Calculations

Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect I wouldn't have to write any fan fics about it now would I?

This was it. The last battle, maybe. This was our last stand against the Reapers, huge bastards. I was pumped to kick these monsters asses, well Shepard did most of the ass kicking, I just kind of you know, flew the crew to their destinations.

I hope everybody comes out alright, a lot of good people died in this war. But it's what ever it takes right? Yeah that's what I thought…

Shepard turned to EDI, "EDI, are you ready for this?"

The robotic woman nodded her head, "Of course Commander, but my calculations do not show good odds of survival of our crew entering this battle."

Shepard sighed, "Well, everyone is making sacrifices in this war. We are no exception. We have to do whatever it takes to take down these Reapers. Even if that includes dying, we're soldiers, this is what we signed up for."

EDI cocked her head, "Of course Commander. I'll grab my gear."

Shepard gave EDI a look before glancing back towards the cockpit, "EDI. Are you sure you don't want to say goodbye to Joker?"

EDI turned to look at the cockpit, "Yes Commander, it is unnecessary, I can still communicate to Jeff. I am programmed into the ship, it is pointless to say goodbye."

Shepard looked EDI in the eye, "It's kind of more sentimental saying goodbye in person, rather than over speakers. I think Joker deserves a little bit more than that. After all you did plan to date rape him not too long ago…"

EDI gave as much as an alarmed look as she could, "No Commander, that was merely an idea. I announced that I could mix chemicals to have Jeff give me the same affection."

Shepard turned and starting walking away, "Whatever, I don't have time for this, I have a galaxy to save. Come join me when you're ready."

"Yes Commander." EDI started to walk to the cockpit.

Joker turned to face EDI, sure he was turned on a little by her robotic body, but this might be the last time he got to see that robotic body, and EDI of course. He stood up and approached her.

He nervously started, "So…this is it…"

EDI cut him short, "Jeff…"

He breathed, "EDI…"

EDI pulled him towards her, "…shut up."

Joker started to laugh but was smothered with a surprising kiss from EDI. His thoughts and heart was racing. He was thinking, "What the fuck?" as well as "Oh God, this is great!"

EDI controlled the doors to shut and lock, before she pulled Joker against her. Her back slammed against the wall, Joker was confused and aroused. What a winning situation for her. It was times like this EDI wished she was a little more human.

EDI started a new conversation, "Jeff."

Joker was still in a head rush but answered, "Hmm?"

She asked formally, "Would you like to proceed with sexual intercourse?"

Joker's eyes were nearly bulging out of his head.

He spluttered, "Wh-what?"

"Sexual intercourse."

Joker shook his head, "Yeah, I heard you…just, how? I mean you're in a robot body and my hip…"

EDI cocked her head, "So you wouldn't mind intercourse with me?"

Joker laughed nervously, "No. Just, uh, we have a few technical difficulties…?"

EDI began to inform, "My robotic body has sexual capabilities as an infiltration purpose, Cerberus design."

Joker was interested with how this was going to play out, he could already picture the dirtiness.

"Okay, yeah but what about my hip? It could shatter like glass…"

"Jeff, I did not overlook this problem. I will move at a steady pace as not to damage your hip."

Joker was now with the program, and he wanted to complete it full throttle. All he could think now was;

Robot tits.

EDI began kissing again, Joker kissed back with just as much force. With a steady pace their uniforms were removed. The last thing removed was his hat. EDI grabbed his pilot cap, and with a victorious toss, it landed somewhere carelessly.

While EDI was distracted with undressing Joker, he was grabbing anywhere and everywhere he could. Caressing her limbs, massaging her thighs and hip, before groping her chest. Again, with the robot tits, by now Joker was rock hard.

EDI's sensors felt his member and she helped slide it in her. She gently bucked and rocked against him, keeping true to her word of not damaging his hip while they both enjoyed themselves.

Joker was laughing, before EDI shut him up with a kiss. Her metal hands rested on his chest, her fingers tightening their grip against his shoulders, pulling him closer as a result.

He moaned in her mouth, she felt great. Was it weird for him to admit that? Hell yes, she was a fricking robot and he was a cripple. How does this intercourse even work? He shrugged it off, after all he was enjoying himself with a pleasure he would never have gotten in the past.

EDI's sensors were overloading, this was amazing. She never believed she could receive this much enjoyment from Jeff, in this way anyway. Turns out her calculations were a bit off this time. Not only was the hip interaction enjoyable, but her chest and wherever Jeff laid his hands were a unique sensation.

Joker climaxed, since he was the only organic one in this, he got tired. EDI on the other hand could go for another hundred rounds, but she complied with Jeff's wish. She helped him get dressed before dressing herself, when she was about to open the door, she stopped.

"Jeff."

He turned a grin on his face, "Yes EDI?"

She approached him, "If I do not return from this battle, I'd like to say goodbye, in person as the Commander recommended."

"Commander recommended it, in person?"

"Yes, it was supposed to be more sentimental."

"I see. Alright."

"Goodbye Jeff."

"Goodbye EDI, be sure to kick some ass out there for me."

She smiled, "Of course. Take care of yourself Jeff."

"Yeah…you too." As EDI began to turn, he sighed, "But, could you at least try to come back?"

She turned and held him, "Would it reassure you if I did?"

"Yes, I mean I really wouldn't mind having a round two…" he said, suggestively.

EDI smiled at him, "Of course Jeff, you were very pleasurable."

"Thanks, uh, you too." he responded awkwardly.

EDI paused, soaking in his expression, before cocking her head, "Will you miss me?"

Joker was confused, and decided to use EDI's own words, "…um, would you be reassured if I did?"

"This is not for my reassurance, this is from your own opinion."

He sighed, "…yeah. Yeah, I would."

EDI kissed him stroking his hair, Joker kissed her back, hoping it wouldn't be the last. He still thought it was weird he was having emotions for a robot, but what the hell, she liked him back. Plus, no one else could get it on with him.

"Goodbye Jeff…"

"Goodbye EDI…"

"If I do come back, I'll hold you to it."

"To what?"

"Round two…"

Joker chuckled to himself as EDI opened the door and walked away. He would cherish whatever just happened forever, and he promised to himself he would never tell anyone what happened. This was strictly EDI and his business, err affair? Nah, business.

EDI walked away, she was calculating her chances of survival, and returning for a round two. Her odds were…

A/N: WHOO! Finally uploaded this, you would not believe how unsure I was about posting this...so yeah. First Joker/EDI fic. Enjoy.