Life or Something Like It.
Jac Naylor stood in the doorway of her bedroom, looking at the wooden structure she had earlier spent copious amounts of time constructing for a little boy that wasn't even her own. When Joseph had phoned to tell her that Faye had gone, she had felt her heart thud in her chest as she thought of what he must be feeling to have had to have said goodbye to the little boy who was so much the apple of his father's eye; a boy who he adored, who it would destroy him to have to say goodbye to especially at Christmas, a time meaningful to so many. Then he had told her that Faye had left the child with him and once again, as it had been many times in recent weeks her world was turned upside down as she realised that no longer was she in love with and indeed dating a man who had a child to take care of, but a man who was a single father, who came as a package with his little boy...a child who would now be as much a part of her life as his father was and whose life she would play a role in no matter how much her frightened heart wanted to run away from such responsibility.
She had bought the cot before Christmas just in case. When Joseph had taken to staying at her flat and Harry had been born it felt only natural that she should buy something for the boy to sleep in, for she was completely devoted to his daddy and knew that there would be times when he would want to see her and would have his son with him...a child Jac thought adorable because so much of his father was in him...a child she wanted to run from but help take care of at the same time because he should of been hers and was part of the man she adored. Then Joseph had phoned her and uttered those words 'he's mine Jac. She's gone,' and once she'd got over the initial shock that she was in a relationship with a man now raising his son alone, she had decided it was time to build the cot that had been sitting in her flat for days, because in some strange way they were now a family and she wanted Harry's father to know that she was willing to welcome that little boy into her life.
Walking over to the cot's side, she reached out her fingers and ran them over the little zoo animals mobile which she had so carefully hung above it, smiling as it played a little tune when she moved it with her fingertips. She didn't hear Joseph unlock her door or enter the flat behind her, standing there silently with his son gurgling sleepily in his car seat as he watched her standing over the cot he had no idea that she had bought, so consumed in her thoughts. It was only when he walked up to her and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder that she realised he had come home to her on Christmas Day, and brought with him the baby who would now play such a big role in her life.
"How are my boys?" She asked softly, a dimpled grin happily brightening up her face as she turned to see them in the room with her, a look of pure contentment on the face of the love of her life...one that she hadn't seen there for a long time. One that she never wanted to take away from him again.
"We're absolutely fine. We didn't want to be apart from you on Christmas Day did we Harry?" He said softly to the little boy, placing the car seat on Jac's bed and carefully lifting the child out and into his arms.
"You sure you didn't just want to escape charades?" Jac teased, running a fingertip over the soft skin of Harry's cheek and kissing him on his head, then cupping Joseph's cheek with the palm of her hand and kissing him too.
"There was that as well." Joseph replied grinning. "Seriously though. It's Christmas. Christmas is for spending with the ones you love. I love you Jac and we're...we're like a family now..."
"Scary stuff." Jac said quietly, walking over to her bed and sitting down, her gaze falling to the cot which would soon house the sleepy little boy in Joseph's arms.
"Too scary?" Joseph asked with fear evident in his voice. He sat down next to Jac and bounced Harry on his knee throwing nervous glances her way as he realised just what she would be taking on.
Jac smiled as she watched him with his child, part of her wishing that she too had some biological claim to the boy that had stolen his father's heart. Part of her aching deeply for motherhood; a surprising ache that had never consumed her like that before.
"No. Not too scary." She replied, brushing Josephs arm with her fingertips and smiling as Harry looked at her with wide eyes and started talking to her in his little baby chatter.
Noticing Jac watching the little boy Joseph offered him to her realising that she had yet to even hold him. For a minute she looked at him warily, scared somehow that she would break him or do the same kind of damage to him that her mother had done to her but then she let Joseph place him carefully into her arms.
"Hey there little Byrne." She said softly to the child, rocking him gently. "You are a handsome little thing aren't you?"
"Thing?" Joseph asked, grinning at the totally Jac thing that she had just said, then laughing as Harry squealed with delight when she gave him an Eskimo kiss. "Look at him. He's just as charmed by you as I am." Joseph added, his heart flooding with warmth as he watched his child close his fist around the fingers of the woman he loved.
"You must be so relieved to have him here with you. To be able to be a proper father to him now." She stated, bouncing the child up and down in her arms; opening and closing her mouth as she did so to mirror the faces that he was pulling at her.
Joseph nodded, unable to tear his eyes away from the sight of Jac and the baby, wishing so much that he had been hers.
"I am relieved. Very much so. Although I did wonder if my raising Harry would be too much for you. I was half afraid to come here tonight just in case you weren't ready and wanted me to leave. I wouldn't blame you. You didn't sign up for this...but...you bought him a cot." Joseph stated, getting up and walking over to it; running his fingers gently over the ornate wooden frame.
Jac smiled.
"I bought it when he was first born. I figured that I'd see you sometimes when you had him and I didn't want you to feel like I didn't want him to be part of our life together or that you couldn't bring him here. When you rang to tell me Faye had left him with you...I decided it was time to put it up because I knew then that I would be part of his life. That I wanted to be, no matter how much I dislike his mother, because I love you too."
Joseph walked over to Jac and kissed her on the forehead.
"It was a lovely thought." He told her sincerely. "And I'm sure he'll appreciate it, although I'm not sure you will when he wakes you up in the middle of the night."
Jac smiled.
"I'm sure I'll get used to it." She told him; her heart melting when she saw the look of pure love on his face that was just for the little boy that she held. "Do you want to take him?" Jac asked as Joseph watched his son chatting away to her as he lay in her arms.
"I think he's content where he is for the moment." Joseph commented with a smile.
"I think I am too." Jac replied stroking Harry's cheek. When he moved his lips to suckle on her finger she looked at Joseph and smiled in response. "Someone's ready for his tea. That's something I can't help with I'm afraid daddy."
"I'll go warm up his formula. Will you be okay with him?"
"We'll be fine. He's a baby Joseph not a china ornament." Jac reassured him, getting up carefully and walking over to the window where she stood with the baby watching the snow fall as Joseph made his way to the kitchen and set about getting his son some milk.
"It's your first white Christmas kiddo. That's pretty special you know. Doesn't happen very often. When you're older we can gang up on your daddy and have snowball fights can't we? Yes we can, and we'll get him good." She told the little boy quietly, rocking him in her arms soothingly when he started to cry. "Are you a hungry belly? Are you?" She cooed tickling his tummy, smiling as he kicked his legs.
It was then that she noticed the box on the floor and realisation hit her about what she had been doing and completely forgotten about when Joseph had phoned up to tell her about Faye's departure. Gingerly she walked over to the bed, sitting down with the little boy still grizzling in her arms and reaching under her pillow to pull out the small plastic stick. Rocking Harry gently to try and soothe him she took a deep breath, bracing herself for the result which had been sitting unknown under her pillow for much of the afternoon and evening. When she saw the phrase that had appeared on it she stifled a sob.
"You have got to be kidding me." She whispered, a tear rolling down her cheek and falling onto Harry's blue babygro, the little boy beginning to wail in her arms. "The timing couldn't have been worse. It really couldn't have been any worse." She whispered to no one in particular.
Jac pushed the stick back under her pillow, once again walking over to the bedroom window and singing a soft lullaby to calm the hungry child. She rocked gently back and forth in soothing motions as she sang, absently kissing the soft skin of his little forehead as she again watched the snowflakes fall, wondering just how much one person's world could turn so completely upside down in such a short space of time.
"Hush now little man. Daddy's going to be here in a minute. Yes he is. Your daddy loves you very, very much you know. He's such a good man. He's going to take such good care of you." She told the little boy who began to quieten and lay looking up at her with tear filled eyes. "And I'm going to try to as well. I know I can't replace your mum. I wouldn't want to but I'll always be there for you. Whatever happens with me and your dad."
"What's going to happen to us that's going to affect Harry...? Jac you're crying."
Jac turned to her side to see Joseph standing there behind her, a bottle of milk in his hand.
"I'm fine." She replied, a little more harshly than she intended, taking the bottle out of his hand and settling herself down onto the bed so that she could feed baby Byrne. "Sorry." She whispered when she saw the look of hurt on his face.
"This is too much for you isn't it? Oh Jac I'm so sorry. I know that everything's got serious so quickly." He told her kneeling down on the floor in front of her and touching her arm. "Would you like us to go? Do you need time to think? Because I'd understand."
Jac shook her head and uncharacteristic tears began to stream down her cheeks.
"No please. Don't go. It's Christmas. I want to spend it with my boys. I promise you, this isn't about you and Harry and it's not about us. Not like that. I want us to make a go of things. I don't even care that you have a baby. He's adorable. He's part of you. I want to help take care of him."
"Then what? Please tell me what's wrong. Is it your mother? Jac you're not going to be anything like her. Look at yourself with him. You're a natural. You look so beautiful with him. You're glowing."
"I'm glowing?" Jac asked him open mouthed her cheeks then flushing red.
Joseph looked at her confused wondering what he had possibly said to upset her.
"I'm glowing? Of all the things...do you realise how apt what you've just said is? How relevant? You don't do you. You don't have a clue. Either did I. Either did I Joseph until..."
"I don't understand. Calm down..."
Jac carefully reached under her pillow so as not to disturb Harry and handed Joseph the little plastic stick. A pregnancy test she had done earlier that day and completely forgotten about until she had seen that discarded box on the floor.
"Calm down? Joseph I am glowing. Because I'm pregnant. You have a newborn son with Faye and then we go and get me pregnant."
Joseph stared at the test open mouthed, his eyes reading the phrase 'pregnant' over and over again as if consistently unable to take the word in.
"You're sure?" He asked her quietly, bringing his eyes up to meet her tearful ones for the first time; a tearfulness reflected in his own.
"It's Christmas Day, I haven't exactly been able to get an official confirmation but as far as sore breasts and the occasional bout of morning sickness go I'm sure." She told him and watched as his gaze fell to her flat stomach.
"Did you want to...terminate...?" He asked her so softly that she barely heard him but as soon as she realised what he had said she felt herself bristle and her heart pound.
"How could you...? This is ours. It's ours!" She told him as loud as she possibly could without upsetting the little boy guzzling milk thirstily in her arms.
"Jac I know. I know it is. I just thought you would want to...with Harry suddenly being thrust upon you and us being so early on in our relationship...I just thought..."
"He was hardly thrust upon me Joseph. I would never have gotten involved with you if I wasn't prepared to become involved with Harry in some way. Granted I've ended up playing a bigger role in his life than I would have expected but that's okay. I don't mind that."
"You really don't do you?" Joseph asked her quietly and Jac shook her head.
He sat down beside her and tried to take her hand in his but she wouldn't let him.
"You want me to abort it don't you? You think it's too soon." She asked, feeling angrier than she had ever felt and trying her hardest to bury it for the sake of the baby that she was carrying and Josephs little boy.
Joseph shook his head tearfully.
"I didn't think you'd want it."
"I guess I should have expected that. I am an ice queen after all. No one really expects me to have any feelings. Why should I want my own baby? But you Joseph...I never would have thought you wouldn't want it." She replied coldly.
"I've just become a father. You have to understand. I've only just got used to being a father to Harry after all of the stress with Faye. Another baby right now..."
Joseph rubbed his eyes tiredly, taking his sons tiny hand in his own as he fed.
"I know it's too soon. I know that." She told him, unable to bring her eyes to meet his. "And it's so unexpected. I never would have wanted this so early on if I'd had a choice, not when we have a newborn to take care of already but it's happened. It's happened and it's our baby Joe. Ours. Harry should have been ours but he isn't...and that's okay. We can live with that. But this baby...it is."
"I need some air." He whispered softly, kissing his son on the forehead and then fleeing the apartment quicker than Jac thought possible.
"Already left holding the baby hey Harry." She whispered, bringing the little boy closely to her as she felt hot tears threaten to fall again "And you're not even mine."
As he finished his bottle Jac got up and walked into the living room with him in her arms, turning on the Christmas lights and smiling as he watched them flashing different colours in awe. She couldn't help but think of her unborn child at that moment. What it would be like to spend her first Christmas with her own baby, a child that she had carried and given birth to and had felt hiccup, move and kick inside of her. A baby that she knew she would bond with and protect throughout her pregnancy, moaning as her stomach rounded, but feeling completely in awe of the tiny little person growing inside of her who would have little fingers and toes and a strong heartbeat that she would be able to hear and bask in when she had the scans that would give her a little window into her unborn child's world. She had never really desired motherhood. She had been too scared of it before; but when Faye had said that the baby she was having should have been hers, the beautiful little boy she now held in her arms, she had really started to think about how much she would like a child of her own. A child with Joseph. A brother or sister for Harry; although she really hadn't banked on it happening so soon, nor on its father running scared.
"Are they pretty little man? Do you like those little twinkle lights?" She whispered softly as she rubbed his back to burp him, pacing backwards and forwards in front of the living room window as she did so, Harrys head warm against her cheek. "I like them too. Don't tell your daddy but I actually quite enjoy Christmas."
Jac stopped for a moment, looking out of the window at the world passing by outside, her hand still tenderly rubbing the little boys back. It was then that she saw him, standing watching her from the roadside with his son in her arms. In minutes he was gone and Jac felt as though her world was slowly crumbling.
"I needed to get his things out of the car. I forgot them." A familiar voice said from the doorway a few moments later.
Jac turned to see Joseph place a holdall and a little baby bath on the sofa. She felt her knees turn to jelly underneath her and quickly sat down, letting the little boy coo against her shoulder.
"I thought you might like to help give him a bath before we put him to bed. Start practising for when the baby comes."
"Joe..." She whispered tearfully.
"I was stupid. I should never...of course I want it. I shouldn't have assumed that you wouldn't."
"I didn't mean for it to happen. Neither of us did. I wanted you to be able to enjoy Harry first. I wanted us to be able to enjoy him together."
"But it has happened." Joseph replied, walking over to her and kneeling in front of her again. "It has and it's okay because it's our baby. Our baby Jac. We can enjoy Harry. We can do it together. We'll just do it a little more carefully because he has a little brother or sister on the way that's all."
"What if I'm not cut out for this?A few weeks ago I had no partner and no children. Now I've got you, a step son? Is that what I even call him? And a baby of my own in here." She told him quietly, placing one hand over her stomach. "What if I can't love Harry? What if I can't give him what he deserves especially now I know that we have a baby of our own coming?"
"You already are. Look at him. Look at yourself with him."
"I'm scared." Jac admitted, smiling as Joseph sat beside her and wrapped an arm around her; both of them looking at his son.
"Me too. But we have each other and I have no intention of letting you go again Miss Naylor. None." He reassured her, running his fingertips over the soft skin of her cheek and kissing her forehead gently.
"Neither do I. We really are a little family now aren't we? I've not felt like I've had a family for such a long time." Jac told him tearfully; placing Harry gently back in his father's arms as he burped and tickling his tummy as he lay there so that he wildly kicked his legs.
"You never have to feel like that again. I'm sorry that you ever did. It's no way for anyone to feel."
Joseph ran a hand through Jac's hair.
"It's not your fault. I never want our child to feel that way Joe. Nor Harry. We have to make sure..." Jac started, feeling absolutely terrified of creating a difficult home for her baby and for Harry when all she wanted, so desperately, was to be at the side of the man that she loved, raising their family, for the rest of her life.
"They won't feel like that." He reassured her. "We will always be there for them. Together."
"What if we screw up? We know what I'm like. What if...? I hurt people. I hurt you...I lost you for such a long time."
"I hurt you back. I wasn't faultless. When you have children it's different Jac. You do what you can to protect them." He told her, watching her gaze fall to Harry.
"My mother didn't." She whispered.
Joseph looked at the floor sadly.
"No. But as I said. You are not her. You're not." He told her, propping her chin up with his thumb so that she was looking right into his eyes, Harry safely nestled in the crook of his other arm. "You will be a fine mother Jac Naylor and we are going to work this time. It'll be hard. We know that...but you...you are the other half of me and there is no other person who I want to help me raise my boy...to bear my second child...to live my life with...okay?"
Jac nodded, inwardly cursing herself for being so insecure but finding herself so touched by his words.
"What a Christmas hey? Not only do you inherit custody of your son but you find out we have our own baby on the way."
Joseph smiled.
"I honestly can't think of anything better." He told her truthfully, grinning as she took Harry into her arms and began bouncing him up and down on her knee. "A handsome little boy...a dimpled little redhead girl..."
"Twins..." She stated, grinning when she saw the look that appeared on Josephs face as he considered the possibility. "Quite a Christmas present huh little man? A baby brother or sister." Jac said to the child squealing happily in her arms.
"Merry Christmas Jac." Joseph whispered, putting his arm around her and kissing her; watching as she happily played with the little boy.
"Merry Christmas." She replied resting her head on his shoulder, knowing that she was right where she wanted to be for the first time in her life; with her boys and her unborn baby, knowing that life was finally on its way to being complete.
The End.