Just Another Farewell
Ah, I hear something. A clunk, then a clink. Ara, she is here. I wonder if she's leaving now...
There's a dull pain in my head, but I manage to get up and walk over to the place of the sound. And I see her, long black hair, emerald eyes that used to light up to see me. Now they seem to mirror my own dull light.
"Hey, leaving already? Natsuki is noisy in the morning!" I whine just to keep the mood light. It's hard to ask her if she is leaving, I know she is. I want her to stay with me. But that would be too much to ask.
"Yeah, sorry about that Shizuru. I'll be back tomorrow morning." You reply, with your mouth half stuffed with mayo sandwich. I knew I shouldn't have bought it...so unhealthy.
"I see" I look away. I hate this. I like her presence around me. But even if she stays, we spend time, it is unfulfilling. You see, we do nothing affectionate. A small display of love wouldn't kill, but not showing it is killing our 'relationship'. Whatever that is. Is there some kind of love present in what we share? I suppose so, but not one where we would show physical affections to each other. I don't care. If it's a hug being initiated by you, or a kiss. Even such a small thing as holding hands, just from you, would make me so happy. Would make me feel loved. Maybe because sometimes, I shower you with them, that you don't see my needs to be showered with it. But now, I feel so hollow in this relationship with you. Questioning why we started. There really is nothing, that I can feel happy about, only agony. Except maybe those moments, where your presence, is present.
"Shizuru"
I look up. Lost so much in my thoughts, I didn't realize you were talking to me.
"I asked, if you're okay..."
"I'm fine Natsuki" I smile, my trained smile. It's so easy to masquerade my feelings around you.
All I need is patient. To see how long, and where this will go. Just a while longer. When I finally see where this goes Natsuki, when I have proof of what I am saying, when I've worked so hard and finally burn out, I will voice out my dissatisfaction. Until then, continue whatever you want to do, Natsuki. I shouldn't be the one to always voice out my need. Sometimes, you need to realize it too. Asking you it, would be akin to demanding it. And why force you into something?
"Well then, I should be off." Wearing your shoes, you're set to go.
Are you dissatisfied in this relationship, Natsuki?
"I'll see you later" You say, with your back turned.
"Love you!" I say, reminding her, that I really love her. Though I haven't heard her say it.
"Take care" I quickly add on. Even saying words of love and affection are hard for me.
You shoot a glare at me.
"You know my opinion about taking care" You say. I giggle, so cute, Natsuki.
"Yes, yes, but I will say it. To remind you to take care. Oh and be safe!" I say with a cheerful smile. My mask has never cracked in front of you, and I refused to let it crack now.
You look at your watch. "Gotta go" You say, turn and head out.
No hugs.
No kisses.
No reassurance.
Just a view of your back with the black tress swinging, then the heavy white door closes, erasing any traces of you, for me to see.
And I feel hollow, as my mask finally cracks, and a sad smile plays my lips.