Disclaimer - Not mine, of course!
A/N: A somewhat experimental piece for me, I think. I loved writing it. Angst again, surprise, surprise!
It's been six years since we spoke. Six years. I'm twenty one but I feel three times that. I have a wonderful husband, who loves me more than I can even comprehend. I have a son who has become the very reason for my existence. I have friends who I know would happily kill for me. Is it selfish of me to be unhappy?
No. Not unhappy. I'm not unhappy. Of course not. But I ache. Inside, somewhere deep inside, I ache. I didn't know what it was at first. It started when I was sixteen. I was on my own, early in the morning watching the rain. My breathing was short, sharp and uneven. I felt like something was pulling at my side, like something was suddenly missing. I went to the hospital wing. It was illogical that I would feel physical pain for no reason. Madam Pomfrey said nothing was wrong with me. I tried to analyse why I was aching.
It took me weeks to realise it was not something that was missing but someone. It was Severus.
I'd never understood him, not one bit. But we were like two halves, I lightened his dark nature, he brought me back to earth when it all got too much. I didn't realise it until he wasn't in my life anymore. I needed him, I really really needed him. And without him, I hurt.
James helped. He wanted me. He made me laugh and stopped me hurting so much. It was only dull, now, the ache, almost completely gone unless I was on my own, or thinking about him. I didn't think about him, if I could help it. I didn't want to make it hurt again.
I love James, I do. I really do. He's kind and sweet and funny. Him, Sirius, Remus and Peter are my family, the closest I have now. When I look at him, I see myself. We really are more alike than I could ever have realised. We sit together, do things together, and we have Harry. Yes, I see myself in him.
But its not enough, being alike. Not enough to make me fall in love with him. We aren't meant to be with people who are the same as us. We are meant to be with people who are different from us. People who balance us out, like Severus did for me. Like some wonderful woman should be doing for James.
You-know-who's after us, we're in hiding. I don't think we have long left. Weeks, maybe. Months, if we're lucky. I can't bear it. I'm not ready to die. I have a husband, and a son. Our son needs us. He's just a baby, a baby needs their parents, to help them to grow up and survive. To live. And my husband wants me here, too. So I stay.
But I'm not home. I feel like I'm just around a friends house, only permanently. Its okay, its comfortable. But I know where my home is. Well, that's not exactly true. I know who my home is.
I wonder if Severus knows its okay to come home. I'm always waiting.