Hey guys! It's really been a long time, huh? Sorry about that, I have been having a really bad writers block, but I'll try to upload more faster!
Anyway, hope you enjoy this one!
War always leave scars, no matter the side, no matter who won the war, the scars were going to be there, some on his body, some that time would erase, but some, some were going to stay with him his whole life, and those were the ones that no one would be able to cure.
The sickening smell of blood in the air, the feel of death everywhere, the bodies of his enemies, of his friends everywhere, he couldn't even tell who was who, the red blood covering them, the darkness swallowing them, the silence consuming him.
There was no one else there, it was only him in the middle of the corpses, with his old friends dead next to him, with the head of his old teacher in front of him, watching him with his death eyes. Almost as if he was judging him for all the things he did, for all the choices he made during the war…
And he could only watch him back, completely defeated, without the strength to stand still, not even the strength to keep on living.
Maybe he did had to die back at the battlefront…
He opened his eyes covered in sweat, with the pictures of the war still on his mind, with all the screams of his friends, with all the screams of the people he killed still playing on his ears. With the memory of killing his teacher repeating nonstop.
How many times has he been having those nightmares? Ten? Twenty? More than he could remember, ever since the war started, ever since it ended, those nightmares have played in his mind each time he went to sleep.
He was simply used to have them by now, but that didn't mean that they didn't affect him, or that they weren't getting worse each time.
"Gin-chan! The tax robbers are here!" He heard Kagura called him from the living room, but that day, he particularly didn't want to get up, he only wanted to stay in his futon and be swallowed by his memories. "Gin-chan!" But it seemed that that day wasn't going to go as he wanted. "Are you awake Gin-chan?!" Her voice was now a little more curious, but he took it as a signal that he had to get up.
"I'm going Kagura." He said and finally, the screams calling stopped, leaving behind a normal chatting between her and whoever their visitant was.
Mornings were always hard for him, getting up completely tired, feeling off after the nightmare, trying to be cheerful for Kagura, trying to calm his anxiety and convince himself that he wasn't going to lose them that day…
Mornings were surely not his thing.
Once he finally got up from his futon, he found himself with his normal clothes on—he was way too tired as to change into his pajamas the night before—and his bokuto resting next to him. He took a deep breath before grabbing it, feeling the wood on his hands, how the fact that he had it in his hands was calming him down, making him feel safe.
It wasn't the same as how he felt when he had a katana in his hands, but having his bokuto was way better, it make him feel at ease, while a katana… The pressure of being able to kill at any minute, the coldness of the metal, the weight of having something like that in his hands was something he never wanted to have, to feel again.
A simple wooden sword was better than having a katana.
"Captain, we're getting closer to a ship, seems like it's a Harusame one, but we aren't sure." One of his men said, and he only got closer to the little screen that was near him. "Which are your orders?" They were still far away, so on the screen was only a little ship, but it did have the colors of the Harusame.
And if it was indeed of them, that little ship could get closer to them, faster than how they could run away.
The answer was obvious.
"Atta…" But what if it wasn't from the Harusame? What if they were innocent people on board? He couldn't kill more innocent people, and even more, he couldn't make them carry the weight of having to kill innocent people either. "Retreat as faster as we can." He was the only one who had to carry that weight, not them.
"But Captain, if they are from the Harusame…" One of his men turned back to look at him, worry on his eyes.
"If we retreat now, they won't be able to attack us." He said serious, he wasn't going to kill more innocent people, that was something he decided after leaving the war, no more people begging for their life, no more blood in his hands. "We are merchants, not killers. Retreat now." He repeated while his hand went to touch his old scar.
They weren't going to carry the guilt of having killed someone that didn't deserve it, that was something he decided and was going to carry with all his might. Even if they were only going to look at his as a coward.
"Prepare the cannons. You will fire once I tell you." Mutsu said as she was leaving his side, going to one of the screens, ready to say when they should fire.
"Yes!" One of the men screamed before turning back to his computer to get ready.
Normally he would brush it off, and let Mutsu do what she wanted to. But not when there were innocent lives on the line, when they could stain their hands because of a misunderstanding, he couldn't forgive himself if something like that happened.
"MUTSU!" He screamed at top of his lungs, and the girl only looked at him surprised, after all, it wasn't normal to hear him scream, even less to see him serious. "We will retreat." He said, not even a single bit of doubt in his voice. "Now!" The hand with the scar was closed in a fist.
He wasn't going to fail at protecting his friends this time, even if that mean being a coward…
All of the men in the deck look back at Mutsu, waiting for her orders. But the fear was on the air, he knew that well.
"Retreat." She simply answered while looking at him and then at his hand, she was the only one that knew the meaning behind that scar, and maybe the meaning behind his actions. "Hurry up! We have to retreat before something happens." She added with authority before going back to him.
The men immediately started running around, following her orders as fast as they could, getting ready to retreat from that place.
"Sorry." She whispered.
"Don't be."
"You know Elizabeth," he said to his friend while on the background, the soft sound of Ikumatsu's knife cutting the food was filling the room, but he didn't pay much attention to it. "If we get Gintoki to join forces with us, we will be unbeatable!" He added happily. "With him, those idiots of the Shinsengumi won't be able to stop us!"
As a response, Elizabeth only wrote three dots on his placard, almost as if he was trying to tell how bad of an idea that was.
"I'm only joking Elizabeth." He put his placard away. "I know I can't ask something like that to Gintoki, I already made him carry a lot of things over his shoulders."
Ever since the war he only put more and more weight on Gintoki's shoulders, making him take those hard choices, letting him kill Shouyou even if he knew how much the man meant to his friend… If only he could go back and be stronger than how he was if only he could take part of all that and put if over his own shoulders.
'Are you okay?' Elizabeth wrote.
"Oh yeah! I was only thinking about the old times Elizabeth." He wasn't strong enough in the pass to make the right choices, to help Gintoki with all the things he had to carry. But now, now he could help his friend. "What about we go to his house later? We could buy some sweets for him, and some food for Leader, isn't that a better idea?"
'Okay.'
"Then it's decided it! We will go later!" He concluded with a smile.
"You should at least tell him that you're visiting, Katsura-san," Ikumatsu added as she was putting the plates of Soba in the table. "What if he has something to do later?"
"Oh Ikumatsu-dono, thank you for the food." He bowed a little. "And don't worry about us, we can wait until he is free." Waiting was nothing compared to the things that happened during the war.
She looked at him worried, but she didn't say anything about it. "Then… Should I make some ramen for you to take? I'm sure Gin-san and his kids would appreciate it." The tone of her voice, the way she looked at him, she was worried, almost as if she knew the things he was thinking.
"Please do Ikumatsu-dono." He said while giving her his best smile, he didn't to worry her, he didn't want to worry anyone.
This time he was to be the one helping them all to carry their burdens.
The ship flying slowly near Earth, almost as they knew he was watching it through his window, hating every single bit of it, remembering all the things that horrible stole to him…
He really wanted it to destroy it.
"You're so boring Shinsuke." The Yato said as he entered his room, but he didn't bother to look at him, nor question why he was in his room, his mind was completely busy with the planet in front of him.
Earth… The world that took his dear teacher away from him, the world that destroyed everything that he ever held dear, the world that Gintoki was protecting with all his strength… He, the one who had to understand his feelings better, the one that should hate that world as much as him…
"What are you going to keep on smoking? Really you're so boring." Kamui said as he was throwing himself on his bed. Sometimes he really didn't understand the things he did, but it was better to just ignore him.
"Kamui." He called while turning to see him, he was now sitting on his bed. "What do you think of that planet?" His eyes wandered back to seeing Earth, while behind him Kamui got off of his bed and was walking to his side, maybe to see the planet better.
"I don't particularly care about it, you know?" He rested his body on the wall. "But I have to say that you samurais are an interesting bunch, it would be a shame if you all die before I can fight you."
He chuckled, what else could he expect from someone like him? "I really hate that planet, so much that I want it to destroy, and destroy all the people that came from it."
"But doesn't that mean that you want to destroy yourself too?" The man said with one of his usual smiles on his face.
"I guess that in a way that's true too." After all, he didn't do anything to avoid all that from happening.
"Then you should just let me kill you Shinsuke. I won't make it painful for you." His eyes completely focused on the planet. "But if you hate it that much, why don't we go and destroy it now? Stop doing all this ridiculous planning, let's go there and I will make sure to kill everyone that gets in your way."
"It's not that easy Kamui."
Destroying the planter that Shouyou held dear, that Gintoki was protecting with all his might, the place that held all his memories… It was never going to be easy.