Here's my second fic! My first try at some angst. Carlisle and Jasper are my favorite father/son pairing. Enjoy! :)
Carlisle had followed his scent from their house. It led him through the woods and into the town. This worried him. What would he be doing around so many humans after what had happened?
The other day was still fresh in his mind. It was Bella's eighteenth birthday. Esme and Alice had been so excited because it was the first reason for the family to celebrate a birthday in decades. Carlisle wondered how and why things had to happen the way they did. He didn't blame anyone for what had happened. It only filled him with regret and grief at what he and his family had to do next. Leaving Forks was a painful decision to make but he knew it was the right thing to do. He had become so attached to his job at the hospital and his family had grown to love Forks and call it home. It pained him all the more to think of Edward, who had to let go of something much more dear to his heart.
Carlisle was surprised to find that the trail had led him to a church. It was a small church and the only one in Forks. He had visited the church often when he first arrived in Forks. As a human, religion was a duty imposed on him by his father. It almost felt like a necessity for him even if he wasn't entirely sure of his faith at times.
The scent led him to the first row of pews. There was a figure in the corner surrounded by shadow. He was kneeling and his hands were clasped in prayer.
"Jasper?"
Jasper looked up at the sound of his father's voice. His eyes were a deep gold which explained how he could stand the smell of the humans. He looked back down right away as if he were ashamed to look Carlisle in the eye.
Carlisle sat next to him and looked around the church. Aside of a few people and a priest praying near the altar, they were the only ones there. He sat in silence with Jasper. Despite having just fed, Jasper had dark circles under his eyes. Carlisle wanted to put his hand on his son's shoulder and comfort him, but he couldn't figure out what to tell him.
He loved his father, yet he resented the fact that the only memories he had of him were as a pastor and not as his own father. At times it scared him when he had to be there for his sons, because his father had never been there for him.
Finally, Jasper spoke. His voice sounded husky and even though he couldn't, he looked like he desperately needed sleep. "I used to go to churches... back when I was with Maria. I had it in my head that maybe if I prayed often... maybe he'd forgive me." He looked toward the altar at the face staring at him from the cross.
"Do you believe in God, Jasper?"
Jasper smiled sadly. "I have this one memory from when I was human... It's one of my only memories that I can remember clearly. There was a chapel near our house and I remember peeking into it and seeing a priest kneeling in front of the altar and praying. I asked my mother about it. I asked her, 'What was the man doing?'. She said that he was praying to God to keep the town safe during the war. She said that God is kind and that he'll always protect you and love you..." He combed both of his hands through his hair. "I was a child, and at that time I believed her. I believed that God loved me..." He laughed weakly.
"Jasper, no one blames you for what happened. I don't blame you. Bella said herself that she isn't angry at you. Edward forgives you, and he's concern-"
"That's not the point. The point is that I tried to kill Bella. And if I had been alone with her, I would have... After all this time, I was starting to convince myself that I had changed."
"You have changed."
"It's been five decades and I still can't be in a room with a human and not feel like my clawing my throat out. I came here thinking I could ask for forgiveness and all I can think about is the blood pulsing through their veins." He glanced briefly at the people by the altar and clenched his jaw.
"We all have to fight the urge. Last night Esme, Rosalie, and even Edward couldn't stay in the same room when I was stitching Bella's wounds. It's difficult for all of us and at times we have let ourselves go."
"You haven't."
Carlisle smiled. "Fighting the thirst was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I did think of myself as a monster. Trying to stand the smell was unbearable. I didn't have it as hard as you do. I didn't expose myself to any humans, because I knew that if I did, I wouldn't have been able to control myself... I tried so hard to destroy that monster, and during those times I did pray. I asked for strength even when I didn't believe that anybody would give it to me."
"If you didn't believe, then why did you pray?"
"…Because it's better to live believing in something, even if a part of you knows that it doesn't exist rather than to live not believing in anything at all. I would rather believe that there is a God who will love and protect my family rather than believe that we are excluded from grace because of what we are. I have to believe that there's more to this life... for all of us... Jasper you have to believe that someday you will forgive yourself. If you won't do it for your sake, then do it for your family's sake and for Alice's... and for mine."
"How can I do that? How can I forgive myself?"
"It's not easy. I thought myself wretched and terrible when I first transformed Edward, Esme, and Rose. I told myself it was selfish and that I was doing it for my own gain. I thought that they would hate me and never forgive me for what I did. Now... I have a wife, a son and a daughter. At times I still do feel that way when I see their suffering. Especially Rosalie."
Jasper looked into Carlisle's eyes for the first time. Carlisle felt it was his job to have faith for all of his family. Seeing Jasper in his distraught state did nothing but strengthen the faith he had for him. He had fierce belief in his son and knew without a doubt that Jasper would be strong enough to pull through. Jasper looked almost startled when he realized how strong Carlisle felt.
"Jasper, whichever path you choose, just remember that you won't ever have to be alone anymore."
Carlisle reached his hand out toward his son. Jasper inhaled deeply and finally took his father's hand.
For the first time in nearly a decade, Carlisle began to pray.