The Diddler on the Roof
The Musical
Act I :
"PUUUSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Screamed Ms. Frizzle in a raw, raspy. disgruntled tone. She had skin so saggy it was as if it was sagging towards the underworld and had just smoked 42 and a half menthol cigarettes in the waiting room. "I wanna see ma sun!" She continued.
**chorus begins chanting 'you got to pay the Trolls toll to get inside the Lord's hole'
Our Lord and savior, God, who was a mere 15 and just had his quinceanera the day before, was exhausted from being in labor for over 72 hours. His tiny, boyish hips couldn't bear the painful strain of childbirth.
With a scream, a grunt, and a pelvic thrust the Devil was finally born. Thus begins the legacy of the Diddler.
**Fade to black, curtains collapse, cue the 15 minute didgeridoo ocarina duet(the ocarina player only knows 'Happy Birthday') followed by the lingering DOOOONNNGGG of a gong.
**Scene Change
Act II
Our humble story takes place in a small beach on the coast of Canada. There was nothing but beach as far as the naked, nude, bare, disgruntled eye could see. And there was a school, too.
A large skateboard pulled up in front of Our Lord's house. Like 10 people hopped off that shit man.. The skate board was driven by none other than Glittery Shimmer Angel, affectionately called Glit the Clit by her peers, was the blackest bitch there was. She smelled suspiciously like a disgruntled pork chop.
"Hey yo Glit the Clit you dumb hoe! Why you smellin like meats?!" God asked. Glit jumped at the chance to demonstrate her newfound magic skills, and began pulling a never-ending chain of frozen jimmy dean sausage links out of her back pocket. Ms. Frizzle began feeding them to her henchman, Arnie, the disgruntled racist parrot child, who enjoyed being perched upon her shoulder.
God's mother, Whitney Houston was suckling on her beloved crack pipe, named Gary, while she walked out the front door with her younger son, Grover the goat lad trailing at her heels. Grover was only 3 years old, but he could still kick God's ass, took a hit off the crack pipe like a champ, and had a secret lover, Percy Jackson. This kid had his shit together.
"Oh Lawd my Lawd son is home! Lemme see ma godly grandbaby!" choked out Whitney. Arnie the Parrot Child began spazzing out at the sight of this bootylicious, gruntled, funky sugar mama.
"RAwwwk Get the KKK! RAAAAAwk Get the KKK!" Arnie shrieked. He was their founder. Miss Frizzle stuffed Arnie in her sweaty clammy bologna like cleavage. Arnie Tried in vain to avoid this forced motorboat.
LaQuesha, the uncoordinated fat fuck that she was, fell off the skate board, weighed down by her stank ass ratchet fifty pound ginger dreadlocks. She was pasty white, stained with freckles, and smelled oddly of goat cheese. She was also Arnie's lover.
Followed by LaQuesha was Samwel H Jackson, who looked suspiciously like Samuel L Jackson but with a Zorro mask and slightly more Asian.
Josh Nickels, God's best friend, hopped off the skate board and trotted up to see God's precious new baby, who was red, looked like a Doberman pincher, and had a mustache that resembled an angry disgruntled caterpillar.
"Oh Josh do love his bebes! I just want to give it a bath!" Josh purred in his thick Austrian accent as he reached for the Antichrist. But our Lord and Savior, God, snatched his freshly snatch born child away.
Josh then continued to add water of an inappropriately high temperature of 666 degrees celcius, (that's what I'm talking aboot) to a rusty tin that he once bathed in as a babe. He intended on giving lil' Lucifer a bath but couldn't detect the scalding temperature because of his fake arms. All his best friend, God, knew about his disgruntled double-amputee chum was that he was in an accident years before they met; an arm losing accident.
The water had boiled the babes skin and horns sprouted. His moustache (rest in peaches) sadly did not make the cut. (This is a metaphor. It was scalded off with the rest of his cuteness.)
**this is a good time for another song. Cue the monks who promptly began singing 'Status Quo' by the cast of High School Musical. A dance number follows and the monks end up with blonde wigs and pageant dresses on.