Some days everything was fine for Kakashi. He would smile and laugh with people. Those were the days he felt alive. Kakashi could believe life was worth living. The happiness he would experience overwhelmed the pain he endured. During those days, it felt like he could fly. But some days he would lay in bed, crippled by guilt and grief. Those were the toughest days. His chest and arms would ache as he attempts to, unsuccessfully, control a panic attack. Silently he would begin rubbing his hand over his heart, it would be gentle at first, but soon it would turn into fervent clawing. As he claws at his bare chest he wonders how he had felt happiness the day previous. Kakashi closes his eyes hoping to catch that happy feeling, but instead the darkness closes in. Suddenly he believes the happiness he felt may have be false. Perhaps he didn't deserve hanging out with Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke. How could he take part in their happiness…when he could have helped them? Kakashi's body aches more in response. Finally, he stops clawing at himself and revels in the emotional pain. He deserves this. He lets his head fall to the right, his eyes land on a kunai. For a moment, he stares at it, contemplating the possibilities. He breathes deeply in through is mouth and out his nose. Kakashi moves his head once again to stare up at the ceiling. He begins contemplating the consequences. The aches disappear abruptly along with the panic attack. His mind feels free as he analyzes his situation. The minutes' tick by as he calculates his pain and his worth to the village, even though he knew the two were unquantifiable. Once he has quantified his pain and worth to his own standards, he narrows his eyes. With the agility of a ninja his rank, Kakashi finds the kunai gripped tightly in his hand. He watches the kunai come down to the left side of his chest. Kakashi breathes deeply and tenses his body waiting for the kunai to jam itself into his heart. Inhale!
He doesn't know whether to laugh or cry as he realizes how dull the kunai was. The blood rushes through his ears as the adrenaline pumps through him. Instead of the dramatic vision he had created in his mind, Kakashi lay there with a dull kunai pressing into his already sore chest. Not only was it a dull kunai but the kunai also hit a rib. He sighs and sits up, reality hits him over the head. Not today he ponders. He supposes a mission would be a better place to be hit by a stray kunai. He would die with honor…even if it was a premeditated suicide. The doorbell rings and he gets up to answer it. Before reaching the door, he glances at the tanto blade by his bed and contemplates once again. Perhaps not today, but maybe tomorrow he thinks as he reaches for the door knob.