Note: These aren't mine. They're Squaresoft's. Yay for Squaresoft. I don't own 'em and I'm not gonna pretend I do (I wouldn't make some of those characters anyway..*shudders*..) anyhoo. Enjoy.
Cloud woke up, thoroughly confused with the world. He could feel the hum of the Highwind's engines, could smell the dim scent of cologne in the air, felt the warm silkiness of his satin sheets against his bare skin. Cloud froze. *Did I just feel satin sheets?* The young warrior sat up in shock and stared around wildly. Sure enough, his body was enshrouded in black satin sheets-something he'd never buy. His eyes narrowed and he wondered who'd kidnapped him and stuck him in such sumptuous surroundings.
After a second of these misguided thoughts the ex-SOLDIER realized that no one had kidnapped him, that the quarters were his, and that this bed was most certainly wider than his original one. Filled with a sense of dread-had he sunk into amnesia or had the Jenova cells inside of his body took over and went on a cabin-refurbishing spree?-he realized that he couldn't have had amnesia. After all, he knew his name. The scent of the cologne drifted close to his nose when Cloud fanned the blanket and he recoiled in shock and delight.
*That's Sephiroth's cologne!* Cloud thought in excitement. He knew that scent well. Eagerly now, Cloud tumbled from the bed and searched for his clothes. He finally found them, stuffed in a tangled mess underneath the bed. Whatever I've been doing, Cloud thought to himself, I was in an awful hurry to get out of these clothes. As he untangled them and began to put them on, Cloud paused in horror. These weren't the normal drab military clothes that every ex-SOLDIER seems to wear-indeed, these were tight black leather pants and a see-through blue silk shirt!
Cloud threw the clothes onto the bed in disgust and searched for more clothes. He opened the closet and groaned quietly. Instead of his normal, ugly warrior clothes the same revealing, flashy garments greeted him-all placed neatly and tidily on hangers, sorted by what appeared to be color and designer labels. With a sigh, the poor young man turned back to the clothes on the bed and picked them back up. With a frown at the pants-they appeared much too small-he placed them back on the bed and looked for underwear. However, in every drawer he searched, the same things greeted him; thongs, bikini briefs, racy leopard prints and see-through barely-theres!
Growling to himself, Cloud slammed the drawers shut and put on the shirt. With barely audible cursing he slunk over to the pants and shook them out. He slid the pants up his thighs and had to suck in his breath to button the things. Glaring all around, looking for something to hit, Cloud picked up his sword and strapped it to his back. He searched for some normal, worn-in traveling boots but all he found was a thigh-high pair of red suede boots. The things were a pain in the ass to put on, and the laces on the side made Cloud wonder if they were made to have a partner help put them on-and remove. At those thoughts Cloud bounded up and ran out the door.
He stalked through the empty hallways, noting how hard it was to stalk in tight pants and long boots. With his fists clenching and unclenching, Cloud still had the smell of Sephiroth in his nose. Cloud's face twisted into a snarl and he slammed doors open and shut, looking for something to kill, anything. Whatever he killed, Cloud was going to kill it with his bare hands-and eat it, too. While he wandered the ship, he paused beneath the ladder that lead up to the top deck. With a savage grin, he heard the voices of his companions and swarmed up the ladder, taking the rungs 3 at a time.
What greeted Cloud on the top deck made him freeze with one hand on the top rung and another on the hilt of his Buster Sword. With huge blue eyes, Cloud lost all of his anger and collapsed in mid-climb. As the nimble ex-SOLDIER started to fall the ten feet back down to the hard, skull-shattering metal floor, a strong hand grabbed him by a hair-spike and yanked him up. Cloud squeaked in fright.
"Are you all right, pookie?" A strong voice asked in worried tones. "I didn't muss your hair, did I?" Sephiroth's strong arms grabbed Cloud tight while his hands surveyed the entirety of his body. Cloud turned to stare directly into Sephiroth's concerned green orbs.
"P-p-pookie?" he chirped. Cloud was not only surprised to see Sephiroth here, but he was doubly shocked to have himself ensconced in his enemy's gentle embrace.
Sephiroth frowned. "You didn't hit your head before I caught you, did you?" he asked, voice dripping with concern. He clasped Cloud's face between his palms and stared intently into his lover's eyes. "I can take you down to sickbay right now, I'll carry you if I have to."
"N-n-no, I'm fine," he stammered in reply. "It was just, a erh, shock to see you here is all." Cloud's hungry gaze took in Sephiroth's matching outfit-same black leather pants, the blue shirt and boots replaced with an emerald green that matched his eyes, and an extra; a flowing black cape trimmed in green chocobo feathers.
Sephiroth looked nonplused. "A shock?" he asked. "Oh, you must mean why wasn't I there when you woke up. I needed to talk to Aeris about leaving her panties in the bed, and she was up on top deck with Tifa."
Cloud nearly vibrated with shock. "Aeris? Aeris is alive!?" Cloud began to hop, trying to look over Sephiroth's shoulder at the rest of the deck. "And she and Tifa are actually talking? And why would her panties be in my bed? Why would you be in my bed?" Cloud burned with questions and continued hopping as he chattered them out.
Sephiroth became really worried. "Aeris has been alive for quite some time now," he said slowly. "She was brought back to life in one of those meaningless physically impossible fanfiction ways. And of course she and Tifa are talking-they're lovers. And her panties were in your bed because you're both lovers too. As are you and Tifa. I'm in your bed because I'm your lover as well." Sephiroth reached out and tenderly brushed a spike of yellow hair away from Cloud's face. "Are you positive you're feeling well, darling?"
Cloud's mind was churning. Not only was he staggered about Aeris being back, but apparently Cloud was the male whore of the Highwind. "I'm fine," he said distantly, coming to terms with the new situation. He looked at Sephiroth and made his face relax. "Hey, Seph-sweetie...pretend I have amnesia, ok?"
Sephiroth nodded, face lightening slightly. "Oh, this is a part of one of your silly little games, is it love? Alright, I'll play along. You have amnesia." His face was open and expectant.
Cloud smiled sweetly. "Thank you. Now, saying that since I have amnesia, how come no one is trying to kill you right this moment?"
Sephiroth laughed. "Why, I gave up on that take over the world phase ages ago! I now own half of the Gold Saucer since Dio retired." He gave his cape a little dramatic flutter. "I'm everyone's favorite millionaire now."
Cloud nodded to himself. *All right,* he thought calmly. *Apparently I've fallen through a time-space-dimension hole thingy. This is not too bad, all I have to do is figure out how to get home.* He looked regretfully over at his lover. *Why can't the Sephiroth of my world be so...loveable?*
Sephiroth's face darkened. "Don't look at me like that!" he cried. "It was like you'd lost your puppy or had your favorite sword broken by a dragon." Sephiroth pressed closer and pouted slightly.
Cloud hugged Seph impulsively. "Never mind me, Sephy," he whispered. "I was just thinking how much I'd wished you were there when I'd woken up." The words spilled out of his mouth, lie-free. Cloud did indeed wish Seph had been there when he'd woken up-and not just for a wake-up kiss either.
Sephiroth smiled and relaxed. "Why did you come up on board in such a hurry anyway?" he asked curiously. Cloud shrugged.
"I just wanted to see you and Tifa and Ae-" Cloud froze in mid-word as Sephiroth turned to let Cloud walk ahead of him. With Cloud's view of half of the top-deck unobstructed, he could now see Tifa and Aeris. Cloud erupted into a coughing fit and closed his eyes tightly, wishing the image away. When he reopened his eyes, the vision was still there, in bright technicolor detail. Sephiroth leaned close.
"No, no," Cloud croaked at him. "I just swallowed a bug is all." Seph's face eased and he smiled, pushing Cloud forward. Cloud stared at Tifa and Aeris. The two were locked in an embrace, passionately kissing each other. Even from his distance away from them, Cloud could tell someone was swallowing someone else's tongue. Not only was that surprising enough, but they both looked completely different.
Tifa had her hair cut short in a spiky boyish style. The sun glinted off of a gold stud in her nose and her ears glittered with silver earrings. Her shorts were exactly that-short and tight. She wore a skimpy black halter top that did next to nothing to constrain her massive unproportional breasts. Cloud's eyes widened more when he realized that there was a hand underneath that blouse-and it belonged to Aeris!
At least, Cloud assumed the tattooed amazon sitting on the rail was Aeris. Her hair was dyed white blonde and was piled atop her head in intricate knots. Her bare arms were tan and the black tattoos that crossed her biceps stood out in sharp relief. Her red skirt was hiked up to mid-thigh and Tifa's hand was lost somewhere underneath that scrap of cloth. Cloud shuddered and turned to Sephiroth, who was watching the display with little interest.
"Girls," the white-haired man snorted and then eyed Cloud hungrily. "You know, we can slip back to the cabin if you really want to..." he began coercively.
Cloud's face brightened and he grinned. "Sounds fine," he chirped happily. As Cloud turned, he nearly tripped over his two feet. The other half of the deck was now clear for him to see. There, shockingly enough, were Vincent, Barrett and Cid. All three were engaged in what appeared to be an intricate game of Twister, directed by the lion-dog Red. Not only did the fact that they were playing Twister freak Cloud out, but their clothing and attitudes sparked him too.
All wore matching brilliant neon Hawaiian shirts, were barefoot, and had cargo shorts on. *Ok, ok,* Cloud thought to himself quickly. *A-they're dressed way too...fun-lovingish. B-they're in shorts. And C-* "Vincent has a TAN?" Cloud squealed in shock.
Sephiroth looked impatient and tugged on his lover's arm. "Yes, pookie. He loves the sun, we can barely get him out of it anymore. And before you ask, yes Cid's quit smoking, he and Vinny are lovers, Barrett works for Shinra, now let's go have hot wild sex."
Cloud stood his ground. With relief he noticed that Red hadn't changed at least. "Where's Yuffie?" he asked firmly. Sephiroth sighed.
"This game isn't fun. Yuffie's dead, has been for a few months."
"Dead? How'd she die?" *That's not really a bad thing,* Cloud thought to himself.
Sephiroth dropped his arm and grumbled. Finally, he said, "Red ate her because she was being a bitch."
Cloud looked intrigued. "Red is so passive though."
Sephiroth shrugged. "Yeah, that's true, but when your girlfriend doesn't put out for a few weeks he got a little tense. So he ate her."
"Yuffie was into....animal sex??" Cloud gaped. He'd never have guessed.
"Yeah, well, she was until she was eaten." Sephiroth got a keen look in his eyes. "Let's you and me go down to the cabin and have some doggie-style action, hey? I like animal sex too." Seph slapped Cloud's ass and grinned. "Ohh, no underwear, you know that's how I like it."
Cloud grinned goofily. "All for you, love," he murmured and pushed Sephiroth towards the ladder. "You first."
~~~~~Later on~~~~~
With a delightfully long yawn, Cloud stretched and raised his hands above his head. He paused in mid-yawn. Something was definitely wrong here. He sat up in bed and stared around his cramped cabin in growing horror. Everything had changed back-his room was spartan, he wasn't sleeping naked, and the elusive scent of Sephiroth's cologne had vanished from his skin. "Oh no," Cloud groaned.
A sudden thought came to Cloud. "I can change this," he whispered in growing excitement. "I can make things good for everyone! I've been shown how my future can be and I'm gonna take it!" With delight, the ex-SOLDIER leapt from his bed, hustled into his drab clothes, and sped out of the door. He took the ladder rungs three at a time and burst out onto the top deck. Six hostile faces glared at him.
Cloud bounced with enthusiasm and leapt out into the middle of the deck. He ignored the smoking spots of rubble dispersed around the Highwind, didn't bother to notice the wounds of his friends, just focused on his idea. "Guys! I can make everything good! And it's ridiculously easy!"
He never noticed how his companions began limping closer, dark intents in their faces. "Ok, ok, this is how it is. Cid, you and Vincent are gonna become lovers. Vince, you get a tan. Barrett, you go work for Shinra. All three of you are gonna wear tropical clothes and you're gonna play Twister all the time!" Brimming with excitement, he turned to Tifa. "Ok, Tifa, you're gonna go and dig up Aeris. She's probably all bloated and decaying from the water I dropped her in but that's not that bad, just get a creative fanfic writer to make her come back to life. You don't even have to pay them to do it! You get your hair cut, get some piercings, wear some sluttier clothes-yes, they're out there, I've seen them. Yuffie-well, sorry to break this to you, but you die. It's been a pleasure working with you. Actually, scratch that, no it hasn't. Red, eat Yuffie now, spare us her response. Tear out the jugular first so she can't scream, if you please."
Everyone was staring at Cloud as if he was insane, but Cloud didn't notice. "Ok, I'm going to go get Sephiroth and convince him to not be evil and he's going to be my lover and we're going to have satisfying hot wild sex. I'm going to wear sexy clothes and he's going to wear some too and Dio's going to sell Sephy half of the Gold Saucer. Nothing bad is ever going to happen again and it'll be great. Nothing can possibly be wrong with this plan!" By the end of his speech, Cloud was gasping for breath. After a pause, he added, "Oh yeah. Tifa? You and Aeris get to screw me too. It'll be great, we can have a threesome!"
They had all crept to within 3 feet of Cloud, and he suddenly noticed that their weapons were all out and trained on him. "Guys?" he questioned curiously.
"Why didn't you wake up and help us you pointy headed freak?" Barrett growled. Cloud blinked in confusion.
"Huh? Why, what happened?"
Tifa stomped her feet. "Look around, you idiot! The Highwind was attacked by another Weapon. We barely survived the attack and you SLEPT THROUGH IT ALL!"
Cloud shrugged. "Yeah, but everything's ok now so we can get back to my plan for our beautiful and wonderful future!" He clapped his hands. "Tifa, get out of those slut clothes and get into newer, better ones. Vincent, take off that shirt and start sun-bathing. Cid, get that cigarette out of your mouth, I know I have a Nicotine Patch here somewhere for you. Yuffie, die! Barrett, go get your resume started and-" Cloud trailed off as they moved as one group. "Hey wait guys, no, just wait a second, trust me it's-"
~~~~Even later than the previous later~~~~
Red gnawed on a femur. "Not bad, not bad at all," he mused to himself. Barrett grunted and pulled on his new boots.
Cid sharpened his newly acquired sword and smiled. "Don't know how to fuckin' use one of these fuckin' things, but I can learn," he chuckled to himself.
Tifa sighed and attached the blonde spike of hair to her gloves. "Stylish, don't you think?" she asked no one in particular.
Yuffie grumbled and stomped on the bloody mass of goo for the fiftieth time. "Try to kill me, why don't you. Say I won't be missed, hey?" She looked up sulkily and glared at the circle of people around her. "We showed him! Nothing's gonna kill me!" She ranted on, hopping some more on Cloud's dismembered body. Red casually stood up and chomped into her throat.
"That's the only thing Cloud was right about. God bless him for that at least," he said solemnly as Yuffie's body collapsed, twitching, to the deck of the Highwind. Everyone saluted the beast and went back to examining their possessions.
In a corner of the Highwind, Cloud's spirit floated and eyed his friends with disgust. "That's gratitude for you," he muttered to himself. "Try to help them out and what do they do? They kill you!" He sulked on for a while before he noticed someone else standing near. With a panicked "Eep" he stared at Aeris' ghost.
"Bring me in as only a bit character, why don't you!" she shrieked and began to pummel Cloud.
*Why me?* Cloud groaned to himself as he fled to the Lifestream, a furious Aeris close behind.