Author's note: I often am enjoying a story when all of a sudden a character says something no American would ever say and few Americans would even understand. Since no one would ever read something called "A Guide to American English for British FanFic Authors" I decided this was the next best thing. Or possibly the least worst thing. I've never written fiction before, and believe me, this barely counts. I apologize in advance that Blaine's IQ drops a good 50 points in my hands.
Don't know yet if this will get another chapter or not. I'll keep watching for glaring examples of non-American words in the mouths of characters and take it from there.
Kurt and Blaine were both nervous as they waited to board their flight to London, although for different reasons. Blaine was afraid to fly and Kurt was worried about the reception his new West End musical, "Pip, Pip Hooray" would get from the critics. Fortunately the opening came during spring break of their senior year at McKinley. Sometimes Kurt wondered how he, an 18-year-old American high school student from a backwater Midwest town had managed to get a West End musical written and produced in only nine months, but then he'd stop and realize it made more logical sense than pretty much anything that had happened during his junior year. Certainly more sense than the idea a Broadway musical could be produced using a two-million dollar payoff to a dead man's mistress.
"Now Blaine, do you remember what you promised me?"
"No."
"Of course you do. Come on, think"
Kurt could tell Blaine was thinking hard. His brow was so furrowed in concentration that the apex of both eyebrow triangles had met and formed a butterfly.
"No ju-," Kurt prompted.
"Oh right. No jumping up on the wings of the plane to see if they're attached properly."
Blaine grinned widely at his cleverness and then started to pout and make puppy eyes at Kurt because he really, really wanted to jump on the wings.
Fortunately living with Finn had taught Kurt how to deal with barely-trainable domestic animals and he knew they were easily distracted.
"Let's play a game," he suggested. "While I was writing 'Pip, Pip Hooray' I learned a lot about how the British talk."
"I thought they spoke English?"
"They do. Except some speak Welsh. Or Gaelic."
"Gay lick? You mean they —"
"No Blaine. G-a-e-l-i-c not g-a-y l-i-c-k."
"What's the difference?"
"Honestly, Blaine, I think it's great that Dalton had a no-bullying policy, but sometimes I think their no-teaching policy is a bit misguided."
"It's called independent study," Blaine huffed. "Every year the Warbler council, as the highest governing body in the school, decides what learning project the entire student body will work on."
"Well then why didn't anyone ever tell me what it was last year?" Kurt asked. "I spent the whole term having coffee and practicing duets with you. At least I still got straight As."
"Well you kind of were the project," Blaine said sheepishly. "Or a big part of it anyway. The project was called "Let's devote an entire school year to finding Blaine a boyfriend."
"Wha - why? I mean I'm glad they did it, but why did they do it?"
"Well, you know how everyone there are super geeky gay-but-in-denial nerds who worship me?"
"Well duh," Kurt responded.
"So they all wanted to see what it would be like to see a hobbit having sex with an elf and figured we're as close as they'd ever get. And that's also why I transferred to McKinley for senior year. I was more in it for the finding a boyfriend part, not so much the public sex demo part."
"Anyway," Kurt interrupted before his head exploded. "The British use a lot of words differently from the way we do and I don't want any unnecessary miscommunication while we're over there, so I'm going to quiz you. Let's start with an easy one. Mum means?
"To keep quiet, right?"
"Over there it actually means mother. Where we say Mom, they say Mum."
"Oh, so you mean if I were British I'd have asked you if Pavarotti's funeral reminds you of your Mum's?"
"Yes Blaine… and that's also a good example of where the American meaning of mum would've come in handy. Moving on… Nan?"
"That's that the bread they serve at Indian restaurants right? Can we get something to eat now?"
Not for the first time, Kurt wondered if he'd given up his crush on Finn too soon. "No, that's naan. Nan is what they call their grandma."
"So South Asian kids would ask their nan for naan? Doesn't that make them giggle uncontrollably?" Blaine asked, his eyebrows forming actual question marks in his profound confusion.
"Not the ones who want to live," Kurt responded with a noticeable edge in his voice. "And over there it's just Asian, not South Asian."
"But I'm Asian. Well half Asian, anyway."
"Not in Britain. Over there you're Oriental."
"Like a carpet?"
"Just the eyebrows, Blaine, just the eyebrows. What's a mobile?"
"You mean a mobile like you hang over a baby's crib? Can't we finish studying before we start planning a family?" Blaine asked, pronouncing mobile to rhyme with noble.
"No Blaine, over there a mobile is a cell phone and they revise for exams, they don't study."
"If they don't study they must get bad grades, right?"
"They don't get bad grades, they get bad marks."
"Wow, you mean they beat them for not studying?"
"No, Warbler-brain, revise means study and marks means grades."
"Why didn't you just say so?"
"I did!" Kurt fumed, while making a mental note to look into Ohio's laws on dating stepbrothers. "I can't believe I fancy someone this thick… if you weren't so fit…"
"How do you know how thick I am? You've never even seen my—"
"Thick means stupid Blaine."
"Oh," Blaine frowned.
"And while we're at it, fancy means like and fit means hot."
"Oh, so you like me because I'm hot?" Blaine asked, his face brightening because, basically, he had no short-term memory to speak of.
"It's time to board the plane," Kurt said, avoiding the question. "We can continue this after take-off."