Disclaimer: Shoot. I don't own two things this time around. Curses.
Spoilers: I can't imagine anything but milk and vegetables. Well, Judgment Day if you really must know. Sort of. It's kind of irrelevant. What would I do with a brain if I had one?
Summary: Right, crack, which seems as good a reason as any for Abby to be transported to Oz – the Wonderland-type Oz, not the HBO prison with the suspiciously high proportion of sexy naked men. I've been toying with a WoO parody before but wasn't sure how to make it work, until I…decided to try it this way. So cliché, I know, but at least it's not a yuletide Christmas Carol or Wonderful Life adaptation. Did I mention crack? Cue twister!
Abby opened her eyes after a refreshing nap and looked around at the place to which she couldn't remember traveling. Everything was so vivid and colorful – not that her lab didn't have lovely aesthetics of its own, but this was like what would happen if her lab mated with the squad room and gave birth to a building constructed entirely of randomly assembled paint sample cards. Unless Tony and possibly Ziva had come in and pulled off the mother of all pranks while she'd slept, something was seriously wrong. She tried to pull a tissue from the box on the table, but found it was empty.
Still confused, she walked into her office to retrieve a Kleenex from her desk. As she blew her nose, she noticed a mercifully un-violated Bert sitting in her chair. After discarding her wet tissue, she swept him into her arms. "Didn't happen to see the culprits, did you? I don't think Major Mass Spec looks good in purple. Someone is in big trouble if he needs to be replaced." She squeezed him tightly as she meandered back into the lab.
Bert gave a flatulent reply.
"Right. This is just a crazy prank. We should probably go upstairs and congratulate…" She trailed off as something made a noise behind her. "Did you hear that?"
"It is just the Munchkins."
Abby turned to face Ziva and was surprised to see her in a sparkly, billowing gown. "Wow. Are you going to the prom after work?"
"I am here to tell you to follow the yellow linoleum tile road. Then you will find the Wizard and he will be able to return you to your proper lab."
Abby considered her seriously for a moment before bursting into laughter. "Oh, I get it. Very funny, guys! Are Tony and McGee hiding in the hallway?" Ziva looked at her questioningly, gracefully waving a pink knife around. "You want me to think I'm in Oz and that Bert and I landed a house on…" She turned in the direction Ziva was pointing. "Oh my God. I killed…" She found it difficult to identify the victim wedged under her desk with only the lower legs to recognize. "Who did I kill?"
"The Wicked Witch of the East, of course. You are already wearing her Ferragamo pumps."
Abby looked down at her feet and was shocked to see that her platform boots had been replaced by high-end high heels. "These look kinda familiar. Hold on…oh my God, oh my God! Why am I wearing Director Shepard's shoes? How is this even…we couldn't possibly have the same size feet and she's…she's…" Abby fought off tears she thought had all been shed. "She's dead."
"Yes," Ziva confirmed, "and the Wicked Witch of the West is seeking revenge, so you should begin your journey along the tile road. Just follow the yellow tiles and they will lead you to the Wizard."
Abby squeezed Bert, obtaining his usual comment on any situation. "I think I'd like to wake up now."
"Excuse me?" Ziva switched her pink knife to her left hand and made a move toward the equally pink SIG-Sauer at her hip.
"I really don't want to see a green Director Vance, so thanks for the advice, Heavily-Armed Witch of the North, but if it's all the same to you, I think this ride ends now."
"Oh, no. You began it. You have to see it through to the end. Follow the yellow linoleum tile road."
"But I…" Abby discovered that even in a frilly dress and armed with pink weapons, Ziva was still scarier than any green director that might be in the building. "Right, yellow tiles to the Wizard, then?"
Ziva didn't even bother to run for help, removing her cell phone from her pocket and pressing her first speed dial number. Tony answered a moment later. "Abby got the prints back already?"
"No, but I think you should come down here right away. She is behaving bizarrely."
"She's Abby. When you were away did you forget the whole tattoo, Goth, whips and chains…"
"Bizarre even for her," Ziva cut him off, brushing Abby's fingers away from where they were delicately stroking her cargo pants. "So I imagine that whatever it is, it is serious."
"Hmm." Tony clearly didn't appreciate the gravity of the situation. "Maybe this is something Gibbs should handle."
"You know that Gibbs took McGee to question the dead man's commanding officer. Will you just come down here and watch her while I…I should have just called Ducky, but I did not think he would be finished with the autopsy yet, so you are…" She suddenly turned and found that Abby had disappeared, the only sound in the lab the relatively low drone of music. "She's gone!"
"Probably a bathroom break."
"Tony…"
"She's a big girl, Ziva. She can take care of herself."
"Just get down here and help me look for her. There is something not quite right about her."
"It took you this long to…"
"Tony! It was as if she was hearing something other than what I was saying and she thought…just come down here!"
"Fine! I'm on my way!" he finally conceded. Ziva snapped her phone shut without replying and walked into the hall, trying to imagine what Abby could have been identifying as a yellow tile road.
Abby nervously made her way along the road through a field of orange flowers before coming to an intersection. Tony and Ziva had certainly worked hard to put this whole thing together, even if it was a little freaky. "Okay, Bert, which way? No, I know what Wedding Cake Ziva said, but…what? She looked like she was dressed as a wedding cake! I'm sorry I missed whatever Tony had to say about that, but…Tony!" She wrapped her arms around him as he appeared from around a corner. "You're all scratchy and straw covered and oh!"
"Where are you headed, Abs?"
"I'm following the yellow tile road like Frou-frou Ziva told me to. I have to find the Wizard. If you come with me, I bet he'll give you a brain."
"That's…good?"
"Yes, Tony. Brain, good." She seized his hand and led him in the direction that felt right. The shiny metal doors of the elevator opened the moment they arrived in front of them, revealing an equally metallic McGee. "Timmy! You must need a heart!"
"Um…" McGee looked to Tony for an explanation, but Tony could only shrug helplessly.
"At first I thought you guys had put together some crazy scheme for my birthday, but then I remembered my birthday was three months ago and it's probably just a head injury, but I'm not going to worry about that now because this is kind of fun!" She gave Bert a squeeze and exclaimed, "Does this mean Cowardly Gibbs is next?"
"Don't we have to get to the forest before we find him?"
"Absolutely, ScareTony. You, me and the TimMan are so skipping there."