James Potter ran an anxious hand through his shaggy, black hair.
"Watcha lookin' at, Prongs?" Sirius asked. He followed James's gaze down the table, his eyes latching onto the form of one slender redhead she-witch. He gave James a knowing look.
"Don't bother, Padfoot," James started, but before he could finish his mournful warning, the exuberant marauder stood up on the long Gryffindor table.
The now-flowing Great Hall of students turned as one to glance at him. James noted that a number of girls were watching his best mate with wide eyes and open mouths.
"James," Sirius started in a loud, carrying voice. He raised his arms up in the air, as if he wanted to hug the entire room.
"Shut up, Padfoot," James muttered, ducking his head. He could feel the searing gaze of one particular pair of emerald eyes.
Ignoring him, Sirius continued, "Perhaps you should move to a different seat on this extremely crowded table."
James had the urge to jab his wand up his mate's conk, but decided against it. Instead, he sunk lower in his seat, disliking this particular attention.
"For you are no longer wanted in the quadru…puddle of Marauderly seating," Sirius went on, "And I suggest you move-" He broke off, his eyes speeding down the table, mumbling something under his breath, "-down at least sixteen seats to the left if you wish you live."
James gritted his teeth, approximating that sixteen seats would put him directly in front of the redhead who was now watching him with growing distaste.
He caught her gaze and widened his eyes, trying to show her that he had certainly not approved this show. But she broke away from his desperate look, and turned her head to watch what Sirius was doing now.
James's eyes almost fell out of his head, because his best mate was…
Later…
"Stripping?!" Professor McGonagall screeched, her eyes bulging, "And don't you tell me someone authorized this little… strip show! My goodness. I simply cannot believe we have raised such…imbeciles—and on the day the Minister of Magic was coming as well! Good gracious, I thought he was about to have a heart attack!"
Sirius sat silently, a satisfied look in his eyes, as he listened to McGonagall's lecture.
Then she turned to James. He ran a nervous hand through his hair, then grabbed it and slapped it warningly (Lily disliked that habit of his).
"And you Mr. Potter. How could you possibly have thought it would make it less embarrassing for both Albus, the Minister, and I, if you jumped onto the bloody table and started taking your clothes off as well? Merlin's beard, I've never been more embarrassed in my life!"
James waited as patiently as Sirius for McGonagall to finish. And she finally did- with a slightly unhappy statement:
"A month's detention for both of you- and that means NO HOGSMEADE!"
And she stormed out angrily, her robes whipping behind her.
James looked at Sirius, and Sirius looked at James. They both grinned.
Much Later…
"McGonagall said she's never seen a pair of fitter boys in her life- and she's right, you should see my abs; I've been lifting weights lately." Sirius flexed his arm and winked at James from his spot between a number of drooling females.
One had the courage to reach out and squeeze a bicep. Her cheeks turned red and she fainted.
James gagged. Remus gagged. Lily gagged. Peter…swooned?
"James, may I speak to you?" Lily was suddenly beside the shaggy-haired Quidditch player.
He resisted the urge to run a hand through his hair. "Of course."
They stood up and made their way through the crowds of girls around Sirius, and out the portrait hole.
"Perhaps on the grounds," Lily muttered, looking flustered.
James followed, confused, but silent. He wished Lily would tell him what it was she wished to speak to him about. As the thoughts were running through his head, he realized that Lily had called him James.
They were out on the grounds now, and James could see his breath. Lily turned to him, snowflakes falling onto her fiery hair. He half expected them to melt, but they just lay there, trembling as she was.
"Are you cold?" James reached out to her for a moment, then pulled back, afraid of her anger.
Lily nodded, her emerald eyes shimmering.
James felt a knot in his stomach as she opened her mouth to speak. He stared at her rosy lips and the moist breath casting warm clouds in the air.
"Take your shirt off, James."
James could hardly believe what he heard. First, she had called him by his given name, rather than his surname, and second….
"Take my shirt off?"
"Take your shirt off."
"Why would you possibly want me to do that?" His mouth was hanging open.
Lily stepped closer and pushed an icy hand beneath his jacket. "I've heard so much about those…abs of yours." Her voice held an edge of derision.
"Perhaps the cold is getting to you, Lily…maybe we should uh…maybe- maybe we should…" But he couldn't think as her hands lid across his muscular midsection.
"Oh, James. I could hardly keep myself in my seat when you took off your shirt this morning." Lily's bright eyes met his own. She licked her lips.
Suddenly, a small, blonde Hufflepuff in a blue jacket ran out the doors and pushed Lily out of the way.
"James!" she cried, her blue eyes wide, "Don't listen to her. She doesn't love you the way I do. She's only yanking your wand! Metaphorically speaking- of course."
"Wh-who are you?" James asked, thoroughly confused now.
"I'm Mary-Sue; the epitome of a cliché Lily/James fanfiction. I'm just coming here to trick you and take Lily's place in your life. We'll probably have delicious evenings in broom closets for the next few chapters, then you'll lose interest in me because all I can do is drool and act awestruck." Mary-Sue watched him, awestruck.
"You'll probably dump me after a few days of deep thought and your fiery love for Lily will rekindle. She'll finally see you as the sweet, wonderful man you are and realize her love for you was always there, unnoticed. You two will begin dating like you should have many years ago and everyone will accept it as completely normal."
Mary-Sue's eyes glowed now, her face twisting angrily.
"And I will forever be forgotten…until I come back! I'll return a few years into your wonderful lives and begin seducing James. And he will fall for my charm with the old 'But I thought I was kissing you, Lily!' thing, though it's completely impossible for him to mistake us."
Then her face fell.
"But you and Lily will make amends and all will be set right. And then I'll trudge home, sadly, only to find another book's hero to seduce.
Mary-Sue let out a sigh.
"I love you, James!" Lily called.
And with her sudden, Out Of Character words, Mary-Sue's entire plot line disappeared, and all that was left was a patch of stepped-on snow, and a new couple.
FIN.