Summary: Patsy and Delia need to comfort each other as they try to find a way to cope with their impending separation.
Disclaimer: Call The Midwife belongs to the BBC and others - I am simply borrowing their beautiful characters.
Author's note: This is another fic borne from episode 6.2. poplar-istic gave me a prompt and this is what I came up with.
Once again, not beta'd, but - hey...
Patsy sniffled as she snuggled into Delia's strong arms again, at last feeling her heart rate slow slightly. Her breathing was still a little hitched, affected by the sobs that felt like they had been ripped from her chest. "Sorry," she managed between gasps of air.
Delia gently kissed the top of Patsy's head once again and continued to cradle her. She shook her head as she smiled sadly. "There's really nothing to apologise for, Patsy," she demurred. "You're being so brave. And you're doing the right thing. I'm so very proud of you."
"Why does it feel like I'm not?" Patsy asked, knowing she was repeating herself. "And I'm being so unfair on you."
"Pats, I won't lie to you. It will be hard with you gone. But we'll cope. We'll find a way. And you're not being unfair. It's simply a very hard choice."
"You know it's not about choosing him over you, don't you?" Patsy asked hesitantly, her voice fragile with uncertainty.
"That, I definitely know," Delia confirmed, kissing Patsy's head once again. "Patsy, this isn't about picking one thing to the exclusion of everything else. I'll still be here, waiting for you."
"But you have no idea how long. It's hardly fair, stringing you along like that." Patsy's sadness predictably turned to anger at the situation she found herself in.
Delia shuffled slightly and motioned for Patsy to move until they found themselves lying facing each other, arms loosely draped over one another. "Patsy, we will cope. I promise."
Patsy sighed. "I know, 'we'll write, we'll wait, we'll love'. But how do you know we can cope? How do you know that's enough?"
Delia smiled softly before kissing the tip of Patsy's nose. "Because we've done it before. Well, you certainly did it before. You waited for me. You wrote to me. You continued to love me, even though you didn't hear from me for months. You never gave up hope. And when we met up again, you told me that you weren't going anywhere, remember?"
Patsy gave a lop-sided smile. "How could I forget? And yet, I here I am, going somewhere and leaving," she pointed out.
Delia shrugged. "So it's my turn to wait, and to tell you that I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here, studying for my midwifery exams and having Phyllis monitoring my every step. If I'm totally honest, she's even more of a stickler for revision and detail than you are, so I'll be in good hands."
The pair shared a more relaxed grin before Patsy pulled Delia close and kissed her again. "You will write, won't you? I'll crave any news at all."
"Yes, darling. I will. I've already stocked up on my stationery. I'll probably send you at least one letter during your voyage. It may even arrive before you do." Delia raised her eyebrows.
Patsy nodded. "That would be lovely. A link back here."
"Pats, it won't be forever. I promise you, I'm not going anywhere. Goodness me, if an accident and amnesia can't keep us apart, a few thousand miles for a short period certainly won't," Delia declared determinedly.
"It will be difficult to ring. Hong Kong is 8 hours ahead," Patsy fretted again.
Delia smiled. "We'll find a way. I know we will."
Patsy looked at the brunette and exhaled heavily. "How can you be so strong? How is this not ripping you apart as well?" She wondered almost rhetorically.
Delia pulled a face. "Right now, the most important thing for me is to make sure you're alright. Me falling apart won't help either of us. So I'm doing all the things I can to make sure that I don't." She smiled tightly and raised her eyebrows slightly. "And if that means me concentrating on silly little tasks like going to the Post Office to get airmail envelopes and paper, and buying some new pens so that I can at least write legibly to you, then that's what I'll do."
Patsy pulled Delia closer again and buried her face into the younger nurse's neck. "It's quite the quandary really," she commented eventually. "I know that this is hurting so much because I love you so much, and yet I also know that if I didn't know you... if I didn't love you as I do, I probably wouldn't even consider going." She sighed again. "You showed me what it was to love again. And just how much of me was missing without that. So rather paradoxically, I'm going because of you."
Delia traced random lines across Patsy's back, once again silently underlining her support for Patsy. "If you know what it is to love, and you love me, and know that I love you, then take that as reassurance and confirmation that I will be here, waiting for you and loving you." She felt the red-haired nurse nod into the crook of her neck and she simply waited for Patsy to relax once again.
After long moments of simply holding each other, Delia gently pulled away. "I need to get back to my room. No need to give Sister Ursula any ammunition in your last couple of days here," she muttered bitterly.
Patsy nodded, once again grateful that Delia was taking control and being the logical one. Right now, if it were up to her, Patsy knew that she would be taking all sorts of risks to affirm and confirm her love for Delia, but they both needed to keep their heads and remain cautious. "I don't know what I'd do without you," she whispered as Delia sat up.
Delia looked down and placed one final kiss on her lover's forehead. "Then it's a good job you don't have to. I'm with you Pats. Always." She grasped Patsy's hand and squeezed it reassuringly before turning. She opened the door a fraction and confirmed that the way was clear before opening the door further.
Delia turned as she left the room, the creaking of bedsprings indicating that Patsy had got up too.
Patsy stood at the doorway and held Delia's hand once again before she nodded, and Delia turned back towards her own room. They both held onto each other's hand until the last possible moment. Patsy looked down slightly before closing the door and resting her head against it, once again railing against the utter unfairness of the entire situation.
Delia closed the door of her bedroom quietly and sank onto the chair at her desk. Her heart lurched and she closed her eyes, feeling twin tears tumble down her cheeks as she fractionally relaxed the intense grip she had placed on her emotions. The young Welsh nurse had not lied when she told Patsy that she believed her falling apart would not help. It was one of the tenets that allowed her to keep her feelings so firmly in check. Patsy needed her. She needed her strength, and courage now more than ever. Delia was determined not to add to Patsy's sadness and emotional turmoil, so if that meant clamping down on her own thoughts regarding the situation, then so be it.
Keeping everything so tightly in check was taking a massive toll though. She wasn't sure how long she could continue being so stoic. Sister Ursula's strict regime was actually a convenient excuse, Delia decided, as the tears continued to fall. Her breath caught as she sobbed quietly and did her best to control her breathing and her feelings. It would do no good at all if someone, especially Patsy, heard her crying.
Delia didn't know what she was going to do. She felt completely lost and isolated. She might be surrounded by familiar people at Nonnatus House, but she couldn't share her fears or her heartache with anyone else. No one else knew. And even if they did, they could hardly talk about it without breaking the secrecy, and then where would she be? Delia sniffed and sighed shakily. No, she would have to endure this separation alone. She would have to keep the mantra going that it would not be forever. That small immutable fact would keep her going.
She wiped her eyes before swiping a tissue from the box on her desk and blowing her nose in an attempt to interrupt the crying process, but her body was having none of it, and the tears and sobs continued. Delia tried to talk herself back to some pretence of calm as she threw the used tissue into the wastepaper basket. It was no good being self-indulgent and wallowing in her own misery. It wouldn't change anything.
As Delia reached for a fresh tissue she was startled by the door opening and her eyes widened in surprise as Patsy slipped in and leaned on the door.
"Sorry, Deels but I'm quite determined to spend every second with you, Sister Ursula can...". Patsy's hurried words trailed off as she took in Delia's stricken look. She opened her mouth to automatically ask what was wrong, but realised that she already knew the answer to the question. Instead she simply closed the distance between them, and pulled Delia up from the chair before wrapping her arms around her.
Delia could do nothing but hold on tightly as her sobs took control again . She could feel herself shaking as she clung to Patsy, even as she was mentally berating herself for adding to Patsy's burdens. She felt the taller woman push her slightly and she allowed herself to be guided to the bed where they both sat down. Delia sighed as she felt Patsy adjust her hold on her slightly and she continued to cling onto Patsy, absorbing long overdue comfort from her lover.
Patsy scolded herself, even as she hugged Delia. Of course she was keeping it all hidden from her. It was such a typically Delia thing to do. She had done it before. But Patsy had been so caught up in her own misery and emotional paralysis, she had not investigated Delia's own feelings about this too deeply. Instead, she had chosen to take her at face value, even though it was logically obvious that the whole thing would be just as devastating for Delia. Gently, Patsy rubbed Delia's back and simply sat and waited for the maelstrom to settle.
Eventually, the red-haired nurse heard a sniff followed by some mumbled words, but Delia's face was buried too deeply into Patsy's neck for them to be comprehensible. She twisted slightly, and kissed the top of Delia's head, smiling sadly to herself as she did. Patsy found the gesture highly comforting when she was on the receiving end. She just hoped her reciprocation was equally consoling. "What was that, darling?" She asked quietly.
Delia relaxed her vice-like grip on her love and sat back slightly. "I said thank you. It was just what I needed," she admitted, a tiny smile on her face.
Patsy looked at Delia's blotchy, tear-stained face and red-rimmed eyes and decided that even now, Delia was the most gloriously attractive woman she had ever seen. The astonishing fact that Delia somehow also deigned to love her, continued to surprise her on a daily basis. She leaned down to kiss Delia but raised her eyebrows when she felt a hand placed on her collarbone, stopping contact.
"You can't possibly want to kiss me like this. I'm covered in all sorts of...ugh," Delia shuddered, horrified at the thought of what she might look like.
For a moment Patsy simply wanted to ignore Delia and press further, but instead she sat up. "Wait just a second," she requested as she rose from the bed. She came back quickly with the box of tissues and handed several over to Delia, waiting patiently while she blew her nose, before grabbing them and discarding them into the bin. Then, with another tissue, Patsy carefully dabbed at Delia's cheeks and under her eyes very gently. "I'd much rather run to the bathroom and get you a flannel, but I don't want to leave you right now, Deels."
"You don't have to look after me," Delia grumbled, but there was no bite in the comment and she sat and freely allowed Patsy to tend to her.
Patsy picked a fresh tissue and began again, this time bringing her face closer to inspect her work. She caught Delia's gaze and stared back at her for a few seconds before winking slightly. "I think I've got it all now," she whispered, catching the throb of Delia's pulse at the base of her neck strengthen as she spoke.
Delia felt her breath hitch again, but for a totally more welcome emotion as she noticed Patsy's eyes darken.
Patsy closed the distance a second time, this time confident that she wouldn't be stopped and sighed as she felt Delia's lips welcome her own. As soon as they connected, Patsy grasped Delia's cheek with one hand and held the back of Delia's head with the other. The kiss deepened as they reduced any space that had been between them to nothing.
Suddenly, the kiss became more urgent for both of them - almost desperate. Delia needed Patsy. She needed to show her just how much she needed her.
Patsy needed Delia. She needed to demonstrate that she worshipped Delia and that Delia was everything to her.
Desperate to feel skin, pyjamas were pulled at and wrestled with before being discarded almost angrily. Patsy rolled on top of Delia, their kisses bruising with their fervour.
The silence of the room was punctuated by sharp breaths and sudden body shifts as they melded into each other, seeking out what they desired, what they needed the most. It was hurried and intense, their passion driving them to the edge rapidly and hungrily. Nothing else mattered. No one else mattered.
Patsy gasped and arched first, her chest heaving even as she held onto a semblance of control, trying to focus on Delia's needs too. Patsy's release signalled Delia's and Patsy soared again as she felt Delia arch into her.
Panting, Delia pulled Patsy on top of her and she wrapped her arms round her lover, gripping her tightly as she felt them both tremble with exertion and emotion. "I love you," she whispered eventually, feeling tears prickling her eyes again. She wiped at them hurriedly, wondering when it was that she had turned into an emotional wreck.
Patsy lifted her head slightly so that they faced each other, almost nose-to-nose. "I love you too. I wish I could tell you how much."
Delia grimaced slightly, looking embarrassed. "Sorry about earlier. The last thing you need is me falling apart."
Patsy shook her head before realising she was getting chilly. "Come on, let's get under the covers," she suggested. With some wriggling and shifting, they managed to lay between the sheets, once again holding each other closely as they waited for the blankets to warm.
Once settled, Patsy gently pushed back a stray strand of Delia's hair and leaned in to kiss her forehead softly. "It should be me apologising to you," she murmured softly. "You've been so strong for me, never putting any pressure on me. Never once asking me not to go and just giving me time and space." She chuckled slightly. "And prodding me enough to actually deal with it, rather than just hope it would all go away."
Patsy sighed. "But while I have been dealing with finally making a decision about my father, what I didn't do was give you some support and reassurance. I've been terribly selfish in all this."
Delia shook her head instantly. "No you haven't Pats. You've been talking how this would affect us both. You certainly haven't been selfish," she demurred.
Patsy gave a lop-sided smile, feeling her heart swell again. How she loved this woman. "So I'm going to apologise in advance, because I know I'm about to say something that sounds awful. I seem to have quite the knack for that. But please listen to it all," she requested.
Delia frowned but nodded.
"I can't think of an easier way to say this." Patsy found herself pausing, wondering if she was about to commit some sort of terrible mistake. "When I found you crying and upset, I was actually quite glad."
Delia bit down on a surprised laugh, only just remembering that they needed to keep the volume right down. "You were right to provide a warning, I'll say that," she said.
Patsy shook her head and grinned. "Yes. The reason I felt like that however was because it gave me the chance to comfort you. To be your support. To be there for you in the way you have been there for me on so many countless occasions." She pecked Delia's forehead again. "It meant that I could focus on you, and somehow show you that I love you unconditionally - the way you've done with me time and time again."
Delia pulled Patsy close to her and hugged her tightly. "Oh, Pats. What am I going to do without you?"
Patsy held on equally tightly. She could feel Delia's heart hammering in her chest. Hers was beating an equally rapid tattoo. "You'll carry on, Deels. You'll concentrate on your midwifery. You'll have cocktails with Phyllis and Barb, and you'll take each day as it comes, knowing that I have promised to come back to you."
Delia nodded into Patsy's shoulder again. "I know. I do know that." She shuddered and took a deep breath as she tried to calm down again. "You will write, won't you? Please don't isolate yourself as some sort of bizarre defence mechanism."
"Of course I'll write. I'll need to. It will keep me sane during all of this. I can't promise my letters will be full of light and air, but I will write regularly."
Delia nodded. "As will I." She grinned suddenly, feeling like a weight had been lifted from her. "I'll get Sister Monica Joan to write too. That should be a good test for you."
"I think I'd rather attempt the Times crossword," Patsy replied, grinning back as she spoke. Any contact from Nonnatus would be welcome, no matter how obtuse.
Delia snuggled into Patsy. "I hadn't thought about things from your perspective," she admitted softly.
The red-haired midwife frowned. "I'm not sure you've done anything but think of things from my perspective," she refuted.
"Not when it came to giving some support back." She paused for a second. "It means so much that I can be there for you, knowing that I'm the one you come to when you need to vent or cry, tell me what's gone well, and what hasn't." She smiled at a sudden memory. "I love all those girls," she repeated, her smile widening as Patsy returned it.
"It didn't occur to me that you need that too. I've been so busy trying not to add to your troubles that I haven't realised that you needed to be my anchor, if only to share our sadness, pain and fear."
"I was starting to feel that I was being rather unfair on you, and unable to help," Patsy admitted.
Delia nodded. "So, in the short time we have left, we talk to each other. We share our fears and we define our hopes and our future. And we continue to do that through our letters. Can you do that?"
Patsy shrugged. "Can you?" She whispered back.
Delia smiled, dimples slashing her cheeks, and she nodded. "Yes. Yes I can."
"So can I," Patsy affirmed. She reached for the blankets and pulled them up so that they could snuggle in further. "Come on, we both need sleep. I'll need to be up early to avoid prying eyes."
Delia raised an eyebrow. "Did you want me to get your pyjamas?" She offered, wondering where they had ended up.
"No," Patsy objected petulantly. "I don't want any barrier between us." She sighed as she saw Delia narrow her eyes at her. "Yes, I know - being caught together is bad enough, but there is no acceptably plausible reason at all that could explain us being caught together in the nude."
She sat up. "And as that is my rule, that I have relentlessly used on you, I feel it is only right that I collect our nightclothes."
"You'll get no argument from me," Delia concurred, tugging the covers over her while Patsy bustled around the room. Things were far from alright. The situation was heartbreaking. But they would cope. They would take strength from each other.
~Finis~