A/N- This fic is filled with Chemistry jokes, Chemistry facts, randomness, fluff, and sex jokes.
... I'm just as confused as you are.
The Chemistry facts will be underlined, so that you can 'revise' from this... In a way.
... It's a revision resource as well as a fic, so there will be quite a lot of inserted facts. Just thought I'd warn you.
"Alfreeeeeeeeed..."
"Jeez, that's the fifth time you've moaned my name in three minutes. If I couldn't see your hands I'd have thought you were jacking off."
"... Jacking off isn't actually a bad idea. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to masturbate. Don't mind me."
"Wait, Artie, what're you- Artie get your hands out from there and put them up!"
Sighing reluctantly, Arthur lifted his hands up into the air, but promptly dropped them in favour of flopping down onto the table in front of him- a table laden with textbooks, revision folders, highlighters, discarded chocolate wrappers, and cans of various fizzy drinks. He was at Alfred's (who he was happy to say was his boyfriend) house for the entirety of the Easter holidays, as the two of them knew that they revised better when together. They were in Year Eleven, which meant that their GCSEs (A.K.A. their most important exams to date), were just over a month away. So no, Arthur was not at Alfred's house to have fun, as you might have thought. Sure, they had played games and such, but most of their time was spent with their heads buried in soul-sucking textbooks that would be their salvation.
Today, however, Arthur was just not feeling it. By that he meant less than usual. Well, he never felt it, but he never felt it less... It made sense in his head.
"Relax, Alfred. I'd rather have sex with you than wank in front of you... Much more exciting, don't you think?" Arthur said, smirking salaciously up at Alfred from his slumped position on the table as Alfred rolled his blue eyes that Arthur had come to adore.
"I'd rather our first time be somewhere more romantic than bent over a table and fucked over empirical formulas and Fleming's Left Hand Rule," Alfred replied, grinning in spite of himself, a twinkle of mirth in his eyes. Arthur could see the humour of the situation; he was normally the one telling Alfred to get back to work, not this way round.
"I don't know, being bent over the table and roughly pounded into from behind by your large cock would certainly be a pleasant-"
"Are you always this freakin' dirty when you're hella bored, or what?" Alfred remarked, laughing. "Besides, you haven't even seen my dick."
"That can be easily remedied," Arthur purred, licking his lips and wiggling his thick eyebrows suggestively, making the both of them burst into peals of unadulterated laughter.
"Okay," Alfred finally said, wiping away a tear and readjusting his silver-framed glasses, "As much as I'd love to re-enact your favourite porn book, I think revising for exams is more important. Then we can go have sex anywhere and everywhere."
"Even the mattress store?"
"Even the mattress store."
"What about in a play gym?"
"Sure, after the kids have all gone."
"...We can totally do it in Fortnum and Mason, right?"
"You're trying to distract me again, aren't you?"
"...Fuck."
Alfred lightly slapped Arthur upside the head, and went back to poring over his Physics textbook, his eyes roving over the evil printed words. Arthur sighed, knowing that he shouldn't disrupt Alfred any more. They had had their banter, that was enough. Every moment was precious. He wasn't at Alfred's house to lark about- he was there to study.
So it was that Arthur sat up straight in his chair, and focused his attention onto the thick textbook in front of him- Chemistry. Alright... It wasn't his worst subject (that was Maths, he kept scoring Bs in that), so he should, theoretically, be able to concentrate better. It was easier to concentrate when he didn't feel like all life was hopeless because he understood nothing on the bloody page.
The primordial soup theory states that billions of years ago, the Earth's atmosphere contained hydrocarbons (e.g. methane), ammonia, and other gases. Lightning struck, causing a-
Arthur groaned loudly, smacking his head against the book. He hated Chemistry. Well, it wasn't that he hated learning about the subject. He just hated studying it. But for all intents and purposes of this situation, he hated Chemistry.
"You alright there, dude?" Alfred said, chuckling.
"No. I mean, what the fuck is a primordial soup theory?! This is Chemistry, not fucking Food Technology! If I wanted to learn about bloody soup, I'd have signed myself up for Food Tech!" Arthur ranted.
"I thought the reason you didn't take Food Tech was that the teacher actually banned you from the kitchens ever since you set fire to the chicken stir fry in Year Eight?" Alfred reminded, earning himself a glare from Arthur.
"I-it's a mixture of both!" Arthur retorted defensively.
"What's a mixture?"
"Huh?" Arthur asked, baffled.
"What's the scientific definition of a mixture?" Alfred elaborated, an expectant smile on his face.
Oh. Alfred was quizzing him. He should be grateful. The bloke was trying to help him revise.
"Isn't it..." Arthur started, deliberating over his words, "Two or more compounds or molecules not chemically bonded together?
"Pretty much, yeah!" Alfred replied, grinning. "The textbook definition is 'a substance made from two or more elements or compounds that aren't chemically bonded to each other', but you've got the gist of it!"
"Nice," Arthur said, fairly pleased with himself. All he needed to remember was the 'substance' part and that it was 'elements and compounds', not elements and molecules.
"Here's your reward," Alfred said, and suddenly crawled onto the table to kiss Arthur's forehead, a light pink tinge to his cheeks when he sat back down. Arthur blinked, feeling himself blush slightly. Sure, he was full of dirty phrases, but the truth was that the two had only kissed once.
"Y-you only got a forehead kiss 'cause your answer wasn't entirely accurate. If you get a completely right answer, then you'll get something better," Alfred explained, lifting his gaze to meet Arthur's once again. He seemed to gain more confidence in this method when he saw Arthur's smile.
"I'd better be getting kiss after kiss," Arthur said.
"If not, then you'll just have to revise until we'll be making out by the end of it!"
Arthur waited expectantly for his question as Alfred rifled through the Chemistry book, hoping that he'd be able to answer it correctly- both for a kiss, and his own peace of mind. For Arthur hated to get things wrong.
"What is cracking?"
"...The breaking down of long-chain hydrocarbons into short-chain hydrocarbons by way of thermal decomposition?" Arthur answered, a little hesitantly. Alfred's beaming smile told him that he had got it entirely correct, making him smile too.
"Yup! Well, the definition doesn't say anything about thermal decomposition, but it is a thermal decomposition reaction, so you're allowed it. Which is cool, because now I get to, um..."
"Kiss me."
"Yeah. That."
Alfred hoisted himself up onto the table and crawled across to Arthur, who already has his head tilted upwards, his bottle-green eyes warm and welcoming. The American flashed him a slightly-nervous smile as he bent down and met Arthur's lips with his own. The kiss was sweet and loving, and tasted of chocolate and fizzy drinks- a mixture that shouldn't have worked, but did. Worked very well indeed.
They pulled apart- albeit a little reluctantly- and Alfred went back to his seat, his face just the tiniest bit flushed. Arthur could sense that his own countenance was the same.
"Well..." Arthur said, feeling a smile tug at his lips, "...That was cracking."
The two stared at each other- then they were laughing, loudly and raucously, both still a little giddy from their kiss.
"It's a pity our 'cracking' kiss didn't produce any alkanes or alkenes..." Alfred said, giggling.
"It was definitely a thermal decomposition reaction, though. I mean, that was hot," Arthur added, grinning from ear to ear.
"How hot does the vaporised long-chain hydrocarbon need to be in cracking?"
It took Arthur a second to realise that Alfred was asking him a question. He was too busy thinking of how much exams had affected them that they were now making Chemistry jokes.
"Oh, um..." Arthur racked his brains for this piece of important trivia. Come on, Arthur! It's probably the most simple thing you've ever come across! He knew it was 400ºC to something, but what was that something?
"...400ºC to 800ºC?" Arthur replied tentatively, pouting in annoyance when Alfred groaned.
"Dude, you were so close! It was 400º to 700ºC!" Alfred cried.
"Oh for Heaven's sake, I was debating that, too! You have no idea how painful this is. So, to crack something," Arthur said, going over the process. Who knows, perhaps Alfred would give him a kiss for his Extra Credit efforts, "You vaporise the long-chain hydrocarbon by heating it to a temperature of 400ºC to 700ºC, and then pass this hot-as-hell vapour over a catalyst, usually aluminium oxide. The vapour 'breaks' into different, shorter-chain hydrocarbons."
"That's exactly it!" Alfred said happily, "Well, instead of saying 'vapour', say 'long-chain hydrocarbons', and say 'split apart' or 'crack' instead of 'break', but you've got it!"
"I always had it, no need to patronise me," Arthur huffed, although there wasn't any real disgruntlement in his voice. He knew Alfred wasn't being patronising on purpose.
"Aw, are you being a grumpy-guts?" Alfred said teasingly, earning himself a kick under the table.
"To quote Orianthi, shut up and kiss me," Arthur said, smirking despite the blush that had arisen once again, "I earned it."
"You sure did, Artie," Alfred agreed, crawling across to kiss the blond Englishman once again, even gaining the courage to (hesitantly) put his hands on the back of Arthur's head and ever so gently pull him into the kiss more. Arthur's heart beat faster at this, and he didn't even make a conscious effort to respond, but he ended up taking hold of Alfred's loose Captain America tee-shirt and pulling him closer just a bit, just enough to let Alfred know that such actions were fine with him.
"Next question?" Alfred said once he had sat back down, his lips just a little bit redder and shinier from being kissed. Arthur couldn't help but think the look was brilliant on him.
"Bring it."
"Okay, how d'ya make an unsaturated oil hard, and what are the conditions?"
Arthur bit his lip, tapping his finger erratically on the table. He felt pressured to get this right, as if Alfred was silently begging him to be correct. He knew it was by using hydrogenation... Now he just had to remember the conditions required for hydrogenation...
"Ah, I've got it!" Arthur exclaimed excitedly, practically giving a little jump in his seat, "You make it hard using hydrogenation, which is reacting the unsaturated oil with hydrogen in the presence of a nickel catalyst at 60ºC! The unsaturated oil's double carbon to carbon bonds are then opened up, because bonds are formed with the hydrogen!"
"Correct, correct, and even more correct!" Alfred responded just as excitedly, his wide smile mirroring Arthur's. This time, he wasted no time in getting up onto the table and eagerly pressing his lips against Arthur's, the both of them immediately melting into the kiss, Alfred's hands already in Arthur's hair, and Arthur's not wasting even a second before they were tugging at Alfred's shirt, pulling his wonderful boyfriend closer to him. He loved the taste of Alfred, the scent of Alfred, the feel of Alfred. Arthur and Alfred fit together like the coastlines of South America and South Africa- perfectly, like jigsaw pieces. Wegener would approve of their relationship, as it mimicked one of his pieces of evidence for continental drift. Arthur liked the sound of that; he enjoyed the idea that their relationship on the small island of Britain was reminiscent of something so large-scale, so irrefutable.
Needing air, the two broke apart, resting their foreheads against one another contentedly, akin to two reactive atoms that had formed a covalent bond with each other and were now happy and stable. Viridescent eyes met cerulean ones, and the two smiled at each other, not really wanting to get out of their current position.
"...Hey, Alfred?"
"Yeah?"
Arthur coughed, his smile replaced by a cheeky grin, "I have a question for you."
"Fire away. Revision's revision, no matter who's giving the questions." Alfred responded, looking ready.
"So, we know how to make an unsaturated oil hard, but do you know how to make me hard?" Arthur asked. He had tried to keep a straight face, but his lips had uncontrollably stretched into a grin, one which only widened as Alfred spluttered and stammered before laughing with hilarity. His cheerful laugh was like music to Arthur's ears (he could go into sound waves and all that, but that was Physics, and Physics was a story for another day), pure, wholesome, and joyous. Arthur wouldn't have minded if that was all he ever heard for the rest of his life.
"I don't think I should react you with hydrogen..."
"Please don't- hydrogen's extremely flammable. Which is, incidentally, one of the disadvantages of using hydrogen gas as a fuel. One of the advantages is that reacts with oxygen to form only water, making it very clean," Arthur informed matter-of-factly. However, his demeanour changed when Alfred suddenly leant down so that his lips were just next to Arthur's ear, softly brushing it, his breath gently tickling it.
"The exact opposite of you then, huh?" Alfred whispered, and Arthur shivered, "You, with all your dirty thoughts that would put even the most perverted person to shame. You, with your dirty desires of bending me over this table and taking me right here. You, with your dirty burning need of hearing me scream your name in unbridled pleasure, moaning Arthur at the top of my voice. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"
Arthur stared, completely taken aback by Alfred's provocative words. He had had no idea that Alfred, of all people, was able to use the mere power of his words to make him all hot and bothered- hotter than the iron and nickel core of the Earth.
"So?" Alfred said, pulling back from Arthur's ear and smirking coyly, "Did I answer your question correctly?"
He was redder than anything, but there was something alluring about his flushed cheeks combined with his seductive, beautiful smile. Arthur looked down at his crotch, and quickly crossed his legs, feeling himself redden. If there was one thing able to turn him on in the world, it would be Alfred.
"Answering by demonstration, I like it," Arthur said, "You've made me harder than high-carbon steel, and that's saying something."
Next thing they knew, they were laughing.
"I was trying to be sexy, and then you just compared your erection to a freakin' alloy!" Alfred chortled. Arthur shrugged in response.
"We are doing Chemistry revision, I might as well. But anyway, you need your reward, don't you?"
Alfred let out a little yelp as Arthur pulled him down into a bruising kiss, their lips clashing and moulding together perfectly. Spurred on by his hard-on that wouldn't go away, Arthur cautiously flicked out his tongue to run it across Alfred's lower lip, and then broke it off, his heart racing and his breaths quicker. Alfred was staring at him, wide-eyed behind his thick glasses. His blue eyes, looking much like the water vapour which had condensed into oceans when the Earth had cooled all those millions of years ago, were alight with amazement, and perhaps something a bit more... Lustful. The American slowly brought his hands up to touch his lip softly, as if remembering the feel of Arthur's tongue. Arthur himself had enjoyed his little trial, and yearned for more.
"...Let's answer some more questions," Alfred said, seating himself back down in his chair. Arthur smiled, knowing that this was Alfred's way of saying 'Holy Hell that was awesome and I can't get enough'.
"Let's see..." Alfred muttered, flicking through the textbook at top-speed, "Ah, here's one! Now, this is a three-part question, and you have to get all three parts for a proper kiss."
"Challenge accepted," Arthur said.
"What's produced when calcium carbonate reacts with an acid?"
The answer came tumbling off Arthur's lips without thought, "A calcium salt, carbon dioxide, and water."
"Part one- correct! So, for part two, what's the salt produced when calcium carbonate reacts with sulfuric acid?"
"Calcium sulfate."
"Two down, one to go! What's the salt produced when calcium carbonate reacts with hydrochloric acid?"
"Tch, that's not even hard- Calcium hydroxide."
"All three correct, kudos Artie!" Alfred congratulated, and slid himself across the table to eagerly catch Arthur's lips in a kiss. Arthur responded by teasing Alfred's bottom lip with his tongue, and almost gasped when Alfred parted his lips. It was only a small parting, but it was still there, was still a bold, daring move. Alfred was inviting him in, was giving him his permission. Smiling under the kiss, Arthur's hands wandered upwards to place themselves at the back of Alfred's head, his fingers tangled up in Alfred's soft golden hair. And then, then he slowly slid his tongue into Alfred's mouth, and it was as if ethanol, biodiesel, and hydrogen gas had all been burnt to give the two a sudden surge of energy (only alternative fuels, not fossil fuels; their love did not increase global warming). Their kiss was suddenly fiercer, tugging at each other, needing bodily contact. They were in such a heated passion that Arthur had barely realised that Alfred had slid off the table and onto his crossed legs until he felt Alfred rub against his thigh. A moan escaped the American's lips, and then Arthur did the same, glorying in the breathtaking kiss he and Alfred were sharing, like two atoms sharing an electron in a covalent bond. Their relationship was not similar to ionic bonding, where one gives and the other gets. No, they shared every bit of love they had. And, just like covalent bonds, the bond Arthur and Alfred had was strong, brilliantly strong.
When they finally pulled apart, both of them were breathing heavily, their breaths mingling like the mixture of vapours in a fractional distillation column. They were gazing at each other with amazement and bewilderment, the fact that they had just made out for the first time still sinking in. Arthur's hands had travelled south to Alfred's hips and were keeping them close to his own, whereas one of Alfred's hands was on Arthur's back, and the other was fisted in Arthur's hair.
"...I kind of wish my dick was a calcium hydroxide solution," Arthur said before he could stop himself. It was as if his mind-to-mouth filter had been switched off for the day. Alfred blinked, looked at him oddly, rolled his eyes, then grinned.
"Alright, I'll bite. Why the Hell do you wish for your dick to be limewater?" He asked, chuckling.
"Because then I could ask you to blow it without sounding dirty. I could say that it was for science. We could be testing your breath for carbon dioxide," Arthur explained, grinning when Alfred laughed harder. He loved to make Alfred laugh.
"But then your dick would turn cloudy, and that would be rather strange," Alfred pointed out.
"What, and a liquid dick wouldn't be?"
"...Good point. Y'know, I'd rather blow your dick as it is, rather than some weird liquid... Solid... Thing," Alfred said, his eyebrows furrowed as he struggled to imagine just what a calcium hydroxide solution dick would even look like.
"Plus, the results we'd get would be rather inaccurate, don't you think? Calcium hydroxide reacted with carbon dioxide makes calcium carbonate and water," Arthur informed.
"What would the products of our 'experiment' be?" Alfred questioned.
"Cum, and a flushed, panting Arthur."
"...This experiment actually sounds pretty good," Alfred commented, laughing. He then retracted back to his seat across the table, and picked up the Chemistry textbook once again. Arthur smiled, admiring the sublime view of Alfred (and no, he did not mean the Chemistry definition of sublime); the way his hair looked like it had been made of sunlight, the deep blue of his eyes, the way he seemed to give out energy to his surroundings, much like an exothermic reaction.
"What?" Alfred said, finally feeling Arthur's gaze on him. Arthur blinked, having been pulled out of his reverie by the loud (albeit addicting) American voice.
"Oh, nothing... Just wondering how far we'll end up going by the end of this revision session. I mean, after six questions you were already on my lap. We'll be fucking in all kinds of positions by the end of Chemistry Unit One," Arthur said, grinning. He knew perfectly well that they wouldn't be having sex (they were still fifteen, after all), but it was fun to tease Alfred with all sorts of lewd comments. Alfred rolled his eyes, although his grin mirrored Arthur's.
"Are you always this perverted whilst revising?" He asked.
"You're the one who devised the 'Make Arthur all hot and bothered if he gets a question right' game," Arthur countered. Alfred put his hands up in defeat.
"Fair point. But it made you want to revise, didn't it?" Alfred pointed out, smirking coquettishly.
"Oh, it made me want to revise all day and night," Arthur replied, sending Alfred his own seductive smirk.
They suddenly dissolved into laughter, like sodium dissolves into chlorine to form the ionic compound of sodium chloride. These filthy phrases and sexy smirks were very out of place amidst the open textbooks and discarded chocolate wrappers, but Arthur and Alfred knew that there was no better place to use them.
Who knew revision could be so entertaining?
A/N- EXAMS ARE TAKING OVER MY LIFE AND SOUL. HALP.
Arthur and Alfred sound like such nerds in this... Kinda like me. XD
I'm in their situation currently... I've got my first exam on the sixteenth of May, and my last one on the sixteenth of June.
I haven't been able to write for AGES (I've been in a creative slump thanks to exams), but all of a sudden this thing was created. I decided to use it as a form of revision. Sure, it doesn't have ALL the facts, but it has some, and some is better than none, right?
This might help some of you... These facts are taken from AQA Chemistry Unit One (except for a couple, which are from other units), but even if you aren't doing that, maybe it could help you remember stuff for your own exams?
Also, I had no idea where this was going. I hadn't meant for it to turn into a kiss-reward thing, but hey, anything works...
Also, Arthur's answers are mostly my answers. Testing myself as well as Arthur. XD
Don't forget to review, telling me what you think of this little crackfic... Thing!
Off to go do a timed practice exam and then Biology Unit One now...