What in the hell is going on? This is certainly not what's supposed to happen. Does this mean I've finally chosen to end it?
Comments? DeMachina@cs.com Flamers: Read the whole thing you idiots; MSTers: I really don't think so; Regular comments: Go ahead.
By the way, this is a lot better if you read it while playing "You don't bring me flowers" (The Duet Version between Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand) On continuous loop. It lets the emotions flow through a lot better.
By: Gabriel
Twenty years of togetherness. Twenty long years of struggles and trials and hopes and dreams. Twenty years of happiness and laughter and light and love. Two decades as lovers and friends. Rika and Renamon had beaten all the odds others had stacked against them. They had made it to a point that others couldn't even think of reaching. And they were very happy. Or so they seemed.
~You don't sing me love songs.~
Renamon hummed lightly to herself as she bustled happily around the kitchen. She was so very busy lately, having to do all the cooking and cleaning around the house since the death of Rika's grandmother. Mikino was nice and offered to help every now and again but she had no domestic skills to speak of, so she more often than not just sat around reading. She'd grown too old for modeling; the profession unsuitable for long stretches anyway. She'd accumulated a good amount of money, so there was no longer a need to worry about that.
"Renamon? Are you sure I can't help you in there?" Mikino called from the living room.
"I'm fine, mother. Just throwing together a little something for Rika. She's always so grumpy and hungry when she gets home from work."
"I'm surprised she's always so starved. She always takes that big boxed lunch that you make for her."
"She must have a very fast metabolism. After all, she has stayed thin all her life. Very svelte and sexy... Sorry..."
Mikino chuckled softly. "It's quite alright. I know you're still totally, desperately in love with her. It's so sweet. I don't think any man could have loved Rika as long or as well as you."
"I don't mean to brag..." Renamon began.
~When I come through the door~
~At the end of the day.~
"I'm home!" Rika called, slamming the door behind her. She had grown into a fine young woman indeed. Her hair was so long it could no longer remain in it's usual pineapple spike design. So it flowed over her like a river of redness, shimmering whenever it was touched by sunlight. She wore a very conservative ensemble, looking like every other office working woman in the universe. "I hope there's something to eat, I'm just starving."
"Heartbreaker!" Renamon dashed from the kitchen and opened her arms for her human lover. But Rika just brushed past her, making her way towards the refrigerator.
"Not now, Renamon. I'm just hungry right now."
Renamon looked hurt for a moment but plastered a half-hearted smile on her face. "O-ok then. I'll just keep working on dinner then."
Mikino eyed her daughter curiously. There was something wrong with her. She seemed so different. She was no longer the fiery child who openly defied her by choosing Renamon as her lover. Now she seemed distant and cold. She'd slipped back into the way she was before Renamon. And unfortunately now Renamon had to feel the full chill of Rika's unfriendliness. "Rika? Honey is something the matter?"
"No mother, everything is fine. Why do you ask?"
"I just... Nothing. Forget it." If she'd learned anything it was to just let her tell everything in her own time. She would have to eventually. She always did.
~You couldn't wait to love me~
~Used to hate to leave me.~
"So, Rika, how was your day?" Mikino hated to pry but she just couldn't help herself. Perhaps she could stimulate conversation.
A beat. Then another. And another. "It was... normal. I had a lot of work to do and no one would get off their donut stuffed butts to lighten the load."
"That's terrible. You'd think at least one person would help you."
"They're all useless. So disgusting and horrible."
Renamon hesitated a little before she broached a rather hard subject. "I-it's almost summer. That means it's time to go and visit Jeri..."
"I don't wanna talk about it, Renamon."
"We do this every year..."
"I said no!" Rika slammed her fists onto the table. "I don't want to go visit Jeri's grave again."
"Sorry, Heartbreaker..." Renamon looked down while Rika just continued to eat as though nothing had happened.
~When it's good for you~
~And you're feeling alright~
Renamon sighed deeply, enjoying the flavor of Rika's feminine fluids as she licked it from her muzzle. She licked at her fingers once she had cleared her muzzle, a deep pleasured rumble in her chest. She loved making love to Rika. It hadn't lost it's special edge in all the years they'd been together. It was still like the first time. She looked over at Rika, to see if she was basking in the afterglow as well.
~And you turn out the light~
She was asleep. Solidly, deeply, fully asleep. She hadn't said a word of thanks or compliment, hadn't even asked for a kiss goodnight. She just rolled over and went to sleep. Wasn't there a joke about men doing that? Renamon shook her head and settled down beside Rika. She was just stressed. Nothing to worry about. She drew the covers up over her and her lover, snuggling up but unable to shake the feeling that they were a million miles apart.
Renamon shivered a little, as though feeling the chill of Rika even in her sleep. And a tear rolled from her eyes onto the pillow.
~To talk about forever~
"What should we do today, Heartbreaker? You finally have a day off and don't have to worry about anything at all."
"I just wanna relax today, Renamon. No offense but I earned this rest."
"Of course. Well, I'll be attending to the chores. If you need anything just call."
Rika gave a little grunt of acknowledgement and settled comfortably onto the couch, flipping through channels on the television, nothing seeming to hold her attention for very long.
Renamon flicked at this and that with a feather duster, hardly paying attention to what she was doing. Dust rose up and settled back down again on what it had been resting on. A small fox statue. A silvery menorah. A photograph of Rika and Renamon taken on Rika's eighteenth birthday.
Renamon took a moment to admire the picture. Rika was so cute then, just like now. Her youth was still apparent. Through all her life she had been cute. When they had first met it was a youthful glow. Then a matured sensuality. And finally an adult attractiveness. And Renamon... looked exactly the same. She hadn't changed the tiniest bit in all the years. There were advantages to always staying the same. She could always count on her beauty. But then, without changing, she couldn't gain any new dimensions or types of beauty.
~'Til we sweep them away.~
Renamon fluttered the duster over the picture repeatedly, actually caring that it got nice and clean. In fact she kept dusting even after it was clean, thinking, perhaps, that she could clear it off so much that it would become the reality of the moment. If the picture was clear enough she could climb right inside and live that moment over again. Anything but the present time. As much as she loved Rika, the new dourness her love had acquired was rather distressing. Any little escape would be nice. But, eventually she got a hold of herself and went to clean elsewhere, leaving the freshly cleaned picture to gather dust again.
~All the things you taught me.~
"How sweet..." Mikino ran her fingers lightly along a picture in one of her scrapbooks. Ever since Rika had started letting her take pictures she'd snapped photo after photo of the loving couple, creating a diary of their relationship, showing Rika growing, developing, changing. Graduating high school, graduating college, getting her first job. Her only job. Much as Mikino liked her having work, it was hard knowing that her daughter was nothing but a cog in the great machine of economy. She noted, however, that Renamon didn't change a bit. She looked eternally the same. Everyone's dream, to remain in the most beautiful of states.
"Hello mother. What are you doing?" Renamon sat down gingerly besides Mikino, looking over the scrapbook.
"Just revisiting a few memories..."
"Oooh, I remember that. Rika's sixteenth birthday. She was so excited." Renamon looked over the photographs of the party. Everyone looked so happy, though Rika tried to maintain her stalwart outer appearance. Two empty chairs reminded her of the dark spot of every party. Two chairs left open for the ones who could not be there.
~And I learned how to cry.~
"What a life. The same work over and over again. The same everything over and over again. I am so bored!" Rika hit the couch in frustration. Nothing ever changed. Life was a static stage that occasionally varied the color of the spotlights. Beyond that, she did the same thing all the time. She remembered back, back before Renamon. Things had been worse. Tension, uncertainty. Action. Different things. Dangerous things. After Renamon things were exciting as well, because there was more danger and uncertainty. But she had been protected from them all. Protected from everything but two deaths.
Rika slid onto her side, curling up on the couch. Her emotions were so sharp now. Everything was sharper. She hadn't been like this. Her icy exterior and burning rage had destroyed all of her old emotions. She held it all in and let them perish within, die by fire or ice. The she had learned her heart was more than a prisoner of her inner torment. She learned what it was to be in love. She smiled. Smiled for Renamon, graced her with a twist of her lips, something she hadn't bestowed upon anyone. She had been, for the first time in a long time, happy. Not superior, not victorious, not haughty, but happy. There was no prize to collect, just the feelings of someone else.
But then, she had learned to be sad. She learned well. The near deaths of Renamon, mostly from decisions she had made, the inability of her mother to cope with her lover, the betrayal of that center, and finally... Death. Death; raw, fresh and angry. One didn't get a funeral; one shouldn't have had one. That little coffin, smaller than one should have been. They shouldn't make coffins that small. Rika buried her face in a pillow. She'd had her share of heartbreak and delight. It had all been so much fun. But now it was all the same. "Nothing ever changes..."
~Even learned how to lie.~
Renamon traveled down memory lane with Mikino, quite glad to share the memories. She was afraid that she had been losing her memories as they all swirled together, details fuzzing and blurring. Without changing physically she couldn't chart time like many. She looked the same through all points of consideration. It all blended and became the same. "And there, we looked so beautiful there. The only time Rika let a professional photograph her."
"Well, a girl only gets married once, if she's lucky. I convinced her it was a special enough occasion to have the photos done professionally." Mikino flipped the page. A candid shot, taken at night two days after the wedding. Both Rika and Renamon looked so peaceful there, lying in bed together. "You two really make a cute couple."
"We really do, don't we..." Renamon looked wistful, a pleasant smile on her face. The first one in a while. "Everything is just perfect..."
~How to tell you goodbye.~
"I don't know why I never saw it before." Rika dug around in her room, gathering up this and that from the organized clutter that had developed over years of saving keepsakes and mementos. Trembling fingers ran over treasures and trinkets, each one instilled with it's own private memory, one moment crystallized in time. Shrugging off such thoughts, the tamer found the things she had been searching for. A pen, a piece of paper, a sturdy box, and a bag that held the supplies she and Renamon had used when they used to travel around. Dissimilar objects uniting for some grander purpose. Something known only to the woman who tearfully wrote upon the paper, going along despite the nagging feeling of how wrong it was.
The bag was opened and out of it Rika pulled a few mountaineering supplies. Climbing spikes, a rock hammer and a length of rope. Out of the bag also fluttered a dry, crinkly flower. Rika scooped it up from the floor and held it gently in the palm of her hand. "That flower Renamon found while we were climbing Fuji. She pressed it for me; to keep forever..." Her hand closed around the brittle plant, crumbling it into tiny flakes which she dropped upon the floor. Abandoning the crumpled memory she set to work, securely hammering the stakes into the walls and floor, for some purpose...
~How to tell you goodbye.~
"Heartbreaker? Mother and I are going out for dinner. Would you like to..?" The question died in her throat as she slid the door to her and Rika's room open. Facing her, right in the center of her vision, was Rika. She swayed slowly, her head held at an odd angle by the rope secured tightly around her neck. A box had been kicked in front of her, obviously what she had stood on. The rope was kept in place though a good number of knots around climbing spikes that had been hammered in around the room. Her cheeks were damp, revealing that she had been crying before doing what she had done. A note was stuck to her shirt with a pushpin, the paper giving a rustle every time Rika swayed a little.
Renamon hesitantly approached the surreal scene and ripped the note off quickly, not wanting to believe it was real. It was a joke. Some horrible, sick joke someone was playing.
"Dear Renamon,
I don't know why, but it feels like something is missing. The excitement is gone. I know life isn't all excitement, but I can't explain what I'm feeling either. This is the coward's way out, I know. But that's what I want. Because I am being a coward. I can't face life that doesn't change, so I'll just run away. This note is the last thing I ever thought I'd write. But I had the sense to recognize I don't know how to let you go. I'm so sorry.
Your heartbreaking, betraying beloved, Rika."
"No..." The note drifted from her hands, fluttering to the ground like a dying bird. It landed softly atop a crumbled pile of plant matter, a memory destroyed. "Rika, no..."
"Why? Why would you think..?" She knew, of course. She had been feeling the same way. She never changed. She was always the same. How it must have hurt her fiery, ever-active lover to live with someone who was sedate and settled. Had she gotten married with regrets? Had she wished to be wild, untamed and unhitched? "Why didn't you tell me?" She had always been there, ready to listen, ready to understand. Ready for anything. A few words would have been enough. A simple expression of her feelings would have brought any changes that Rika wanted. It had always been about her happiness.
"If this is how you want it, Rika, then that is how it shall be. Don't worry. I understand." Renamon stood before Rika's body, looking down so she wouldn't have to see her beautiful face claimed by death. She ran her large fingers over her belly, letting her claws drift through the fur and lightly drag along the flesh beneath. "Don't you fear, sweetness. You won't have to go alone..." Her claws dug into her belly harder, rending her flesh and causing blood to spill upon the floor. She winced a little but concentrated on her reasons. Another slow drag of her claws brought another ragged group of lines that exposed her inner organs.
"Rika? Renamon? What's keeping you two? Are you... No!" Mikino walked into viewing range and froze, not wanting to believe what she was seeing. Rika swayed from a rope while Renamon lay at her feet, slowly vanishing into particles of data. She ran into the room, totally panicked. Everything was falling apart. This shouldn't have happened. "What's going on?"
Renamon didn't even try to explain. She had no time. She just smiled a pained smile at Mikino and then looked up to Rika, no longer afraid to face her, as death would soon claim her as well. "She won't have to go alone. Don't worry, I'll take care of her even now..." And with that, she burst into a data cloud, leaving Mikino alone with the corpse of her daughter and the memory of her daughter-in-law.
** ** ** ** ** ** **
Angstmon practically cooed in her sleep, slowly rolling over onto her other side. She lay wrapped in digital softness, safely hidden inside a program, working her infectious tendrils deep inside of the data, drawing strength, healing, preparing. Her lips curled up in an evil smile as she drank in the perfect pain and suffering she was seeing, the wasted lives and pointless sacrifice. Death and sorrow and hopelessness, perfect darkness spreading as she always envisioned it would. Her mouth slowly opened and, despite being asleep and having no one to hear her she softly whispered, "I love this dream..."
~Owari~
Disclaimer: Wisely placed at the end of this fic to keep things as mysterious as possible. I don't own Digimon or any of the places and situations. All I own is Angstmon (Some thing to own). The song is Copyright the wonderfully talented Neil Diamond. The line "I had the sense to recognize I don't know how to let you go." is semi-paraphrased from the song "Do what you have to do." by Sarah McLaughlan. By the way, to all those people who don't get it (Read: Stupid flamers) this is just Angstmon's DREAM! It's not real. Well, except for the Jeri thing. That is officially part of my story arc, so, unfortunately, she's dead.