Disclaimer: I do not own any of the cobras, or the lyrics to Bird Dog by The Everly Brothers (check the song out if you have time, it always reminds me of the cobras), I only own the characters Brad Gregorio and the girls mentioned by name.
Author's Note: Well here I am again, this time with a two-shot. The idea came to me yesterday and I just had to write it down, it was originally just going to be a one-shot but then I kept writing so now it's a two-shot. Anyway this is just a little harmless fun and I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Enjoy!
Warning: This story features a ton of curse words, smoking and alcoholic substances, you have been warned.
Mischief
TheGoofyCat
It was a chilly night in the junkyard and Vince's Studebaker parked out the front. Eyeball, Billy and Vince were all sitting around a small campfire - that Eyeball had built. Beer cans are tossed on the floor, the radio plays and the remains of a hamburger laid ketchup side down.
"Another Friday night wasted in Squaresville," Eyeball tosses his burger to the side and it joins the other. "Ace said he'd show with the jackpot two hours ago!" the jackpot being a whole keg of beer.
"Asshole's too busy catching skirt,"
"Yeah, well we're running low, Vince," He swirls his beer around signalling that it was low and then gulps down the last mouthful. "So what do you suggest we do about it, huh?"
"Beats me! Maybe if you didn't swig so hard you'd still have ya beer," Vince sniggers and he receives a threatening glance.
"Maybe I'll shove this here bottle so far up your ass, that when Ace does show he'll have to pry it out your nose!"
"Cool it, Eyeball! Ace ain't showing,"
"And how would you know, Tessio?"
"He's at the drive-in with that Loraine chick," Billy shrugs it off as if it were nothing. "Told me this mornin'."
"Then why the fuck did you not tell us this two hours ago, Asshole?" Eyeball hawks up a spit and spits it into the fire. "You're lucky Vince went and got us the food 'cause if if I were still hungry I'd kick your teeth in."
"It skipped my mind, shit-heap!" Billy receives a blow in the arm from Vince. "You asking for it, Desjardins?"
"You're the one asking for it! We could be at Irby's hitting on broads, but you forgot to tell us the only reason why we're here in the first place isn't gonna show!"
"Now I'm stuck here on my last cigarette, no booze, no keg, and with you two retards."
"This ain't a party for me either, Eye-socket!" Vince looks at the ground. Then an idea strikes. "Hey! I'm pretty sure I got a full bottle of tequila stashed down the side of my backseat." He jumps up. "Yeah, I definitely do! Remember when we all took that drive to Portland and Fuzzy and Billy got so drunk they barfed outta the window right outside a fuzz car?"
"Don't remind me!"
"And then we all stashed our booze!"
"Yeah, I remember! And then me and Ace just drove on in his car and you all got canned!" Eyeball laughs at the memory. Vince and Billy shoot him a glare.
"Well Fuzzy passed out on the way back home and forgot his liquor. It's still there."
"Then what are you still doing here, Desjardins? Go get it!" Eyeball pushes him and Vince stumbles his way over to his car.
Two minutes in and Vince was still a no show.
"Hurry the fuck up, I ain't got all night!"
"What the hell's taking you so long?"
"Will the both of ya stop flippin' ya lids," He slides out of his car and returns tequila in hand. "Ladies, let me introduce yous to Señor Let's-get-loaded." His laughter fills the junkyard. Eyeball snatches the bottle out of his hand and studies it.
"This is boss stuff." He smirks. "Shame Fuzzy ain't gonna try any!" He cracks off the lid and swigs it.
"C'mon, Chambers! Don't hog the stuff." Billy grabs the bottle and downs some himself. "You're right, this ain't so bad! Needs some lime."
"Who do ya think I am? A fucking bartender?" Vince spits and snatches the bottle back. "How 'bout we make this lick a whole lot interesting?"
"What ya thinking, Desjardins?" Eyeball watches Vince pull out a deck of cards from his leather jacket followed by a shot glass he always had stashed away inside his glove box for times like this.
"Highest card wins. Winner chooses who takes a swallow, make it a straight win and both losers drink, win a third time and you take a shot yourself." Vince shuffles the deck. "What do yous say?"
"I'm in!"
"Fuckin' A!"
Forty minutes later...
"Vince, ya fucking cheat!" Eyeball slurs after downing his second shot of tequila in under a minute. "I'm gonna get ya back, cock-knocker!" his eyes glaze over and he finds himself seeing double. He pulls out a card from the deck and chuckles as he looks at it. "Ha! I win! Eighty-eight of hearts! Ain't nobody gonna beat that."
"There ain't no eighty-eight in a deck of cards, asshole!" Vince shows them the four of clubs he had just picked.
"That's a fuckin' eight. You're seeing double, Chambers." Billy picks up a card and he pulls out a king of spades. "Read it and weep, Eyeball, 'cause it's your turn to drink."
Eyeball shoots up from the floor and grabs the scruff of Billy's collar. "Why, Billy, I'm gonna pound you!" He raises his hand ready to give him a right hook as he rolls his hand into a fist.
"Sit down, fag!" Vince pushes Eyeball back down. "Game's a game, Billy won fair and square! Here, drink up!" He shoves the tequila bottle into Eyeballs chest. The bottle almost at it's last drop.
"Fuck! You guys are in on it together," Eyeball groans. He spills some tequila as he pours his shot and then drinks it. It were true - Eyeball had more than his fair share tonight.
"Jesus! We finished the bottle." Vince lifts the bottle and tips it upside down, a single drop fell and then nothing. "Man, I don't feel a thing!"
Five minutes later...
"Johnny sings a love song,"
"Like a bird,"
"He sings the sweetest love song,"
"Ya ever heard,"
"But when he sings to my gal,"
"What a howl,"
"To me he's just a wolf dog,"
"On the prowl,"
Laughter fills the air when Vince and Eyeball stop singing to the Everly Brothers' Bird Dog. "This song always cracks me up." Eyeball states. The two erupt with more laughter when they see Billy fall to the ground.
"Hey, Tessio, the earth moves pretty fast doesn't it?" Vince elbows Eyeball and they both snigger.
"I'm a bird dog!"
"You're a putz, more like. Shit, I'm bored, how 'bout we make our way to the bar?" Vince hiccups and turns his attention to Eyeball.
"It's one in the mornin' Irb ain't lettin' us in."
"This is all your fault, Tessio!"
"What I do?" Billy takes a kick in the ribs from Vince.
"You didn't tell us about Ace."
"Don't blame me, Vince. This is all Ace's fault."
"Yeah! You're right! It is that asshole's fault! I don't know about you, man, but I'm sick of Ace ditching us for tits!" He watches as Eyeball and Billy nod their heads in agreement. "What's it, the fourth time this month?"
"Nah, you're forgetting the pom pom twins!"
"What you complaining at, he gave you one of 'em!"
"Yeah, but she was rode hard and put away wet before I even got to second base." Eyeball complains. He picks up an empty beer bottle and tries to get the last drop, but with no luck.
"Well, tonight's the last time he ditches us without us saying a word."
"Why? What you gonna do about it?" Eyeball snorts.
Billy sits up from the ground. "Yeah, what you gonna do about it, Vince?"
"You mean what are we gonna do about it," Vince looks around for any prying eyes and ears, once he's satisfied that nobody is around he leans in. "I say we come up with something to get him back for all those times he ditched us!"
"Yeah!" Billy and Eyeball cheer, both as drunk as each other.
"Break his window?"
"Kidnap his mother?
"Key his car?"
"Eat his fish?"
"Nah, there all too far, besides he ain't got any fish." Vince squints his eyes. His fingers squeeze at his chin and he suddenly claps his hands together. "I got it!"
"What you thinking, Vinny?" Eyeball's eyes gleam with mischief.
"Let's toilet paper his house!"
They all howl with laughter.
"Boss! But just one problem, how we gonna get a stash of toilet paper at this time of night?" Eyeball raises his good eye.
"This is where good ol' Mrs Tessio comes in." Vince pats Billy on the back.
"What's my ma got to do with this?" Billy gets defensive.
"Come on, Billy. You told us yourself about your Ma's rations in your basement, there's gotta be about a dozen piss-rolls down there."
"Yeah, but she's saving 'em till the next war!"
"Well, tonight we're at war!"
"Yeah, we're soldiers in battle." Eyeball clenches his fist in excitement as adrenaline rushes threw his body. "Man, this is gonna be the best blast of my life, well apart from the night I first got laid, but it's a close second." They all snigger.
"Let's do this!"
"Hell, yeah!"
"Fuckin' A!"
They all run to the Studebaker, their hearts pumping and their heads spinning
"Watch the interior, Billy, you never know when i'll bring a chick back there,"
"Nobody get's laid in a Studebaker, Vince." Eyeball chuckles and watches Vince lean in towards him. "Everybody knows that!"
"Well I'll have you know that I had Viv McInty, in the very seat that Billy's sat in, not that long ago, legs spread, bald eagle, you name it."
"Viv McInty?" Eyeball snorts. "We've all had her, she fucks anything with a dick. Come back to me and brag when ya fuck Betsy West in this tin can!"
"Will yous two shut up? Vince, just drive, man."
"Ah! All right!" Vince fumbles around for his key but then realizes he left it in the ignition. "Fuck! I can't drive when I'm this drunk."
"Well ya gotta, so punch it and goose it!" Eyeball commands.
The car reverses out of the junkyard and drives unsteadily down the road, they soon arrive at the Tessios and Vince pulls up the driveway, he pulls the handbrake up and tells Billy not to be long and not to get caught.
Ten minutes later...
"What took ya so long?" Eyeball spits when Billy returns.
"I was getting us drink." Billy shoves the toilet rolls in the back and then hops in.
"Coke? You got us a bottle of coke each?" Eyeball blinks at the glass bottle Billy had just shoved in his hand.
"My dad locks the liquor cabinet, asshole! And there weren't any beer in the fridge." Billy glares back. "I got us some eggs."
"Eggs?"
"Yeah! They might come in handy." He shrugs and cracks the lid off the coke with his teeth.
Vince stalls the car as he drives off the sidewalk that he had clipped over, Billy and Eyeball laugh at him. "Told you I can't fucking drive!" He starts the car again and they soon reach the center of town. Vince notices Brad Gregorio come out of Irby's, "Hey, it's that fag Brad!" He also notices the girl round his arm. "That girl could've been in any of our arms if we had been there!"
"I hate that guy!"
"Slow down, Vince," Eyeball grins as he winds down the window. "Pass me the eggs," He snatches the half-dozen eggs out of Billy's hands and pulls his body out of the window. "Hey, Gregorio! How do ya like ya eggs?" Brad was just about to tell him to piss off when an egg flies at him and cracks on his forehead the goo oozes down his face as his date screams. "Scrambled, ya cock-knocker!"
"Fuck you, Chambers. You're dead!"
Eyeball slides his body back in the car.
"Jesus, Eyeball, my sides are hurtin'. I think I've busted a gut." Billy can't control himself as he laughs.
"You were right, Billy, those eggs did come in handy."
"Did you see my shot? Man, that was precise."
To be continued...
Oh, you have no idea how much fun I had writing this! Love it? Hate it? Review?