Sam stood in his darkened bedroom and watched the snowstorm raging outside. "It's white", he thought, "Just like a new piece of paper".
He wasn't thinking about paper.
He watched the snowstorm and his life came into view. The lost moments that, even now, he wanted to share with his dad. He wanted to wind everything back so that his father could be there for the little moments.
The time he was 8 and he fell off his bike 3 houses down. After Mike's mom cleaned him up and bandaged it, he walked home only to find it empty.
That night, when he was sure his parents were asleep; he took his pillow and blanket and went to his treehouse. He put his head on the pillow and started to cry. "Daddy," he said through his tears, "you were s'posed to be here today. I came home after I fell off my bike and nobody was here. Did I do somethin' to make you so mad at me that you didn't want to be here with me after school? I'm really very sorry if I did", he sniffled. As his tears threatened to break again, he whispered, "Daddy, do you still love me?"
His first regatta cup when he was 15. He felt his heart constrict when the race finished and saw his mom giddy with happiness. All of the other fathers were there, congratulating their sons, but his dad wasn't. The congratulations from his friends' fathers were nice, but he wanted to hear his father say it and pat him on the back for it. He wanted so much to hear his father say, "I'm very proud of you, Sam." He really just wanted to go home. In his room, he put the trophy on a shelf and stepped back to admire it when he felt his eyes sting and the tears tracing down his face.
"Daddy, do you still love me?"
His high school graduation. He was first in his class and was giving the valedictory address. As his eyes scanned the crowd, he saw his mother in tears but his father was nowhere in the audience. He'd wanted him to be here for this. To hear his speech, to watch him receive his diploma. To see him get the one thing he'd never imaged. The Superintendent called him up and told him that he had a full academic scholarship to Princeton: tuition, room and board. He wouldn't have to worry about a thing. Later that night, after he'd come home from all of the parties, he saw his diploma and certificate from Princeton on the kitchen table. Knowing that his father hadn't seen them, he took them up to his room, sat on the bed and looked them both over. Even now, tears threatened his happiness. "Dad," he whispered when he looked at them, "you would've been so proud of me if you had been there."
"Daddy, do you still love me?"
His first homecoming weekend at Princeton. He knew that his mom wasn't coming and he understood, but he'd hoped that his dad would come. He missed them so very much. As much as he loved being at Princeton, he was still far from home and wished for something familiar, comforts from home. Friday morning of Homecoming, Sam checked his voicemail after coming in from his class and had a message from his dad. He was sorry but he couldn't come out this weekend, either. Some client meeting or firm business, he wasn't sure since he'd stopped listening after his dad said he wasn't going to be there. He felt his heart constrict a little more and a sick feeling settle in his stomach. That's when the anger started.
"Daddy, do you still love me?"
His father had made it to his Princeton and Duke graduations and was ecstatic when Sam told him he had to study for the NY Bar Exam because he'd been offered a junior counselor position at Dewey Ballantine. His score was only 3 points away from being perfect. He got the call 2 days before he was to be sworn in as a member of the NY Bar. He'd stopped listening to his messages after he'd said he couldn't be there. His heart constricted again, but not as much as it did at the swearing-in ceremony.
As Sam waited for his chance to sign the register, he scanned the crowd as a reflex. His mom was there and looked like she was going to fly through one of the windows and tell the world that her son was a practicing lawyer now. That's when he really felt the absence of his father. The man that he'd worshipped since before he could walk wasn't here to watch his son join his profession, as Sam had always wanted to. They would still be father and son, but now they were colleagues as well. That's when his heart really constricted and he could feel another layer of anger settle into his stomach.
"Daddy, do you still love me?"
They called each other not too often, since they were both busy. His father had been home when he'd brought Lisa out the first time since they got engaged and he told Sam right then that once they had a date to call and let him know about it so he could be there. Sam knew he'd be calling his assistant rather than his father so that she could put it in his schedule.
"Daddy, do you still love me?"
He'd called his dad about the breakup and going to work on Bartlet's campaign. He had to leave messages since he didn't pick up his cell when he called. He called to congratulate Sam after Illinois and came to some of the Bartlet events around Santa Monica, one of which he was able to bring them back to meet his friends and to introduce them to Governor and Dr. Bartlet after the event was over. He gave his regrets when they invited his parents to dinner, and the constriction began again and the anger grew a little bit larger.
"Daddy, do you still love me?"
They really didn't talk much after that. Sam got busy with the election, then the inaugural speech. Occasional calls, emails and genetics held them together. It was one of those occasional calls that caused the harsh implosion of his family.