE, DEVIL!" she screamed as she followed Joon into the next room. Benny shrugged and crossed the room to hang his coat.

Mrs. Smalley returned to the foyer a few seconds later, fire in her beady little eyes.

"WHERE IS SHE?!" she demanded of nobody in particular.

Before Benny was about to answer her burning question, Joon burst into the room with a hairspray bottle pointed at the housekeeper in one hand and a blowtorch in another.

"DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" were the last requests of Mrs. Smalley before Joon pressed down on the spray, emitting a mist of sticky particles directly at the housekeeper's body. She then proceeded to ignite the mist with the blowtorch until Mrs. Smalley was a huge ball of flames.

"GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" she proclaimed, running around in circles.

Joon dropped her weapons and sprinted up the stairs.

"Hey, Joon, that wasn't very nice," Benny called after her.

"I'M ON FIRE!" Mrs. Smalley told Benny, rather loudly and maniacally.

"Oh, here. I'll get that," he assured her as he grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher and sprayed the contents on the housekeeper.

Unfortunately, the contents were paper snakes which shot out and only fed the fire more.

"What the—?!" Benny mused before he took a look at the label on the fire extinguisher.

It read: 'Joke Fire Extinguisher'.

"Should've seen that coming," he muttered, tossing it aside.

"STILL ON FIRE!!!" Mrs. Smalley reminded him.

"Oh, right!"

Benny grabbed a real fire extinguisher and succeeded in extinguishing the fire as that was what fire extinguishers were supposed to do. Instead of being a ball of flames, Mrs. Smalley was now dripping with white foam, slightly sizzling and emitting a rank stench.

"Is that better?" Benny asked.

A piece of her charred hair snapped off, fell to the floor and disintegrated on impact.

"Okay, I am getting the fook out of here," she decided and brushed past Benny towards the door.

"What?! No! You can't go! I need you! Who's going to watch Joon while I'm at work all day?!" he objected as he ran after her.

"You know, you don't NEED to have her at home all day! There are places called group homes where you can dump off freakish punks like her and move on with your life!"

"Well, that's…not a bad idea. But in the meantime, please don't go! You can't leave me like this! Just give her one more chance!"

"No! I refuse to endanger my life! There's an old saying in Ireland, Mr. Pearl. What did the ocean say to the sea?"

"Uhm…I don't know."

"NOTHING! It just waved!" she concluded before wheeling around and storming out the door.

"…That doesn't make any—"

The door slammed.

Benny stood cemented in his place for a very long time. In the distance a coyote howled and a tumbleweed rolled across the floor.

"WHY, JOON, WHY?!" he screamed and fell to the ground.

§

GollumRox read over those last few sentences, shrugged, and decided to post it on fanfiction. She was too tired and sleepy from staying up til 2:30 watching her stupid show to laugh maniacally at the fanfiction dictators for resurrecting her story and decided to just slump in her seat and allow Ewan and Jude to laugh and throw cabbage at the computer, thinking it would affect the fanfiction people.