What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

by Akitoa.k.a.Kito

Butler dances like a dancing bear, and Artemis and Foaly go head to head in a battle that involves a giant pendulum...um...just please read and review.

Artemis was eating a Klondike bar. "Butler," he said, "What would you do for a Klondike bar?"

Butler starts to sweat, because if he answers this question wrong, he will face eternity in hell.

"Ah…" he started, dropping pools of sweat, "…um…I would dance like a dancing bear."

Artemis laughed. Butler laughed a little nervously and started to reach for another Klondike bar in the fridge.

"Dance like a dancing bear for me," Artemis said.

Butler said, "No."

"Dance."

"No."

"That's an order."

"Damn those orders." Butler looked at the doorway and no one seemed to be heading into the room, so he quickly danced like a dancing bear.

"Hello!" Juliet waved in the entrance way. "Brother! What in heavens are you doing?"

Butler said, "Ah! Juliet!" He stopped dancing. "I was…ah…doing nothing."

"Oh really," she said narrowing her eyes. "Then why were you dancing like a dancing bear!"

Butler said, "Gahh!"

Then Juliet went into tears and said, "You did the dancing bear for Artemis, but you wouldn't do the Grinch for me!"

"The Grinch?" Artemis asked.

"Yes, the Grinch!" Juliet answered.

"There is no Grinch!" Butler yelled.

"Oh, I need to see the Grinch," Juliet narrowed her eyes even more.

"Me too," Artemis said.

"Why do you need to see? You saw me dance like a dancing bear already!" Butler said.

"Because…(big booming voice comes in) WITH THE POWER INVESTED IN ME, ARTEMIS FOWL, I COMMAND YOU TO DO THE GRINCH!" he said with a bellowing voice so loud, that it made a crack in Foaly's computer system a few million miles below.

"Ah! My computer," said Foaly. "Time to do the recovering ritual! Holly! Get in here! This is an emergency! No joke!"

Holly rushed in there, with one toothbrush in her mouth and a knife in another.

"What are you doing with a knife?" Foaly asked.

"I was cutting Root's toenails!" she replied. That was when Foaly saw the surgical gloves on her.

"Why were you cutting Root's toenails?"

"Well, Foaly, why is the Earth round? Why does the sun spin around the Earth? Why don't you ask me more questions like that?"

"Well," Foaly said, "my computer broke, so you have to try to repair it."

"Holly!" bellowed Root, which made a crack in Artemis's computer a million miles above. "Holly! (another crack) I need my nails to be cut! They're bleeding!"

Foaly's eyes widen with shock.

"What you need are bandages!" Holly replied back.

"But I want you to cut the other long ones!" Root bellowed back.

Foaly grabbed Holly's arm. "All I ask is for you to save her!" He pointed to the computer.

Holly sparked some fairy dust and the computer crack was gone. "Now, if you must," Holly forced his hand off her arm, "I must go back to Root."

"Might I ask, why do you have a toothbrush in your mouth?"

"Because I'm going to shove it up his –"

"Your computer has a crack, Artemis," Juliet said.

"Well, I'll always buy a new one. I've got money. When you have money, you can just throw it out the window whenever you like," he replied.

"Yeah," said Butler, "like the time you were holding a ten dollar bill out the window to watch it flail in the wind, when the car was going at one-hundred miles per hour!"

"Well," Artemis sat up in his chair, "at least I'm not the one who put out a million dollar out the window in the chutes of the magma flares!"

"I wasn't the one trying to kidnap a fairy named Holly, who had a damn acorn in her pocket."

"That fairy ransom gave us money."

"That was thrown out the window."

Juliet was listening to the conversation, then said, "Brother, do the Grinch for me!"

"No."

"Please!" she glared her big eyes at him, at the brink of tears.

"You're eyes will not make me pitiful! You can live without the Grinch!"

"But I won't!" Artemis said.

"TOENAILS!"

"What was that?" Juliet asked.

"It came from outside," Butler said.

They looked out, but there was no one there.

"You're toenails are as hard as hell!" Holly said. "I need the chainsaw. That's suppose to be manually powered by the way!"

"Hey, kiddies!" Opal said.

"Where'd you come from?" Holly asked.

"From the insane asylum. Here," she gave her a device. "You can cut the nails with this nuclear powered chainsaw. But be careful –"

"yeah, yeah!" holly said. "I know! Whatever!" She pressed the on button, but an explosion occurred, causing half of Artemis' "mansion" turn into rubble and dust.

"MANSION!"

"What was that?" Holly asked.

"It came from outside," Root said, hugging his foot.

They looked out the building, but did not see anyone.

"Where did half my mansion go?" Artemis asked.

"Mansion?" Butler asked. "I always thought this place was a shack."

"Why you!" Artemis started to choke Butler, then forced him to do the Grinch.

"Do the Grinch! Do the Grinch!" Artemis and Juliet chanted.

"Fine!" Butler finally gave in.

Foaly was typing up stuff. "This is where the noise came. Apparently, your nuclear powered chainsaw made Artemis' homeless shelter crack in half, and one half blew into ash. Let's get live footage of their lives right now."

Holly rubbed her hands together, "Haha! Time to see that Mud boy's face when –"

Her sentence stopped short by seeing Butler tiptoeing like the Grinch while Artemis and Juliet were laughing.

"They…they don't even know their house is destroyed?" Holly asked.

"And I'm the one in the insane asylum?" Opal asked.

Root hopped in the room with one foot, singing the Bleach song, Life is like a Boat.

He sang, "We are all rowing the boat of fate!"

"Shut up!" Holly hit him on the head.

"Let's sabotage Artemis' home since he made a crack in my computer," Foaly said.

"this is what happens when employees are bored," Holly indicated. "Well, Foaly, you're the crack head in computers. Do whatever you want."

Artemis thought about something and said, "I bet you that Foaly is behind all this! Let's sabotage his computer system as pay back."

"That's the stupidest theory I ever heard," Juliet said.

"Artemis Fowl is never wrong," he said.

"You just referred to yourself in the third person."

"Artemis Fowl is hurt."

"Gah! Just do whatever you want."

"Artemis Fowl is happy."

Butler joined in, "Artemis Fowl is a nutcase."

"Artemis Fowl says to shut up."

"Artemis Fowl should go back to school," Butler said and drove him to school.

Before they got out of the drive way, Foaly had implanted mines in their last encounter on the sides of the driveway, so while Butler drove down the driveway, there were mines exploding left and right!

"Hail Mary, full of grace! The Lord is with thee! Blessed art thou…" Butler prayed while Artemis was going, "Lalala! I love hotdogs! I love chocolate! I love stuff to eat! Meow meow meow."

"Our Father, who art in heaven…"

The radio was broken because Foaly was chanting the Phantom of the Opera song so loud, it broke the wires, so Artemis had to improvise and started singing rock and rap music by himself. He invented some crappy ones and he sang some ones he knew.

Butler was still praying. He was praying because the mines kept exploding as they went through the highway.

"I didn't know that Foaly put mines in the highway as well!" Butler said.

"How do you know it's Foaly. For all you know, Foaly could be as dumb as a clam."

This made Foaly's eyes grow red mad that he sang the chorus of the Phantom of the Opera so loud it caused earthquakes around the world and made every fairy half deaf at base.

"FOALY!" Root yelled with hair curl stuff in his hair. "Just stop singing that damn song! You're driving everyone mad, especially Opal Koboi! She's upgraded her cell phone to now hold a portable atomic bomb!"

"Oh. I was just countering Artemis' attacks on my computer. Crash and burn baby!" Foaly said the last sentence to his computer, which was on fire and yelling out help messages.

"Foaly? Why did you set your own computer on fire?" Root asked.

Foaly added more wooden stuff to make the cube of metal burn. "What, Commander Root? I can't hear you!"

"Stop the crashing and burning!" Root yelled.

They finally came to the school.

"I'll pick you up at four. Okay?" Butler said.

"Sure thing, Butler! Sure thing!" Artemis said.

Butler drove out of the school, and the mines started to explode again.

"Hey, Artemis," said some guy who Artemis always called 'hey' to cause he doesn't know his name.

"Hey."

"How you doing?" he asked.

"I don't know. I had to sing rap by myself because the radio broke."

"They say that when you sing and your voice breaks the glass, then that means that your voice clarity is pure and perfect."

Foaly was, for some unknown reason, in a church of glass, and he sang the Phantom of the Opera and all the glass windows as well as the church caved in.

"Yeah…perfection…" Artemis said.

"I'll spy on Artemis," Holly said and went into the chute. "This is LEP business."

"Sure, whatever," said the guard, and she went into the chute.

She found him in a music room.

"Hello class. I am your substitute teacher. You can call me Holly."

Holly smiled a little. She was watching him by the window.

"What's up, Holly!" Foaly asked, uncloaked in the open lawn next to the music room window.

"Ah! Cover up!" Holly said, giving him a cloaking device.

"I've got nothing to hide," Foaly said and cloaked.

Holly kept watching, but was caught surprise by Foaly saying, "Can't resist me, huh Captain Short? With my muscular –" Shot! Holly had shot Foaly with a bullet. She couldn't resist killing that son of a ---

"Now," said the teacher, "Who will sing one octave higher?"

"I will," Artemis said.

"Foaly! Emergency!" holly said. "One singing word out from his mouth, and your computer will go kaboom!"

"I've got to save her!" Foaly ran into the school without a cloaking device.

Right before Artemis started to sing, foaly bursted into the room, singing everything so perfectly, the teacher's glass of wine broke.

"Excellent!" the teacher said. She was half-blind and forgot her glasses, so she did not see a centaur, but a strangely disfigured person.

"you!" Artemis said. "you broke my computer!"

"You broke mine!" Foaly yelled. "This is the day I finally anticipated for! A fight with the boy who sung me to hell!"

"sung to hell? Talk about yourself!"

Flashback.

"I'll sing you Happy Birthday, Artemis!" Foaly said.

"it's okay—"
"no! I will!" he started to sing and the whole LEP base fell to pieces, crushing Artemis.

End.

Artemis held up his fake metal hand. "This is what is left of my left hand."

"this is what is left of my manhood!" Foaly said.

"You gave me a metal leg…"

"It's better than…nothing! I have your father!"

"You don't have my father!"

"Oh, but I have your father!"

"No you don't."

"then your mother?"

"No."

"Then…your grandfather?"

"Grandfather!"

"yes. Commander Root is your long lost grandfather."

"No."

"NOOOOOOO!" they heard a scream outside.

"Who was that?" Artemis asked.

"I don't know."

Down millions of miles below, Root yelled, "That -------------- (censored)"

"Commander!" said Cudgeon. "Why, your manners!"

"Why the hell are you here?" he yelled.

"Because…I'm just here."

In the music room…

Artemis and Foaly were having a showdown.

"I did something very horrible," Foaly started.

"What?"

"I ate something of yours!"

"What'd you eat?"

"What is 3.14?"

"Pie?" Artemis' eyes widen. It was his cherry pie that Juliet baked for him only!

"And what's the period of a sinusoidal function?"

"Two pie!" Artemis eyes were even wider.

"Good, Mud boy. Now, what's the derivative of 3x?"

"3?"

"I ate it three days ago! While you were sleeping!"

"You will pay for that!"

"Now, why don't you figure out the next one? If you were given a pendulum that is swinging at the velocity of –25 ft/min at 6 seconds, is the pendulum going away from the wall, or towards it?"

"Away? Why?"

then a giant pendelum hit him.

Foaly snickered. "First one to touch the pendelum will lose, and have to give up their computer to the other person."

"How the hell did a pendelum get in here?" Artemis asked.

"We time stopped everything and moved everyone outside," Foaly said.

Artemis had already figured out the estimated displacement and the velocity of the pendelum by observing the giant pendelum in the middle of the room.

The pendelum only reaches the minimum of 50 inches away from the wall and the maximum is when it is at the middle of the room, which is 100 ft away, with the pendelum at the middle when time is at zero seconds. He can by pass the pendelum and still fit within the 50 inches minimum if his timing was wrong, but the centaur on the other hand cannot fit unless his timing is right.

He ran across the edge of the room when the pendelum was edging to the other side of the wall, and tried to kick Foaly. He missed the first time. Foaly pulled out a metal device that could stop time a second time, thus making Artemis stop in time. He saw this and went for another kick to get the metal device out of Foaly's hands. He was successful, but the metal device went underneath the swinging pendelum at the center of the room. The center of the room is where the pendelum had the greatest velocity, and with one swing of the pendelum either one of them could get hit.

Artemis tried to estimate when to jump in to get the metal device, but Foaly was a little more daring. Foaly dived into the middle of the room as the pendelum moved away from towards the other wall. Artemis ran for the swinging pendelum and kicked it hard enough to let is stop midway before it could reach its minimum, redirecting it at a new velocity towards Foaly. Foaly picked up the metal device and activated the device, stopping the pendulum from hitting him and having Artemis stuck midair – stuck in time along with everyone else.

Then he woke up. Foaly was lying down on the cold floor. "Damn," he thought, "I almost had that Mud boy…" then got up on his feet and saw Artemis' determined face in front of him that made him scream his loudest and highest. Then, he saw that Artemis was suspended in the air, unmoved. Foaly looked outside and Holly had a confused look that kind of said, "Where'd that giant pendelum come from?"

Foaly laughed at himself, grabbed Holly's unmoving body and headed back to the LEP base. Once he was there and put holly in front of Root's constipated face, he unfroze both time stops and everything was back to normal. Well, except for the music room…

"You have to keep in time with the pendulum! The pendulum is your metronome!" teacher said.

The undetermined boy pushed the piano and it rolled right when the pendulum was at its minimum, splitting the piano in half.

Yes, the dangerous pendelum. So, every reader should keep in mind, that whenever they see a pendulum in the grandfather clock, they would remember the giant pendulum that Foaly had placed in the music room, but forgot to take it out because he was too lazy.

Well, that was the strangest story I've ever written. Then again, I just handed in an extra credit worksheet all about derivatives and velocity equations related to the rotation of the sun and the Earth. Well, enough about math. The ending pretty much sucked and sounded a little boring. And yes, in this story, Artemis is strong, or else the pendulum would have squished him. As for the pendulum, I just read Hunter x Hunter, so that was where the action kicked in.

Well, one shot only. Tell me how I did. Please. Flames welcomed, but please be constructive. I just want to see how satisfied everyone is. Thanks.

Remember, the period of cosine is 2pi over absolute value of B for sinusoidal functions…so apparently, Artemis was wrong in my story. Eh…does it really matter?

Please press review.