The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has been set on fire by a burn notice. Wait that's not how it works does it? Well I was just bored and this came out of my tiny little mind.
Burn Archer
"I didn't think I could do any less work than I did when I was an HR manager back at our old spy agency," Pam sighed as she drank a beer at the break table. "Especially last year. Who knew?"
Ray and Lana were there as well. Lana was finishing up a salad. And Ray had finished a bento box. "So, what did you do all morning?" Ray asked.
"Eh I came into work, checked my e-mail," Pam told him. "Played some online games. Gossiped with Cheryl about celebrities. Played some more online games. Had a quick snack. Then a drink. Thought about writing an office newsletter. Had another drink and snack. Watched some Me Tube videos. Had another drink and snack. Took a dump for about thirty minutes. Had another drink. Took another dump. Watched some more online videos. And that pretty much brought me up to lunch."
"You had a productive morning," Ray remarked.
"Yeah," Pam nodded. "Two huge dumps in one morning without Ms. Archer complaining about it. That's a lot. What did you guys do?"
"I did a crossword puzzle," Ray said. "Read the newspaper. Finished my free online writing course and printed out a little certificate saying I passed the class for my files."
"Nice," Pam nodded. "I mean those certificates may not be worth much but they're nice to have. Especially if you want to prove something to some jerkwad. What else?"
"Read the online gossip columns," Ray said. "Answered a few e-mails from some old friends of mine. Watched a couple of cat videos online. Then I took a free French lesson on Me Tube. I can now basically order any kind of drink I want in French. And ask for the bill."
"Another productive day," Pam nodded. "Lana?"
"Well," Lana sighed. "I basically paid a few bills with money I barely have. Set up another doctor's appointment for AJ which I can barely afford. Read a parenting magazine. I did a few online surveys because I have this cash back rewards program."
"Oh, I've heard about those," Ray said. "How did does it work?"
"Great if you're in market research," Lana grumbled. "I answered three surveys and only got seventy-five cents total."
"Yikes," Ray winced.
"Boy, you have a lousy rewards program," Pam snorted.
"I even broke down and started looking online for other jobs," Lana admitted.
"Let me guess," Ray said. "Not much out there with your particular set of skills is there?"
"Well technically yes," Lana sighed. "If I ever decided to become a truck driver."
"I hear ya Lana," Pam sighed. "I go on all those sites and ninety percent of the jobs on there are either for truck driving, maintenance, nursing, pharmacy work or computer programming. And what little else is usually electricians, technicians, or plumbers. With the odd sales clerk job thrown in."
"Ever feel like you're perfectly educated for the Victorian Era?" Ray groaned. "Speaking of which where's Ms. Archer?"
"She's been in her office all morning," Pam said. "Drinking, complaining to herself and trying to pretend this agency isn't as big a failure as her last one."
"No wonder you were able to have so many uninterrupted bathroom breaks," Ray blinked. "Now that I think about it I haven't seen Archer all day."
"He went for an early lunch at 10:45," Lana sighed.
"What time did he get to work?" Pam asked.
"Ten thirty," Lana grumbled.
"That's pretty much par for the course as far as Archer's concerned," Ray said. "Speaking of the devil…"
"The strangest thing happened to me today," Archer walked into the break room. He looked a little disheveled.
"Archer we keep telling you," Ray said. "Just stay out of Krieger's lab. No amount of curiosity is worth satisfying what goes on down there."
"No, not that," Archer waved as he went to the refrigerator. "Do you remember Agent Hunter from our old agency?"
"Jack Hunter?" Ray asked. "He went through basic training with us and within six months after graduating he got headhunted by this super-secret spy squad that nobody knows the name of but it's connected to the Secret Service or something."
"What's connected to the Secret Service?" Mallory asked as she walked in.
"Jack Hunter," Archer said as he pulled out a bottle of scotch. "I saw him today."
"That little turncoat who jumped ship as soon as he got a better offer?" Mallory snapped. "After that fruit Troy turned traitor, Hunter had the most potential of any agent I ever had!"
"Besides me of course," Archer said as he poured himself a drink.
"Right," Mallory said dryly. "Where did you see him?"
"At Pita Margarita's on my lunch break," Archer said as he sat down at the table. "I was sitting at the bar."
"Big surprise," Ray said dryly.
"Shut up," Archer said to him. He turned back to his mother. "Anyway, who do I see sitting at the other end of the bar but Jack Hunter? I called out to him but then he walked away."
"That's it?" Mallory asked.
"No. I thought he didn't hear me," Archer explained. "So I followed him. I called out to him on the street but he just kept going. In fact, it seemed like he was practically running as if he was trying to get away from me."
"Uh oh…" Ray winced. "This won't end well."
"So I followed Hunter to this hotel," Archer said. "I find him in this hotel lobby talking to some guys. So I went up to him and said, 'Jack! Jack Hunter! Remember me? Sterling Archer! We used to be in ISIS together.' Then I had to explain to the two other guys that it wasn't the terrorist agency ISIS but the spy agency. Then I asked Jack what he was doing here and was he still with that other secret agency connected to the government."
"And then what happened?" Mallory asked, having a bad feeling about what was going to come next.
"Then the two guys pulled out some guns," Archer said. "Next thing I knew we were hiding behind the bar in a shootout. Apparently, it was a bust of some kind and I kind of blew Jack's cover."
"YOU DID WHAT?" Mallory shouted.
"You were right," Lana said to Ray.
"Sterling you have the discretion of a drunken bull in a china shop!" Mallory snarled. "Holding a bullhorn and driving a bulldozer! What happened?"
"Jack wasn't exactly thrilled I broke his cover," Archer admitted.
"DUH!" Lana rolled her eyes.
"Even after I apologized and cleaned up his mess," Archer said. "By launching homemade Molotov cocktails at the guys shooting at us and blowing them up. Along with half the lobby."
"Interesting definition of cleaning up a mess," Ray remarked.
"And I'm guessing that didn't make Hunter happy either did it?" Lana asked bitterly.
"No, it did not," Archer shrugged as he took a drink. "Geeze some guys can't handle an apology."
"What happened after that?" Lana asked.
"He yelled. I yelled," Archer told them. "He tried to punch me. I knocked him out with one punch."
"Oh great!" Mallory threw up her hands.
"The next thing I know some other guys tackled me and put me in handcuffs," Archer went on.
"Sounds like you had an interesting lunch break," Ray quipped.
"Get this," Archer went on after another drink. "Turns out Hunter isn't an agent anymore. He's the director of his own department. Counter terrorism or counterfeiting or something. Those guys that handcuffed me were his agents! They work for him!"
"Wow," Ray blinked. "Hunter's really moved up in the world."
"Yeah that douchebag probably kissed a lot of asses or something," Archer shrugged as he took another drink.
"Or worked hard at his job without screwing around," Lana said icily. "Or something."
"Hunter wakes up, tells his people to let me go," Archer waved. "Then gives me a lecture about discretion and irresponsibility and it wasn't worth throwing me in jail yada, yada, yada. I told him to blow it out his ass."
"That explains why my phone is suddenly getting a lot of messages," Mallory winced as she looked at her phone. "Five…Six…Eight messages so far. Now it's nine. I think I'll listen to them later. Much later."
"Oh by the way," Archer said. "You probably are going to get a bill for the damages at the Mayfair Hotel. Just a head's up."
"The Mayfair?" Lana barked.
"Archer even for you…" Ray groaned.
"Unfreaking believable," Pam groaned. "Detective Dicknuts strikes again!"
"Sterling what part of being blackballed from espionage do you not understand?" Mallory shouted.
"Core concept?" Archer blinked. "I mean I get that we're not doing that anymore. But…"
"No but's you ass!" Mallory shouted. "Sterling we are banned! Disgraced! Cast out!"
"Yeah, we're not spies," Archer said. "I get that."
"Meaning we are out of the loop when it comes to the espionage community!" Mallory snapped. "In fact, we are not even near the loop anymore. We are so far away from the loop that there is another loop between us and the loop!"
"So?" Archer asked.
"God it's like explaining Einstein's Theory of Relativity to a drunken goldfish," Mallory grumbled. "In German!"
"Wait is the goldfish German or…?" Archer asked. Mallory responded with a groan. "It's a valid question Mother! Because if it doesn't understand German of course it won't understand what you're saying. Or if it is German and you're speaking English…"
"It's not just me, is it?" Mallory pleaded to the others. "You lot get it, right?"
"Yeah, we get it," Lana snorted. "That Archer is gonna get it!"
"Maybe you should use hand puppets to explain to him?" Pam suggested.
"Let me try," Ray sighed. "Archer remember all those things we used to get called intelligence reports?"
"So we don't have any extra reading to do?" Archer scoffed. "Big whoop."
"Do you remember what was in some of those reports besides vital information about missions?" Ray asked. "Things like locations of safe houses. Safe houses which you used for your own personal use?"
"Uh…" Archer thought for a moment.
FLASHBACK!
"Now this is a safe house!" Archer whooped. He was shirtless on a couch with several prostitutes scantily clad dancing around. Some were holding huge bottles of champagne. Woodhouse was drinking in the background with another prostitute. And a lemur was smoking a joint on a chair.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Vaguely," Archer replied.
"You can't use them anymore," Ray told him.
"Oh okay…" Archer blinked. "Well that's…"
"And," Ray added. "There was other information. Like female enemy agents you wanted to seduce?"
"Oh yeah," Archer grinned. "I loved reading those reports."
"You can't read them anymore," Ray said.
"What?" Archer barked.
"That got through to him," Lana grumbled.
"Also other things you can't do," Ray added. "You know those bars that other secret agents went to? The super-secret ones? You can't go there anymore."
"Seriously?" Archer shouted.
"Again, that got through," Lana sighed.
"Well you have to play to your audience," Ray explained.
"The bottom line is Sterling," Mallory sighed. "We are on our own. Without the protection of various agencies we used to work with before."
"And in some cases, compete with before," Lana asked. "And they are not going to be happy if we crash on their turf."
"As soon as we got blacklisted we all got cut off faster than a mistress caught fooling around with another man," Pam added. "Even other HR managers I used to be buddies with from other agencies cut me dead. Wouldn't even return my calls or nothing."
"Wait so they won't even talk to us?" Archer asked. "Like on the street or anything? That seems kind of harsh."
"Harsh?" Lana barked. "Archer, we're lucky that the CIA didn't put a burn notice on all of us!"
"That's because the CIA thinks we're more likely to get ourselves killed than to waste the extra expense to bump us off," Pam explained.
Mallory shrugged. "Yeah that's pretty much what my former contacts said before they hung up on me."
Lana added. "And remember all those things you got away with when you were an agent? Things like helping smuggle Mexicans across the border? Killing people?"
"Smuggling cocaine and liquor across the border," Pam added.
"Crossing the border without a passport," Mallory added.
"Stealing a plane from Area 51," Ray added.
"Assaulting a member of a royal family," Mallory said.
"Have sex with a member of a royal family," Ray added.
"Piracy with actual boats," Pam added.
"Blowing up boats," Lana added. "Blowing up oil pipelines…"
"Okay! We don't have to go down the entire list!" Archer barked. "What about it?"
"You can actually be arrested for those things now," Mallory told him. "And worse, I can't bail you out of it!"
"Like when we were arrested for starting a brawl in the god damn Swindon Hotel?" Ray added.
"So you're saying our so-called colleagues don't want anything to do with us anymore because we're blacklisted?" Archer asked.
"To be fair Sterling," Mallory sighed. "A lot of them didn't want anything to do with us before we were blacklisted."