Hey everyone! So 5x20 Spoby hurt my heart (well really everything from 5x15 going onward tbh) so I needed some writing therapy to help me through the pain, and I wrote this. *virtual Spoby igloo cuddle* This takes place any time after this weeks episode, but I'm thinking maybe more like 5x23/5x24...? Marlene did say something about an epic scene in the episode before the finale so I'm holding out for that. *fingers crossed it might go something like this*
Let me know your thoughts? I miss you guys! Sorry I've been so MIA!
It was never like this between them.
Fighting, sure, was anything but foreign territory. "Maybe you're the one who needs protection," was often a common theme of their arguments. They scream at each other about needing the other to be safe, both adamant on their views, until eventually one leaves, tears residing in both their eyes.
But they always made up. It was never like this between them, awkward and unbelievably tragic while trying to avoid the elephant in the room (or in this case, the truck). It doesn't seem likely they're going to get through this; there might just be too much baggage to get past this time. There is a conversation to be had that neither desires to touch upon, but it's necessary and Toby is the one to break the silence.
"I feel like we've already lived this moment, Spencer. You called saying it was important but you're not saying anything."
Spencer keeps her fixed expression on the dashboard but doesn't respond to his words.
"Look, I know we're on the rocks and you're pissed because I arrested Johnny. But you can't hate me for doing my job," Toby begins.
"I hate what it's doing to us but when the station called me in for reported theft, I couldn't just let him off because he's your friend. That would be breaking the law, putting my job on the line. I was already pushing it by not arresting you but you are literally the only exception when it comes to things like this, I knew that going in."
Spencer nods and for a moment it looks like she's going to talk, but the impulse comes and goes like fireflies in the dusk.
"Please say something, Spencer. This is stupid," he urges.
"Look, I know," Spencer finally says, blinking too much as she often does in nervous situations. She still doesn't look him in the eye.
"I shouldn't have expected you to just let him off the hook. I just, I don't know what's gotten into me. You're the most honorable person I've ever known and here I've been, expecting you to just break the law repeatedly without even a second thought."
Toby stares at her, although she's not looking back, and listens to her side of the argument. They've yet to really talk this through. "So are you still mad?"
"No, not at you," she assures him, finally turning to look in his eyes. "I'm more mad at me. I was being irrational and just… such an idiot. You're right, you could have arrested me too and things would be a lot worse, but instead you let me walk away. I didn't thank you before but I'm thanking you now. I'm really sorry. Are you still mad at me?"
"I was never mad at you," Toby replies with a smile so soft that it practically melts through her. This feeling with him is an absolute contrast to the pain and angst they've been experiencing recently.
Spencer raises a brow. "I know that's not true. Be honest with me, please."
"Okay," he sighs. "I admit it's been frustrating lately, me being on the police force and us having to keep things from each other again. I hate it, so much. It's tearing us apart and I can feel it happening with each day that goes by." He takes another breath.
"Yeah, I was upset with you when you went behind my back with Caleb and that knife, but looking back I realize you only didn't tell me because you didn't want to put my job in jeopardy. And I respect that; I'm grateful for that. But then that turned into another thing, and that spiraled into another, and partially I've been upset with you but mostly I've just been pissed at myself. There are things that I can't tell you and things you can't tell me, but none of this would've been an issue if I hadn't become a policeman in the first place."
Spencer looks at him in confusion. "What are you saying then, do you not want to be a cop anymore?"
"I don't know. All I know is that the whole reason I joined the force in the first place was protecting you and ending this whole "A" mess, and I am making little to no strides. I'm making things worse... I always do this," Toby adds the last part with a scoff and a shake of his head.
"I admire you for doing this," Spencer tells him softly, so softly if he wasn't paying so close attention to her face he might not have heard her. "I love how you just one day up and joined a police academy. It was spontaneous and brave, and nobody has ever cared so much about me to just do that. Toby, you became a cop for reason. Unless you really think it's best, I don't think you should give that up because it's making us fight."
The look on her face indicates that was not the easiest thing to say.
He inches closer to her face, to her lips. "That last sentence was bullshit, Spence, admit it. You don't want me to be a cop anymore either."
"Okay, fine, but the rest of what I said was true. I really do admire you for doing this," she says while looking at his lips, which are now in extremely close proximity to hers.
"The uniform is a turn on though, right?" He's wearing it now, and Spencer scans her eyes from the badge on his chest, to his belt.
She flushes and with a nod, replies, "Yeah, you were right about that." Toby chuckles.
Just when his breath is hot on her face, about to press his lips upon hers, Spencer stops. Reality sets in and she remembers why this isn't right. She still hasn't told him the truth about Johnny.
"What's wrong?" Toby questions innocently.
God, how was she about to do this to him? She has no idea how he's going to react. She has no idea what it even was that happened. Was it cheating if she didn't initiate it, or kiss back? When she tells him, will it be the end of their relationship forever? They've survived what seems like everything, and they literally just got back to a good place. Her mind is spinning. How can she do this to him?
She inches away from him further. "Toby, there's something I need to tell you. But when I do, I have no idea what you're going to think and that terrifies me so I just...need you to hear me out."
He nods, confused. "Okay… What's going on?"
This might be the last time she'll ever have the chance to do this, so she inhales deeply and opens her mouth to speak. "I'll tell you in a second, I swear. I just need you to tell me you know that I love you. Because I do, so much. That's always been true."
His scared expression doesn't alter but he nods his head and assures her softly,
"I know you love me."
She nods back and once again, has trouble looking him in the eye. Spencer sucks in a sharp breath, before immediately getting to the point.
"Johnny kissed me last night."
His body, which was previously faced toward her, switches away so that it instead faces the wheel. Spencer can see the battle going on inside his head and it's taking everything he has not to run away. He only blinks.
"I didn't kiss back, but it happened so suddenly I was in shock and I didn't push him away either. I wanted to tell you sooner but we weren't exactly talking and I've just been terrified of how you're going to react and I'm just… I'm so sorry, Toby. Really, I've has this pit of guilt in my stomach since it happened and I'm so, so sorry."
"Did you want it to happen, regardless if you initiated it or not?" is the first thing to come out of his mouth since the confession. His eyes are no longer warm and his lips no longer inviting.
She shakes her head assuredly. "No, not at all."
"Not at all?" Toby asks, almost like he's leading an interrogation. "Did you feel anything with him?"
She chooses her words carefully. "There was a little bit of a spark, okay, but I've had time to process what happened and I've come to the conclusion why. I think I was just missing that kind of attention. Every time me and you saw each other, it seemed, we were edgy. We hadn't kissed in what, weeks? I didn't feel a spark because he kissed me, I felt it because somebody did. I don't even think of him like that, really. I thought we were just friends but I guess I gave him the wrong vibe."
"Spencer…" Toby starts. "I don't know what to say right now."
"Then don't say anything. I can just go home and give you space to think," she says.
He nods, almost gratefully. "I'll drive you."
"You know what, I think I'll just walk home. It's not that far from here." They're outside the Rosewood Police Department, on Toby's lunch break; he should be getting back to work soon anyway. Spencer grasps her fingers around the door handle and prepares to walk away, but his voice stops her and his words catch her off guard.
"No, really, I would feel better if I just drove you. You walking alone in this town gives me anxiety."
"But your job -"
"- is not at important as you. I've been losing sight of that, and plus it's not like it's going to be my job for much longer."
Spencer makes out a smile. "Thank you."
He doesn't smile back, but rather just starts the car and they drive to their destination in silence.
"Thanks again for driving me home," Spencer says to Toby, breaking the near heartbreaking sound of silence. Ironic that this truck is supposed to be the symbol of their love yet it's the place they have the most of their fights.
He nods and mutters a slightly inaudible "anytime". Spencer nods back and for a while there, it's incredibly awkward. It's also painful. It's never like this between them.
"Look, Toby, I really am sorry... The last thing I ever would want is for you to get hurt when I've already put you through so much."
When she hears nothing in response, once again her hand attempts to open the door and leave him alone with his thoughts. She manages out of the truck after whispering a swift "goodbye Toby," but as she walks toward her house she is stopped, like last time, by the sound of Toby's voice. He's yelling from the driver's seat. "Wait!"
He switches the keys out of the ignition and into his pocket, opens and shuts the door, and sprints toward Spencer until he's with her, face to face. "I know you're sorry. I know you never wanted to hurt me," he breathes.
Her head turns to look at him and she notices a hint of red in his pupils, indicating he's been holding back tears. She just wants more than anything to comfort him but in this instance, she isn't quite sure if that's appropriate to do so.
"You didn't cheat on me, Spencer," he says suddenly, the tears still threatening to fall like rain. "He was out of line to kiss you, but you didn't reciprocate anything back so you didn't cheat. You don't have anything to feel guilty about."
She stares at him with curious eyes, wondering what else is going through his mind.
"You're right, I've been distant with you. We haven't kissed in so long and I miss spending time with you. I miss you in general..." A tear finally falls from his eye. "I've been such a jerk, Spencer, I know I have. All I've ever wanted was to protect you and in this case, keeping you out of the loop with police stuff has been the only way I could. There is some seriously deranged stuff going on, things I can't tell you as a cop because that's what Tanner wants. That's what they all want, for me to fill you in and get you in trouble. But I should have handled things better," he says, shaking his head. "I failed you."
"Toby," Spencer comforts him, finally gathering up the strength to come and brush away his falling tears with her thumbs. "Stop, that's all in the past. You didn't fail me."
"No," he counters. "I did. That night, when you called me wanting to talk and I just... hung up on you when you were obviously upset... That makes it to the list of top seven worst things I've ever done. You needed me, you've been needing me, and I've just been absent. I haven't been there for you and I should have. I'm sorry."
So she just told him another guy kissed her the other night, and he is the one apologizing. Spencer stares at him in awe, not quite believing this is the way telling him turned out. It's not what she was expecting at all. "I love you," she whispers, her hands still cupping his face.
This causes more tears to cascade down Toby's cheeks. "I love you more," he breathes back. It always was a competition with them. Maybe things would get back to normal.
And suddenly, Johnny and the police department and the rest of the world be damned, Spencer and Toby are kissing. It's a soft kind of kiss, intimate and emotional and tears are now on both their faces. But then something shifts, and the soft nature of the gesture turns passionate. Fingers are knotted in the other's hair, almost like a cord, and they're gripping each other as if their lives are dependent on it. It hasn't been like this with them in a while, but they have to admit this feels good. This feels right.
"Do you want to take this inside?" Spencer suggests huskily when they break away for air.
Nodding and smiling softly, Toby picks her up - wedding style - and they make their way to the door. He pecks a kiss upon her head.
"I can't believe I'm quitting being a cop," Toby mutters with a chuckle. "I mean I've been one for so long..."
Spencer smirks. "Hey, maybe now you can get back into carpentry. You've always been so good with your hands, " she whispers almost seductively in his ear, slightly flushed.
They're inside the house now, on their way up the stairs. With a smile and a glisten in his eyes, Toby presses his lips over hers, and he finds that his tears have finally stopped. They make it to Spencer's room, clothes are flying off, and any distance they had when they were fighting, has since disappeared.
Maybe they would always have something new to fight about, or keep from each other. Maybe they're always going to be two idiots who want nothing more than to keep the other safe and somehow manage to have things get out of hand because of it. But despite it all, despite everything they've endured, they know they will always make it out on the other side.
Some things are just worth fighting for, and their love is definitely on that list.